Of shifting faces, once I was in awe...
with a strong arm to the back
coiled tightly about the thick scratchy ropes
ropes that-
with a fervor perhaps surpassing even mine-
clenched me back.

To the twisted spine of reason
Did I find myself bound.
Skeleton arched though it was flung;
Lifeless as if just a silhouette
Housed within stretched flesh canvas
Brush strokes serpentine
To soak up the color of midnight
And drip it from my teeth.

I almost had forever...
as the Lord of Night held the world in the blackness that was his palm.
We were standing at the helm,
and at his marvel, staring down.
It was now swirling slightly, turning murky
as if picking up the sediment of souls resting at the bottom
I saw the outside to the universe
of which I was standing on the inside.
We were being pulled into the very thing that was pulling us apart.


And in a time when my darkest nightmares
were seeping into my waking life so steadily
I had to rid its crusted muck from my eyes at every blink-
I remembered what love was.
Flashes of family...
I had become so reliant on my sound rhyme,
I noticed not the gradual loosening of the rough ropes that kept me grounded.
I had become untethered from reality,
as my entangled comfort and I were soon afloat and alone.

Rid of his shoes, man must relearn how to walk.

This was my first inkling that I had gone far enough.
I will never forget that overwhelming agony.
As 'far enough' was lives beyond 'too far.'
I could only make my way back amidst the wake of my neglect;
In what I had skipped over, now lay a soft void to navigate
Free to forget the endgame I had chosen, seen, and now deny.
Granted purgatory is this time, as I still pick up the pieces
of my shedding soul. 
Cracked like sheets of clay in a kiln.
It flakes off and falls to a world I had left for dead.
The voices now are softer
more sincere..

I would damn a habit to to Hell if I wasn't so sure it would be  there waiting for me.

No longer do I, in timidity,
wind back down the paths I took last night
to arrive when and from where I awake each morning.
It is  the echos of habitual recital
that hardwired  my subversion of using today as a means to tomorrow.
What was once the spine of my entire being,
is now my phantom limb.


I've spent far too much time looking for tomorrow in my yesterday.
I'm ready to stand up against today.

so i sit
amidst this hollow in the pit of my stomach
I'd follow the tricks of an illusionist lunatic
it it would get me out of this sick
gluttonous sustenance as blood sticks
quickening in its thickening
serpentine smiles of the child I've been for a while
slithering across the misery my history compiled.
there is wisdom lost in addiction's glossy facade.
til the sod and plant seeds of god again and again
til the sprouts pop out and belief replaces doubt
across the top-
sin dances wearing the masks of men
we all fall victim to the pigment of skin
turned lonely lovers chasing a Cheshire grin
Serotonin and dopamine,
didn't believe it could happen to me.
I save my tears for utter despair
not the thoughts of you as I wonder where
you could be now, and mostly how it is you are.
How bizarre a star that used to be my sun
now farther than any man can run
can still plague my heart.
dumb foolish and stupid
by some cruelness of cupid
became we both
pricked by his bow.
And on nights like this,
exactly like this,
I hear the grinding of times gears as they slow.
I satiate the urge to binge and purge
on emotions absurd.
The world drops again.
Swirling in a surly array of happier days
set ablaze by the chains of time.
At the reigns
no longer am I.
And oh how I miss your kiss, love.
not just your lips, or the touch of your hips,
but when I knew you truly meant it.
I still can't escape the resound of your face
nor the shape of the space we once called home.
I hate the way I scathed you when I knew it was through.
I hate how I treated you and how you treated me too.
I wasn't much, and I'm sorry.
I will always love who you were once and could have been.
I couldn't be the strength you needed
so before I was gone, you moved on.
I hope you two are happy.
I'm not mad, not sad so much...
Just hurt.
Still.

DOG SHIT.  Period.   It doesn't smell like people shit... more specifically, like one of my previous shits.  So tell me, why is it that after walking around my apartment complex and coming back inside soon to realize that I had stepped in some sort of... shit, I smell people shit?  People.  From a person.  Shit isn't like gum.. I'm not afraid if I get a little gum on the edge of my finger trying to pry gum from my shoe.  I can always say in that situation, "Hey, at least its not shit," with a commanding resound of truth.  
Dog shit, I realized today, is not as catastrophic as I had always thought once I discovered that I had stepped in dog shit.  "Oh damn,  what is that?  Dog shit?"  I naturally continue with the negative thoughts towards the dogs owner, and not the dog.  For a dog is excusable.  Dog can't poop in the house, or use a toilet, or a litter box,(Cat1, dog0) in fact, dogs are trained to go outside.  So the blame is easily shifted to a dodgy individual who may or may not have a broken back that prohibits the picking up of aforementioned shit.
You realize a lot of things when you smell remnants of  your own fecal waste from yesteryear throbbing outward from the bottom of your shoe.  The fact that I am mentally incapable of dismissing it as funky dog shit weighs heavy on me.  We live in a sad and twisted society to where I am forced to contemplate whether or not I do actually have people shit on my shoe and probably on the edge of my finger a little bit.
People shit, people.  How do I write that one off?
"Well, Tyler's brother was the one who let him out to poop and I figured he knew enough to follow him around with a baggie.  I'm sorry about your fecal fiasco."-  No.
I guess that if it is people poo, that possibly it slipped out of a diaper on its way to the trash... shit.  No, because baby shit smells like baby shit.
I guess I'll have to just chalk it up to an unknown species' feces.
It really bothers me though.  I probably could have just brushed it off, had it only happened once.  
Yeah I stepped in number 2...two times.  different shoes. of course.
gghahghghhghhghg!  I just got a shiver.
Well, I guess that next time I step in something terrible (albeit a fetus or a maggot-logged dead lamb would be worse)  I can now say, "Hey, at least its not shit.  People shit, that is)

I choke on memories of those thoughts
I had hoped  we would never see actuate
The dope holds back the taste
Yet keeps me in this place
The tangents I ran with
Ive managed to expand them
Out to their bitter ends.
This winter ends with a loss of friends
The scent of a woman has long been gone
From my olfactory neurons.
Infact she’s trapped in a casket
And the sermons over,
My nervous habbits had scattered,
Left stones battered and turned over
On a rabid scavenger hunt  for sober
But now to me, they’re avidly reattaching like the germs and vermin
Teeming with worms, theres dirt in a pile
Seems ive just mastered this smile.
Its silent a while til:
there comes a sound
-as shattered tiles
from the hole in the ground
As  the brown  shoveled mounds
splatter wildly in and tumble down
around the sides of sarcophagus’ lid
in their pattern resides
a mildly troubled vision of apocalypse’s description.
With wisdom comes age, not always the other way around...

............................

In ....Iowa...., the
nights were mine.

There were no ..four a.m...
meetings with friends.

No mid night traffic jams.

Washed over stars of the city lights stuck in smog.

No steady stream of aircraft strung along clear tethers to
the city.

Usually there was barely a soul stirring.

Occasionally my ears would attune to  a semi

Her tires waging war on the stillness as they tread

over the rumble strips signaling the four way stop

a mile or so away at what used to be the end of town

Not to be outdone, the engine hisses when asked to stop.

With each shift down, the tumultuous strain magnifies
slightly

Then quickly eases to a more bearable soundscape before
shifting again..

A bullet traveling through a wall in slowed motion

Bears the imagery to this truck’s disturbance of a moist ....Iowa....
night.

A endless volley of noise ripples along the concrete river

Emitted from the barge like conglomerate that navigates  it.

It washes out over the banks, softened with crushed
limestone.

Through the ditches, some getting lost in the thicket of
weeds

Taller than a man they grow.

Barreling over fields farmed 
before their birth right-purchase in dollars

Until the inevitable death of being sold as residential real
estate.

Clambers in and out of houses, sleeping cars.

It charges invisible under street lights.

They don’t so much as flicker.

This all happens in a matter of seconds,

Much shorter than was the description.

Then a return to the normalcy.

My brain has wrapped a sweet blanket around everything

“The world,” it says, “I am preparing our transition back.”

Back to the lonely sneakers and putty of my shadows.

My mom (what a mom)  sent me an email of this guy giving a speech to kids about falling down and trying til you get up.  It was pretty awesome, cheesy music, but awesome.  Made me cry a little bit.  Another one of his videos had him talking about how, even with no legs or arms, any one of us may have had a worse life than he has.  For we shouldn't compare suffering.  

How true.  If all of our problems were on the outside or as easily recognizable as his or things like obesity, we would all have no trouble at all pinpointing our own and others challenges.  Most of they time they are hidden to other people, and even more tactfully to ourselves.  The unfortunate thing  is that society has also made it acceptable, seemingly encouraged even, to continue and even strive in a world of defeatism as success is marketed as material possession.  These same material possessions: vehicle, internet, cable television, cell phone, all house distractions at various levels - financial strain and longevity, content, content upgrades, product placements, maintenance  etc.  that narrow our minds focus in on them alone.  More and more products are being made available to people who previously would not have been able to purchase them with things like -pay as you go, credit cards, payday loans, title loans (trading astronomical fees for immediate satisfaction).  

Even the things we need for survival (food, clothing, shelter) have been capitalized.  So many people are struggling or have been so long just to pay the cost of these three alone that it becomes impossible/impractical  to challenge themselves due to the constant defeat they feel in daily life as a result.  So we find ourselves settling.  And the truth is, that you don't HAVE TO do anything.  We can all work and come home, pay the bills, eat food, be entertained for hours, sleep and start over.  You can get pretty far in THIS life without having to help anyone, talk to anyone, be caring and by being selfish.  Drive through windows, ATMs, internet, video game consoles, personal computers, DVD Vending machines, automated customer service, self checkout at stores, portable DVD players, IPODs, pay at the pump, online shopping, grocery delivery, automatic bill pay, direct deposit, bottled water, indoor heating/cooling, indoor plumbing, microwaves, refrigerators.   
All of these things are someone's idea, designed to minimize the steps necessary to get what what we want when we want it.

My point is this.  Challenges aren't always as clearly marked as being born without limbs.  Identifying the problem is the first step in working towards a solution.  For so many of us, Myself included wholly, we just feel a sense that something is amiss and have no real description of what it is, thus, no plan of attack.  So please, try to sift through all of your life, take inventory, turn off the TV, internet, music, movies and figure out what you NEED to do as it coincides with what you like to do.  Find out what is working in your life, and more importantly, what isnt working.  That is where I am, and will be for a while... sorting out what I need from the lively hood that I am accustomed to.
It will hurt more than anything and scare the shit out of you, but all you have to do is ask for help and it will come.

If you aren't living the life you want to be living in 10 years, 5 years, next year, month or week,  you have to start working towards it today.  Tomorrow never comes.  I have been putting things off until tomorrow since I was 15... and I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at 25.  However,  I am 75% closer to where I wanted to be NOW after first taking inventory in early 2007.  It has been a terrible year from the outside looking in, but looking out, I know that falling down is the only way to get back up.

..
Nick Vujicic, No Arms, No Legs, No Worries! Part 1 Of 3 - Watch more amazing videos here

Hosted By: Zach oldham- Joshua Boyd
When: Wednesday Dec 31, 2008
at 9:00 PM
Where Joshua Boyds apt
536 29th St APT 14
DES MOINES, IA 50310
United States
Description:
Zach oldham- Joshua Boyd

Click Here To View Event

Word up kids and kittens.

I will (crazy ass portland blizzard permitting) be home tomorrow through the 7th of January.  I have obligations until the 29th, and on Jan 1 &2 with the families.  I'm thinking that like on the 2nd, 3rd 4th and 5th,  I will have mostly free and we should hang out.  Yes, all of you, and I.  The  best things in life arent expected, so I haven't made concrete plans.   I'm thinking we should all get together in random places for these days.  What a chance to see old friends, and meet new friends.

Call me if you think of anything fun, or to tell me that you don't want to hang out, and then tell me your new address and how flammable your home is.   my number is still 515.554... mail me or ask someone who knows that isn't a creepy internet stalker.  I'm leaving my records here, (FNG airport bag check in rates) but I'll be bringing my sweet ass and some new poems if anyone wants to get down on some of that shit..(josh, lauren)

By the way... im broker than a PS2 in a house full of 15 year olds.  Going back to school and not working does that.  If anyone knows of any work that needs done or anything, or wants to pay me to do their dishes or scoop their driveways.. let me know sucka!  HAHAAHA.. it sucks but I'm serious. I might even resort to the old wink wink if you slip something in my drink and give me the cash up front.  You know, i don't even need the cash up front, you could just slip something in my drink. 

Pass it on, tell your friends, don't tell your parents, and get ready.  

Download this shit to your fancy IPOD, suit up-adidas style, lace up the sneaks, and cover your cap with dopeness.

Thanks ET for supplying me with some slammin tech business!

http://ladycrysis. com/poxyn/Audio/PiCurious-%20New%20Years%20Demo%2009. mp3

-its a tad rough for a second or so on a few mixes.. but these are all new tracks.  It is definitely my best recorded mix thus far, and a peek into what style I will be leaning towards.    POUND!