Melting with the mundane….

It wasn't so long ago that I was a much more reliable, responsible individual. Before Palazio... Before Sugars... Even before Spares, L.L.C. became the horrible monstrosity that would be known as NxEdge - I was boringly pleasant. I didn't smoke, rarely drank and my apartment was a very, very clean place. I worked out regularly, ate three square meals a day, and my laundry all hung on matching hangers in my closet. (plastic hangers on the rightside, wooden hangers on the left...)

"What a nice young man!", they'd say, "So responsible! Hes really got things together!" But to me things were all so utterly depressing.

You see, things were so straight and proper because I had all the time in the world to worry about such non-sense. I didn't really do anything. Just cleaned and maintained, which is just about as fun as all that sounds.

Then along came Heineken/crazy drunk girls and the rest is cliched history...

(Think about all the best stories you've ever lived through and I'm fairly certain some of the best ones either involved the opposite sex or a drink… Or three. Booze is so awesome. It's a fact!)

And for awhile that's all you needed for something memorable – A celphone and an open tab. Text some girls and cash your checks, things are about to get blurry.

But drinking ain't what it used to be. Maybe I'm getting older. Maybe I just don't bouce back from hangovers quite like I used to. Drinking, as of late has turned into a chore. Like mowing the lawn or something… And it seems like I'm not the only one whose noticed that either. Look around and people aren't smiling as much or as wide as they used to.

Plus, have you ever noticed those same people that are a blast to drink with are fuckin' horrible when your sober! Not all of them mind you, just the people you ONLY see when you drink. [Though, in their defense, when you do see them sober they're generally still drunk! LOL – Ed.]

Things at the moment feel as if the parties been winding down for quite sometime, but your still that last drunk running around a nearly empty house enthusiaically challeneging hung over party goers to yet another round of Beer Pong.

And here I am.

You know that scene in Old School where Will Ferral is telling these drunks at Mitchapalooza about how he's got a big day tomorrow shopping at Home Depot? That's how I feel. In between. Too cool for Home Depot, too jaded for the Beer Bong. Secretly hoping something betters gonna coming along anyday now.

Once it hits your lips...

I told my friend of my little predicament and she suggested getting out more often.

"Whaddya mean?", I asked.

"Take walks."

"Walks? Walk where?"

"You know. Around. Sometimes it's nice to get out and look at things. Think about life."

This was by far the worse advice I could possibly imagine giving me. I couldn't think of anything more dull and idiotic. The way I see, there be plenty of time to "walk" when I've gone all senile with one foot in the grave… The answer to this Fever couldn't possiblily be about settling and accepting that old dull life, could it? I mean seriously... that can't be LIFE, can it?

"Walks...", I said, "...and thinking. Sounds good."

She smiles. I node my head as if I'm seriously mulling over her advice. All I could think about was how boring her life is and how I'd go completely mental if I tried to emulate five minutes of her mundane existance... That and how I could really use a beer and a drunk girl right about now.

Did you SEE the newest episode of South Park? If you haven't follow this link, here.

You know… I remember being at home cleaning the apartment one lazy Sunday night years back and listening to the Drudge Report on the radio. (Matt Drudge, its host, also runs a little website of the same name… Perhaps you've heard of it? ) In that particular broadcast, Drudge talked about a new movie coming out that fall called Team America: World Police which was being produced by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the same guys who created South Park. From the early previews and South Parks infamous reputation, he was worried that this film might be a movie that bashed America's war on terrorism.

About fifteen minutes later, Matt Stone unexpectedly CALLS the radio show…

"Yeah…", Stone said [Paraphrasing, of course - Ed.], "…I just got a call from one of my friends saying uh, Drudge is talking about Team America. So I thought I should call in and straighten some things out."

My first impression, after the interview was over, was how it was SO cool that Matt Stone called the radio show himself. It wasn't a Comedy Central P.R. Rep or some executive from Paramount, it was one of the co-creators taking the time to call and let people know what the movie was REALLY about. And he wasn't a dick about it either. In fact, he mentioned that both him and Parker visit Drudge's website often. It was all quite friendly and they were both laughing at the end of it.

"There are three kinds of people..."

To me this kinda proved why South Park is so awesome. The creators aren't ever TRYIN' to be offensive, but they don't hesitate to add something offensive if it helps to reinforce what their trying to say. (In the end, that's what's going to make South Park relevant twenty years from now and render other shows whose main purpose is cheap yucks and simply pushing the limits of what they can put on television. *ahem* Family Guy... One makes you laugh, the other makes you laugh AND think.)

Anyways… Not trying to get too far off the point here… [Too late – Ed.]

When the film finally came out it was, as usual from those two, great. Yes, it DID poke fun at America a little bit at the beginning, but the REAL meat of the movie doesn't slam America - it slams Hollywood and social extremists. In the end, the real "World Police" isn't America, it's the "Hollywood Left".* While Team America is trying to keep the world safe from terrorism (Which arguably isn't a very good job. They DO end up blowing up half of Paris while trying to protect it… LOL), Extremists are trying to form the world and shape it to fit their own political ideology. One is trying to protect people, the latter is trying to change them. It was genius. It have completely side stepped the audiences expectation of what the movie was going to be about and made them think about the same issue from a different angle.

It remains as one of my favorite movies of all time. [And possibly the deepest social commentary a film with gratuitous puppet sex can have, I suppose. – Ed.]

"About Last Night…" reminded me of Team America, because it's exactly what it's NOT supposed to be. I remember reading a couple of articles online where the interviewer asked when South Parks "vote" would debut on television. Trey Parker didn't rule out making a show about the election, but pointed out a previous season's episode called "Giant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich" as their general opinion of the elections. The way he phrased it, it gave the impression that South Park wasn't going to touch this issue.

But we knew better. Everyone knew it was coming. Everyone was waiting for McCain/Obama to show up in South Park and when it finally happened it wasn't the politicians South Park was gunning at. "About Last Night…" isn't about the electoral process or its presidential hopefuls like many people thought it inevitably would be. It's about the VOTERS. It's about everyone that splashed McCain/Obama stickers all over their cars and their MySpace and constantly reminded you to vote. [Unless of course you WEREN'T voting for THEIR candidate… - Ed.] You know who you are! Let's face it – you went completely insane for awhile there… And that's exactly what this episode is about: you… the voter! It was great. I even like the ending, where the next day McCain voters realize that maybe Obama might not be as bad as they thought he might be and Obama voters realize that, in actuality, nothing's REALLY changed at all. That BOTH sides became so obsessed with hating the opposing candidate that they drove themselves insane.

When it ended, I found myself smiling - Brilliant. Just fuckin' Brilliant.

As usual, the best social commentary ISN'T coming from cable news, local newspapers or even shows that TRY to have a deep political discussion. (I.E. – Bill Maher, Rush Limbaugh, Jon Stewart, etc.) It's coming from a small podunk town in Colorado from four little foul mouthed boys and I couldn't be more grateful.

God Bless South Park!

P.S. – Here's a nice little article from the L.A Times interviewing Trey Parker on "About last night"…

"Electioneering", Radiohead, OK Computer


I go forwards, you go backwards...

And somewhere we will meet...

    So I'm sittin' at Zen anxiously awaiting my Udon noodle bowl, trying to keep my mind off my growling stomach and my dizzy head, when perusing through the Austin Chronicle I read this:

    "After all, it's a fool who sees a correlation between happiness and intimate knowledge of the psychological motives behind Raskolnikov's axing the pawnbroker woman in Crime and Punishment, between happiness and knowing exactly how many hundreds of thousands of Rwandans were hacked to death in 1994, between happiness and the awareness of the perilously slim and shrinking lead Barack Obama has in the current presidential election."*

    That's right. Obama losing a few points in a recent Gallup pole is akin to the mass genocide of Rwandans on the happiness/knowledgably-depressed scale. Wow. No words can describe how really ridiculous that is statement is…

    What strikes me as even more dumbfounding is the fact that the article has ABSOLUTLY nothing… NOTHING(!) to do with the upcoming election. The author just decided to throw that lil' tid bit of information in there for… well, I suppose dramatic flair.

    And that's what it's all turned into… Drama.

    That's why I rarely get involved in anything political anymore, even if it's just polite conversation over a cup of coffee. American politics aren't about issues anymore, they're about cartoon-ish caricatures of candidates and their ties to overly simplified issues. It's melodramatic political analysts and stereotyped voters who parrot media talking points. It's empty, feel good catch phrases masking newspaper articles and television shows that contain no real substance. It's a new Glided Age. One brought to you through hi-speed fiber optics and HD quality resolutions.

"I like the puppet on the right", she said... "Well I like the puppet on the left", he said...

    And here we are… About a month away from election time and it's obviously just going to get progressively worse until after the elections are over and we can all take a little break from our high horses.

    Look…

    This post isn't trying to suede your vote. (Hell, I'm not even telling you TO vote!) I REALLY don't care who you vote for and, let's be honest, the majority of you already knew who you were going to vote for minutes after the primarys were over. It's just a little reminder that over dramatization does not help you make your point. It doesn't make you look particularly bright or give you a stronger more confident argument. In most cases, it just makes you look intellectually lazy. 

    Plus, and I say this in the most polite way I can, do you think people REALLY care about your politics? And if they do, don't you think they'd ask? I learned long ago people who generally bring up political issues out of nowhere aren't looking for a converstion about them, their looking for justification of their stance.  As if to say, "Hey! You believe exactly what I believe right? Let's hug!" But if you don't have the same beliefs, it turns into, "What do you mean you don't believe that?! I hate you.... BURN, BURN, BURN!"

    Anyway… I've made this little rant much too long. Just saying, words have meaning... Let's go ahead and treat them as such. And if we can we cool it on the [insert name/poltical party here] is an "idiot-war-mongering-Anti-Christ-that-will-destroy-America-and-eat-your-childern" rhetoric just a little bit, that would be cool too...

    Less drama would be a nice change of pace.

 

P.S. – I made it all the way through ACL 2008 without getting pee'd on by some strange drunk girl!

P.S.S. – I DID get pee'd on by some drunk dude at the Red River parking garage this weekend though…  *sigh* Almost went a whole year too.

P.S.S.S. – Joey got pissed on too. (Sorry bro… Had to throw you under the bus with me!)

*Link to the article can be found here.

Beware! Awkard situation ahead!

I have two sets of friends: My "Bar Buddies" and the "Normies".

My "Bar Buddies" are the friends I've met working/hanging out at various clubs around town and generally go out drinking with from time to time. Consequently, these are also the nights where I generally find most of my most embarrassing stories come from. Nights that are either:

a.) things I completely regret the next day... Or

b.) things I do not remember doing, but will none the less live infamous lives in the minds of my friends who weren't drunk enough to forget them. Friends that love to remind me about all the idiotic things I did last night the the following day… [ed.- I suppose that what friends are for... ]

Then their are the "Normies". The other half of my friends that lead terribly responsible lives devoid of such drunken debauchery and work a much more respectable 9 to 5 job where tipping isn't necessary. They have mortgage payments, kids, 401k's, drive sensible four door cars that get great gas mileage and enjoy a nice pair of slacks.

I straddle the fence a bit. I'm rockus enough to have some pretty good drunk stories to tell, but I still have enough "white collar" in me not to be ashamed that I shop at the GAP. For the most part, I believe I do well fitting in with both sides of the coin, but I have to admit once in a while my seams tend to show with the "Normie" crowd. Especially when it comes to kids or, to be more specific, actually having/raising* one.

For example:

The other day, I was at Mozart's Coffee shop with a bunch of old high school friends ("Normies") I haven't talk to in person for quite sometime. Out of the all the people scrunched together at the table, half of them had kids. It was all quite polite conversation, talking about nothing inparticular, when we began talking about MySpace.

"You know who threw me a friend request on MySpace the other day?" I said.

"Who?" she asked.

"Shawn!"

"Really?"

"Yeah. Fuckin' Shawn!", I said sipping my coffee, "He's got a kid now too."

"Really?!"

"Yeah. Saw a pic on his profile. Little guys THE most adorable kid ever!"

"Not cuter than mine…", she said.

"No.", I said not really taking note of what she just said, "You SHOULD see him. This IS the cutest kid ever!", I said chuckling to myself.

The air turns thick and the entire table goes incredibly quiet. I glance up, realizing I just said something that had completely just pissed off all the parents at the table. I could hear nails digging into the wooden table we were sitting at like fingers across a chalk board. The quiet grumble of Panthers ready to strike as they encircle me waiting for the right moment to lunge out rip my jugular out.

*gulp*

Suddenly I realized how they took what I had said completely out of context. They took it as his kids cute and adorable and we should all bow before the heavenly light that shines upon him - sing his praises from now until eternity. THEIR KIDS were all hideously deformed monsters that should be kept chained in some dark closest, tucked away far, far away from public eyes in shame and fed scraps of food this cute kid won't eat.

Some REAL ugly babies...

Of course that's not what I said, (I didn't even infer it!) but that's how they took it. Sacifice to say it was an awkward situation at the very least and there I was smack in the middle of it, foot squarely inserted in mouth.

I didn't know what to say to gently back out of this bear trap I just unknowningly stepped in. Frantically, my eyes dart over to one of my "childless" buddys sitting at the end of the table. Eyes wide with fear at the thought of the mass amounts of pain these angry-baby-tottin'-moms were about to inflict upon me. Of course, he was no help. He just looked back at me with a smug little grin on his face and slightly shrugged his shoulders.

(You know the kind of look that your best friend gives you when step in dog shit and look to him for some kind of sympathy only to find their face turning bright red as they hold back manic laughter at your misfortune.)

"Well, I think he's adorable…", I said averting my eyes, meekly taking another sip of my drink.

The subject quickly changed and the air around the table soon goes light again. I breathe a sigh of relief - I made it out of my little snafu with all ten fingers intact. And while continuing the conversation I make a mental note to myself that I will NOT participate in any conversations about kids, children, family, Pokemon, ponies or anything remotely relation to the subject kids. If the subject does arise, I will sit in silence, sipping my coffee, and patiently wait for the subject to change into something less... dangerous.

Ten minutes later, someone's dog strolls over to our table looking for nice [ed.- Read gullible!] people he can use to pet him. He was a furry, outgoing little lapdog with curly hair that seemed to naturally smile as he walked around our legs underneath the table, gleefully wagging his tail behind him. The kind of ultra cute dog that would melt the steeliest of hearts.

"Wow…", I said petting the pooch on the head with a smile, "That's got to be THE coolest dog ever!"

The air suddenly turns all thick again and I swallow hard with a loud *gulp* when the realization hits me - I don't have a single clue how many people at this table have dogs.

Blur, "Parklife", Parklife

All the people... So many people...

And they all go hand in hand...

Hand in hand through their Parklife...

*Yes, I realize the proper term is "rearing" a child... That people only "rasie" livestock, but it just sounds stupid the other way around...

1.) If you are of drinking age and use the term "shawty", you are a douchebag… Or worse yet, a wannbe-douchebag… You are a grown man, lets go ahead and start acting like one.

Do you talk like this man?

2.) To all my friends and loved ones - Stop spamming me with frivolous text messages! Consumers spend millions of dollars a year to filter spam from their inboxes, but you seem to find a need to send me another bad joke of the day. Pause before sending me that funny joke… Chances are I already got it from two other people who forwarded it from the same person you got it from.

3.) How about actually participating in the conversation you're involved in instead of waiting for your turn to talk? It's not that hard…

More listening... Less talking...

4.) If you want another drink from the bar a sure fire way NOT to get one is whistling at your bartender - their people, not dogs. And don't expect screaming at the barback after your little snafu will get you anywhere either.

5.) If you believe "Corporate America is Evil", an ideology I do not subscribe to, than stay true to what you believe… You can't pick and choose. If you believe Microsoft is underhanded for making proprietary software to maintain market share then you should also be knocking Apple for doing the same thing with its Iphone/Itunes applications to GAIN market share. If you're going to fall for the clichéd stereotype, at least be consistent about it. 

Microsoft or Micro$oft?

6.) You are not cool because you listen to bands and albums no one's ever heard of. Mainstream music, by virtue of it being popular, does not make it any less artistic. Believing that makes you look adolescent and snobby.

7.) This one is specifically targeted toward waitresses – You are NOT entitled to a tip. Just because you woke up and got all pretty doesn't mean your getting a fat tip. It's about service, not a pretty face. (Ironically, the hottest waitresses I know actually offer the some of the best service… This way of thinking generally comes for the girl that are kinda "so-so"…) So don't complain or say that it's fucked up you didn't get your 15% when you weren't doing your job in the first place…

8.) What IS fucked up is when I tip you 50% of the bill and getting COMPLETELY ignored afterward… Now that's customer service!

I gotta remember to do this next time...

9.) Money and all the shiny things you can buy with it, does not wash away your sins. HOW you get your cash probably says more about you, your character and personality than anything else. Maybe it's time you look in a mirror… I'm sure you have one laying about...

Sometimes the clothes do not make the man.

10.) I am NOT close minded because I won't eat certain foods (i.e. testicles, brain, etc.) Newborn babies might taste like fillet migeon, but I'll never know. So go ahead and enjoy your bowl full of fish eye balls, I'll be over here eating a burger...