okay, remember that time you told me "from now on, nothing will be comfortable again" at least not like it was before, or something along those lines? don't worry, you did.
and it stuck with me, and it is both some sort of doom and also some sort of permission, in the way these things go, those rough feelings where it's nice to realize that at least it's something everyone goes through.
things are restless, still, and I don't know what I want, ever, anymore. And there are lots of things that seem to get in the way but can't be hurtled over.

I want reassurance and bigger lungs and to figure out a way to feel better.


on the bright side, i listened to this audio book in a mere six and a half hours and now all internal monologue is read by mr. bryson himself, which does bring some comfort.

namely, hibernation.
why hasn't this become a mass trend amongst us human-types who are directly effected by winter weather? eat loads, sleep as much as possible, don't worry, live in a small warm space (and, if you have your little bear cubs with you, extra warmth and fuzziness). F'REALZ, HOW COME WE DON'T DO THIS? or, why wouldn't it be socially acceptable?
because you don't wake up often enough to go outside and get your bills from your mailbox, let alone go to work in order to pay them.
financial security as known by social norms is what keeps us from getting more rest and just not stressing out as much, which, really, i think we could all benefit from.

so, in conclusion: pro-grizzly, anti-money. (i want that on my tombstone)

also, i reckon bears are good at procrastinating, which is what i'm doing at the moment.

if you were to ask me (not that you would) (a list):

harry callahan's still-life photographs are perfect
your friend wears bad cologne
things could have ended better
i wish school would start again
it is obvious that you are a new waiter at Kin Lin
i am afraid of failing and that is an obstacle
i wish i was going into biology or ornithology (but only sometimes)
sometimes i forget that i was never friends with andy warhol, let alone that he died the year i was born
money is for fooolz
things could be easier
i understand that i am boring, but you can't assume that you aren't boring ever
things are easier to understand and piece together if you take the time to learn the whole history of everything but GAWD that takes so long
i get uncomfortable a lot more easily than i would like to by this age

the past couple weeks i have been agreeing with dumb ideas just because my brain is too lazy to work out reasons why i disagree and my mouth doesn't want to explain why i disagree when it's really as simple as "i disagree because i'm right and you're wrong and that's the way it will always be" and there are so many things wrong with all of this.
living away from home, with so many people out of town and with mainly myself to know, it gives this time an unreal feeling, as if there are no real consequences, provided i don't do anything incredibly drastic. the only thing i really have to worry about is not spending money (or finding a perfect job), and keeping my head above water in my summer classes, which isn't too difficult (if anything, i enjoy it and fall in love with anything i study here, for the most part, which has been a great blessing).

i use too many words, and whenever someone asks me something it's as if i have forgotten how to talk to people. this is where hermiting has gotten me. does it really have to be one way or the other?

most of the time, when i see the history channel will be showing something on Dogfights, i forget about planes and think(hope) it's about actual dogs, fighting.
planes are just silly.

in january i painted my room yellow, because i thought i'd be living there for most of the summer after the school year ends. as it turns out, i'll be toughing it out on my own in an amazing apartment i'll be sharing with M-ewert. currently, my bedroom is an odd, bold, blue violet. it may end up yellow, just for familiarity? my address is going to change again, and i'll finally live on a street that is both not a number and is named after a tree. (it's the american dream.)

in other news, it has recently come to my attention (and not for the first time) that all of my friends who meet my parents fall sort of in love with them and this is perhaps one of my greatest blessings.
it certainly gives me more to be thankful for.

i had an anxiety attack the other night, and i thought my sternum was going to burst forth and split, speeding in eastern and western directions like scared horses.

even though i don't love machinery nearly as much as charles sheeler did, he makes it ok for me to paint from photos. i love art history, o geez.

car accidents (specifically, when you know they're you're own fault) are most likely on the top ten list of lamest things ever. also on the list: small-pox blankets.

and: today at work i was so bored i almost wrote down the lines to the Fresh Prince theme song, again. but it was my last day, so it evened out.

and: college? come baaaack!

 

ps. in west philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground is how i spent most of my days. chillin' out, maxin' and relaxin' all cool, i was shootin' some b-ball outside of school, when a couple of guys - they was up to no good! - started makin' trouble in my neighborhood. i got in one little fight and my mom got scared. she said, "you're movin' in with your auntie and your uncle in bel air." i whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "FRESH" and had a dice in the mirror. if anything, i could say that this cab was rare, but i thought, "man, forget it. yo-ho, to bel air!" i pulled up to a house about seven or eight and i yelled to the cabber "yo-ho, smell ya later!" looked at my kingdom, i was finally there, to reign on my throne, as the prince of bel air.

today on NPR, they said that before leaving, Rumsfeld sent out a memo saying we shouldn't count on a successful war.

Imagine that.

I just looked up the postage price to send a letter to Norway (the current location of our dear hannah adamson), and it told me $4.10. there's no way it costs that much, unless i send it from kansas city, it goes all the way around the world and back to me to send it again from kansas city and then lands in norway. and that's just way too complicated.

on the other hand, growing hair is free, but it takes a longer time than for correspondence to travel across an ocean.

naps are free, also, but can cause more confusion regarding what time/day it is.

(the preceeding events are all TRUE STORIES.)

"I found a bale of marajuana on the beach this morning, and I don't know what to do with it.."
College is weird. And a good deal of fun.

Also: it's so easy to want to skip the "getting to know someone" part of being friends and just skip to a longer while in, a more comfortable area. Same thing with classes. The first few weeks are awkward and unsteady.

Also: i think my eyes have changed AGAIN from my prescription. i hate my eyeballs. i'm totally going to go blind someday soon. crap.

Also: alex and i went to Taj Mahal for a goodbye-lunch and it was way better being able to actually eat the food there this time, and also to not be on pain killers or having to worry about sockets. and alex is my besss friennnn, all the way over by the ocean.