So, had my iTunes on my computer on random. I'm a fan of Savage Garden. This song came on and I felt the need to post it. It's a great song. It's kind of been my mood lately about love and relationships.

love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain
in your brain
and feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in
your veins in your veins
love come quickly
because i feel my self esteem is caving in
it's on the brink
love come quickly
because i don't think i can keep this monster in
it's in my skin

love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
they're morphine
cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
rarely seen
love i beg you
lift me up into that privileged point of view
the world of two
love don't leave me
because i console myself that hallmark cards are true
i really do

i'm gunning down romance
it never did a thing for me
but heartache and misery
ain't nothing but a tragedy

love don't leave me

take these broken wings
i'm going to take these broken wings
and learn to fly
and learn to fly away
and learn to fly away

i'm gunning down romance

Earlier tonight, I decided that I would like to start a blog. This blog will consist of everything going on in my life, in five different aspects. Those five aspects are: Physical Health, Mental, Love, Money and Education. The main reason that I am startign this blog is that I am need of a lifestyle overhaul. Recently, I haven't been very happy with the way things have been going and I've decided it's time to change that. This blog is to keep a record of the progress and also a form of accountability. In a sense, I will feel accountable to all of you. It's sort of the motivation for this big change.

Forewarning, this is going to be a daily thing, the blogs might be long, don't feel like just because you are a friend that you have to read and comment or anything like that. Although, some input would be cool. :-) But, again, I'm not really asking you guys to do anything.

PHYSICAL HEALTH: Today, I went to the gym and worked out on the treadmill. I worked out for around 50 mins. I did run/walk intervals equaling 4 miles. I stretched and made sure that I was warmed up and cooled down enough. I feel pretty happy with the workout. I was pretty excited during and after. I feel good about this.

MONEY: As of now, the money situation is kind of serious. I am dealing with paying bills and fixing my issues. I don't want to go into this section too much, privacy reasons. But, let's just say I've dug myself a whole and I am working on crawling back out.

EDUCATION: The other day I registered for my first class out here in Hawaii. Intro to Psych. I'm really excited about getting started on that. It's taken long enough. I was just lazy and didn't do what I needed to early on enough.

MENTAL HEALTH: The main reason I've decided on this whole project is I haven't been happy at all lately with a lot of different things. Life has kind of just been dragging me along and I've been just having to crawl my way around. So, some things happened recently, hopefully for the better, and it's time for a change. I'm happy right now, that I went and worked out, and that I've decided to do this. It's the little things I guess, that I'm excited about a blog. LOL.

LOVE: Recently, some things changed on this front. Kirk and I are no longer together. It was a mutual thing. We both are trying to figure life out for ourselves and we didn't need the added stress. That's all I need to say and all that I should say on that topic, in respect to Kirk and our relationship.

One other thing that I thought would be kinda cool, and mainly for my benefit, is to add in a daily news headline, and maybe a song or video. All in good fun. :-)

I really hope that you guys enjoy or maybe get something from reading. Honestly, like I said, this isn't for anyone really except myself, and a way of accounting for myself.

I was listening to this song all the way through for the first time tonight and I just couldn't stop laughing. Just fun!



NEWS:

Stonewall: Forty years later.

Hey guys. I was sitting here, not doing anything productive online, so I figured I'd write a poem. I really like this one. It was fairly easy to write.

Umm, it might need some work though. So, any criticism is great.

This is about a funeral. Where, someone's lover has died. He is at the funeral, and so is his lover's family. The family never really accepted the relationship or felt anything for the lover's mate. So, as they turn to go, they are sneering and thinking so many things. I hope you can feel that from this poem. I like it.

THE FUNERAL

A glance into the dark
A parade of endless tears
The father tending flock
A spirit hovers near

A glance into the dark
A tear begins to fall
Black veils hide all the faces
Of ones he once held dear

A glance into the dark
How long will he stay
A lease forever more
The journey ending here.

A glance into the dark
A life soon forgotten
They turn and go
Toward him they sneer.

A glance into the dark
Of what's left to come
One lover in the ground.
One lover left to fear.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A new year, a new start. A fresh start. As I was coming home last night, after celebrating the ending of what was probably not my greatest year, by far, it was raining.

I felt that to be a wonderful start to the year. I told my friend Rachel that I loved this rain because it was so symbolic. The rain was washing away all of the negativity of the last year. So much ugliness was left in the wake of this past year. But the rain was cleaning the slate. And, I just felt a calm come over myself as I sat and thought about it.

This new year is going to be fabulous. I'm going to eat less, work out more (isn't everyone?), find myself again and continue to better myself. I am looking forward to this year with a new-found hope. And life lessons that I will never forget.

Over the past year, so much has gone on. So much has been said. I have been tossed around, ripped apart, and left on the ground to die. Figuratively, that is. But, as I've always believed, my heart, my soul is a phoenix. And, I'm beginning to rise from the ashes. I take what I've dealt with over this past year, I take it to heart, and I use it. I learn. I continue on. My heart is finally beginning to heal. My soul is beginning to recognize itself again.

I hope that this year brings about great things for everyone that I know.. and don't know for that matter. I hope that life shows you so many things. Life can truly be a wonderful experience. Haha, this probably sounds like a complete turn around from my blog history. But, I am changing. :-)

I'll say it again. Happy New Year. Take care.

Live well, love much, laugh often.

One of the cutest things in the world... to me at this point in my life...

Is sitting here on the floor of my living room, watching my dog sleep. Watching him twitch as he is dreaming.

Haha, I dunno if it is a good thing or not, but watching my dog twitch and just thinking about how cute he is and how lovable, really makes me look forward to the day when I have kids. Don't get me wrong. I know it's ten times more work.. and ten times more important. But, my dog is a very special thing in my life. He means a lot. Keeps me grounded. :-)

He's such a cutie!!! Laying here on the floor next to me.. dreaming... twitching...

Matt

Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Lights are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around [no one around]
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
[One lonely star you don't know who you are]

Chorus:

I've always been in love with you [always with you]
I guess you've always known it's true [you know it's true]
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye

Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you're breaking my heart [breaking my heart]
Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
[Just make 'em smile the whole world loves a clown]
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played [role that you played]
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star
[One lonely star and you don't know who you are]

(chorus, repeat)

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye

All the world is a stage [world is a stage]
And everyone has their part [has their part]
But how was I to know which way the story'd go
How was I to know you'd break
[You'd break, you'd break, you'd break]
You'd break my heart

I've always been in love with you
[I've always been in love with you]
Guess you've always known
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye

(chorus)

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
Say good-bye

http://davefaq.com/Opinions/Vote.html

Check out that site. I found it this morning, and found it to be a lot of what I'm thinking.

What does that make me?

So, I typed up this almost three page blog... and fuck it ALL if myspace doesn't fuck up. And my internet explorer closes. Fuck WINDOWS.

Anyway, in a nutshell because I'm upset now, I am tired of shielding my heart. Not feeling passion. Not feeling pain. Not feeling.

I've been hurt so much over the past few years by people. So, I've built up this wall around my heart. Or this steel, impenetrable box. I've been hurt by family, friends, work, "friends" from work, Kirk, Stephanie. But, I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired not feeling what I WANT and have KNOWN that I feel because of all that.

It's me. I'm passionate. I wear  my heart on my sleeve. I love with EVERY part of my being. EVERY fiber in this body. EVERY breath that I take.

And I'm tired of being scared. Of being afraid of feeling pain. I realized that tonight during a heated debate with a friend of mine. I just don't feel. I'm so scared of being let down, disappointed, hurt that I don't feel.

I want to be in love. I want to feel friendships. I want to let people in.

I forgive those people. I forgive Kirk (he knows it). I forgive Stephanie, god how it hurts to forgive. But, to move on, I do. You hurt me. And you may NEVER know or understand how, but it hurt me. I forgive you. Just know that. Because I'm tired of feeling this way. I want to feel again. I want to let people in. I forgive you Stephanie. And, I know you are moving on, I know you're getting married. So, I have to say this. And I hope that if you get on here you have grown and UNDERSTAND where I am coming from. I hope you see in your heart, not your mind, what I am trying to do.

I wanna feel again. I wanna open up again. I need to, for the sake of myself. For my soul. Cold is not a good color.