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[07 Jun 2009 | Sunday]
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Today's hypothesis is:
"It's harder to love as one grows older."
When you have more experiences, your point of view about love changes. It becomes harder to love somebody. In 'The Reader', young Michael Berg thinks what he's going through is love. I don't think we have the luxury to say it's not, as it's different for everyone. My friends say I never loved somebody or my being in love is always a mere counterfeit of the actual loving act. One of them even said I don't fall in love with people, but with their talent. I don't think so, whilst I think so. Love exists in various shapes, and every one of them is unique in itself. There's no real definition of love, but just clumsy descriptions of it, either verbal, literal, scientific...
Turkish language has the best lingual love option. There are two loves. The first one called "sevgi" can be called a motherly love, or love like in a marriage. It's tender, long-term, long-lasting, unconditional, tame; it grows in time, endure obstacles. Whereas there's "aşk" which is destructive, passionate, ambiguous in duration, drastic. It endures obstacles too but in an infatuated carelessness, a blind manner.
So when I said "I fell in love with you" you would never sufficiently understand how I really feel about you. On the other hand, for me, strong love exists with hate. (And when I love it's not love anymore, in other words, it's not a feeble attempt) Therefore, you wouldn't want me to love you anyway. So, I won't love. Because with you it will be all misery and complications, but never regret though. Regret is a sin. It's ugly and irrational. Digesting its bitterness is best before it consumes you.
Conclusion: Love isn't something to be exposed to frequently. Because it can't be observed or controlled. And it's one sided in all circumstances.
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[05 Jun 2009 | Friday]
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eyes like a kaleidoscope,juvenile eyebrows, mole on his right cheek, perfect beard line, pure attention eyes, deformed teeth, freckles, modesty, grace, contentment, confused heart, way of wearing his clothes, relaxedness, music skills, obscenity, hug, way of smelling me, good manners, slender body, charm
is all I can think about at my sparest moments. . . . No, I don't love him. That's one thing I won't grow to do.
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[10 May 2009 | Sunday]
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[30 Apr 2009 | Thursday]
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His voice is so beautiful it's such a waste making him talk with all the cacophony around, and not being able to distinguish its exact tone or the littlest accent plays.
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[27 Apr 2009 | Monday]
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It's been almost 14 years. But at last I started using my own f's.
Relevantly, I think the reason I can't write good music anymore is because I'm trying to be something else, I'm pushing myself to be not myself. It may also be because I can't get satisfied with what I'm making anymore. I need the best I can do.
"Art for art"
New stuff isn't coming out because of a similar idea I have in my mind recently.
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[22 Apr 2009 | Wednesday]
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I'm not sure even a bit. I'm about to jump from one rope to the one parallel to it. But one of my feet on my rope, I'm testing the other rope, stepping on it with half the power I have on my legs, withdrawing it. Does it want me on it? It's fifty centimeters away. Will it stay that way or move away?
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[22 Apr 2009 | Wednesday]
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We were talking about many things with Edo today. One of them engaged my attention the most.
In Japan knowing whether you're an S (Sadistic) or M (Masochistic) is like knowing your blood type (Blood type in Japan is another topic I'll discuss later). These terms are not used only for relationships (in terms of love) but also for many other aspects of life.
Being an extreme M, does one jeopardize his/her pride?
For instance, getting back to your lover whenever he wants you back, and leaving his whereabouts whenever he wants you out, like his little puppy. We can say this kind of a girl is very M but where's her pride?
Should M be experienced on a game level (for any kind of pleasure purposes) or be blended in real life experiences opposing one's character and self-esteem? In other words, should it be diffused/dissolved in S like an S&M fusion to avoid any pride confusions?
S balances M and M balances S, I guess. But it shouldn't be a fifty-fifty marriage.
I'm a proud M.
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[16 Apr 2009 | Thursday]
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I don't remember his eyebrows' color or what he was wearing. I can't remember his nose's shape, or his upper lip's. I can't figure out how tall he is. I can't reproduce his whole presence.
Again, all that is left is the sensation/consciousness that I've been around him. The air's scent, my drunkenness, his tobacco's exact flavor, his tone of voice, his easygoingness, hence the comfort..
More his, less my.
I'd like to forget about myself for awhile.
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[05 Apr 2009 | Sunday]
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I've been to Miyavi's concert at Hibiya. Show-wise it wasn't what I expected it to be and music-wise there was too much drama. But Miyavi is Miyavi. It was amazing.
Now it's gonna be like the time I saw Shiina Ringo last year. Music struggles and self questionings.
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[26 Mar 2009 | Thursday]
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椎名林檎 - ギャンブル
帰る場所など何処に在りましょう
動じすぎた
もう疲れた
愛すべき人は何処に居ましょう都合の良い答えは知っているけど
・・・
この勝負に負けたら「生キテユク資格モ無イ」
・・・
声を出せばどなたかみえましょう
真実がない
もう歩けない
灰になれば皆喜びましょう
愛していたよ
軽率だね
+
Dir En Grey - 陵辱の雨
激情の涙に希望さえ滲んで行き
今を生きて行く強ささえ
激情に狂い嘆き
祈りを夕日にかかげ
Burning from the inside
Crying with pain
アナタには救えない
激情の涙に失った優しさとは
生まれたここに与えられた愛
失った心のわけ
自分の弱さだろう
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