Happy New Year's Everybody!!! Here is some crazy article I found. It's kinda funny, but for those of you who may be insulted, I am sorry for insulting you.
New Year's Resolutions
New Year's resolutions are a dime a dozen. So, how about a dozen? New Year's resolutions involve making vows to do better in the coming year. Some examples of typical New Year's resolutions involve dropping a few pounds, giving up smoking, eating healthier and cutting out the crack with Whitney Houston.
Yes, New Year's resolutions may involve giving up an addictive relationship, substance or personality. In fact, some New Year's resolutions involve giving up altogether.
Self-mutilation and electroshock therapy aside, having a few healthy New Year's resolutions in one's pocket is akin to goal-setting and can help many people map out the positives they would like to see over the next 12-months.
Now, some people don't make New Year's resolutions because they say they are easily forgotten within a week. Or, if you happen to have a case of adult ADHD, about a minute. But, I digress. The most important aspect of making a New Year's resolution is to keep it. But, keeping at bay the dissolution of resolutions is no easy task.
There are many distractions getting in the way of us keeping our New Year's resolutions such as drugs, alcohol and sexual addiction. Necrophilia also comes to mind, as does the bizarre hankering to cut Alex Trebek's toenails with a set of pruning shears.
Other distractions to keeping one's New Year's resolutions include an abnormal obsession with Britney Spears' belly, tongue aerobics, the fantasy of letting loose a pack of wild dogs and psoriasis-ridden monkeys on Survivor Island and Sudoku. But, in order to be distracted from keeping one's New Year's resolutions, one has to make them first.
So, let's start by making a few highly unrealistic and unattainable New Year's resolutions so that you may feel disappointed and globally let down when they don't come to fruition. Here are a few New Year's resolutions that will give you grand unmet expectations leading to clinical depression followed by three days in a sweat lodge and a brief peyote trip to Alice's Wonderland.
New Years Resolutions you Can Keep
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don't date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don't have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don't bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Don't eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Don't believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Don't worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Don't swim with pirhanas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
- submitted by Jokes4U.
Okay, the last one of the list is attainable, so you have one New Year's resolution that may not let you down. The important thing to remember, though, when making your New Year's resolutions only to be later disappointed is that next year at the same time, you can do exactly the same thing again with exactly the same results. Who knows, with any luck you can make a lifetime of this same self-defeating gesture and may even grow to like it. Or, you can make a New Year's resolution against doing just that.