Written and performed exclusively for the Billy Sunshine Show, KRXA, AM-540, Sundays 6-8 EST

After Pearl Harbor, the federal government functioned well without a prime directive, despite the catastrophic emergency we faced. And that my friends, is not good. We cannot prove that government is the problem if we allow it to solve problems.

Thankfully, we elected President Bush to at least two terms as president. George W. Bush has never been about making government function well. And he will continue to vacation untiringly until our government functions at the absolute peak of its incompetence. Any part of the federal government that functions well must be stripped of its power, until only those government functions that cannot actually function will be those that actually function. I praise President Bush's efforts in this regard now, tomorrow—and as long as they keep paying me under the table to shill for the administration.

Flushed with the success of how well the government has failed, President Bush has decided—and he is the decider—that we need to guarantee that neither the Congress nor the Supreme Court, nor the American people will rise to the occasion in an emergency. And so, on May 9th, President Bush quietly signed "National Security Presidential Directive/NSPD 51."

According to the directive, in a catastrophic emergency, "The President shall lead the activities of the Federal Government for ensuring constitutional government." And who better than President Bush to ensure constitutional government? Oh, shut up all you treasonous liberals, the directive takes care of your needs, too (and when the emergency comes, we will take care of you even better). As a sop to you pinkos, the directive states that, in this future emergency—which is coming sometime before the next presidential election—there will be "a cooperative effort among the executive, legislative, and judicial branches coordinated by the President, with proper respect for the constitutional separation of powers."

See, stop worrying. It's coordinated by the President "with proper respect." Bush respects Congress so much that, more than 750 times, he has used signing statements to make it clear exactly what he thinks of the work of our elected Senators and Representatives.

What constitutes a "catastrophic emergency" you ask? The directive defines catastrophic emergency as "any incident, regardless of location, that results in extraordinary levels of mass casualties, damage, or disruption" including "localized acts of nature, accidents, and technological or attack-related emergencies." One more big hurricane, and no one in the United States, not even Sean Penn, will be able to step in and actually help people. After all, have you ever seen any emergency affect good folks like you and me? The backwash from Katrina knew better than to destroy the French Quarter. Tornadoes understand we can always do with a few less trailer parks and small towns in Kansas. Even when a fire had the nerve to threaten Malibu, the only home that burnt down was Suzanne Somers' embarrassingly decorated eyesore.

In an emergency, the executive, legislative, and judicial branches of the Federal Government will be coordinated by the President. That means the next Katrina will anoint George Bush as the absolute head of all three branches of government. And our president is a guy who knows what to do with branches. You get out your chain saw, clear them, pile them up, throw in a few copies of the Koran, Michael Moore's latest documentary Sicko, Greg Palast's hat, and that new Al Gore book—which is so boring that burning it will be like watching the ink dry on all the sections of the Constitution our President will redact—and get ready to barbecue some steaks. Meat toasted at Fahrenheit 451! You know Billy Sunshine's gonna be there.

The directive can go into effect after any incident that severely affects the U.S. population. A cyber attack on Exxon/Mobil? Check. A fire in the Reagan Library? Check. A massive demonstration against the present administration? Check, check, and checkmate to any of you communist sympathizers even thinking about a march on Washington. You ain't a marchin' any more. Because now we have "National Security Presidential Directive/NSPD 51." The name sounds scary doesn't it. But don't worry. You have nothing to fear, but fear itself.

And it's your job to be as fearful as possible.

You may have read… or more than likely, in the case of listeners of this show, heard the headline "Haggard now 'completely heterosexual.'" The lede went on to state that, "One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is 'completely heterosexual.'" Never mind that the counselors make no claim to have cured Reverend Haggard's actual problem… hypocrisy. But whatever your personal beliefs, you can see the enormous potential in the possibility of radical personal change in a mere three weeks, no matter how unlikely.

For example, take Senator Joe Biden… please! Consider a program that could cure him of his inability to shut the flapping up. Imagine the news release:

One of four mimes who oversaw three weeks of intensive wall building, rope pulling, and silent emoting for Democratic Senator Joe Biden said the disgraced politicians emerged convinced that he is now "completely reflective and restrained."

Using only gestures, Biden insisted that his ill-considered remarks had been limited to plagiarism… and insults of Asian immigrants, blacks, Democrats and Republicans. He described his words as "insensitive as hell; it's very offensive… You cannot be insensitive to race issues from positions of leadership. But, I still have a dream… a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: - 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that…

As Biden continued to gesture on and on … and on, his counselors disappeared down a set of stairs hidden behind a trunk full of props.

Another headline about Reverend Haggard declared "TED HAGGARD 'REDEFINES' HOMOSEXUALITY: Disgraced minister denies being gay."

Just imagine if the subject of an equally extreme metamorphosis were our own Billy Sunshine. The problem? He's so vain he probably thinks the Dylan song "The Disease of Conceit" is about him. Don't you? Don't you?

The headline:

Billy Sunshine "redefines" Self-Absorbed, Egomaniacal, Ill-Informed Talk Show Host

The lede:

Shlock jock Billy Sunshine announced today on the Dr. Laura Show that he is completely cured of his egocentric tendencies. Sunshine proclaimed, "Only a person of my intelligence, sensitivity, and height could accomplish what I have accomplished in three weeks. I am pleased to announce that I am no longer enamored with the sound of my own voice. From now on, I promise not to rely on Mrs. Sunshine to actually know something about the topics we discuss. I further promise to read the books of the authors we have on the show. I no longer regard masturbation as sex with the one I love the most. And I now understand that millionaires like me, who never did an honest day's work, should share the wealth by paying fairly for services rendered unto Ceasar. Therefore I pledge to buy 100 copies of the CD "This Human Heart" from CDBaby.com/davidkleiner, to use as on-air prizes and presents for friends… in case I ever have any."

The Haggard story in the Denver Post went on to report that one of the minister's counselors, Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur, said the board confirmed Haggard's claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones.

Imagine this headline: President Bush Now Scrupulously Honest. The lede?

A board of Republican insiders confirmed today that the only untruths ever spoken by President Bush were told only to the American people and consisted of only the following:

The Republican Party will restore honor and integrity to the White House.

We've never been stay the course!

(Begin playing outro music SOFTLY…)

The vast majority of my tax cuts go to the bottom end of the spectrum.

A LITTLE BIT LOUDER

Iraq was "harboring a terrorist network, headed by a senior Al Qaeda terrorist planner"

A LITTLE BIT LOUDER

By the year 2042, the entire social security system will be exhausted and bankrupt.

MUSIC STOPS, BILLY: That's Kleiner's Komedy Korner for this week… (over the following, until cut off)

Eliminating the estate tax will keep family farms in the family. 177 of the opposition party said, 'You know, we don't think we ought to be listening to the conversations of terrorists.' I want Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to remain with me until the end of my presidency.

Today, I have a high privilege and distinct honor of my own —the first unpaid head comedy writer to begin the KRXA response to the State of the Union with these words, "Mr. President, put your state of the union and your lies where there ain't no sunshine."

Mr. President, you claim to have extended the nation's prosperity. You have only extended the prosperity of the prosperous, while wasting the people's money in Iraq, post Katrina, and a flood of earmarks you have the chutzpah to suddenly discover. You have left the cost of a reckless war to our children, who will never have the ability to pay, judging from my own perpetual student slash waitress daughter—who hopes to parlay my six times $35,0000 a year investment in Columbia University (kin-ahurrah, such a bright young woman, let me kvell a second) into a job at a non-profit where, no way will she make enough money to pay her own debt let alone President Bush's. That's why they call it non-profit, dear!

Mr. Bush says, "Our citizens don't much care which side of the aisle we sit on — as long as we are willing to cross that aisle when there is work to be done." We? Work? What, is there brush to clear over there on the left? Get that brush, President Bush, and turn it into ethanol. Did you forget how, for six years, the House relegated the Democratic caucus to a basement danker than the bachelor pad on Broad Street Billy Sunshine shared with his colorful roommate, the thick green mold that covered his sink and refrigerator?

Economic recovery? Don't make me laugh, I can't afford the operation if I aggravate my hernia. Millionaires like Billy Sunshine are better off than ever. Retirees on fixed incomes, struggling to live on say, a teacher's pension, have to take jobs making people laugh week after week on the promise of "when we get syndicated," or humbly hawking "This Human Heart"—for sale at CDbaby.com/davidkleiner, where you can read the rave reviews from sources as respected as Sing Out Magazine—to people without 15 bucks to help feed my innocent four year old daughter.

This president, who awards no bid contracts and has never accounted for billions of dollars spent by his administration, claims he can restrain the spending appetite of the Federal Government? This president calls Social Security and Medicare commitments of conscience, when he's committed to using these programs to enrich Wall Street and Big Pharma? This president touts the progress of No Child Left Untested? And, Mr. President, what have you done for New Orleans lately?

Vouchers for private school? It's not a voucher. It's a rebate for rich folks already sending their kids to private schools. And they don't even have to cut the bar code off the box, fill out those confusing forms and never get the damn rebate from Sony anyway after you can finally afford your first DVD player three years after everyone else already had one.

Energy? If someone could come up with a way of turning this president's lack of credibility on energy into fuel, we could power Billy Sunshine's big screen TV, Mercedes, and penis pump for the next billion years.

Double the capacity of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve? A huge increase in demand is just what we need to raise prices at the pump and send Exxon scurrying around pristine wildernesses looking for more natural gas. (Make your own fart joke. I don't do that anymore.)

Did you notice the duck drop from the ceiling when President Bush mentioned climate change for the first time ever? For his prize, the Billy Sunshine Show will be sending along a copy of the Oscar nominated film, "An Inconvenient Truth."

Security? This president has painted a virtual target on the ass of every American. Just imagine the size of Billy Sunshine's bull's eye (or maybe you'd rather not). I'm surprised the stray buckshot from Dick Cheney's shotgun missed that thing.

We're safer because they uncovered that so-called plot about mixing hair spray with deodorant to blow up planes? If you could take household products and make bombs, our ingenious American high school boys would already have made sure there wasn't a trashcan left intact anywhere in this nation. And I'm sure the American Muslim community was relieved to finally hear that our enemy is not Islam… it's Shia Islam and Sunni Islam. What was that about?

Democracy? Domestic spying, torture, signing statements, and the end of habeas corpus as we knew it? Hezbollah and Hamas win parliamentary majorities, and the death squads finally get their own man elected in Iraq?

Mr. President, you say our surged troops will help secure the citizens of Baghdad by chasing down the terrorists of Baghdad? How will the troops know which ones are which? Your plan means there can only be peace in Iraq when there are no longer any Iraqis in Iraq.

Mr. President… you claim, "Nothing is more important at this moment in our history than for America to succeed in Iraq." Then why not send as many soldiers as we can? Why not re-instate the draft? Why not raise taxes to pay for the war?

Mr. President, nothing is more important at this moment in our history than putting you and all your cronies in jail.

Thank you and may evolution bless America.

Written but never performed for the Billy Sunshine Show, KRXA AM 540, Santa Cruz California

KLEINER: Billy, I can finally reveal that I have been using my comedy bits to test the cultural sophistication of your listeners. (REACTION IN STUDIO) I personally never go for cheap laughs (REACTION IN STUDIO), but I've been putting flatulence humor into every sketch, just to see who among your listeners would be offended. So far, no one has even caught the slightest whiff of what I was doing. So I've decided this week to eschew…

BILLY: Gesundheit.

KLEINER: To pass on the flatulence, and boy is that a relief. So, this week instead of my usual comedy bit we can focus on what this show is really all about… You.

BILLY: I'm humbled. (REACTION IN STUDIO)

KLEINER: Billy, you're not one to talk about yourself or boast. (REACTION IN STUDIO) So I asked Mrs. Sunshine to identify what's special about you. After a few weeks of thought she came up with this. You communicate with a spirit guide who can answer any question by making an anagram out of the key word in that question. Who knew?

BILLY: It's true. His name is Raga Man… That's an anagram for the word anagram.

KLEINER: How clever. Let's put Raga Man to the test. Please anagram Osama Bin Laden and tell us what Osama Bin Laden really cares about.

BILLY: Beano and Islam

KLEINER: Beano and Islam? Now Raga Man is making the tasteless fart jokes? Let's try another one. Anagram Barack Obama. What should our listeners know about Barack Obama?

BILLY: No bub(b)a aces his karma.

KLEINER: And no wife of Bubba aces his karma.

BILLY: It's all about Obama.

KLEINER: Anagram Mrs. Sunshine. What is Mrs. Sunshine's proper role in Billy Sunshine's life?

BILLY: Be his silly nun… That explains the celibacy.

KLEINER: Raga Man, anagram President George Bush. What should we do about President George Bush's plan to escalate in Iraq?

BILLY: O, beg Rep. End surge this!

KLEINER: End surge this? That doesn't make any sense Raga Man.

BILLY: Raga Man says the FCC is listening. Find your own anagram for the word "this," then write or call your Rep in the house and your senator.

KLEINER: Raga Man, anagram This Human Heart. Do you have any interest in David Kleiner's latest CD, "This Human Heart"?

BILLY: Ah! Hunt me his art!

KLEINER: You don't have to hunt for it, Raga Man. Anagram Cdbaby.com/davidkleiner. What do you want to tell our listeners about Cdbaby.com/davidkleiner?

BILLY: Go there and buy the CD so he'll stop this stupid running gag.

KLEINER: That's an anagram for cdbaby.com/davidkleiner?

BILLY: No, but it is the end of this sketch. Say goodbye, Kleiner.

KLEINER: Goodbye Kleiner.

Written for and performed on The Billy Sunshine Show,
Sundays from 6-8 EST, KRXA, Santa Cruz or on the Internet

In his recent address calling for a troop surge President Bush said, "Our military commanders reviewed the new Iraqi plan to ensure that it addressed these mistakes. They report that it does. They also report that this plan can work."

Let's see now. Mr. Bush fired the guys who rejected the plan then handpicked some other guys and they approved the plan. That's all the convincing I need.

But the key word in this passage is "can." According to Mr. Bush, his military commanders report this plan can work. Apparently, we no longer need to feel that a plan will work before we… I don't know… say, uhhhh, commit the lives of 21,000 American men and women. We only need to believe the plan can work.

Given this new criterion, the Billy Sunshine Show has solicited proposed solutions to a variety of the world's thorniest problems from experts of all political stripes. Here are three examples.

Problem #1 Poverty in the U.S.

End poverty by relying on the free market. Abolish the minimum wage and the death tax. Rescind all environmental regulations. Drill for oil in ANWAR. Terminate all taxes on interest, dividends, and corporate profits. Establish unrestricted international free trade.

Want to end poverty in the U.S.? Grover Norquist, Tom Friedman, and John McCain report that this plan can work.


Problem #2 Global Warming

Decrease greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. Methane, one of the biggest offenders. has increased by 149%. Cattle, buffalo, sheep, and the people who eat them, like Billy Sunshine, produce approximately 15% of the world's total methane supply.

Prevent that gassy, bloated feeling. Administer one simple pill to Billy Sunshine and every head of livestock before every meal. Clear the air in the KRXA studio and stop global warming… from the bottom up.

Want to slow global warming? The creators of Beano report that this plan can work.


(Patriotic music begins to play quietly.)

Problem #3 World Peace

The cause of international unrest is personal dissatisfaction. Ensure world peace for generations to come. Have governments distribute psychotropic drugs free to every adult citizen. Encourage marriage and good health among senior citizens by making sex between husbands and wives above the age of fifty, tax deductible. Establish a minimum wage for comedy sketch writers. Have the United States government buy and distribute the CD "This Human Heart"—from cdbaby.com/davidkleiner –to every man, woman, and child in the developing world.

Want to establish world peace? Kleiner's Komedy Korner reports that this plan can work.

(MUSIC SWELLS TO CLIMAX.)

Written and Performed for the Billy Sunshine Show, KRXA AM-540, Santa Cruz, CA

As all three loyal listeners of the Billy Sunshine Show will remember, way back in September I made some startlingly accurate predictions. For example, I said that gas prices would fall steadily until the November election and then rise steadily thereafter. Amazing, yes? So pay close attention as I reveal… my predictions for 2007.

1. In 2007, the Bush Administration, adopting a policy of transparency in government, will grant total access into all of its records and all of its employees to 60 Minutes newsman Ed Bradley.
2. In 2006 Hugo Chavez told the United Nations, "Yesterday, the devil came here. And it smells of sulfur still today." In 2007, it will be revealed that Chavez suffers from a digestive problem resulting in uncontrolled flatulence. As a result, the United Nations will make it international law that, "He who smelt it, dealt it." In addition, Venezuela will increase natural gas shipments to poor communities in the United States. The poor will respectfully decline the offer.
3. In 2006, fear of offending creationists led the Bush administration to forbid the National Park Service from mentioning an official age for the Grand Canyon. In 2007, fear of offending creationists will prevent Dick Clark from revealing his age.
4. In 2007, the Carnegie Deli will name its latest oversized sandwich the Macaca. It will feature ham and pork on white bread cut in the shape of a foot. Only George Allen will be able to get it into his mouth.
5. In 2007, it will finally be proven that gay marriage is responsible for the excessive divorce rate among evangelical preachers. It will also be proven that the excessive divorce rate among evangelical preachers is responsible for the rapid growth in gay marriage.
6. In 2007, Dick Cheney will renounce torture. Therefore, he will resign from office and stop making public statements.
7. In a touching memorial to Gerald Ford, President Bush will declare 2007 "Gerald's Year." In honor of the deceased former president, Mr. Bush will pardon one member of his administration every day. Hundreds of others will be indicted and eventually convicted.
8. In 2007, Ray Nagin will become the official spokesman for Hershey's with the new slogan, "Make your city, a chocolate city."
9. In 2007, Mel Gibson, in a continuing effort to rehabilitate his image, will state that some of his best friends are Jews who control the U.S. entertainment and banking industries.
10. In 2007, the Billy Sunshine Show will be picked up for syndication by Sirius Radio. Howard Stern will appear on the first show to air on satellite.
11. In 2007, Billy Sunshine will refuse to admit that, after hearing my prediction of his syndication, he said, "From your lips to God's ears."
12. On January 1st 2007, as a consequence of my syndication prediction and his faith in my predictions, Billy Sunshine will begin paying his staff writers.
13. In 2007, hundreds of listeners of the Billy Sunshine Show will check out my site cdbaby.com/davidkleiner and purchase my latest CD, "This Human Heart" for themselves and their loved ones. I confidently predict they will be completely satisfied.

I wish each and every one of the wonderful folks out there a healthy, happy 2007. May this be the year all of you finally find something worthwhile to do with your spare time.

Written For and Performed On The Billy Sunshine Show
Sundays, 3:00-5:00 PST
On the Radio at AM-540 KRXA, Santa Cruz, and Streamed Live on the Internet

ANNOUNCER: In another Sunshine Show exclusive, our investigative team discovered today that while Donald Rumsfeld served as Secretary of Defense, he was also acting as the CEO for Taco Bell. As a result of our investigation, we have been granted an interview with the now former Secretary of Defense.

Question: Mr. Secretary, what is your overall comment on the recent E-Coli outbreak that has been traced to Taco Bell?

Rumsfeld: Stuff happens… It's untidy.

Q: That seems a rather harsh thing to say about people with a serious intestinal disease.

R: By gum… you see an image of someone on the evening news running to the bathroom. Then you see that image over and over. Goodness gracious, how many people with the runs do you think there are in the Northeast?

Q: Your company originally announced that the cause of the outbreak was green onions. Is it true that you announced that conclusion without any evidence?

R: The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence. It is basically saying the same thing in a different way. Simply because you do not have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that it doesn't exist.

Q: Mr. Rumsfeld, accusations have been made that Taco Bell had been advised that the lettuce it was using was suspect. Why were you using it?

R: You serve grande soft tacos with the lettuce you have, not the lettuce you might want or wish to have at a later time.

Q: Is it true you said you don't know if the American people are safer today in a Taco Bell than we were yesterday?

R: Gee willikers, there are known knowns - there are things that we know that we know. There are known unknowns - that is to say, there are things that we now know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns - there are things we do not know we don't know.

Q: I don't know about that. Mr. Secretary, one last question, related to your recent resignation. What advice do you have for your successor Robert Gates?

R: Golly, I'd have to say, "There are a lot of people who lie and get away with it, and that's just a fact."

Q: Mr. Secretary, in some ways, we're going to miss you. What are you going to do now that you're not in the government?

R: I'm going to Taco Bell for a chicken enchilada grilled stuft burrito with extra lettuce. They're only available for a limited time.

Q: Just like your credibility.

Report of the War against Christmas Study Group
Written For and Performed On The Billy Sunshine Show
Sundays, 3:00-5:00 PST
On the Radio at AM-540 KRXA, Santa Cruz, and Streamed Live on the Internet

I am here to present a brief summary of the report of the War against Christmas Study Group. Today, I saw a Salvation Army soldier at my local K-Mart, brushed up against a Christmas tree outside the Penneys at the mall, and had a cashier at Sears tell me to have a merry Christmas. My fellow godless pagans, we are not winning the war to take Christ out of Christmas! And we are losing it in the central front in our war against this green and red menace, the American department store, where we, along with the atheists at the UN and the progressive talk show heathens, must and will replace religious decorations, slogans, and sloganeering with internationalist celebrations of universal brotherhood. But at the moment, the situation is grave and deteriorating.

One of our worst enemies is the ACLU, which should stand for the American Christ Lovers Union. Some Christian student can't give out her ..Jesus is Christmas.. cards in school, the ACLU sees that she can. They defended Rita Warren, the "Lone Ranger of the Manger" whose life mission is to put nativity scenes in public places. She tried to put a plastic crèche in front of the government building in Fairfax, Virginia. Kent Willis, executive director of the ACLU of Virginia says, "The government cannot discriminate against her religious display any more than it can take specific action to promote her religious display... What you talkin.. about Kent Willis?

There is no path that can guarantee success in the War Against Christmas, but in this report, we make 79 recommendations, including:

1. Banning the word Christmas and replacing it with Humanistmas.
2. Rescheduling annual gift giving to February 29th .
3. Changing the following names and others like them: Christopher Columbus will now be known as Don..tWearFur Columbus. Hans Christian Anderson will henceforth be called Hans GayCouple AndTheirSon.
4. Changing the following names and others like them: Godiva chocolates will be known as Kids..lleativa2 Chocolates, Waiting for Godot will be called Waiting for Al Gore. The Godfather movie will be called The Father, the Son They Pull Back In, and the Holey Sonny at the Toll Gate.
5. Replacing the excessive drinking Christians do during the Christmas holiday with excessive drinking all year long. Never mind.. they already do that.
6. Putting the responsibility for winning the War on Christmas where it belongs, on the Christians. To train Christians to kill the Christ in Christmas, we call for redeploying our soldiers from the field and increasing, at a corresponding rate, trainers selected from secularists, trial lawyers, cultural relativists, liberals, guilt-wracked Christians, Jews, and anyone who ever voted for John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, or Barney Frank.

The forces for Christmas are aligning themselves against us. They are sly. They are subtle. We think they..re up to something but we can..t sit back and wait for the proof. We don..t want the smoking gun to come in the form of a figgy pudding or 10 lords a leaping.

And remember, hating Christmas is not a hate crime.

Until next time, this is David Kleiner saying there is no better way to put the Human in Humanistmas than by buying my latest CD, ..This Human Heart.. at cdbaby.com/davidkleiner. They make great gifts any time of year!

War on Christmas? Bah Mr. Gibson.. Humbug, Mr. O..Reilly. You know you created that phony issue to distract from the real culture war, The Chostilities Against Chanukah. That..s right all you gentiles and lapsed Jews who married shiksas. It..s pronounced Chanukah. It..s not HA-na-ka, or Ha NUK ah. It..s not Cha-cha-nukah. It..s CHanukah. CH.. CH.. Chanukah. Go ahead, Try it. It..ll clear the flem out.

And there..s the spelling. There..s only two ways to spell Christmas. But, Chanuakah? Oy gevalt! Is it Ch or H? Two n..s or one? Two k..s or one? In English, there are at least 16 ways to spell Chanukah. You don..t believe what I..m telling you? Look it up at Biblical Holidays dot com. These spellings including: Kanukkah (the Ku Klux Klan variation) and Xanuka (the Black Muslim spelling).

But even worse is the way Christians have co-opted the true meaning of Chanukah. First some background. About 2200 years ago. the Greeks entered Israel and demanded that the Jews bow down to idols and eat feta goat cheese, which revolted the Jews, who then revolted. They were led by a man called Judah the Hammer, a nickname later co-opted by Tom Delay.. may he be circumcised tomorrow, without anesthesia. Anyway, the Jews won..as they always do when they..re not using an American battle plan..and regained the Temple. They could buy only enough oil to keep the holy lamp burning for one day, but it lasted for eight days instead, such a bargain that Jews still talk about it for eight days every year during the holiday they named the Festival of Lights.

Google ..Festival of Lights.. and an article about Chanukah will come up first. But look below that. There are Festivals of Lights in Niagara, Falls, Peoria Illinois, Springfield Missouri, (Nack-a-tish), Louisiana, Peterborough, Canada, and India, and take it from me you won..t find a single yarmulke at any of them.

Right now, in Charleston, South Carolina there is a Festival of Lights underway. Some highlights? The image, created by thousands of lights, of a shrimpboat afloat on the horizon. How kosher of them and how thrilling, I might add. It also features Santa's Incredible Gift Shoppe with their official 14-carat gold collector series Christmas tree ornaments all, no doubt, sold at retail. You..ll find more Jews in President Bush..s cabinet than you..ll find there.

How about the Festival of Lights in Portland Oregon at The National Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother? No, it..s not about my mom or Billy Sushine..s. It..s about Christmas, kinahurrah. For entertainment, they have five concerts a day, featuring groups like the Master's Men and the Portland Boys Choir, thankfully not appearing on the same night, or the Duelin' Sopranos and the Walla Walla High School Choir. I..d rather hear the chazzan over at Beth Sholom sing Justin Timberlake..s ..Sexyback...

For Christ..s sake, (oops, maybe I shouldn..t have said that) Berlin, Germany has a Festival of Lights, during which they illuminate the Brandenburg Gate, the symbol of Nazis power.

At the Oglebay Resort outside of Wheeling, West Virginia, the Festival of Lights has been a holiday tradition since 1985. Display favorites include ..Willard the Snowman,.. named for the TV weatherman Willard Scott who turned on the lights in 1986. You think they..re fryin.. any latkes out there? Let me tell you, neither of the Jews in West Virginia is celebrating this Festival of Lights.

I know. Last year, I visited the Oglebay Festival of Lights. For documentation, I brought along a professional photographer, my cousin Susan. The morning after celebrating the last night of the festival with some locals at a neighborhood bar, Susan and I woke up in bed together. There was a banjo between us, a trailer hitch on the back of my mom..s Lexus and a marriage certificate on the dashboard.

But that..s a whole ..nother story.

Until next week, this is David Kleiner, telling you that the best Chanukah present anyone can give me is to give the gift of great music to yourself and your loved ones.. a copy of my latest CD, ..This Human Heart,.. available at CDbaby.com/davidkleiner.

For those listeners needing a simpler explanation of Quantum Mechanics, I am presenting this lecture entitled ..Introduction to Quantum Mechanics for the Layman... At this moment, Billy Sunshine..s typical listener is still chuckling at the word ..layman,.. proving he needs to learn more about Quantum Physics and to GROW UP.

Billy Sunshine..s interest in Quantum Mechanics began when he learned that Albert Einstein had also flunked mathematics in the second, third, and fourth grade. However, despite years of intense work, Sunshine has never found a satisfactory explanation for why every heavenly body rapidly accelerates away from him despite his enormous gravity.

The term "quantum mechanics" was first coined by Max Born in 1924. Max Born later changed his name to Max Headroom. As a result, no one remembers him.

The behavior of microscopic objects described in quantum mechanics is quite different from our everyday experience. For example, microscopic objects put their pants on two legs at a time.

Quantum mechanics can also help us understand everyday phenomena on a larger scale. For example, quantum mechanics explains why an object traveling at the speed of light can..t get anywhere faster using the LA freeway than a Ford Taurus station wagon driven by a nun.

One important development in Quantum Mechanics was the discovery of the Z-man effect, named after Dr. Peter Zeeman. He had worked for years to discover anything, in hopes he could get people to stop calling him by his previous nickname, the Ass-man.

Max Planck is a towering figure in Quantum Theory. He discovered that a radiating body has elementary oscillators, some of which vibrate at one frequency and some at another. This produces an orgasm much faster than the standard vibrator. Later in the show, if we..re lucky, Pilar will use her sexy voice to explain Planck..s discovery much better than I can.

Planck concluded that light behaves both as a wave and a particle. Planck explained this paradox to Einstein as follows: ..It..s a wave! It..s a particle! It..s two, two, two, two, two things at once... This discovery occurred simultaneously with Planck..s invention of The Wave here in a Philadelphia sports stadium the last time one of our teams won a championship. So you know that was a very, very long time ago.

By definition, no one is certain what The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle means. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle does explain, however, why the Democratic Party, remains uncertain about how to run the country or even get elected except when the country is mismanaged by a bunch of thugs so corrupt and incompetent they make Billy Sunshine electable.

Quantum Mechanics cannot explain many things. For example, Quantum Mechanics states that things are always in two places at once, yet the mind of the typical male is always in one place.

Quantum Mechanics also suggests that by looking for something in a particular place you make it be there. Yet, the Bush administration was unable to find weapons of mass destruction no matter how much they looked for them.

This is David Kleiner signing off from Philadelphia, PA, and Santa Cruz, California. Quantum Mechanics tells us that buying my latest CD, ..This Human Heart.. at CDBABY slash davidkleiner is the best way to make it be there with you.

Thank you.