I've been thinking a lot lately....it's usually bad news and it is no surprise that isn't doing great things to me.

I was doing really well for most of the month of June. I can pretty much pinpoint when June started to go down the drain. A guy from a temp office that I used to work with called me about a job. He basically talked to me like this job was the best thing ever created and how I would be perfect for it. He said that I would start the next day and so I expected his phone call that day...it never came. I ended up calling him the next day to see what time I was expected at that company and he said that he ended up sending a few other resumes in with mine for them to review....&$$&$@! He said that it would be around Thursday when he would know one way or the other...well, it's Monday and I still haven't heard from the douche and I tried calling him today and the receptionist told me that he said I should talk with another lady at the office and dropped me into her voicemail (I didn't leave a message 'cause it would have been a rant laidened with obscenities). I ended up calling the other two Robert Half offices in Columbus and the first one was awesome, some lady named Janelle that actually knew me, so I whipped my Bobby charm (even the fact that I have charm is debateable), but she really didn't have anything...the other office had a lady that sounded very cold and distant.

I'm not saying that I don't like being a server, but I can within the same sentence probably tell you a hundred reasons why I shouldn't be a server. Most of my reasons that I don't want to be a server anymore are both narcissisitc and petty, but those are traits that I usually never portray, so they stick out.

I ended up emailing a temp office that I haven't worked with since I had a bad experience adjusting to lithium. I was actually "let go" from that job 'cause I missed time from feeling so crappy and the lithium made me not remember things or care, so at the time it was no big deal. I just emailed the lady how I can get back into things there and I don't suspect a very positive email in return, but I'm in a position where I can't think of new routes to turn to, so I am retreading old, but scary, territory.

I feel as if I have burned so many bridges here 'cause of my time where I was adjusting to medication, I feel painted in a corner. I am very, very lucky that I still have my serving job throughout the ordeal. I have a very understanding manager and for that I am very thankful.

Earlier I updated my "status" that this will be the first day for the rest of my life. As I typed that I know my therapist would have yelled at me if she knew I did that. She would say that I am setting myself up for disappointment and disaster, but yet I would probably respond with "have I ever set myself up for anything else?" It's about time that I put myself out there rather than sit in my little cave and hibernate. Speaking of my therapist, I should probably call her, it's been a few months since I actually made an appointment.

I don't know what will come of all this, but I feel like I need a change. I have lived with certain things holding me down for a long, long time. I used to be more open about it but I received a few really mean emails from strangers who have read my blog and it disturbed me. It really shouldn't bother me, I mean they took enough time to read it, but it really made me think twice about writing in this blog.

Whatever happens, happens....Bobby will be Bobby, even if Bobby has really bad luck....everything happens for a reason.

Why do I feel like I need to write more?

Hey guys,

I'm still doing the sports/music blog. I am surprised that I'm still keeping it up, but it reminds me of when I had my own site and updated it daily. It's probably the best time-waster I have ever thought of doing, it's great.

Click the link below if you want to check it out...
America'sWhiteboy.Blogspot.com

I still need to update this blog with my personal life stuff. A lot is happening, I just need some things to come to a nice and tidy conclusion before I can comment on them.

I’ve started a new blog. It will be upbeat and mostly dealing with music, sport, and pop culture.

AmericasWhiteBoy.Blogspot.com

Haha, I know what you’re thinking. I tried sweetbob.blogspot.com and someone already has that url and it wouldn’t let me register it. Maybe I registered the name a long time ago and forgot, who knows!

There are only a few posts on it so far, but I hope to add to it daily with various items.

I will still write on my personal blog here on myspace. I’ve just realized that my blog on here is often pretty intense. I am going to try and live life a little more carefree and try to do what I love. I like making people laugh and trying to do a little of that myself. Life has been pretty rough lately and I am in dire need of some life-enjoyment. I figured since my blog on here has been viewed thousands of times, I might as well try something a little different.

I thought after I wrote my last entry that I would start to feel better. I have felt the same and maybe even a little worse. I think my medication is making some things harder to do, like be any definition of productive. I have also been noticing that my anxiety is getting worse at times. Like today, I went into work to pick up a shift, but I was in the building for maybe 5 minutes and I just got in my car and left. I haven't been working much at all. A lot of my co-workers were saying "Hey, Where have you been?" I don't want to go into the deep of everything.

I think I'm dealing with a lot of shame. I know I really shouldn't, but it's there. I'm just upset that I'm letting this thing control my life. I'm constantly putting myself in situations that I fail. I think I want a new job, maybe that will give me some intiative. I've just heard the word 'No' so much lately, i put too much pressure on each and every failed interview attempt. I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon, it's for a shift one night a week at a place just outside of Columbus. I don't even think that I will get the job, but I have to try. It could lead to something more, but I'm in dire need of a routine. No more temp accounting jobs, no more contract positions, I need something that I can depend on. I guess my Logan's job has always kind of been there, but sometimes I get so bad that being around strangers is just the scariest thing I could do.

I was talking to a friend today about how I haven't really given Ohio a chance. I know I've been here for a year and a half, but seems like I have had one foot here and one foot back home. I may just be missing friends back home, since I haven't been back to visit in 4 months. I have a few new friends here and I thought that it would make me feel more established, it has a little, but I think getting a permanent job during the day will help me even more. I've been thinking about just working at a bookstore during the day and serving a few nights a week. I just need to be occupied if I plan on waking up early and getting on a schedule. It is too easy for me to say "screw it" and go back to sleep if I don't actually have to be up for anything. I need to work on that next week, as it is around 4am already and I don't think I'll end up waking up early tomorrow, well this morning.

I'm not a religious person, I think many of my friends already know that. I can see why people who are either in a bad situation or just in need with no one to turn to, go to their religion. I've kind of always realized that, but I am seeing it more clearer now. I don't see myself turning to anything spiritual. I've been trying to meditate before I go to sleep. I'm not really good at it yet, but I hope that I can clear my mind this way. Most of the time I end up meditating and it leads to a train of thought that I can't stop thinking about.

This is a little off-topic, but I talked to another friend earlier today. I was telling her that I am not 'great' at one single thing. I'm good at a lot of things, but not great. I used to think that I was a pretty good writer, but after submitting a few things recently, I've become pretty discouraged. I don't think that I have the patience to hone my skills to become great at one thing. I started thinking of things that I am/was great at. Here is the list:

Playing Madden
Bowling (circa 1998)
Downloading obscure albums
Quoting 'Anchorman'
Listening to people
Contacting PR people for my website and getting what I need(1999-2005)
Collections (I know, not a good thing to be great at)

A few of those things are nice to have, but others are not of any use to me. I used to play Madden all the time, it helped me calm my mind down, plus I could kill the Patriots any night of the week.

I just wrote a long Livejounal entry and I guess I didn't get everything off my chest and out of my head.

I'm trying to get my head around things. I had to go to the hospital again, I was there from V-day until the 20th. I'm at a point where I don't even bother to burden my friends with my problems. I've talked to so many doctors and therapists the last few weeks that it is making me second-guess myself too much. I think that sometimes my "problems" aren't problems and they bounce around in my head until I can't think of anything but that. I want to be myself, but it is hard when I have this vail of self-doubt inside. I guess I would like to be Bobby circa 2003, when my symptoms were not bad. I was such a happy guy. I was ready to go into the world and trailblaze my path. A lot has changed since then. The world has chewed me up and spit me out. I am going to get up again, but right now I think I have to stay on the ground. I can't make large goals right now, I have to make small goals. It's pretty bad when you have a list of goals that says "brush your teeth" as a goal, 'cause some days I go into "screw that" mode and become a hermit for the day.

I wrote a lot when I was in the hospital this time. I really didn't have a choice, it was either write or watch old VHS tapes. Although I did watch "The Brave One" while I was in there, it was a good movie. Anyways, my writing put me back in a good place. A lot of the material reminded me of stuff that I wrote when I was around 18 or 19. I wrote about the problems that I had then and how they look like mole-hills now. I hope that is a sign that I am getting stronger.

Sorry if I haven't talked to some of my friends in awhile. When I am going through something, I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I am trying to get myself to a point where I have hope...that seems far away.

A lot has changed since I last posted a blog, probably well overdue....it is WAY overdue. One of the reasons that I haven't posted a blog lately is the fact that I don't know where I should start.

I haven't had a temp accounting job in a few months, but that could change by this time next week. I've just working at my serving job and kissing ass of people who eat there. I guess I should probably talk about something with a little more substance than where I work. Here we go...

A few days into the new year, I had an anxiety attack and was afraid of everything. I felt out of control and had some bad things going through my head. I was eating Xanax like candy and it wasn't doing anything to calm myself down. I, amazingly, drove myself to the closest hospital around 4am. They instantly put me on suicide watch in the ER. I was in the ER for over a day, until they had a bed open in the psych ward....yep, psych ward. I was put in a wheelchair and wheeled to the psych ward around noon on a sunday afternoon. I was instantly paranoid of everyone that I spoke with. I was just trying to get a nice feel for the place. My roommate was quiet and he slept for my entire first day. Everyone that I met that first day was really nice and changed my stereotype of the people who were in this place. I had group therapy 6 hours a day, and I got to wear regular clothes (minus shoes and belts). We weren't locked in our rooms, the wing was locked, so we could wander around within the wing.

After a few days in the hospital, I started to get used to everything. Three meals a day with a routine of things to do. I haven't really had a routine in a long time. I can't honestly recall when I've ever had a routine. All the people in there were very nice and helped me in many ways. I've never really had much exposure to anyone with similiar bipolar-ness symptoms. It is soothing to realize that you aren't fighting this thing alone.

I've started one two new medications. I am usually hesitant about medications, but so far these are doing their job. The only side effects that I'm noticing are hand tremors and cottonmouth. I've recently ran out of one of them, but working towards a way to get them at a reduced cost.

I'm feeling a lot better these days. I know that everyday isn't going to be good, but I will struggle with this from time to time. I have hope now. Going to the hospital that night could turn into the best thing I've ever done for myself.

I've been going through a lot of inner-turmoil lately. Not the kind that I was having the past few years, this time I can understand it. Self-realization, wait, let me re-phrase that, forced self-realization is what is going on. I have been sounding a lot like Tony Soprano when it comes to my therapist. I guess the sessions never made me realize much until the last 5-6 weeks. I felt like I was smacked up against my head on Tuesday.

I've always thought of myself as a shy, yet out-going person. I guess it depended on the situation. I would normally have to feel pretty comfortable to let go and be myself. I just thought that was normal, it probably is, but my therapist looked at me and told me that I'm a private person. I crack jokes and other things to get myself out of situations where the people could get to know me better. I didn't believe her at first, but on my drive home, I felt like I was having flashbacks. I started remembering situations where I used my defense mechanism (the funny funny) in certain uncomfortable situations. I use it all the time when I serve. I think the people who come into Logan's barely get my name out of me. You think you would meet a lot of people and interact, but I am almost like a robot when I'm in there. I'm friendly with the co-workers, at least I think so, but I think I just have a certain way of doing it and I've stuck to my guns.

I guess my goal is to identify what makes me uncomfortable and find ways to find comfort and calm in those situations. I think a lot of my problems stem from my past struggles with stuttering. Most of the people who I've met within the last few years may not tell that I used to be horrible with stuttering. I still have issues with it, mostly if I'm frustrated or tired. I don't have very good eye contact due to my history with that. When I stutter my eyes go straight up, if I look at people in the eyes, they could probably tell that I'm stuttering. It's one of my one "tells" that I'm stuttering that I haven't successfully hidden, the other is when I'm talking my head will nod a small amount with certain words.

My therapist lady wants me to start saying "Hello" a lot more to random people. I guess it's a way to make baby steps to where I want to be. Unfortunately, I already do this at Logan's, it's part of my robot mode. When you are walking by someone and saying "hello," there is a small chance that the person will stop and try and talk with you. So, saying "hello," is pretty harmless.

So, at my other job, there are a lot of people my age here, which is rare for me at an accounting job. A lot of people walk by my cubicle and they seem nice. There are a couple of people that I've seen wearing band t-shirts of bands that I enjoy. These are the people I wish to talk to, but I'm horrible at it. I somehow messed up a perfect situation to talk to one of them two days ago, make that two perfect situations. This girl was outside looking at a magazine, she wore a Bonaroo t-shirt a few days previously (doesn't mean that she has any taste in music, but I'm sure she believes that she does). She was sitting on steps in the parking lot and I was coming back from lunch. She is in my direct path to go the building, but I do this wide walk and avoid her completely. An hour later, I'm going to the lounge and we meet at the door at the same time, I opened it and she said "thanks" and I think all I squeaked out was "welcome" that probably sounded like Beaker from The Muppet Show. Once in the lounge, she was getting a coffee and I filled my cup with ice water, I avoided walking by her again by exiting out the other side of the lounge. I guess I didn't need my therapist to tell me that I was a private person the next day; I knew it at that moment.

I can name so many moments in my life that I just held things back, wasn't vocal about something, didn't say how I felt about a person…..usually when I do, it's too late. I know I can't change this over-night or within a month, but I realize that this is a change that needs to occur. It's been too long and I'm tired of hiding from it. What's the worst thing that can happen if I said something to anyone? They will either say something back or not say anything….or if you're John Cusack, hold a boombox and play some Peter Gabriel.

So here I am, my swan song, I believe I will need everyone's help in helping myself. That's right, if someone invites me to something and I have a lame excuse, call me out on it. I'm probably halfway freaking out and just want to stay at home and listen to records. If you have anything that you need to ask me or think that should've asked you, let me know…or wanted to know anything about my past. I don't care what it is, I will force an answer out of me.

It's bad when your therapist tells you that you need to go on more dates...this is exactly what happened to me yesterday. I guess it was my fault, I came into the appointment with not much to talk about and not really into the talking mood. It was like I gave her the keys to the family car. She started asking some "Let's see how nervous and uncomfortable I can get Bobby" questions...not only were they questions but she creeped in closer and started to invade my "bubble." During this exchange, I started to fiddle with my hands, eye-contact was non-existent, and I was feeling like I was trapped in a prison of my own insecurities. All this time I never thought that she was listening to me, then BAM!, she hit me with all this stuff that I've kind of implied but never told her. I guess she wants me to be more social....I think I'm pretty social, but mostly with people I already know. :) I could go on dates and all that stuff, but it is just so much freakin' stress on my body. I'm a pretty nervous/anxious guy, I'm sure that isn't a shock to anyone has even met me once. I'm just going to make an excuse to get myself out of that situation, probably picking out some small and insignificant flaw that somehow constitutes me to not date that specific girl any longer. It's worked so far, haha, well not really, but I haven't lost any limbs.

I've kind of sworn off girls for awhile, I've kind of been in that mindset since the beginning of the year. I needed to get myself straightened out before I add anyone else into my tornado path.

Oh, also, I guess I need to start being less funny. It detracts the emphasis on me and it makes the other person lose focus on me, thus mission accomplished (in my eyes). Therapist lady is giving me scowls everytime I make a funny....

*Note to self* If you ever do stand-up at an Open Mic Night, do not invite therapist lady.

Hey stranger, been awhile since I wrote….

I can't even remember what I wrote about last time; maybe it is better that way. I know the last few entries were just links to some of my writings on Helium.com. My last real one was probably when I was working at Cardinal Health. Wow, has the last few months been positive.

For those who really know me, the last year or so has been rough on me. Dealing with some things in my life that were unavoidable, they needed to be taken care of, but the journey has/is rocky sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm the Bobby of 2003ish, I'm not saying that I'm great all the time, but it's a start.  I guess I kind of lost myself throughout everything. I think each medicine that I was on, took a little bit of myself away until I was just a mess. The medicine I'm on now, even though it is the one with the most possible side-effects, has worked better than I had ever hoped. I am not going to say what I'm on, for me, it's kind of a hardcore medication, but most of my friends already know, I'll probably tell most people who ask anyways.

I'm working as an Accounts Payable Clerk at a lawfirm in Columbus and I work at Logan's Roadhouse on the weekends (I know, been there/done that right?) I like both of the jobs, they are polar opposites from each other. I like everyone I work with and that's always a plus.

For those who have been asking me when I am coming home next, the answer is July 13^th-15^th. I hope to make it to see a friend's band open for Crossfade at Piere's on Saturday that weekend. I haven't been home in a few months and as crazy as it sounds I am missed some aspects of Indiana, but mainly my friends. I still lack an Ohio Aron, Ohio Carlos, Ohio Joe (which I don't really want all too much)…I need some Ohio SIPS, Ohio Sword Guys, and an Ohio Big Fat Mike.

By the way, anyone who wants to come and visit me, you are MORE than welcome to come. I will show you a good ole' time…..guaranteed!

 

A Bobby guarantee is like gold, son.

Hey guys,
I couldn't sleep last night, so here are some more articles that I have posted on Helium.com. Check them out, if you have any feedback, lay it on me!

Predictions: March Madness Sweet Sixteen

Being a Florida Marlins Fan

Best NCAA Basketball Coach All-Time

Greatest Upset In NCAA Tournament History

Life of Dale Earnhardt Sr.

How to archive MP3s

How to Lose Your Job

Being a Chicago Cubs fan

How will Kevin Durant and Greg Oden effect the tournament?

Predictions: March Madness Final Four

New York Knicks and their future

Dwyane Wade's Injury

Predictions: 2007 NCAA Basketball Awards

Hey guys,

Here are a few new articles I wrote that appeared on Helium.com.

NCAA March Madness Upset predictions

Reasons To Go To A Minor League Game

The Beauty of Baseball

I've been keeping myself busy writing...here are the links to my articles that I have written on Helium.com. (WARNING: Most are sports related, just wanted to let everyone know.)

Just click the link below!

Brett Favre Article
2007 NCAA Finals Prediction
Play-In Game
NCAA Tourney Underdog Moment
Scottie Pippen
Bonds & Steroids
Four #1 seed prediction
Tony Kornheiser
Mike Mussina & Don Sutton
Players to watch in NCAA Tourney
NL Central Division prediction
Thin Air at Coors Field
Bullpen By Committee
2007 Fantasy Football - QB
2007 Seattle Mariners prediction
NBA underrated player
MLB greatest players
Pitchers to downgrade in 2007
Chicago Cubs - Spring Training
Cubs 2007 predictions
MLB players paid too much?
Toronto Blue Jays - Spring Training
Best shortstops
"The Struggle From Within" poem
Best debut albums
The case for more complete games
The case for Burt Blyleven in HOF
Impact of blogs on news industry
"Valentine's Doormat" poem
Rob & Big - TV review
Does baseball need a salary cap?
Tom Brady / Joe Montana comparison
2007 Super Bowl predictions
2007 Cy Young candidates
Tony Romo's talent
2007 Fantasy Football - RB
Is Jessica Simpson a real singer?
Steve Nash should win MVP
Steroid Controversy in baseball
The Fray - "How To Save A Life" - Review
Building MLB's all-time greatest team