Ok, let me first start off by saying... "WTF?"

I haven't signed onto MySpace (in any shape or form) for several months. (Forgetful Steve)

Today, I log in, and I'm prompted by a flood of emails, a notice saying that my account was hacked, and that my password has been stolen and that my account was used to spam MY FRIENDS!  ... WTF!

Ok... calming down now.

Anyways, so I have changed the password.  I'm still unclear how it was "stolen" or whatever.  I have not typed in my password on ANY other sites, nor have I actually logged into MySpace since January (i think).  And before anyone screams "you had a virus"... first off, all my Windows machines are locked down tight, they require my permission to do anything. And I also use my macbook and linux-eee to surf the social-networking-sites anyhow. (Apples/Linux are not prone to Windows-Viruses)

So I've noticed a few of my friends have deleted me, which I can't blame them.  I probably would to.  But no one thought to tell me in-real-life, with verbal speech!?!?? Thanks guys.

Anyways, I'm here to check my mail and I guess I probably need to change my password at a few other sites now. (Silly Steve again)

To all those that I spammed, sorry, it wasn't me and I didn't know.  To all those that deleted me and left "directed" emails to me, sorry again and I hope you understand.

...

But ya.... WTF!?!

There are times I wonder...
I wonder what would have been for me and others had I kept my mouth shut at times and spoke up at times that I had been silent.
I wonder what would have been if I had called a person more often to show that person how I felt, and talked to another person a lot less to show how I felt about them.
I wonder what life would be like I had been born on a different day, in a different state, or at least grown-up in a different area.
I wonder about what life is going to throw at me tomorrow, will it be the catch of the day or will it be my greatest fear.
I wonder about all the times I've said those three little words, which led me to wonder if I didn't say them enough to one person and should never had said them to another.
I wonder what I would be doing right now if I had the courage to stick up to my teachers and explain to them what my problem with writing actually was.
I wonder if my life, my current status, my... myself, would be any different right now, if I had done one or two small things differently.

... Sometimes, wondering about stuff is a bad thing, because it brings up the past, and brings up the future in the same turn, but right now, all I have been doing for a long time now is wondering.  And wondering leads to thinking... and "What If..."

What if I did socialize more as a child, would I be more social today?
What if I did try for football as a child, would I be muscular right now?
What if I did have sex with the very first girl that I could, would I feel any better now?
What if I had hung out with the kids at school, like for float-building, would I ever have been invited to the partys?
What if I had the courage to walk up to a girl and start a conversation, would I had more or less heartbreak?

... The problem with wondering and "what if" is it all makes a person think, and for me, I do too much thinking, I know too much about some things and at the same time, I know little about others.

My friends tell me I wonder about life too much and what could have been and "what if" too much, but when I see my life as it is right now, how lonely it is for me right now, I can't help but wonder.

Well, I figured it's about time for me to make another blog.

First off, my life has gotten more boring again, thus the subject of this blog.  Nothing new to talk about as far as my life goes now, so I'll kinda re-cap...  Ever since I decided to help my parents out around the house and financially, I haven't really had much time or money to set aside for myself.  Before my father had his stroke, I had plans of getting a car, moving out and settling into a place of my own.  Now though, I guess my destiny needs me to delay those thoughts for just a little while.  Don't misunderstand me, I'm not whining about the situation, nor am I casting blame, I just have to re-think my goals again.

Secondly, even though my brother said he had a car that I could buy, I finally got ahold of my brother (after about 6 months) and now he says he hasn't seen or heard from the guy since that same day and doesn't know his name, number or anything.  Well, I'm going to just sit that money aside for now anyways, I don't want to purchase a car that nobody around here will work on if anything goes wrong with it.

Lately though, I've just been collecting myself and mostly isolating myself from my friends and family again.  I don't really know why, I've just gotten to the point where the only thing I do everyday is work, whether it be computer work, website work, or programming work, lately its all I can put my mind onto without getting more depressed.  Again, don't get me wrong, I actually enjoy working, at least when it's computer-oriented; I can get lost in computer-work sometimes like you'd never believe.

I know I need to stay in touch with my friends, but my social skills are null, my friends usually call me and start conversations, not the other way around.  But even then, I haven't heard from multiple people I call my close friends in months, and I'm too shy to call them or make myself look like a jerk for not calling in months, so I end up continuing the problem of not calling.  Off the top of my head, I haven't made any non-business calls in the last month, and now I'm starting to think that having my own phone wasn't that necessary as I had thought.

Besides all that, I've been so bored lately, I decided to apply for many jobs at multiple places, and generally fool around with non-important computer stuff.  Today I finished a website job, fooled around with a restricted server until it spit out multiple IP/port addresses, watched some movies on the PC, and ripped a few XBOX games and a CD and put them on bittorrent.  Heck, I'm starting to get into coding programs again in my spare time even just to kill time between computer jobs.

But at the end of the day, now, I still feel un-accomplished... Like there is something still missing from my life.  I know what's missing from my life, but I can never say, for saying it would curse myself to never recovering it.  What is missing from me cannot be summed up in one word, for that would be like summing up a beautiful painting in one single color.  As red is to the Mona Lisa, is the missing part of me to myself.  There just isn't enough room on the internet or even enough room on pages from a million libraries to condense what exactly is missing from my life.
... I could go on for a long time with this, but I don't want to burden others with my problems.  When it comes to work, to computers, to games, to electronics, or just general hacking/phreaking, I don't have a single problem.  And I realize there are millions of people with worse lifes and much worse emotional states than me, but sometimes it's hard to remember that and I wish there was just someone there for me, just once, that I could talk to about this stuff.  Just once.


Well, thats enough for now, I want to finish up this one script I've been making for automatic logins and "stuff" and also I have work in the morning so I need to prepare my flashdrives for tomorrow.



In case you read this far, here is some classic music that I just had to share:

To my surprise (well kinda) my blogs are back on my profile page.  One style or another had made them invisible or something, but with the new theme and everything, they've re-appeared as you can clearly see.

Tons of other stuff has occured besides updating my myspace page, but I've neither the time nor the typing capibility at the moment to jump into everything right now.

Simply put, I'm putting some fears aside for someone special and finally started cleaning out my room again.  There is a ton of other news, most of which has nothing to do with me and also might not be my place to say anything on, so I won't.  In any case, I'll try to update this blog every once in a while, or at least when I get really bored at 4 or 5 in the morning.  lol

Well, I know I should have posted something much quicker on here talking about the cool day that just passed... Ironically, so much stuff packed in one day...  My birthday, a 5yr class reunion, as well as my nieces' birthday, my uncle's birthday, and oddly enough, a friends' brother's birthday as well.

 

8am... I wake... Sorry, no.. I am woken up loudly, shaking me halfway into consciousness...  (doesn't happen often... usually I'm a instant-on person when I wake.)  First things first, church with my mother and pick up some stuff for my niece and so forth.  Well, simply put, half my brain was not awake until noon, so I was pretty much running on automatic until then.

11am... (still half-awake) Shopping, garage sales...  First off, my mother forgets her purse... luckily, my mental math still works when I'm half-asleep and I'm able to add up the items I picked out.. and figured out what she was purchasing and quickly compared that against the measly $14 in my wallet...  Needless to say, I was able to pay for her stuff and mine, no problem.

12n... (probably the most awake I'll be all day)  Cake time...  Okay, simply put, cake, no ice cream (darn!), and a few gifts.  Now, with my sister, nieces and such all gone... I decide to mess around on the computer and then somehow I fall asleep... (must have been tired...)

5:30pm... RING!  Whoa... that seems to be my new way of waking up these past few months... Anyways, needless to say, the reunion started at 5pm, and subconsciously I figured... "fashionably late" and the such.  Nope, a few good friends were wondering where I was.  Okay, quick to get cleaned up and ready... Real quick...

6pm... Okay, walking up to the place... Sidelines... Memories start swirling within my mind... my heart starts twisting in fear... my gut warns me... But I keep walking.  Inside.. I'm totally confused... for one, it's the first time I've been in the place, second... "where is everybody?"  lol
A person that worked there came up to me and asked if I was there to meet someone... I glanced around... she then asked if I was there to meet "her"... a woman sitting alone... looking at me, in such a way that must have meant that she was meeting someone she has never seen and they were late... very late.  I quickly told the woman that no, I'm here for the reunion... and she told me it was downstairs...
Oddly, part of me felt sorry for the girl at the table... heck, part of me had the idea of going over to the woman at the table, figuring that the guy she was to meet wasn't showing up.  Why my mind brought that up must have been from watching all those 'chick-flicks' over the years... settling in that idea.  In any case... I didn't go over there, but I still hope that whomever that lady was meeting did show up and went well.  As for me, I went downstairs to meet the past...  Well, the past isn't what I remembered...

"What we are never changes, but who we are... never stops changing." - Gil Grissom (CSI)

Well, so much happened in such a short time, but details aside... I met up with all my old school friends.. and even those that part of me haunted my life.  One thing I'd like to say is that I sucked up all my fears and decided to face at least two people from my past, one that had striked fear with just a glance as a child, and one that I had feelings towards at a young age that I was later scared to chat with growing up.  The one I feared, I walked straight up to... and talked.. just talked.  He's doing well and has a good life going on and from what I've gathered, doing pretty well.  The second, well, she's doing well for herself as well and didn't even remember some of the stuff that had been rattling in my mind all those years ago.  Consciously, I talked with them to say that I had no ill feelings towards them and vice-versa, but maybe sub-consciously I was trying to release some held-back fears from my past.  In any case, I talked to a lot of people I've barely talked to and a lot of people I've talked to very often in school, but rarely afterwards.

All-in-all, a fun day, got to get out, have some fun, meet some old friends and school-buddies, and for once in my life, I relaxed.  Me, a recliner, and the stars... I just relaxed for quite a while...  You don't know how much that really means when you rarely get a chance to relax normally... With a fire to my front, wind at my back, and a recliner set back, and friends nearby, silence... just perfect silence... I could have slept, but I enjoyed the moment too much to sleep.

Okay, to sum this all up... A rare occurrence... My birthday went pretty well.  From normal birthday stuff to perfect relaxment... Ya, it was a good day.

Before I forget, a huge thanks to Amber for setting up the reunion and it was pretty cool that it fell on my birthday and all.  Even though the reunion was just a reunion, part of me felt like it was almost like a birthday party for myself as well.  Also, thanks to all that showed up and I chatted with, and especially to those that I had very in-depth conversations with as well.

 

Until next blog...  Later all.

 

 

PS:  I cannot wait to see how some of those pictures turned out... I'm assuming they'll be hosted on something like http://photobucket.com/ or such, in any case... I can't wait to see what I looked like for some of those photos.

Oh yea... I have a feeling this is going to be probably the funniest blogs I have ever written.  ... And I haven't even a clue of what I'm gonna type just yet...

 

First of all, yes, I am still a virgin.  So what?  Got a problem with that?  lol  Seriously though, yup... still a virgin.  Okay, now that I got that fact out of the way, that all of my close and not-so-close friend probably already knew, now onto some rambling of my own...

Okay, first thing you may say is... "Okay, you're a virgin, waiting for marriage I suppose?"  in fact, one of my friends thinks this is my view as well.  Well, for one, that line has been used on women too many times to even begin to count, and for two, sex shouldn't be something you set a date and time for, it's not a sporting event... well, not for most people, it isn't.  LOL (you know who you are)  When the time is right for me and the person that I am with, it might happen... I don't know.  Could be after marriage, could be before... don't know.

Secondly... the next thing I sometimes hear.... "Haha... Virgin huh?  I knew you were ugly, but wow... even ____ has had sex... multiple times!"  To which I say.... "Yea, umm... okay, whatever."    lol  (and yea, i've already heard it more than once already)

So, okay, lets dive into my life.  First, my close friends... as far as I know and have heard, all non-virgins... they lost their passports at different places, but that's not what you're reading to hear about anyways.  Some friends with children, some friends that are pregnant, some friends that talk about their expriences too damn much, and some that I can assume have had sex given how they talk about it.  Funny thing is, I am essentially 100 % alone among my friends, for that one fact seems to seperate us when it comes to conversations about sex.  (Oh... that reminds me... If I hear one more sentence with the words "pleasure" and "parents bed"... somebody will get smacked.)

Now to dive into my life, as comical as it may be...  Well, right off the line, I've probably have had the opportunity, more than I actually realize, to have sex.  In all cases, whether it be my own choice, or the fact that I didn't understand the "signals"... nothing happened, and thus I stand before you... virgin.  I won't go into the details of any of the times, because I don't want to hear back from some of them on this yelling at me saying I was an idiot, fool, etc.  Anyways, funny as it may sound, I don't have a desire to have sex yet, I just don't yet.  My friends tell me that I don't have the urge (or the "itch") yet because I haven't, maybe that's partially true.

Ok.  Now... the word "virgin"... no... actually, the whole concept behind, in-front of, above and below the word "virgin"....  One of the few words that spark thoughts within everyone's minds, male or female, virgin or non-virgin... from every part of the world to every adult around... Each person reacts slightly differently to the word.  Some are postive, some are negative, some don't really care.  Some people have lost their virginity in the worst ways, some in the best ways... some have lost it awkwardly, some don't remember exactly who was their first.
Sex is in all cultures, all lives, thus the absence of sex is present at one time in everyones life at one time or another.  Honestly, society gives too much pressure and meaning into the terms, sex and virginity... they are over used in many societies.  Even just reading this blog stirs up memories within all of you, some bad, some good, some forgotten, and for those virgins out there, it stirs up not memories, but instead thoughts.  But no, that is not what this is about.

Basically, what I'm getting to is this... I'm a virgin, and I don't care.  What people think and what people say is their own right.  But for me, I just don't want to "lose" it in the worst of ways.  I don't want a one night stand, I don't want a "paid escort" (friends: don't even think about it), and I don't want to lose it to someone that will majorly break my heart, for that will be the worst way.  Maybe I'll lose it after marriage, maybe not, I can't say for sure, it's more about if I feel right with it or not.

 

"When you are with a person you truely love... it's not called 'having sex'... it's 'making love'." - (a quote from a good friend of mine)

 

Alright, now... I'm giving everyone that knows me, and those that barely know me, or sorta remember me from school, free-reign on my comments for this one.... Seriously, have at it.  Make the best jokes, make fun of me, what have you.  Heck, if you even want to post some stories about me, go right ahead.  Not only do I want to see what type of reaction I have gotten out of everyone, but I also want to know exactly how you feel about me, now that you know this, or how you think of me if you already knew this about me.
Post whatever you want, assuming its partially related to this blog.

 

Seriously... POST A COMMENT!

"I'm too complex... at times, I don't even understand myself." - me

A wise teacher once asked me if I could ever trust myself, quickly I replied, "no."  That instant response of mine has puzzled me to this day.  Do I honestly not trust myself or has the events in my life forced me to feel that everything I do is wrong?  Maybe I was just joking that day, but then.. why do I remember that day...

Know me, not by my words, not by my friends, not by the stories that you hear, not my school days past, nor by anything I say, no, instead, know me by the actions, by the things I do, because they themselves show the person that I am, nothing more, nothing less.

Simply put, I try to be a good person, as I hope we all try.  My school days past was full of events that I didn't like, and past events had me do other events which just caused a tangle of problems leading to people thinking badly about me.

To the friends of my past, that do not keep in touch with me anymore, I am a human being, like everyone else.  I had a life like others do, yet I was judged, looked down on, feared, even used.  I tried to make friends the only way I knew how back then, I did tasks for people.  From small stuff like making programs for math/science classes to randomly taking pictures for kids just so I could be their "friends".

Now, years later, I don't know what I was thinking back then, I was young I guess, as we all were.  But now, I live my life the way I like it, I don't do things to gain peoples' acceptance or "friendship", instead I seem to annoy my friends as much as I help them out with stuff.

I'm still growing in this life, as we all are, some more than others.  I hear about old schoolmates that have married, some that have kids, some that are both married and have kids.  Hell, I'm way behind the curve.

As you've probably already seen, I've completely changed my profile... Because I was getting sick of doing the code manually, by hand and having problems with the results of such, I've went the way of the common MySpace Junkie and used www.msdump.com to customize and change my background and such.  A few tiny changes of my own had to be added to acquire the right effect, but nonetheless, its done for now.  If you haven't seen it yet, check it out and leave me a comment of what you think of it!

Anyways, as you can plainly see, the title of this blog is "Changes" ... why?  Because I've been thinking that even though I'm comfortable in the place I'm and have been for the past while, even with all the changes that have occured to me, that I need to start changing things as well.

First off, my MySpace profile, which as you've seen... is changed.

Second, I need to get some things accomplished around here, so for starters, clean room and pressure people into letting me drive!  I'm not one to bug people into making me drive, but driving is becoming more of a required knowledge instead of a optional skill.

Third, starting in a few days, I'm completely revamping my entire file storage system.  Starting with my DVDs, my CDs, and then all my downloaded videos & music, I'm going to attempt the best, fastest and cheapest data storage of my lifetime.  Simply put, I'm getting organized for once, no more files spread across 4 hard-drives, 3 CDs and 2 DVDs that could all be put onto 1 DVD or even 1 dual-layer DVD disc.

Lastly, being single can be fun for some, and not for others.  I'm one of the latter, I can live on my own, but I prefer not to be alone.  So in saying that, for once in my life, I'm going to take some responsibility, ask women out and if I get turned down, I'll deal with it and look elsewhere.  Speaking of which.... any ladies reading this that are single, intelligent, interested in me... give me a shot by dropping me a line.  lol  Seriously though, I'm still a novice when it comes to dating and relationships, but I'm not completely lost when it comes to some things.

 

That's all for now, I've got to get some things done around the house that have needed to get fixed and such.  At any rate, another blog will follow soon, and I'm gonna progressively dig deeper into my life with each keystroke.  Until then, l8r all.

 

 

For anybody reading this far, I've got another game... Kinda hard if you haven't played one like this before, so be forewarned.

The Grudge 2 - Game

 

 

PS: Nope, this isn't the real funny blog...       But it's coming though.

Alright, I know I've slacked and haven't wrote a blog in nearly forever, but I have been busy, and busy... and busy, and did I mention busy?  LOL

Seriously though, many things have happened lately, and I don't know where to begin.  Between work, love, MySpace, cars, jobs, and money in general, many things have changed a lot.  The last blog I wrote was January 29th... which is both a long time ago as well as just like yesterday.

To begin, first things first, work.  Computers have been coming here like it's grand-central station and I can barely keep up.  I've been putting off a few jobs due to this and that's bad enough, but now it is interferring with my spare time, and that just won't do.  One computer has been cursed since it entered this house, between new power-supply cables, adapters, additional cables, as well as some other trivial stuff, now the darn thing needs a BIOS flash because the BIOS on it is corrupted.... this is a NEW freakin' board!!  Oh well, it's a known problem with the line and I can deal with it.  Another computer is still waiting on parts to become in-stock, so for now it sits.  Yet another computer is so full of virus and spyware that it takes nearly a half-hour just to turn on... should be about 1-2 minutes minimum.  I'm wondering how the darn thing even boots, much less doesn't crash.  There's a few other computers here as well, waiting on one thing or another, and a few I'm waiting on right now to finish virus scanning.

Secondly, love.  Well, touchy topic for right now.  Lets just say this, things have changed, and I'm fine.  As for what happened, how, when, etc.... I'd rather not talk about that in a blog.  For now though, everything is fine, understood, and okay.

Third, MySpace.  What the heck is going on lately!???  First off, my basic info gets jumbled, now my height gets set wrong (fixed now), and then I couldn't even load the homepage randomly tonight.  Alright, I know, MySpace sometimes goes down for routine maintenance, but still, some stuff NEEDED to be changed... First it said I was "Married", then it said "Divorced", then it changed to "Single" and then "In A Relationship", eventually I just left it.  Everytime I tried to update my basic info, it changed to something else completely different.  Why?  I have no clue.  (PS: Never been Married, nor Divorced.)  Somebody told me my style code might be doing it, but I don't know.  In any case, after some other stuff occured, I changed it once again to "Single"... since that is the case now.  All-in-all, one person thinks my account got hacked, one person says it's just MySpace doing routine work, and another says it's my style code.  In any case, I'm not messing with my settings for a while just to be on the safe side.

Fourth, cars.  Yes, I have been checking out cars... but I've also been checking out the prices.  So far, only one hit my price range, and was bought the next day... by someone else. (!!!)  Oh well, there's tons of cars and tons of other vehicles out there, eventually I'll find one.

Fifth, jobs.  I'm torn between two thoughts right now, getting a license and setting up a full-time actual business and maybe even set up a actual shop, or to find a normal everyday job and just keep up with both.  Basically, tough decision, because I'm great at computers, but horrible at everything else (ask anybody.. lol).  I'll have to make a decision sooner or later, otherwise I won't be able to get a car or whatever else.

Sixth... money.  Money, the one thing that everyone understands, yet is controlled by.  In any case, money is good, but I wish it was awesome.  I believe that once these next set of computers are done, it'll get up to great, but for now, just good.  LOL  Seriously though, as I've said above I'm thinking about jobs and working for myself and so on, because I'm envisioning a budget soon that right now I'm just barely coasting above.  For now though, things are fine.

Seventh... um... darn, no seven.  Alright, well, anyways, in summary, things have changed, I'd love to talk about all the changes, but there isn't enough room here to even begin.

 

 

Alright, well, I've bored you enough for now, but since you've been so curious and such a nice person to read all the way through, how about a game to put yourself at ease?  (or frustrate you... LOL)
3D Logic Cube
(I'll add it to my page later, but for now, people that read my blog will be able to find it.   )

Alright, go on... go on, I'm done typing... Go... Shoo!   )

 

 

PS:  I'll post another blog soon, but right now I have got to get back to work.  But don't worry, the next or possible the next one after, will be very funny, yet serious on many things in my life.  But don't hold your breath... It might be a while before I remember to do another blog. 

Alright, that's it...

LOL... You guessed I'd rant and complain about something?  Nah, not this time.  Just couldn't think of a better subject headline.

Anyways, as you've noticed (or maybe not) I've deleted my old Stargate Atlantis' posts that I had.  For some reason, I actually thought people would take an interest in my opinion of the shows.  More to the truth, a few of my friends were completly confused.  Oh well.  At any rate, I'm not gonna bother writing anymore mini-descriptions and whatnot of shows I've seen.

Alright, what to talk/type about then... hmm... I said I would never talk about my life and relationships, etc... etc..  And I still think its best for me to not talk about it, despite the condition they seem to be in at the moment... But I'm saying too much already, anyways... I'm okay at the moment, and that's all that matters.  This moment.    heh

Anyways, well, hmm... theres got to be something to talk about here... hmm..  well, I could talk about new friends... etc... but this probably isn't the best place to discuss that either.  Well, hmm... what is there to talk about... this is becoming one of the most boring blogs I've made yet! ... And considering me, that's pretty bad.

Alright, I'm settled, from now on... I'll talk about my computer!  no no no... bad idea.... hmm.. .movies?  no no no.. who'd wanna read my opinions...hmm...there must be something...  I would put pictures in here, of my daily life and etc... but I don't know of a good image hosting service... yet...

!

I've got it!  I'll talk about my daily life, as much as I can remember from today at least...  First off, I have been sick lately... bad cold again... barely been able to get outta bed to work... heh.   Oddly enough, I've taken a liking to work again, it's an odd feeling really... liking work... yea, it's odd.  Speaking of which, I've got another job that demands a program be wrote, and will pay nicely as time goes by.  As for other work, things are starting to get busy again, thus I better get everything else outta the way before february, otherwise I'll never get anything done.

Well then, let's see, I've described my health, my job-status... what else... hmm.... Well, on further news, I've decided to update my MySpace pic... although to what.. I don't know what yet.  So hard to choose... But I have one that I haven't uploaded in mind.  I also put my current primary pic on the "rankings" thing on myspace.... just to show how new I am to myspace... lol  Seriously though... i've gotten 0 votes.. kinda sad.  Well, no news is better than bad news.  (Also, I'm taking down the XMas stuff of my MySpace page... it's nearly February already... I'm slow)

Let's see, I need a quick summary for those to whom skimmed my blog and are just now reading... I know who you are... I see you... Behind you... BOO!  haha... seriously though...
Summary: No more Stargate Atlantis blogs (not worth it), I haven't been on cause I have been sick (darn cold), jobs on the rise & money on the rise, new pics on the way for MySpace, and... I need to control my use of ellipses (...) LoL   hmm... also "LoL" seems to be a habit... LoL!

Alright, enough is enough (heh, ironic) and now its the end of the blog, say goodnight grace.... goodnight grace.
(I wonder how many people will get that joke reference.)

PS:  Yet again, the time is wrong for when I started this post.. I started at 6:17am (yea... I type slow) but yet, the MySpace blog automatically sets itself to 3:17am (hmm... 3 hour difference) to which I say... "Come on Tom, easy fix!" (no rush actually)  LOL  alright...I'm off... to sleep most likely.