By Rich Santos for Marie Claire

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I've been having this ongoing debate amongst several different circles of friends. How important is the First Impression (FI). It seems the vast majority vote is that the FI is extremely important and I am seriously losing that battle in converting opinions.

I am of the notion that 98% of the time, FI is wrong. Review ever FI you've had with people you know… How often was it not the correct impression? Upon realizing that FI are generally wrong, I rarely ever go out of my way to make a good FI… unless money is involved (job, loan, etc). I just act the way I act normally and let the chips fall where they may. Honestly, I've never been very good at a good FI anyway. However, I'm not against being a "ham" and going over the top on occasions when I talk to someone for the first time (i.e. fast food counter people, wait staff, etc).

I tend to think of myself as a vine. The longer you know me, the more I grow on you. I tend to a much better job with building a Lasting Impression (LI). I'm not flashy, I'm not showy, I'm not a sharp dresser, I put value on the non glitzy, etc. I fancy the concept that I'm wrapping myself in the same cloak that Copernicus must have wrapped himself in when he proposed the idea that the Earth is NOT the center of the Universe. The rest of society persecuted him for that notion.

I could be seriously wrong here. I'll admit to making mistakes and being completely wrong on many topics. However, I could be absolutely correct as well. This is one of those times I fully believe that if people think about it further, it would definitely tweak your kaleidoscope's perspective and forever change how you view the world.

Yes,.yes, I will admit and concede that there are people in the world who make exactly the correct FI and that is who they are all the time. There is always an exception to most rules, theories, facts and postulates. Consider every relationships you've ever had in life (i.e. your best friends, ex-significant others, current significant others, close friends, distant relatives, long lost friends, teachers, neighbors etc). If you consider the first time you met that person versus how your relationship with that person progressed, probably 95% to98% of the time you had the WRONG FI of that person because their LI was significantly different.

How many times have you listened or read about someone's relationship going horribly wrong or is not as great as when they first met? "(S)he was completely different once we became an exclusive couple. I ended up growing to hate who (s)he is and I feel very badly about that. I just don't know. I just don't know…. Sigh…" How many times have you been in that conundrum of realizing that a person who gave such a wonderful FI turned out to be not such a good person? And there's the vice-versa, a person who hardly noticed or didn't care much for ends up being someone that is a shining light house in a hazy stormy sea of people.

There is always room for all of us to tweak how we view or do things (that includes me). I don't expect anyone to have a true epiphany based on this blog but it could set off a chain of thoughts that could lead to a slight bump in your road in life… the road less traveled on that made all the difference.

I'm not Casanova. I'm not suave or debonair. I've never been the obvious choice and that's fine with me. Consider some of the less obvious people in your life who could be the Cyrano de Bergerac, Christopher Walken, William H. Macy, a down's person, someone with plegaria, in a wheel chair, a scar, freckles, big rears, a little odd, a little different, is positive but tends to think differently and how much those people mean to you. None of them might be an obvious choice but I guarantee that many of them will leave a LI on you.

I do love to challenge and be challenged. What's your opinion? Please share.

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Ok, normally I don't post blogs like this but this is the consequence of responding to my dear friend's blog of the same name. I won't guarantee I'll get around to doing it if you ask... but if I do, you might have a chance to pick my brain even more.

Leave your name in my blog comments. Once you do that, this is what I'll do for you...

1. I'll respond with something random about you.

2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.

3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.

4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.

5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.

6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.

7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.

8. If you do this you MUST post this on yours. You MUST. It is written

I'm on a blog kick! Four blogs in a month!!!

Ok, this one is aimed at women who tend to go after bad boys. Not sure if you're that XX, well then read and take the quiz… Get your gal pals to come and read and take the quiz as well.

I stole this from:

http://personals.yahoo.com/us/static/dating-advice_bad-news-tango;_ylc=X3oDMTI0YzhqanI0BF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEX3MDOTczMDg0ODcEc2VjA2ZwX3RvZGF5BHNsawNkYXRpbmctYWR2aWNlX2JhZC1uZXdzLXRhbmdv

Dating Bad News Boys

Always falling for Mr. Wrong? Take Pat Love's quiz and find out why.

Ah, bad boys: the eternal temptation. They've been besting the likes of feisty heroines for centuries: Virgil's Dido, Shakespeare's Helena, Jane Austen's Elizabeth Bennett, Margaret Mitchell's Scarlett O'Hara, The OC's Marissa Cooper. But do bad boys -- in the immortal words of Gloria Estefan -- really make us feel so good? Or are we setting ourselves up for failure, overlooking the perfect mate in favor of, well, losers? We sat down with Pat Love to get to the bottom of every woman's favorite mistake. .. Tango magazine cover -->

Q: Tango's entire editorial staff failed this quiz. Are we in trouble?

Pat Love: Don't worry! Many people "fail" this quiz. As you're going through the questions, just pay attention to how you feel. The more you squirm, the more you know that you might be a sitting duck for bad boys.

Q: Why are bad boys so irresistible?

Pat Love: Bad boys are handsome and elusive, and that triggers attraction. But it's largely a societal issue. We are programmed by our culture to think that chemistry is love. We are constantly stimulated-by work, television, shopping-and we tend to move on if we're not excited. Also, some women's brains are wired to interpret anger and petulance as love because of their early negative experiences with men.

Q: Why is it dangerous to be with a bad boy?

Pat Love: Well, they're unreliable. They don't feel an obligation to have a relationship. It's important to understand that when a woman has sex, she releases oxytocin and bonds with her partner. Oxytocin is called the "snuggle chemical." It triggers orgasm, but it's also released when a mother breast-feeds. It makes you feel close and connected and vulnerable. The effects of oxytocin are offset by testosterone, so a high-testosterone person doesn't bond from having sex. And there you have it: Bad boys don't get attached! They say all these wonderful things, and you get this chemical rush that lowers your defenses. But he could be gone the next day. He could lose interest.

Q: Do bad boys ever change, or is that just what we want to believe?

Pat Love: Most don't change. When they get old, then they're with somebody who has clout because of youth and beauty. Look at Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. She has youth and beauty; he has power and status.

Q: What about bad boys who give inconsistent signals? Bad boys who snuggle?

Pat Love: If you want a rat to push a bar forever, don't give him a pellet every time he pushes-then he'll only push when he's hungry. If you take away the pellet, he won't push the bar at all. But if every now and then you give a rat a pellet, he will push the bar forever. It's called intermittent reinforcement. That's the way to get a woman forever; throw her a little tidbit every now and then.

Q: What about bad girls? Do you think that that's as much of a phenomenon?

Pat Love: Oh yes, there are bad girls. They're usually very attractive women who feel entitled. They're used to getting everything, and they know how to work a crowd.

Q: Is it important to break the bad boy habit?

Pat Love: I think you should monitor it. There's this illusion, especially for young women, that there will always be men available. And the problem is, the more you go through the revolving door of infatuation, the less powerful it is. You build up a tolerance to it. If you're going to get a good guy, then you better be watching earlier in life. Don't waste your eggs! Because it's easy to overlook someone when you're wired to be attracted to bad boys. And if you sit around, waiting for someone to knock your socks off like that first love, then you're going to wait a long time.

Q: Is there a way to create bad boy excitement with a good guy?

Pat Love: I always say: It's easier to make a good man hard than to make a hard man good. Friendship gets a relationship to go the distance. Women will say, "I love him, but I'm not in love with him." Or, "He doesn't stimulate me." And I say, "You have to have a life that does that." If you want excitement, then get a good guy and create an exciting life.

-- Marnie Hanel

Like 'em naughty? Answer true or false.

Copyright 2001 William Bontrager

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Originally posted February 24, 2007

This is just for humor's sake.

Comment on the top 10 reasons why...

1. A Woman would date a Chinese (or Asian) XY.

2. A Woman would date someone named Patrick

I need a few laughs after last night.

Please subscribe to my blogs. You'll get notices when I write a new one!

Originally posted February 24, 2007

I haven't written a blog in awhile because I've been debating what the next topic would be... I'm still debating but due to last nights events, it triggered a couple of blogs that I'm compelled to convey. Blog 13 (previous) and this one.

A good friend of mine invited me to go to a singles night event hosted by a radio station at a dance club/ bar. Granted we showed up over an hour late but the event seemed very unorganized and just a way for the bar to get people to show up.

I've written some serious, funny, personal and irrelevant blogs. This one is along the personal and is an expansion of Blog 7. I might have mentioned before how the cosmos likes to use me as its comic whipping boy... this is sort of one of those blogs but much more painful.

This was my first ever singles event. The friend that invited me to the singles night also invited 2 other people and one of those other two invited someone else. We get there over an hour late. By the way, its always good to go to one of these things with people you know. Call it the wing person or the buffer... both will be needed. My friend just so happens to be a droolingly gorgeous woman and so was her gal pal that went. The concept that droolingly gorgeous woman can get away anything and can attract people isn't lost to me due to years upon years of comments and events about my sister.

My gal pal told me implicitedly that for one night, I had to employ every suggestion she made. Ok, I'm game. She also indicated that it was going to be her mission that she find someone for me. I've heard that statement from my sister before and since that never happend, I'm a bit ambivalent to statements like that. But again, I'm game.

As in an episode of Lost, some background info about me... I'm positive all of us have had conversations with friends about relationships, what one is looking for and the pluses and minuses of previous relationships. There have been recent conversations about what I commonly refer to as deal breakers. If you've done this or been a part of that, you are eliminated from the island of potential candidates. All of us have deal breakers or should have them.

Bear in mind... I'm a Chinese XY living in Oklahoma. My island is very very very small because its not just a I choose you it also requires you choose me back island... Finding a woman I'd choose who isn't a deal breaker that will choose me back is ever so frustrating. I am just not very "marketable" in Oklahoma, especially since I have one trait that makes me a deal breaker for 99.99999% of the women in Oklahoma. And I'm not referring to the fact that I'm Chinese.

We get to the singles night at this dance club/ bar that is being sponsored by a radio station. Its very chaotic and doesn't seem any different than just a night in which people would go out dancing other than the occassional break for the DJ's to announce prizes or do a quick "hook up". In the first 10 minutes or so, my 2 female companions begin to attract some amount of attention. My gal pal is speaking to a fellow who indicated the came to the singles night with a gal pal of his who happens to be shy. He suggested that he might introduce us. Now the buffer, my gal pal asked if she likes Asian guys.

Background info... Oklahoma women (of any ethnicity) don't normally list Asian guys as someone they'd be willing to date. Small small island.

So the fellow goes to get his gal pal. No words of wisdom yet from my gal pal. When the fellow returns, I meet Abbey (sp). She's tall (~5'10"). And I dare say sweetly attractive.

Background info... I'm not intimidated by tall women and bodily shape isn't always of great importance as long as she's healthy. I don't believe I could carry on a long term emotional relationship with someone who isn't healthy. Hence obesity, smoking and drug usage are deal breakers. For me, everything important about a woman is from the neck up. How her hair frames her face, how expressive she is and most importantly her intelligence. Win a woman's mind, win the entire woman!

There's a couple of moments of awkwardness. Its loud so we go out to the balcony and chit chat. I generally am not good at making a positive first impression. I'm more of a vine, the longer you know me, the more I grow on you. She's 22 and guesses my age at 25 (for the purpose of myspace, I'm 100). We go back in to join our friends. Do a little dancing (baby, I got no rhythem... and its not easy for me to pretend I do). Women like funny. I have no problem making fun of my short commings of always being a half step off the rhythem... I'm progressive... Slightly ahead of the beat. A few more moments of less nosey areas of chatting... Synopsis of Abbey...

Lovely woman. In retrospect I think I noticed a moment of shock to be introduced to me (not tall Chinese guy) and her guy pal probably did the introduction as a means to "peel off" me as my gal pal's buffer guy. Abbey ended up dancing with another guy a little later. He was closer to her height, better rhythem to the beat and she seem to enjoy his company on the dance floor. I hope she finds the person she's looking for and is able to realize her potential of returning to school for another degree in journalism. Best wishes.

Background info... I am honestly and openly an optimistic person. I tend to have a smile on my face often. I fully appreciate the happiness and good fortunes of others. I am also perpetually hopeful that I might find some happiness for myself as well in all areas of my life. Borrowing from a scene from Grey's Anatomy, its difficult to find a guy like me that really believes in true love, that believes the world is a good place to be in and can get better, and has an amazing amount of hope despite all the obstacles, disappointments and limitations I face and possess. I'm also very ambitious as some of my closest friends know.

Singles night event ends around 10p but the music doesn't stop at a club until it closes. Now the painful part. I realized long ago that clubs and bars just aren't my scene. I enjoy going to them with friends but definitely not a place in which I expect to meet someone among the chaos. Also as mentioned before, I am not a first impression fellow. I'm all about building long term relationships. So I just stood and drank water the rest of the night. My two female companions had no problems connecting with some guys. Saw some people I knew from work and talked with them a bit. Went out on the dance floor with a guy who thought he might be able to score dancing with some asian girls if he had an asian male wing man.

Background info... I'm not very ethnocentric. I grew up in South Tulsa which is predominately white. I don't own a camera and I prefer domestic cars.  I was once referred to by an Asian friend as a twinkey (yellow on the outside and white on the inside). I'd never heard that term before then and had to immediately correct her that I'm proably more of a bananna (very thinly yellow and very white on the inside). I don't drink very often because like most Asians I look like I'm sunburned when I drink and additionally I radiate a lot of heat when I drink.

I don't mind helping out because some guys just have a thing for Asian women. Nothing wrong with that. I have no hang ups with potentially dating an Asian woman but she would 1. not be too ethnocentric 2. and not be drunk off her ass where she can't stand up as those asian women were last night.

Background info... I've traveled over both the Atlantic and Pacific by myself as early as in my late teenage years by myself. I have a healthy appreciation of all sorts of people regardless of race or ethnocity. Good food can be found everywhere and if you like exploring cuisine that make your pallete dance with joy... bliss! In Oklahoma, asian women are either too ethnocentric or will only look to date white or black fellows. Small small island... grrr.

Ok, because of who I am and what I would like to have in life... I need all the help I can get in finding a woman that might pick me back... so here is some more information about me...

I'm Chinese but I'm not ethnocentric. I like good food. I'm very well educated and have a good job. I'm continuing my education while I work toward a Masters degree and will probably look to pursue a PhD. I'm a Democrate living in a conservative state. I'm an atheist which basically makes me a deal breaker for 99.9999999% of women in this state. I'm eternally optimistic and extremely ambitious. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I actually celebrate both because they are who I am and there's no shame in hiding it. I'm stubborn and hard headed but I will listen and imbibe the thoughts of others. I'm messy but also chaoticly organized. I know where everything is or the area it would be. I actually like to hug. I've evolved beyond sarcasim and fully embrace being a pragmatic individual. I hope to be a warm stoic person in my old age. I completely adore my niece and nephew and thirst for the potential to have my own family. I'm philanthropic. I've tutored kids for years and have turned that money around to be a secret santa at the end of the year donating tens of thousands of dollars in toys to kids who otherwise wouldn't receive a toy. I don't mind wearing my heart on my sleeve. Yes it gets bruised from time to time but I also wouldn't have the fantastic relationships I have without doing so. I have an opinion and I'm not afraid to give it. I don't like to fight but I don't mind having a heated conversation where there's a level of respect and safety in which both parties know that the other won't look to intentionally harm them. I don't like using foul language or apolgize very often. Some people do it too much and it loses its effectiveness and genuiness. I'm not promiscuous. I'm not a serial dater. I'm healthy. Not into tattoos and I have no piercings. I'm progressive in thought and deed but live my life fairly conservatively. I like good people that if I were to close my eyes, you'd know they were a good person because they'd have a glow about them that would be visible through your closed eye lids.

I have some deal breakers as mentioned. Smokers, drug users, heavy drinkers, tattooed, uneducated, heavily foul mouthed, divorced and/ or single mothers are all deal breakers. I would give an exception to a widowed woman or a woman who is a single mother by adopting kids. Refer to Blog 7 as to what I would consider as the ideal woman. I have a reason for having these deal breakers. Everyone should have deal breakers. I'm not opposed to have a friend that has a deal breaker trait but it would not be anything more than that. A significant fundamental event would have to occur to change or remove any item on the deal breaker list.

I need all the help I can get to find someone within a decent distance that would pick me back based on my criteria and hers. I would be a lot more "marketable" on either coasts because of the more progressive nature with a lot less emphases on height, ethnicity and religious status. There is a lot more weight and consideration on the value of a person's soul than their arbitrary height, skin color, funniness, body shape, etc.

Check, covered all items in the title. Thanks for your help!