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Current mood:confident
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Swimming in stones, that's what i was doing the past few hours since that last bulletin, or at least what it feels like i've been doing. More like the first couple hours of the past few hours. We'll get to that though. But to where it started, kinda.
Shit actually got a lot better. I went to try and sleep in my bed which did not work at all. I was completely exhausted, frustrated, and miserable which is why i went there. After a few minutes of me lying there, I was reminded how ridiculously wired i was, fucking concerta. it's starting to seem a lot like adderall now. it could put you in the fucking greatest or worst mood. in today's case, one then the other. but this is where swimming in stones comes in. that's what those tiny blue capsules did to me. my fatigue and sped the fuck up body and mind where contradicting each other.
I was stuck mentally, I wanted to get out of that state of mind and just fall asleep but was too restless. I was stuck physically, I wanted to get the fuck up because laying there wasn't doing shit because of how restless i was but i was still too exhausted. Breathing and moving became a task as well.
It Felt like swimming in stones. This went on for about two hours i guess. These are the times when i really want nothing else but a bullet going through my skull. It's a weird craving. It's like a nic fit, except i can't get over a nic fit. this i was obviously always able to get over. hahah I'm not that fucked up. I was just laying in my bed, tossing and turning trying to find comfort in my own skin. then i found it and it took me awhile to realize. it's not something that drops by my mind very often.
It was poetry. I don't read a lot of poetry, or any at all I think. I don't know any poems word for word. I was writing my own in my head. I was never able to before. I'm usually not one to emote much so i never really have much motivation for shit like poetry. Today was different though. It started with me just breaking down how i was feeling to try and figure out how to fix it. I would figure it out, put it into words, then change the words a bit to emphasize some things and make others kind of vague. I guess that's poetry. This was giving my head something to do. It calmed me down.
After i realized what i was writing poetry, I got pretty stoked on it. You should know the feeling of finding out you can do something you were never able to do before. I thought about getting up to write some of them down but i was kinda in a puddle of stones at that point. Also, no one really needed to read these. Now that I've forgotten them I would like to but it's whatever. I started thinking about how this was working, wondering why i was able to do it. Why? Two things, Fienberg, and what threw me into that goddamn sea of stones, Concerta.
Mrs. Fienberg's a counselor at the school. She mostly handles shit like drugs, family problems, and other shit you can't fix with a number higher than 70. She's pretty cool. She called me down to talk today. It was nice. It was one of the few times i actually felt like i was talking to someone. It made me notice how often I just mumble bullshit. Laying in my bed is where i realized why i was talking to her. It was Concerta.
If you didn't know or pick up on Concerta, It's just another ADHD med, a stimulant. I heard somewhere it's like Ritalin, just a few times stronger. I've been taking it for a little while. I was trying to get Adderall again, which i know works better than anything I've ever had, but the doc didn't give it to me. She figured I was underweight enough as I was. Pretty amusing reason, but also pretty annoying, because now i was stuck with fuckass Concerta.
Concerta kind of works, not all the time though, I self medicate a tad. I'm supposed to take one capsule a day every day. One doesn't do shit. Today I took four. It did shit. I guess my tolerance wasn't as high as I thought. From the start I've said "Fuck that!" to taking them everyday. Instead I take them more like Monday -Tuesday. I don't need the side effects fucking up my weekend. It has the usual stimulant side effects, Increased attentiveness, decreased appetite, insomnia some mood swings and apparently, stone swimming. I also keep getting this weird one at least once a day. it starts out as a weird feeling in my chest, to a blackening in my vision, to feeling like I'm going to pass out, then just ending in a short lived but still kind of painful headache. It's pretty annoying but not important to what I'm writing right now.
It's about the attentiveness it gives. I was never very motivated, school was just a place to chill and nap for me. Concerta definitely motivated me today, not only to write this long-ass bulletin with punctuations, capitalizations, paragraphs and indentations that I'm now realizing is way to much for the kids in my myspace friends but also to take shit apart and look at it, like a few steps from the scientific method. At first, I was just taking shit apart in Mrs. Fienberg's office like how i felt about the shit that's happened since last year and then again just about right after my swim. I took apart why I was feeling so miserable.
-Identify the question
-Gather Information
-Form hypothesis
-Experiment
-All that other shit
The experiment's for tomorrow. I don't know how shit's gonna turn out but it feels better to actually have an idea for a solution than to just mope around about the problem. I feel clearheaded now, less insecure. It's nice. I don't know If I'm gonna be in this mindset tomorrow though. I'm wondering if it's just the drugs. I don't wanna have to take them every day just so i could be happy after going through hell. It's just something else to test for tomorrow.
Who the fuck is even gonna read this?
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