If by any chance you missed the HorrorScope, here they are:
OKSANA BARABOLYA'S HorrorScopes
Ukrainian Astrologer
From Today till the Party
Enjoy!
March 13, 2007 - You can just image it. It's pretty dark inside. Lasers beaming colors that you never thought existed. Lights flashing so fast, that your terrible robot-dance, actually looks half decent. Music blasting from the speakers so loud, that you can barely hear your own thoughts. The bass beating against the air with such might, that you keep getting pushed further and further by its great wind effect. And then out of nowhere, someone slaps your ass. But you don't care, and only return the favor to someone else, unconscious, lost in the trance. Your dancing partner is holding you in all the right places, and squeezes you so tight that you're about to blast out a whole Dnipro of liquid. And then you wake up and realize its still 40 days away.
March 14, 2007 - You always found the saying "ugly people make you look better" funny, until when you find out today that this is the only reason people like hanging out with you.
March 15, 2007 - There has never been a better time to finally say NO to drugs as today when Mars is in the center of the constellation of Gemini, a sign of strength over your inner demons. Whether they say NO to you is a different story.
March 16, 2007 - If you still feel that there is no stronger bond like the one between a mother and her child, then you obviously haven't heard of KrazyGlue.
March 17, 2007 - The power of the Bible to defend against evil has always amazed you, but never as it will today when you'll use all 2,236 pages to knock out a villain.
March 18, 2007 - The stars understand your excitement about the hottest Ukrainian party ever coming up in just a few weeks, but they feel it's not smart for you to play Oksana Bilozir full volume and waking up your neighbors.
March 19, 2007 - You will almost lose your faith in horoscopes and constellations when you break up with a loved one on a day when a glimmering Venus is positioned right next to the Moon, a sign that has always meant love in the purest possible form. Don't lose faith; it was only a stain on your window, not a planet.
March 20, 2007 - The stars would like to apologize for the inability to communicate due to the heavy clouds over the northeastern coast of United States, blocking them from reading your boring future, but they would like to inform you that you are unique, just like everyone else.
March 21, 2007 - OMG, like this is the hottest thing eva. (I was lol so hard that I just ended up rotfl) Due to technology improvements, starting today you can communicate with the stars via AOL Instant Messenger. [Screenname: SupaSexxxiStarsOnli4u07002 (sorry, all the other names were taken)]
March 22, 2007 - Being prepared for safe sex is a wonderful idea, but the sad truth is that sex hates you more than Israel does Palestine, and you aint getting any for a long-long time. The stars wanted you to know that you can kill the extra mass, by throwing those old condoms in the trash.
March 23, 2007 - Pluto in today's pitch-dark night sky is no more a reliable source ever since the American Astronomy Association provided evidence that it's not a planet.
March 24, 2007 - After standing in the same spot for 20 minutes due to a Chinese lady arguing with a cashier, you will yell out "soy bout paul sou sang, aw yeuo wai jai." This is shocking since you don't speak Chinese.
March 25, 2007 - Today will be a day full of gory, tragedy and pain. But the shining Comet Bolshevik would like to remind you that it's better than being a big chunk of ice flying in the same circle and being named after bunch commie assholes. How pathetic.
March 26, 2007 - The nice arrangement of Jupiter, Saturn and some star you don't know can only mean one thing for your depression: you need to get laid. And fast. And what better place than the Brooklyn Bash party to find a partner. (Please don't screw on the dance-floor.)
March 27, 2007 - You keep searching to fall in love, but the three stars with such scientifically-romantic names as JFA8RPU309U, JGIEPOQW393 and 38UQPIJFAPOKF that you are more likely to fall in a black hole.
March 28, 2007 - The stars understand your desire for a sexy look to impress that special one. But they are very concerned about your idol Britney Spears and they hope that you stay away from doing that one nasty thing that she does when she parties now. That is, going bald.
March 29, 2007 - You have wished many times before for everybody to "just f___ off." Today the stars will literally make that wish come true.
March 30, 2007 - Today you will question your sexuality. Who knows, there is a tiny chance that you might be straight.
March 31, 2007 - It is true that building a fire for a man will keep him warm for a day. But putting a man on fire will keep him warm for the rest of his life.
April 1, 2007 - You never quiet understood why people tell you that "a man's house is his castle" if you live in an apartment.
April 2, 2007 - Although you were happy about the liquor prices going up again, thinking that your father was going to drink less, the stars would like you to know that all it means is that you are going to eat less.
April 3, 2007 - Mars' unusual presence during your 1 pm in the afternoon lunch brake is there to remind you that even though you had the job for quiet some time now, you only began working there ever since they threatened to fire you.
April 4, 2007 - Neptune's unwanted attendance in tonight's sky means that one should always love your neighbor, but beware of his neighborhood.
April 5, 2007 - Today you will understand that alcohol is the answer. But what was the question?
April 6, 2007 - Just because you don't drink and drive does not mean you can get high and drive. The sign that you just ran over said STOP not POTS.
April 7, 2007 - After referring to Ukrainians as Russians, Uranus is very disappointed with your actions of kicking the ignorant man full force in the privees and beating his head against the wall until it turned blue and yellow because it was definitely not enough.
April 8, 2007 – Easter is here, and what a great time to enjoy the blessed food with family members that you haven't seen in months and be reminded how much you hate them.
April 9, 2007 - Today's full moon will make you feel that the path you chose is the right one to follow. The $350 "Driving the Wrong Way" ticket will quickly change your mind.
April 10, 2007- You go around telling people that "impossible" doesn't exist in your dictionary, but the stars want to remind you that every word from "habituate" all the way up to "liposuction" is missing from your old dictionary.
April 11, 2007 - Although you always laughed when people would say that "life is a sexually transmitted disease," the stars just want to remind you that they are meaning you in particular.
April 12, 2007 - That smiling yellow ball in the warm afternoon sky is a sign of caution, especially for a party full young and restless Ukrainians. Ladies, just keep in mind what happens to girls who have a bit too many shots. Guys, just keep in mind what happens to girls who have a bit too many shots.
April 13, 2007 – Note from Wave 4: Due to complaints from Al Sharpton, this horrorscope had to be taken down.
April 14, 2007 – Excitement will run down your spine when you'll see Cupid in the sky today, but rather than shooting you with love, a real arrow will pierce through your ribs and send you straight to the hospital to save your heart. But hey, love would've done worst.
April 15, 2007 - With the countdown to only seven days, the stars feel that you should question your abilities. Are your feet tough enough and is your body flexible enough to withstand the punishment of DJ LEV and DJ ANP?
April 16, 2007 – Today you will finish a strong second with your neighbors' bulldog.
April 17, 2007 – You want to marry a person that is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
April 18, 2007 – Although College will be the best 7 years of your life, the party in three nights will be your best night.
April 19, 2007 - The stars want to caution you that alcohol consumption may cause to thay shings like thish.
April 20, 2007 – If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you. But dancing is, so the stars recommend you try your luck on the dance-floor before you test the heavens.
April 21, 2007 - The stars wish you a happy partying. Go! Dance! Drink! And get carried out safely!