In this farewell, There is no blood
There is no alibi
Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousands lies
So let mercy come and wash away

What I've Done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
and let go of what I've done

Put to rest, What you thought of me
Well, I clean this slate
With the hands, Of uncertainty
So let mercy come, And Wash away

What I've Done
I'll face myself
Tto cross what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
(Na,Na,Na)

What I've Done
What I've Done
Forgiving what I've done

We finished the shooting of our short movie Oversold two weekends ago in Vegas. Our new the video promo is up at http://www.oversoldthemovie.com or you can check it out below! The video on the website is much larger! Feel free to get the one below from myspacetv ( http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=37349874 )and post it where you like to help get the word out!

Oversold will Premiere October 18th in Tempe, Arizona - if you or someone you know lives in the Phoenix area and would like to get more information about the Premiere, please contact us @ info@elevationchurch.tv - we'd love to reserve a ticket for you. We'd love to have multiple showings and get as many people as possible at the Premiere. Anyone and everyone is welcome to come... but in order to know how many to expect, we will need each person attending to get a ticket.... So, if you are going to make it let's make sure you have a ticket to get in.Thank you for all the love. support, and prayers on this project!

Details about how to get a dvd will be announced at a later time! For even more details about the movie be sure to read the blog entry prior to this one.

A lot of people have emailed asking questions about the movie so Pastor Dave has written a blog to answer your questions.  Be sure also to stop by Elevation's blog and comment - http://www.myspace.com/elevationchurchtv

and here's Pastor Dave:

Hello everyone!  First, I'd like to say thank you to Crissy for letting me speak to all of you about our upcoming movie called "Oversold."

We are all very excited about this short film, and we cannot wait to release it this fall!  I realize that many of you may have some questions regarding this movie, so let me list some of the questions I've been asked and answer them here for you. As the release date gets closer, I might stop in again from time to time as a "guest blogger" to fill you in on the details. 

1.  What is the short film about?
This is a modern day adaptation of the story found in Hosea (from the Bible) in which a preacher/prophet marries a prostitute. However, in this story our "Gomer" character is a stripper, not a prostitute... she also gets a name change.... as does our "Hosea" character. :)

2. What makes this short film unique?
Oversold is a video sermon, if you will... Though actors (like Crissy) are unfolding the story as it goes along, I will be guiding it along as well by showing up from time to time to interject.  This format makes the short film unique in that it combines the indirect nature of the art of story - with the direct and straight forward message of Hosea. 

3. When and where will it be released?
Oversold will Premiere October 18th in Tempe, Arizona - if you or someone you know lives in the Phoenix area and would like to get more information about the Premiere, please contact us @ info@elevationchurch.tv - we'd love to reserve a ticket for you. We'd love to have multiple showings and get as many people as possible at the Premiere. Anyone and everyone is welcome to come... but in order to know how many to expect, we will need each person attending to get a ticket.... So, if you are going to make it let's make sure you have a ticket to get in.

4. Anything special planned with the Premiere?
Crissy and the cast of Oversold will be present at the Premiere and will be available to sign copies of the DVD as well as take photos with people attending the event. The following Sunday (October 19th) the cast will also take part in a very special service at Elevation Church of Phoenix, AZ (elevationchurch.tv) in which the movie goers will be able to hear directly from the cast through a question and answer format which I will lead that morning. Everyone... and I mean everyone is welcome to be a part of this service with us.

If demand is strong and perhaps other cities/churches would like to Premiere Oversold, then perhaps there may be more options in the future.

5. Is there any way for us to purchase a DVD of Oversold? Especially for those of us that cannot make it to Phoenix's Premiere?
Yes... details will be announced in the coming months on how you can purchase a DVD.

6. What can I do to help people know about Oversold?
Soon we will be giving you specific details about what you can do to help get the word out, but for now... we need prayer most of all. This movie is still in production. Pray that all goes well and we are able to get this completed on time.  Let's also remember to pray for the lives that this movie will touch: those in the sex business, strippers, prostitutes, porn stars, etc... as well as the addicted that keep the sex business in business. Pray for them to hear from God through this story that God loves them and has a plan for their life that means freedom from all such bondage.

7. What is your intention with this movie? Why "mess" with a Bible story? Won't the message of Hosea be lost?
The message of Hosea will not be missed, nor will it be replaced. The message of Hosea is God's Holy Word. Our modern day adaptation is not God's Holy Word, nor is there an attempt on our part to replace it. The idea is to introduce this story to a culture and time that needs to hear it... to present this: "what if this happened in today's culture and time?" All of this is to get people to think about some things... to examine their own hearts and realize the extent of God's love for the unloveable... Yes, the story of Hosea is an illustration of God's love for Israel... so, too, this story is an illustration... a far weaker one at that. But again, the idea is not to replace, but to introduce. How many people will now pick up their Bibles and wipe the dust off and look in the index for this story... and then actually read it? I pray that it's in the millions... because this story needs to be re-introduced to our day and age.

8. Is this story just about sex?
This story is not about sex. Not at all... to reduce it to that would be to miss the point entirely. But as it was the illustration of Gomer's falling away, so to is it for the character in this story. This story is therefore not about sex, but love, grace, and redemption.

Will there be people that think this is all about sex? Maybe. But these would be cut from the same religious spirit that thought the same of Hosea marrying Gomer in their day... the spiritual forefathers to the Pharisees - the religious elite of Jesus' day - who in turn fathered the same religious/works oriented "faith" demon-strated today - shrouded and made up to appear like "Christianity." And they, too, will miss the point. What point? Let's hear from God:

Hosea 6.6:
"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings."

Matthew 9.13
"But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

-- To all of you sinners like me:  thanks for taking the time to read all of this.. Can't wait to meet many of you! Please be in prayer, guys! Let's pray this message reaches a new generation...

David Cowan
Pastor: Elevation Church
elevationchurch.tv
info@elevationchurch.tv
myspace.com/elevationchurchtv
myspace.com/dccowan
forum: elevationchurch.tv/forum

This has to be the most thorough sermon I have ever heard on sexual sin!  If it is something that you are struggling with I highly recommend listening or watching the video.

This message is by Pastor Mark Driscoll of the Mars Hill Church.

http://www.marshillchurch.org/sermonseries/religionsaves/week_05.aspx

The truth sometimes hurts.

I seem to not have a filter in my blogs to many but I assure you, I do.  My mind holds many more haunting memories than the ones I have shared so openly.  There are writings on my computer that no one will ever read until the day I die.  I do not live in my past but I have learned much wisdom through it.  If I were to erase those memories I think I may fall back into the same mistakes.  I have a heart that has been broken so many times but through Christ's redemption has been made whole.  The periods of darkness and sin have only served to show me the depth's of His love.  I experience His love so radiantly.  It's the love of a Father who will never leave or forsake me.  It is the love I have been searching for all of my life.

Many people ask me why did I go into porn?  I wouldn't even know where to start answering this question.  Take a broken girl searching for love and acceptance and mix it with glamour, attention I never had, and the ability to take care of myself and I think you have the perfect concoction.  Does that brief answer really satisfy your inquisitive mind?  I know it wouldn't have mine.  I would be curious what circumstances led up to someone making a choice to let themselves be exploited in such a way.  I am very curious.  I guess that is why I write with myself as the audience.  I have nothing to hide.  I have nothing to be ashamed of because my sin has been washed away by Christ's blood.  The sin might forever be there for everyone to witness because what I did was not behind closed doors but it does not forever dictate who I am.  I did become who I am though through my experiences.  I hope that somehow my sacrifice of sharing my life can help another lonely girl looking for answers from going down the same path of destruction.  That is my one hope. 

I have nothing to gain by sharing my life.  I will only face more adversary than most because of it even rejection by people I love.  I am sure girls who are still living in the business can relate to what I have spoken about.  You see, while I may not have been the most hardcore of actresses… I think I still suffered the same kind of pain.  Pains of the heart are the worst kind.  I know what they feel.  Sure, there will be the random girls who will say they are emotionally healthy… I lived that lie for a long time.  I justified what I was doing by the happiness the material things were giving me and the attention I was getting.  The thing is I never could have enough.  I always wanted more clothes or makeup so I could feel prettier but yet I never felt pretty enough.  The core of my soul did not feel pretty at all.  I felt used up.  I felt like all I was seen as was someone to be used for another's sexual pleasure.  I think most sexually active single people have experienced a one night stand.  Yeah, that is the feeling spread out over 6 long years.  In the midst of it I still searched for a man to quench the inner thirst in my being for my deepest desire… love. 

Many of the girls in the business have what is in the porn business referred to as "suitcase pimps".  That is a boyfriend who comes along and basically acts as a parasite feeding off of the girl for his own free ride.  The girl retreats to drugs to get through the scenes and then comes home to him because it is the closest thing to love she has.  He can't go anywhere because she is taking care of all his bills and on the flip side she needs to have something that is constant to maintain sanity to some degree.   She can't deal with the pain in her heart alone. 

I have heard many stories from the business like this one.  A girl gets pregnant and is so succumbed to drug addiction that all she wants is to kill the baby inside of her.  A girl tries to kill herself by locking herself in the trunk of her car.  A girl sleeps in her own vomit and bowl movement because she is so high on drugs.  A girl has been sexually abused and pimped out even by her own father that she has lost all self worth.  A girl is rolling on the drug ecstacy in a scene and as her eyes roll back no one stops the scene.  A girl is popping pills left and right so she can even sleep at night.  A girl is escorting on the side because people in the business say she can make $40,000 in a weekend after she is done dancing all week.  Do you really think these girls are happy?  Porn might not have been the catapult but it most certainly keeps her enslaved.  It's too hard to find true love when you are in porn.  They are viewed as unintelligent by most people even if that is far from the case because all people see is their actions and never their mind.  They have to work harder to prove their worth to a man.  They give up on men because it's easier to deal with by saying you are strong and don't need them anyway.  They start to hate everything about men.  These are situations I know to be true.  Do you think they are happy?  What if this was the story of your daughter?

Yeah, the truth hurts sometimes.  Life hurts.  I hope and pray for the sake of these beautiful women that they can muster the strength in themselves to break out of the chains.  All the cameras flashing away at the conventions doesn't prove your worth.  You are worth so much more than that beautiful girl.  Believe me. 

I am just another girl who has been through it.  Picking up all the broken pieces is not easy.  I find my strength in Christ and I have to tell you I have never felt better in my life.  I know what happiness is and I know what love is through Him.  My heart has been changed and it is not impossible to start all over again.   He is a God of second chances. 

Psalm 147.3   He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.

Luke 7.47   Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

Matthew 11:28   Come to me, all who are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

The room was cold and the music was loud with the darkest lyrics I have ever heard.  He meticulously bound my arms together and tied them from the ceiling.  He tied my right leg from another rope that extended from the ceiling.  I stood there on my left foot in the highest arched high heels I have ever worn slightly leaning forward and held up by the ropes from the ceiling.  I was so tightly bound that I felt a slight tingle in every limb.  He told me the vision he had in his mind of the images he was trying to create.  He then grabbed the ball gag and popped it into my mouth and buckled it behind my head.  He touched my chin with his finger and told me I looked good with a ballgag in my mouth.  He walked away to grab his camera and adjust the lights then said the words I will never forget "Okay, struggle".  I felt the darkness envelope me.  The music was amplified and the darkness began to feel good.  I turned my conscious off.  I closed my eyes and began to whimper while with each flash of the camera lights I changed position slightly the best I could while balancing on my left foot in my high heel.  I went numb and then began to feel sick yet I could not express it to the photographer except with my eyes.  I was in a panic.  He sensed it took the gag out of my mouth as I vomited all over him and the floor.

It was a new experience for me and he was the first to shoot it.  He later became my friend and a confidant.  I saw the softer side of him that not many saw.  I found out later that he too was in bondage, a different kind of bondage. But I didn't realize it until it was too late.  He ended up in jail and hung himself with his bed sheet.  I never even got to say goodbye.  It was on my birthday.  Crystal meth had slowly destroyed my friend.

I don't know why but today these memories flooded my head.  I felt the need to write them down right away.  I was in bondage of so many different types.  I was abused by a boyfriend physically, mentally, and sexually.  I was sucked in by the glamour and money and was in total bondage to sin.  The restraints were so tight and my life was just dwindling away.  My spirit slowly submitted over the years and I thought that God didn't love me.  I thought he had begun to hate me.  Satan had such a hold over my life and I began to believe the lies in my head.  I lost the drive to make my life better and I felt isolated and alone.  Satan wants us to be alone.  He tries to isolate us so he can destroy us.  He twists and manipulates us into thinking evil is good.

I guess I have just come to realize just how tricky Satan can be.  He gets a grip on us and he just doesn't let go.  The only thing that can save us is Christ.  God had so much mercy on us that He sent His Son to be crucified on the cross for our sins.  He loved us just that much.  He never created me to be in porn.  That was my own disobedience.  He has a better purpose for my life and I am just now starting to see that.         

He has a better purpose for you, too.  He is just waiting for you to receive Him.  You don't have to be in bondage.  You can be free.  It doesn't matter if you are in porn or a porn addict or a drug addict.  Sin is sin and Christ has already paid the price.  All you have to do is accept it, repent, and turn away from the sin.  Turn to Him.

It says in His Word: 

John 8.36  So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

Rom 8:1  THERE is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.

Free.

No more bondage.

Only you can make the choice.

Realize that God loves you... so much so that He sent His one and only Son into the world. He is not a God from afar off... He is a God (the only God) as close as a brother. He knows what its like to suffer loss. He knows what it's like to bleed. He knows what it's like to be betrayed. He understands what life (and death) is like on earth.  Because of that, consider what He says about Himself. Jesus says He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life - we can only come to God through Him. (John 14.6) so... Turn to God, Turn away from old lifestyle - Trust in Jesus: His Teachings, His death on the cross, His resurrection conquering death and our sins (shortcomings) -  and He will give you Life. He will undo your chains and set you FREE!

She quit porn industry and turned to Christ

By RACHEL DAVIS and KONRAD ....MARSHALL...., The Times-Union....

....

Their addictions hurt themselves, loved ones

By RACHEL DAVIS and KONRAD MARSHALL, The Times-Union

An innocuous search on the Internet prompted flashing ad banners that excited and enticed. Paul Cook was drawn to the nude photos that promised something new and stimulating, something he'd not seen in his 20 years of pornography addiction.

For Cook, it began in grade school with dirty magazines. When he joined the Navy, it became videos. With the growth of online pornography, it became his home computer.

He waited until his wife was at school or asleep before venturing onto Web sites offering free porn. He couldn't get away from it. He couldn't keep himself from clicking the links to get his fix.

"It's like a drug. You get that rush of excitement and adrenaline and you keep going back for more," Cook said.  

At work, he thought about it. Driving home, he thought about it. He couldn't escape it, couldn't stop thinking about the next time he'd get to log on.

The number of people who struggle with sex addiction differs depending on which expert you ask. Some say one in 10, others place the number closer to one in four, said Lisa Angel, a Ponte Vedra Beach marriage and family counselor who specializes in sex addiction and identity.

While exact numbers are unknown, the demographics of struggling sex addicts stretch the spectrum.

"It crosses all barriers and ages and cultures," Angel said. She sees teenagers, white-collar businessmen and even women. While the $13 billion pornography industry is traditionally dominated by men, more and more women with pornography, cybersex and relationship addictions are seeking help.

When Jerry Sinclair's boss confronted him about an extramarital affair rooted in his addiction to pornography, he didn't deny it. He was a minister and it wasn't his nature to lie. Although lying is exactly what he'd been doing for decades.

Sinclair had been married for 24 years. He had one grown daughter and a 5-month-old grandson. But for nearly that long he'd fed an addiction that dictated his secret life with prostitutes and other anonymous women.

The day he was fired, Sinclair called for his wife, Susan, to meet him at their pastor's office. He would tell her the secret that would break her heart.

"It was humiliating," she said. "You feel stupid that you could live with somebody and he's such a liar and you had no clue."

Her shock turned to hurt, which melded into anger. She decided to stay, but forgiveness and regaining decades of trust wouldn't happen overnight.

"I had to see a big change, because I didn't trust him," Susan said.

They didn't celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary that year.

"We just tolerated it," he said.

Cook kept his secret addiction from his wife, his friends and his church group.

He began to desire his computer more than his wife. He wasn't sleeping. He couldn't get rid of the guilt.

"[It's] always there," he said. "Some are able to suppress it better than others. But afterwards you feel like you were looking at trash, and it's true."

 After 20 years, the addiction became too much. Cook, a religious man, said he asked God to help him. Although temptation is still a struggle, Cook said he found the strength to resist his online tendencies.

"A lot of people don't have that experience," he said. "Overnight . . . I knew something was different."

He eventually told his wife, and like Sinclair, had to rebuild her shattered trust. He also had to reconnect physically with his wife. While his energy had been directed toward women on the Internet, reconnecting his "sexual wires" for his wife was a transition they both endured.

"It did take awhile to re-bond emotionally and physically with my wife," he said.

Together they built Porn-Free.org, an online information portal for Internet porn addicts. Cook hoped to snare others who, like him, scoured the web for "free porn."

It began slowly, with about 400 hits per week and has steadily grown over the past eight years to more than 600,000 to 700,000 hits each month.

He's not alone in his quest to help others overcome pornography's pull.

For more than a decade now, Sinclair has served as the regional facilitator for Faithful and True of Jacksonville Inc. He may have lost his ministry, but Sinclair regained his life after he began reaching out to others with sexual addictions.

His wife, Susan, facilitates a support group for the wives of porn addicts.

Porn nearby

By The Times-Union

The consumption of pornography is all around us, judging from the magazines for sale at gas stations, to the adult-themed boutiques in strip malls throughout the city, to the pay-per-view options and cable channels we can beam in through our television sets, to the pop-ups and junk e-mails we seem unable to avoid on our computers.

But with technological advances in online networking and file-sharing, porn has reached a point where the production is all around us, too, from professional production companies to amateur dabblers. And law enforcement is hesitant to step in as the community becomes more accepting and prosecutors fear losing a case that might set a precedent for even more liberal standards.

Though amateur porn has been a force for at least a decade, the number of movies being shot by your neighbors has grown dramatically. PornoTube, regarded as one of the top three amateur sites, has seen a 34 percent month-to-month increase in uploads since its creation in June 2006.

..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Florida ranks fourth in uploading and viewing adult content on one of the other top sites, XTube.com, and Jacksonville alone had more than 90,000 visitors contributing to and/or using the site in the past 30 days. Girls Gone Wild has visited the area at least twice in 2007, trawling for young women willing to bare their bodies - and finding them.

Eric Nelson, of Florida Beach Guy Enterprises and Beach Models in St. Augustine, has been producing adult movies and pictures for a string of his own Web sites since 1994, drawing female "models" from locales as different as Palatka and Ponte Vedra Beach, enticing the various women to have sex with him and sign "profit sharing" agreements.

For a few hundred dollars, one Callahan-based company will allow you to have sex with one of its "models" while the act is filmed. Or you can merely join the Web site for access to the images and movies they create. ("Do your part," their Web site teaser urges. "Feed a local porn star for only pennies a day.")

Stephanie Buehler, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist from Irvine, Calif., said social mores today afford women more permissive attitudes about being videotaped. Music videos have in many cases become soft pornography. Television programs - and not just late night ones - regularly engage in sex scenes or sex talk. Exhibitionism is no longer perverse but celebrated, with YouTube, MySpace and Facebook leading the charge.  

"There is a never-ending supply of girls who are willing to bare it all for 15 minutes and a paycheck," said Stephen Yagielowicz, a senior editor with Xbiz.com, an adult entertainment news site billing itself as "The Industry Source" - or, as Yagielowicz likes to call it, "the CNN of porn." "They break down the doors to do it. And Florida is a particularly bountiful spot."

Lawrence Walters, a first amendment attorney in Altamonte Springs who has represented Floridian porn producers for more than a decade, said the state's climate encourages people to take care of their bodies, and to display them. Florida, he said, has become a preferred location in the industry, second only to California.

"It's really growing here, and it doesn't take much to get one of these operations up and running," Walters said. "All you need is a camera and a computer, and two willing participants."

From a legal point of view, said Walters, Florida is an interesting set of regional microcosms, with the majority of production going on in the southern part of the state, and the majority of cases against pornographers going on in the north.

"In the north, there's this industry that's developing, but they butt heads with the conservative forces in the area who expect to see obscenity prosecutions," he said. "Nobody bothers them down south, because standards are more liberal."

The most prominent example of this gulf in community standards is the Pensacola case against Clinton McCowen's business, Ray Guhn Productions, with charges filed including engaging in prostitution, and the manufacture and sale of obscene material.

But overall, obscenity prosecutions have gone down dramatically in North Florida and elsewhere when compared with the years preceding the mid-'90s. The advent of the Internet, and especially high-speed connections, flooded consumers with available pornography and created a new, de facto national standard, according to First Amendment attorney Gary Edinger of Gainesville. That overrode the letter-of-the-law community standard vital to the definition established by the Supreme Court, a change that was especially acute in a more conservative community such as Jacksonville.

Lt. Mike Gwynes, a commanding officer in the vice unit at the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office, said obscenity cases in adult porn are only investigated when reports are made, and that complaints are not made often.

"There are so many constitutional protections, it's extremely difficult to prosecute," Gwynes said. "It really has to go way outside society's norms to come up to the level of criminal."

As far as potential prostitution prosecutions go, it is unclear whether porn producers such as Nelson, or the Callahan company - JaxVids - can be charged.

 In the case of JaxVids, customers can pay to have sex with a company model on tape, among other services such as nude massages. In Nelson's production model, women sign an agreement to produce adult content with Nelson, through intercourse and other activities, at which point the material is loaded to a Web site and sold to surfers online. In both cases, the justification offered is that the money is for content production, not sex.

"It's something we're looking at," Gwynes said. "We have had reports of this kind of thing going on. We still believe it's prostitution."

In the end, a state attorney would have to determine whether or not to pursue an individual. Spokesmen said that State Attorneys Harry Shorstein and John Tanner would comment only if there were charges pending against someone in such a case.

Walters said he believes prosecutors prefer a comfortably vague detente, where no one is sure whether prostitution laws apply. If the prosecutors were to lose, he said, the precedent could turn an area of Florida into a new national epicenter of porn production, the next San Fernando Valley, teeming with Web masters searching for new "talent" to exploit online.

Nelson said his sites receive between 20,000 and 30,000 hits per day, and that enough of those hits turn into paid memberships to make his venture profitable, no matter what the risk of prosecution (which he views as negligible).

"Most people have a misconception of the porn industry that we're a bunch of perverts," Nelson said. "We're not. We're a bunch of technically advanced people that are into money."

I left porn on October 6, 2006.  I did not receive another dime from my website.  I had a contract with a company to run my website and they refused to take it down.  They have exploited the fact that I am now a Christian.  I have seen website affiliates mock me and my change.  I even saw a nude picture of myself with photoshopped pictures of Jesus' face covering my breasts.  The old website continues to run because I cannot afford a lawyer.  I get so upset every time I get an email from another Christian accusing me of profiting.  I also worked for many companies who own the rights to my photos.  You see in the porn business they make sure you sign a model release that says that once they pay you your modeling fee they own the photos.  It's all a way to protect themselves in case the girls change their minds or in my case give their lives over to Christ. 

I struggle daily with my past mistakes not because I feel condemned because I know there is no condemnation in Christ,  but because I worry that my past will lead others down the wrong path.  It causes me so much grief to think that other young women might see my past and be persuaded to get involved in porn or to think that my old images are fuel to someone addicted to porn.

 Two months after leaving porn I went completely broke and lost my vehicle.  I still had to pay rent and bills and God provided for me in this time.  I took out my hair extensions and lost the fake nails.  No more spa, no more gym membership, no more restaurants.  It was hard to leave all the luxuries behind but I still continued in my pursuit of God.  I began to attend church regularly twice a week, went on a retreat with my church, met with my pastor and my mentor.  I went through much anxiety about not having any money.  I broke out in hives over and over, got very little sleep, and gained a little weight.  A spiritual war began as I suffered nightmares almost every night and had to learn to take control of it.  Greater is the one who is within me than the one who is of this world!  God used that time of anxiety to strengthen my dependence on him.  Slowly my anxiety diminished more and more.  I still deal with some but not nearly how I did months ago!

January 2, 2007, I began working in a law office as a receptionist and making just enough money to pay my bills.  At the same time I was dealing with a lot of my issues from my past - past abortions, abuse, anger, and depression (which is why I haven't blogged much since then.)  It has been quite the rollercoaster.   Just learning how to be responsible and disciplined to get up and go to a regular job every day has been difficult!

I have been going through Christian therapy and have finally found one I really like.  I am excited about seeing her and even though she is just now coming in to my life I look forward to my time with her each week. 

 I went through a few roommates and found one of my new best friends, Daphne in the process.  She told me she needed to move out on July 1^st to go back to Texas to be with her grandfather.  I was sad that she was leaving but she had a lot of her own struggles she was dealing with and needed peace in her life.

To make things worse I lost my job on June 12^th. 

They hired my replacement, I trained her for 2 days and in the middle of the second day they fired me.  I was told I was not a good match with the firm.  I was already thinking ahead before I was fired and looking for a new job.  The firm I was working in was a criminal defense firm and while they mainly handled DUI's they had just begun new marketing to take on more domestic violence cases.  They started sending booklets out to the jails to get more clients.  With me being a victim of abuse, I have very strong feelings about defending people who are guilty of abuse.  I know that not everyone who is arrested for it is guilty but I felt convicted about working in a firm that would defend some criminals. 

 It has been four weeks since I lost my job.  I only have the change left in my purse right now.  Bill collectors are calling.  I just moved in with a new roommate and thank God I saved enough before I lost my job to pay my July rent.  My new roommate, Roseanne is loving and full of grace.  I am so blessed to have met her.  I joined her small group with the church and it is filled with strong Christian women.   

Jared and I have just finished a 7 week premarital class through one of the churches we attend.  It was simply amazing and has allowed us to grow even closer together as a couple.  No, we are not engaged – YET.  We are still waiting on God's timing and know that we will be blessed for doing so.

I have sent my resume out to non-profits who help young women and girls who are at risk, along with some brief background.  I really have a passion to be involved in helping others.  There is nothing I want more.  I have also sent my resume out to other places such as churches, medical offices, and law firms.  I have had three interviews and even applied at a temp agency.  No doors have opened as of yet but I know my God will provide and when he is ready the right door will open. 

Next week I plan to get an application for college.  I will also being calling a mission in Jerusalem to find out more on how I can get involved.  They have an amazing mission that walks alongside Muslim children and mothers as they bring the children to Jerusalem for heart surgery.  I feel that God may be calling me to serve.

Please pray for me to have wisdom and discernment.  Even through all of this, this has been the most exciting time of my life.  I am entering a new season in my walk with the Lord and with that will come new struggles, more chances for growth and more chances to see God's blessings in my life!