My boy Scot and I were watching football tonight and we noticed that college cheerleaders are a lot hotter than pro cheerleaders. why is this?

i think i know why.
in college, it's still just a fun cute thing to be a cheerleader. like it is in high school.
it's like joining a club or a sport or a sorority. it's a fun group that hot girls who like to jump choose to be a part of. while still being college students.

but when you decide to make it your career, it's kinda like becoming a stripper.
you're making your money showing off your body. and generally speaking, those aren't the hottest girls in the world. don't get me wrong, they're attractive.
but in college there's a good chance the hottest girl in school may be a cheerleader.
but the chances the hottest girl in town cheers for the Raiders for a living? zero.

plus, and this point may be obvious, college cheerleaders are younger.

maybe that's why pro cheerleaders don't do any tricks, or throw each other in the air like they used to. they could break a hip.

GLEIBLOG 3:16AM

I just received a myspace message asking for advice on entering the comedy world. In fact I get questions like this quite a lot. So I decided to post both the question, and my response, below.

(fyi, this is real advice, and not funny, so only read on if you are feeling real and boring.)

----------------- Original Message -----------------
Date: Jul 31, 2006 4:31 PM

For someone looking to make people laugh for a living, what's ONE piece of advice that you wish you were told when you first started your career?

Much appreciated!

---------my response-------------

i'll give you two.

if you believe you have the talent, you must ignore any results you don't like, or when the world says no, and just continue on until it says yes.
but you must also keep an honest, humble eye on it, and be willing to alter paths if you don't truly believe it will work out, or if you lose the true passion for it. but if you know you can make it, don't let anyone tell you any different. BUT you must be willing to WORK! Hard too. You must be willing to work at comedy like it is the most serious labor of your life. because it will become precisely that, your life's work. so make sure you give it your all. because if you ever don't succeed because of a flagrant lack of effort, then you were not really meant to succeed. you must at the end of the day be able to say, "i gave it may all." because if you didn't, then you'll know you didn't. and that is what will hurt. comedy is not a career to goof off in. it is just incredibly fun subject matter to get to work very hard in. just like any other job. i sold a pilot to fox back in november, that was the culmination of a lifelong dream and an awful lot of hard work. and we were supposed to start shooting it soon. it is the big news i had been alluding to in these blogs, that i guess i never officially announced until now. well i just found out a few days ago that the network passed on it. we hope to be able to try and make it elsewhere, but the point is that it didn't faze me for more than half an evening. (you should always allow yourself about half an evening to feel sad, because it lets you know you still care. more than half an evening, you're starting to feel sorry or yourself, and that's really not the best way to feel good about yourself. i can tell you that much.) but you have to realize that just because something isn't meant to be at the moment, doesn't mean it is not meant to be. and your goals may shift and your life may go down a slightly different path than you had been envisioning. But if one piece of news, no matter how bad it seems, deters you from your goals, THEN perhaps you should think it's not meant to be.


second, write everything down. every great idea or funny line or bit that you have, at that very moment of inspiration, write it down. stop whatever you're doing and write that shit down. because it will be very hard to ever get it back again quite the same way, as simply and as beautifully as you first conceived of it. plus it will make you way more productive and prolific. just be much better than me at bringing that stuff to the stage, or using it in some form that actually makes people laugh, as soon as you can. (and never, ever squash creativity. it's something that you must let flow when the moment strikes. whether it's initiated by you, or your writing partner, or scene partner, or audience member, or whoever!)

follow those two bits of advice, and you will go as far as you truly desire.

oh, okay, a third thing, learn patience. i never had it starting up, and it drove me nuts. because i knew i could make it, i felt it should all happen immediately. and i have learned that to truly want it, you must be wise enough to build it at whatever pace the universe allows, and not rush for the sake of rushing. it is a long road. jim carrey once told me when i met him and told him i was an aspiring comedian to "expect to give it twenty years." then he offered me good luck. i didn't like the response at the time. but i now know what he meant. obviously it could take less time, and often does. but it might take more time, and often does. and if you can't accept that fact, then maybe it's not for you. no one starts any job, and expects to become CEO within five years. it's the same exact principle.

(is it obvious yet that one of my old jobs was being a motivational speaker? it's true. i was.)

and my last ONE piece of advice is this. always speak your mind. and hold true to your vision and what you believe. do not compromise on anything that you know in your heart needs to be a certain way. speak your mind and be honest! a lot of people will react strangely to this. (they don't see it often.) but do it anyway. eventually, the people around you will be people you can trust and that can trust you. whether that is your friends, your coworkers, or your fan base. (and hopefully all three.)

that's the only piece of advice i could come up with.

good luck.

ben gleib

I suddenly wanted to write a blog right now. But Im hanging out with my buddy Zumock, and I dont wanna be rude. So I said he could chime in whenever he wants.

ZUMOCK: Hey everyone. Im not sure what Gleibs trying to do.

GLEIB: Good start Zumock. Witty. But I think were about to find out what Gleibs trying to do. And what are you trying to do then if youre so smart?

ZUMOCK: Im just hanging out man.

GLEIB: Thats what I thought. But what are you complaining? We werent doing shit anyway. Sitting around the house, talking about girls, the internet, the worsening situation with the Isrealis conflict with Hezbollah, Porn, usual shit. Whats so weird about writing it down?

ZUMOCK: Nothing I guess. Its just kind of strange since were sitting 2 ft. away from each other. We can just talk about it and be done with it.

GLEIB: Yeah but then people couldnt add comments.

ZUMOCK: True. Then lets make it an open forum. Lets bring up topics and comment on them. First topic. Who are your comedic influences?

GLEIB: I dont remember giving you permission to change this blog into an open forum! Holy shit! A second ago you were confused, now youre Barbara Walters suddenly.

ZUMOCK: ANSWER THE QUESTION!!!!

GLEIB: Alright calm down. My comedic influences? George Carlin. Johnny Carson, Rich Little, Eddie Murphy, Chevy Chase in Fletch, Bob and David, George W. Bush, Ernest Borgnine, Melissa Rivers, Alf, Chucky Johnson, People, womens golf, Elephants, Elizabeth Taylor, Bridges, Stone Phillips, Geraldos moustache, whoevers Pope, Stevan Segall, Prince, Tony Robbins, and of course, Wesley Snipes.

ZUMOCK: Ernest Brognine? What about Jan-Michael Vincent? They were both in Airwolf you know? They were kind of like a duo, like you and me. Were kind of like all the great duos. Starsky & Hutch, Bo & Luke, Crocket & Tubbs, Hawk & Animal, Jordan & Pippen, Cagney & Lacey, Maverick & Goose, Arm & Hammer.

GLEIB: Its Borgnine. I enjoyed the work of Ernest Brognine too, but I wouldnt call him an influence. (For the record, I am being sarcastic. There is no Ernest Brognine. Zumock made a typo, but it bothered me, because he's dissing one of my idols. Also, for the record, I am giving no response to the duo idea.)

ZUMOCK: Do you know Ernest Borgnine won an emmy? For a movie called Marty(without looking at IMDB)
GLEIB: OF COURSE I KNOW THAT! HES ONE OF MY FUCKING INFLUENCES! IT WOULD BE PRETTY STUPID TO CITE HIM AS AN INFLUENCE AND NOT KNOW THAT!!! SO OBVIOUSLY I KNOW THAT!!!
(For the record, I did not know that.)

ZUMOCK: Sorry man. Didnt mean to come at you like that. Borgnine aside, its 1:30am in the morning an d we need to figure out something to do besides write this blog. Dont you have any girls numbers that we can call? I mean, youre BEN GEIB man. Whats up?

GLEIB: Its Gleib, not Geib. That typo hurts almost as much as the Borgnine one. And I just went through my phone. And no. I mean yes, but no. Not at one thirty. And not with you here. I mean how would that go? "Hey I know I havent talked to you in a long time, but I wanted to know if you wanted to come over and kick it? Oh, and bring a girl for Zumock too." Im not Bert Reynolds.

ZUMOCK: Burt Reynolds is spelled wrong. Its Burt. Now youve insulted me.

GLEIB: Good. Now you see what it feels like. It doesnt feel so good, does it?

ZUMOCK: Are you really gonna post this?

GLEIB: I doubt it.

gleib blog 5:07am

a while. blogging hasn't been my highest priority of late.
life had actually stepped up in its place.
sorry bout that. but i'm back.
this blog probly won't be funny. so if laughs are your goal, i dunno maybe read one of the old blogs, or everybody loves raymond.

saw superman tonight, kinda sucked. was on playboy radio on sirius at 6am today. stayed up for it, after my buddy shane's going away party, a strip club for the first time in 3 years, and mel's diner for the 80th time in 9 months.

we are also engaged in a costly war in iraq (and afghanistan, in parenthesis because no one cares about that one) and i am pretty against it, and most days would tell you i think the administration is commiting crimes in the way it has and is being run, and that democracy by force is a stupid idea, and that it will only backfire on us from a world that is forgetting how america has generally been on the morally upright side of world politics, and that truly in the end we are a force for good, but are becoming hated by a lot of the globe for taking unilateral actions without consulting the people we share the planet with.

but then again, what if the world community is too tangled and bureacratic to ever undo these oppresive backwards antiquated corrupt morally and simply wrong governments and ideologies from existing in the world, and that these actions could one day prevent potentially catastrophic consequences on this planet?

and maybe taking action is all we can do, and if the pattern of the world is for nations to become imperialistic and spread their message across the globe, then why not one of honest and free principles that any human in its most natural form would want for their individual lives? why shouldn' that nation try to influence the world in essence with the hopeful result of world peace?

and perhaps these actions will backfire, and that will be catastrophic anyway for the state of the world, but then maybe one day the globe will finally get over its bitter differences and oppressive philosophies, and finally be able to achieve some sort of lasting peace on earth. and maybe the enormous price, while shitty for us, will have been worth it.

or maybe it will all chill out before too large a price has to be paid.
that would be nice.

yet through all this we still mostly focus on our day to day. our immediate outcomes. ourselves, as though all that matters is what will happen one minute from now.

and not even that.

i am more interested in interpersonal relationships, and international politics, and quantum physics, and the great potentials for humankind.


yet i also masterbated three times yesterday.

three.

and there is genocide in the darfur region of the sudan right now.
and i don't know anything about it.

i do know that adam sandler's "click" had a big opening weekend at the box office.
and that star jones is leaving the view.

a show that i have never once watched.

we are living in a very complex world right now. a scary world to be honest.
one on the brink of a lot of things. important things that will greatly affect the future.

yet we mostly choose to tune it out. to not care two shits about it until it affects us directly.
which is pretty stupid if you think about it because if we did something about things before they directly affected us we could save ourselves a lot of heartache. a lot of problems. a lot of bullshit.

but people have trouble. great trouble seeing things long term.
anticipating outcomes.
we are a knee jerk society
and generally an uneducated (about what really matters) and uninterested society.

we care about oil only becase it costs us a lot right now per gallon and we sish it was less.
but we really don't want to explore how we can become less addicted to oil, or that the world's supply of it is running out in very short order.

but maybe, since the dichotomy of this all is clearly inherent in this entry, maybe that is okay afterall.
maybe it is too tangled or complex to get involved in and the best choice is just to stay immersed in the day to day of our own lives.
and even if we can reach out, maybe it is best to make the most of our time to get closer to our family and friends, and become more personally and meaningfully fulfilled.
not to create discord and frustration over issues that likely will not really be resloved or fixed in our lifetimes anyway.

who knows?

if someone has thoughts on it, i'd love to hear them.

but i do know one thing. i'm tired of people giving me shit for driving an SUV.
people who don't really get educated facts or try to change anything tell me i'm an asshole
for driving one, because it gets bad gas mileage.
really??? you're cool because you drive a regular size car that gets 30 miles a gallon, but i'm an asshole because my car gets 22. I'm the problem!?
Until you drive around on a bicycle, or walk everywhere, and just deal with not being able to traverse long distances, don't tell me i'm a jerk because my gas guzzling environment hurting vehicle guzzles slightly more gas than your gas guzzling environment hurting vehicle that is also less spacious and less able to carry things. i know it's a lot more complicated than an issue of gas mileage.

as for the rest of it?

i just don't know.
i do know that i'd like to at least be part of the conversation.

alright my friends.

goodnight.

GLEIBLOG
12:58am

On Tuesday I co-headlined at the irvine improv with jeff richards. i was trying to make a dvd that night. but we didn't plan it right, and i don't think we got what we needed. but i did 35 minutes and had a good set.

at the end of the show i was talking to a buddy of mine, and these three drunk blonde girls that were talking all show long came up to me, and one of them asked me if i'd mind taking a picture.

this was not the first time this has happened to me, and i was flattered.

"i'd be happy to" i said. and smoothly excused myself from the conversation i was having to pose with a couple fans.

then she handed me her camera.

i took a picture for them, returned the camera, and quickly turned back around to find my friend.

but he was gone.

GLEIBLOG
5:13pm

This following took place about five months ago, but I am only ready to open up about it now.

I am a comedian. I, like most in my field I would imagine, aspire to the very top.
And like any person with respect for the field, I admire those who have already reached this peak. I've worked with Chappelle. It was a thrill. I even know Steve Hofstetter.

But one of my favorite tv shows of all time is Seinfeld. And Jerry Seinfeld is undeniably an icon. One of the most successful sitcoms ever, maybe the funniest, and a truly hilarious and prolfic standup. And about five months ago, he was at the Improv the same night I was.

I arrived at the club on a Wednesday night, like I often do, ready to perform, not much else on my mind. And then someone approached me. "Gleib, Seinfeld was here. He just left!" "He just left? Where did he go? TELL ME NOW, WHICH WAY DID HE GO?!"
I was like a cop finally closing in on a serial killer.
Only funnier.

"Across the street" he replied.
I darted out the club. Ditching the melrose traffic, and approaching Jerry Seinfeld just as he was getting into his Porshe. I was so excited, I think I startled him.
Then I told him I was a comic, and he seemed 10 percent more relaxed. I eagerly put out my hand to shake his, but all he gave me was a fist.
I asked him if he wanted to perform on the show. He said he had to go home.
I told him that I was working on a project (details of which are still soon to come, I swear)
and that we were watching a lot of Seinfeld episodes and audio commentaries for tips and wisdom. He seemed pleased by this, and offered his congratulations and good luck.
Which I was happy to accept. I don't think a little Seinfeld luck is something you wanna turn down.
And then, sensing our interaction was coming to a close, I decided to cross the street and get back to work. But I was buzzing with excitement, and was still looking at Seinfeld when I began to cross.
AND A CAR WAS SPEEDING RIGHT AT ME!
Seinfeld screamed in that voice Seinfeld does when he is screaming, "LOOK OUT!"
and without hesitating reached out, grabbed my arm, and pulled me out of harm's way!
At that exact moment I saw and felt a car buzz right by my body.

Jerry Seinfeld had just saved my life.

He told me to take care of myself, and I crossed the street. This time looking both ways.

3:22am

I don't go out much these days.
I'm workin on a quite special project to me, more details of which are on the way,
and so I write and rewrite all the flippin time.
And I write and perform standup when I'm not writing that project.
And I have a girlfriend who I like to spend time with whenever I am not working.
And I try to squeeze in enough poker to lose a healthy amount each month.
And I try to play basketball 1-2 times a week so that I am not labeled clinically dead.
And I of course have to make time to watch 24!
(I don't know how much I like it, but I have to watch.)
Plus, I even spend a tiny to large amount of time paying bills, being on myspace, and eating 5 meals a day.

Point is, I'm not clubbin' much.
I haven't been out to a watering hole other than the improv bar in months.

But last night, DAMNIT, I WAS DETERMINED TO GET MY CLUB ON!!!!!!!!!
It was my friends birthday, she was in stuff magazine once, it was at the hot club of the moment "The Lobby" in west hollywood, and the invite was a cool email with a flyer of my friend in her bikini, and instructions to call to get on the list.

it seemed too cool. we had to go.
so i got us on the list and rallied the troops.
i even rushed my dope ass girlfriend out of her apartment from a dinner she made for us and 2 of her friends, so we could get there early, to make sure we got in with no problems.

and we were urged to still have a good ratio. which is an odd request for a birthday party, but hell it was The Lobby so i was willing to put up with it.
and somehow i managed a ratio of 5 girls to 4 guys!
i was proud.

we got there at 9:45, and we were asked to stand in a short line on the side of the door.
we were literally only THREE GROUPS BACK!
At the White House you'd get in after about 15 minutes.
But AN HOUR LATER, WE WERE STILL IN LINE, JUST THREE GROUPS BACK!
Then some chick who sad it was her birthday squeezed through all of us, and got in what seemed like 40 of her male friends.
i can deal. it wasn't my birthday.
BUT THEN, WE HAD TO WATCH KRISTEN, JASON, AND ALEX FROM "LAGUNA BEACH" GO RIGHT PAST US INTO THE CLUB!
I respect the birthday girl. BUT FUCK THE CAST OF LAGUNA BEACH!
they're not even fucking 21!!!!!!!
We all got tense.
I went to try to talk our way in, so I left my group in line.
The guy with the spiky hair and clipboard I talked to said the guy who's list we were on DOESN'T PROMOTE THERE ANYMORE!
Come again?
I watch reality stars pass me, and then, an hour later, our name's not even on a list of an actual promoter?
I guess this club is so cool, that there are guys out there pretending to promote for it!
Damn that's hot!

Right at that moment, pissed as can be,
ready to say fuck it and bounce,
MY STUFF MODEL FRIEND ROLLS UP!
In a circle of about 15 scantily clad chicks that just came out of a limo, all looking like they were in Stuff once (or FHM maybe) walks up my friend!
But instead of wishing her happy birthday i was too frustrated, and simply said,
"yo we've been here for an hour, you gotta get us in, i feel like shooting myself in the head!"
those were my words. and i realize they were direct.
and my friend calmly said, "just join the circle, it's all good."
WE WERE IN! WE WERE IN!
THE CLIPBOARD GUY WAVED! THE CLIPBOARD GUY WAVED!
and i turn to my friends in line to drag them in, only for my girlfriend to say we were just kicked out!!! WE WERE JUST KICKED OUT THE SECOND WE FINALLY GOT IN!

It seems in the 3 minutes i was gone talking to mr. spiky clipboard,
my angry asian friend decided to say to the bouncer "go ahead and enjoy your powertrip."
This was suicide. Well, group murder really.
The bouncer, obviously on a powertrip, and obviously not wanting it pointed out,
got pissed, pushed my friend, and kicked us all out.
Let me use an analogy that i don't think overstates it...
We finally reached the Promised Land, and my friend said "FUCK YOU" to God.

Instead of partying at the hottest club of the moment, on my one day out in forever,
we ended up eating at a gay hamburger place, and going back to my apartment, where i drank, smoked, and lost 60 dollars playing horrible drunk stoned poker.
(if only i had thrown in some writing bball and myspace, it woulda been a full week.)

the night was dissappointing to say the least.
mostly cuz i wanted to kick it with the people from laguna beach.

what moral can we take from this?
God's probably on a powertrip too.
But you don't point it out to the man.
Simply cuz you don't wanna get kicked out of his club.


-GLEIB

GLEIBLOG 7:22pm Yes it's true. I got to spend my new year's eve with the one and only multi-millionaire, homemade porno starring, car rubbing, burger eating, hotel heiress ...the lovely miss paris hilton. She was hosting a pretty hard to get into party at Tao nightclub, at the Venetian in Vegas. I so happened to be in Vegas with a party of 11 people. And the ratio was great. Three girls, EIGHT FUCKIN GUYS. wanna see what 8 dudes looks like? But I was hopeful, because Paris Hilton had appeared on the gleib show a couple years back, so I was certain she'd be excited to hear from me, and get us all in. I decided to give her a call. I quickly remembered though that i've never had her phone number. and that she was only on the show because i bombarded her on the streets at sundance with my camera crew, and that she was on the show both briefly and against her will. so PLAN B! I had to call in some hookups, being one of America's favorite young comedians (that no one's heard of.) AND THEY ACTUALLY CAME THROUGH! Tickets were $200, and had been sold out for weeks. But my hookup got all eleven of us into the party!!! (for 150 bucks each.) Because I'm famous. (for getting discounts i guess.) BUT, WE WERE ALSO GONNA BE ABLE TO STROLL UP TO THE CLUB VIP! That means skipping the line, bitches! This is the sea of people we got to save ourselves from... and once we were inside? It was just as fuckin packed! But we were inside. So we were squeezing through people like dope packed vip cows. It was the best. And it was open bar for 2 hours, which was actually the best. I take it back, the best was the amazing trays of free food being passed around, somehow through the hords. I'm talkin sushi, lobster spring rolls, it was delicious! But no matter where I looked I couldn't find Paris Hilton? What could she be doing? Probably. But luckily, one of the 3 girls was with me, so i had someone to share appetizers with. (oh and to kiss at midnight.) I of course had hoped I'd be able to kiss my date, then turn and have sex with Paris Hilton right after, but she was no where to be found. THEN, SUDDENLY... Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, she appeared. On a raised stage-type area, dancing with a bunch of people that were probably hand selected to look hot and whorey, but not too hot and whorey so as to out hot whore Paris herself. And honestly they did a good job. Then somebody handed Paris a wireless mic. (I questioned this judgement call, but it wasn't my party.) So while she was grinding on some scantily clad asian chick, she was saying something about new beginnings or celebrations or some shit. She then probably said something was hot. I don't know. I was drunk. and while paris looked good, 60 feet was about as close as i got to her. and i'm well endowed, but, alas, it was just out of my reach. so i had some more appetizers, then cabbed it back to the stardust, and fell asleep. I know you're probably jealous of what my celebrity status can pull off, but don't worry, maybe one day you'll have a new year's like mine. or you could always just eat a burger while lying on a soapy car. it's what paris did. happy new year everybody!

GLEIBLOG 4:08AM I love when you get to experience the full range of human emotions, all in a row real quick. let me tell you what i did last night. all in a span of 22 minutes! i sat down at my computer. checked email. my buddy sent an online photo album of our new years weekend in vegas. i looked at all the pictures. but seeing all these pictures i was in, well it reminded me of myself. so i opened a new window to log onto my myspace. but the window that came up had a news story about the trapped coal miners. just popped right up. and immediately my attention was drawn to this tragic story. and i read the whole thing. and it was so sad, i mean who wouldn't feel for these people, the families especially. but you can't let every sad story in the news bring you down for too long. so i logged onto myspace. no messages. it's fine. no friend requests either. but whatever. i didn't want to be friends with those people anyway. so i peruse some free porn sites. masterbate. log onto myspace again. still nothing! okay, so i call it a night, and decide to wind down with some reading in bed. you know enough about me. so i pick up us weekly. and the night kinda ended sad again. it looks like nick really broke jessica's heart man. but at least i had a productive night. i mean i did all of this in just 22 minutes! gleib (the moral is, when you sleep in till 2, you gotta have one really productive little streak there to make the day worthwhile. that's probably the most important thing i learned in college.)

GLEIBLOG 3:08am Does Jesus love you if you're Jewish? What about if you're agnostic? What if you're a teenager going through a rebellious phase? Do you have to love Jesus back? I bet when Jesus was a teenager, he rebelled against his dad for a while. What does that mean? I guess that Jesus will still love us even if we rebel for a while. If we are a Jesus worshipping religion. If we are Jews or agnostics or Muslims, well I guess we're back to square one. Plus in this day and age of information and technology, isn't the word "worship" a little demeaning. We're not bored little common people baking in the sun all day, laying mortar and eating crackers, just waiting for the next chance to go "worship," and pray for a better life. We are an evolved advanced species now. we are much smarter than we were 1000, 200, even 100 years ago. What about readjusting the way we look at religion a little huh? Sorry if this is random. Just trying to write something nice for the holidays. Also Jews try to copy Chritsmas a lot for Hanukah, and we don't mask it well either. If we're gonna do it, I say why not go all out? Let's put up stockings. Call 'em Hanukah Pockets. Hope for gifts from a jolly fat guy named Yenta Claus. Leave out soy milk in case Yenta can't digest real milk. Put ornaments all over our "He was originally a Jew Tree." And pray each night, hopng that Jesus loves us. And we should end each prayer saying, "Jesus, I'm a big fan. Especially your early stuff." Merry Holidays everybody. Gleib P.S. And if you believe in something, that's great. Just realize that it is a choice you are making largely based on the family you were born into, your upbringing, and a choice to believe in something to make life on earth a little more to your liking. But let's not get all bent outta shape saying "I'm right and you're wrong." Because you could have easily been born into a Jewish family, a long time ago, and could've ended up starting Christianity. P.P.S. I tried to end it neutral, and failed. So let me simply try... HAPPY NEW YEAR! (of course based on the Christian calendar.) FUCK!