There is no better way to explain my family than like anyone else's
Except my father who raised me on crying is for girls and never let anyone beat you
And a mother who found enlisting in the Marines made life easier to adjust to than a 5 year old with chicken pox
A older sister I've seen 4 times and haven't spoken to since I ran into her on 42nd street in line for Godzilla 1985
and another sister raised in Puerto Rico to the echoes of "why couldn't your hair be like your mother's?" and "En Vogue they're pretty for some black girls"
I remained an only child
in a house of cards
I waited to be crushed by
or paper cut to a slow death with
The fear of living in a house of cards is knowing
The right gust of wind can paper cut you to death
When I was a kid I wanted to be Snake Eyes from G.I. Joe
Black and cool as fuck
until I learned about my uncle Pete who died in Vietnam after the ammunition truck he was riding in exploded my grandmother emotions all over her house
When I was 6, I promised her I'd never join the military
She says "this country hasn't done anything for black men worth giving their lives for."
I agree
Then, the Marines took my mother
Could you blame me for not trusting this country?
which confiscated a piece of my life without any of my help
how does a 6 year old rationalize his mother leaving him at home to travel the world
I thought it was cool at first
My mom was going to be like Jinx or Lady Jane or Scarlett in G.I. Joe
only she was Puerto Rican and didn't cook and couldn't be seen every day on TV
Then I grew up and relationships change
My father
I wanted to tell him I miss him and love him more than anything in the world
But I'm scared I will have nothing else left to say
A fear felt since the day I left for a city with no seasons
A sign of a time frozen but skipped over hoping there are ways of just accepting things for how they are
Hardened by the routine of hardships growing up
Sometimes the connection between a father and son is lost
When the words that used to bond become just words used to bond
He says he's sorry for everything and I can hear it in his voice
A shame acknowledged by the lack of eye contact
I could cry if I knew I'd feel better afterwards
Like the day I saw my father cry for the 1st time
All Superheroes have weaknesses carefully camouflaged as idiosyncrasies
The only superhero I knew who made due with no job and a love for the only child he raised
Who strengths would soon succumb to the after effects of Vietnam's residue
I realized how hurt we've been by our inability to vocalize feelings not dealt with
Like surprises no one wants
I tell my kids the same thing my dad told me
Never forget how much Daddy loves you okay?
You know I love you more than anything in the world, right?
Almost trying to convince myself that they understand
The guilt of away for too long a period of time makes it's presence felt in uncomfortable sleep habits, lack of eye contact and the gray hairs beginning to decorate the sides of my head
I want them to have the relationship with my parents I had with my grandmother
The only woman I truly had no fear of until I met my wife
She helped raise me with every spare emotion she could offer
She was my best friend I wish my daughter to grow up to be just like
I guess she was the mother I needed with my mother not there
See my mother was a DJ
Cut in and out of my life a celebrity of sorts seen on special occasion
The hottest ticket in town I never had tickets to go see
Unknowingly transposed my growth
I want hug her like I mean it
But I'm scared and have found comfort in its' emptiness
Glad for the party she got started
but left feeling punch drunk by my fear of abandonment
Sometimes I start fights with my wife for no reason
For the intimacy found in the afterwards
Confused but still comfortable
always willing to apologize
A life filled with too many hallow apologies
How selfish I've been
One day she will tell me about how I used to be
And I'll act like I didn't know I was like that
Like baby stories your parents tell friends
I'll then apologize to her for everything I've done
And she'll be able to tell by the look in my eyes
I was never taught about the feelings of others
Or how delicate they are
Or how easily a heart can be broken with the right words
I wish I could reach inside her mind and have my questions answered
Back to my mother
She thinks my scars have been healed by the little addressing they've been given
I never realized how much emotion has been pushed to the side until I tried to explain it
Like a stack of poems never finished
Or the closing of a chapter not read
My feelings are all cliché
I have no original reactions left
Holding tear spotted napkins
dotting my eyes and crossing my tears making sure I get each emotion right
My grandmother
recently called to tell me next time I come over we need to talk
And it finally hits me at 86 years old she's been around forever
But she's not going to live forever
She wants to let me know what's going to happen once she passes
I don't want to think about the future
But I anticipate it's destruction
In all my years on this planet
I never witnessed someone in a box
lowered into the ground
and dedicated to the sky
So when I die I want to be cremated
Burn all my imperfections and sprinkle what's left over
Over someplace I've never been to
In hopes of inspiring someone I'll never know anything about