i haven't laughed like that in ages. don't you love those once in a lifetimes jokes? i do too.

its going to be a busy week.
i feel like craaaapola already.
halloween was great. 
things have been okay lately.

but sitting here now, alone in my room, i gotta say,

i miss you. and i wish you were sitting beside me.

you will remain nameless.
you might know who you are, or you may not have a clue.
can't talk, can't tell.

can't sleep, can't dream.

im in front of the make or break line.
with some luck and assuming the stars align themselves in a position making the cosmos play their part on my side, things could all turn around. i feel like its so close to happening.
a part of me is scared. i don't know what's next. what to expect, besides the unexpected.
some of the things at home are starting to clear up. a family is once again being established, and i am truly happy with the improvements going on. i havent heard from my father in almost three weeks. i...don't even know what to feel towards him anymore, besides sadness. its been hard financially at the house with just my mother and i handling everything. and for those of you who know me personally and have seen my house, yeah. pretty big freaking payment. the house alone, no utilities included, is 2k a month. then add utilities, car payments, credit cards, groceries, our health insurance blah blah blah. it's hellish having to cough up about 5 grand a month. i sat down and did the math. and yeah my mom is working two jobs, but damn.
hopefully within a week i'll have a new job, thanks to a wonderful guardian angel and friend i have. i know we met on a strictly professional basis, but after a series of events, we became friends over just co-workers. her family is fantastic and i wish only the best for them.
class is going well, thankfully. my drawing class is alright. im not much of a technical artist. i am glad i get to learn new tricks though. design is annoying. i dont really care for abstract concepts in my personal art. im deeply into symbolism and iconography. and my teacher probably thinks im the devil incarnate for not agreeing with her and seeing things, my way :)
enviro & lib arts math is pretty nice. i really like those classes. and of course, BELLYDANCE! is as fantastic as always. i do need to try and be less modest though. my instructor and a few friends have told me i need to shake it off and not be so shy or nervous about dancing seductively half dressed, hahaha. fools. im not shy about dancing...trust me, hahahah. its..complicated.
well, i suppose thats it. all of my updates in reference to my life as of now. i left out the part about love and foreign affairs. its not like you want to know anyways ;p

my dad is thousands of miles away.

and hearing his voice after so long...

it hurts so much.
i wish he would have tried to been closer to me.
i wish he could have stayed here.

i can't keep trying to be tough.
and i can't be the head of the house anymore.

im twenty years old.
i can't keep working two or three jobs to pay for the bills.
i can't let my health deteriorate on accounts of my parent's ignorance.
i shouldn't feel like a mother and a father, and a breadwinner.
i can't play these parts any longer....

There is a video on youtube called 'The Perils of Love.'
And everytime I'm feeling down because of love, I watch it, and laugh, and feel so much better. Here it is:

The Perils of Love

:)

wasn't that the cutest thing ever?
someone wonderful should just run up to me, take me by the hand and run with me to a secret place.

i had to put my 2 weeks in for anthropologie :/
it sucks. but the uni is my first priority. lots of work to do this semester.
gotta put my shit together.

hopefully the cruise for next summer is still on. if not, Jersey here i come <3

i want a surprise and a half.
i want to experience something incredible soon.
breathtaking. beautiful. one in a million.
that sort of thing.

:-/

have a good night.

xoxox

you -know- things would work out so well between you and another person.

but that person is caught up on going so well with someone else, who is probably interested in someone else.

creating a long line of people who would fuse so brilliantly, but are too busy and so blind to see what they could have. so they admire from afar at what will never be.

:/

i can tell today will not be the best of days.

No se lo que esta pasando en este momento de mi vida. Tengo muchas cosas que me ahogan, me tormentan hasta el fondo de mi alma. Es como no tener mis angelitos aguantandome y dandome la fortaleza que necessito para seguir adelante.

No me gusta hacerme preguntas a mi misma. No es necessario. Salgo con mis amigos y siempre tengo una sonrisa. Pero no se si puedo tener la sonrisa pegada a mi cara todo el tiempo ya. Sufro. Sufro mucho. Y algunos dias quiero quedarme en mi cuarto y desahogarme con lagrimas y piensamientos.

Quiero tener a alguien a mi lado. Alguien que tenga toda mi confianza para yo compartir de mi felizidad, torturas, momentos bellos...todo. Desde que deje el muy come mierda novio, muchas cosas en mi cambiaron. Se que valor en esta tierra es increible. Y desde ese tiempo, hay muchos chicos enteresados en mi. Algunos no me cain bien. Otros son maravillosos. Y hai uno que me deja sin palabras, y con una sonrisa y allegria brutal! XD

Pero...todo dicen que quieren ser mas que amigos, porsupuesto, el que me da las mariposas no siente lo mismo! Que suerte ah? Jajaja.

:/

Nadie tiene el valor de peliar por mi. Si soy tan increible, y buena persona, porque sufro tanto? Todo lo que me ha pasado este verano...no lo puedo creer. Muchas cosas buenas. Pero las malas...conyo...deveras que son malas.

No se que hacer. No se que sentir.

Nessune inquietudini. Non importa come le cose dure prendono, ricorda c'è tuttavia così molto vivere per. Le persone che non ho incontrato, i luoghi che non ho visitato, le cose attendendo di essere visto. Le parti del mondo che aspettano appena il destino di camminare in e mi guida attraverso le loro città vaste, i loro oceani ed il loro terreno ruvido...

Translation for all that?

No worries. No matter how hard things get, remember there is still so much to live for. People i haven't met, places I haven't visited, things waiting to be seen. Parts of the world that are just waiting for fate to step in and guide me through their vast cities, oceans and rugged terrain...

____________________________________________________________

I'm awfully tired. I've been tired. Horrible sleeping patterns, eating patterns, family issues, you name it, it's on my plate.

Lately I've been going through some pretty heavy stuff, but there's something strange about it all.

It's like, no matter how bad things get, there's something in me now that strives for more, and that pushes trough whatever obstacle I'm faced with. I'm eager, and anxious to live and let live.

I can't wait to just be living with my mother and my brother. They mean the world to me and knowing that we work so well as a team and have each others well being as a genuine interest is just wonderful.

I'm also really glad to have gotten close to some people. I met some fantastic people so far this summer, and have fixed old friendships.

I want to send out hugs, kisses, and thank yous to all my friends. Specifically, a few girlfriends: Crystal, Jamie, Doris, Adriana, Chisa, Steph the non believer, and more.

And now my bro's: Frankie, Felix, Punky, Jose, and Joe.

You guys are the best, really.

Fall semester is around the corner. Super excited for it haha. Of course once class starts I'll have to ease up on the work load.

Update for those of you who don't know: Charlotte Russe now sucks ass under new management. The Children's Place owns. And I got a job offer from Elisha, my old CR store manager, who is currently manager at Anthropologie, sister company of Urban Outfitters. I've got my interview on friday :)

My rooms a mess now that I look at it. And I should probably stop typing and get some rest. Long day ahead of me. I am however waiting for something to happen before I fall into dreamland...

don't you just hate the anticipation when you've got a tiny leeeetle crush on someone?

lol.

xoxox

we'll grow old together

i've been so blessed to have you all. and it's so crazy how most of us knew each other by association, and never imagined being such good friends in the long run. during high school, in college, whatever. I'll try to be specific with these haha. I won't forget anyone, so if you're not suddenly on this, dont freak, it's a work in progress.

To my bros:

Juan, you're the man! Haha, really. Thanks for being supportive and there for me when im puzzled or having technical difficulties in life. It's hella fun to hang out with you and talk about random mielda, haha. And we still need another eating contest. This time, you choose your weapon of choice, wahaha >:]

Lawrence Homo Erectus Chen! Your Christmas gift...was...the funniest thing I have ever gotten in my life. I promise to put it to good use. I owe you a lot negro. You're always there to cheer me up and take me out for ice cream, olive garden, or shopping. And you don't judge me and whatever may be bothering me. I'm glad we decided to go to Natasha's BBQ! Otherwise, I would have never gotten the name Bonqueesha XD hahaha. We're tighter than a five year old. (eew...whahaha)

TJ- Look, no matter how many times you say it, tupac is not better than Biggie, and even Juan and Law agree with me, It's ok to lose ;-) It's fun to hang out with you and the other two dipshits (jk guys haha) and get food! We're always hungry ;_; and stop playing Halo! Hahaha.

Joe- Negro, you are forever taking my man away from me. Whatthefunk!? Get cho' oooowwwnnn. We still need to plan a spring break in Puerto Rico with everyone. And I miss you magic card tricks...me and my psychological glory could not figure out your secrets >_< you are a level ahead of me.

Frankie- Cheesecake. Halloween. Chinese food. You name it. I'm scared to my skivvies to play against you at Smash Bros. Well...we saw what happened last time. Mario Kart however....i'll keeel joo. Take good care of Doris, or else! I don't know where you live...i forgot...but i'll find out. And smash your wii. Or maybe just steal it for my own pleasures buwhaha.

Nick- I am Poochi. I'm cool with that. However I have at no moment said anything about coochie. EVER. So get with it niggaaaaaaaaaa. I'm glad there is another colombian in the group. A quieter-less colombian walking-spontaneous-007-will-kick-my-ass-at-goldeneye-Colombian to be exact! Always a crackhead though, always.

Tony- Nigga i still haven't gotten a DS :-( So, no pokem4nz for me yet. *depressing* Thanks for your advice and your constant jokes. We still gotta hang out and get our game on! And go to another show together, duh. Love Peace Chicken Grease, haaaay!

Cbass- My fingers are chubby, i know. You're an awesome little negro, who I feed tacos and churros to. I loved going to HHN with you, seeing as you were funking terrified and you're so much fun to hang out with, when you aren't being an asshole and buggin' me alongside Jesus. Yeah, Jesus and I will definately be adopting you someday. So get ready for ass whoopin's bitch! (j/k)

Felix- Yeah, you're a special one. But I enjoy hanging out and getting some grub with you. Especially when I psychoanalyze guys and how much of assholes they are, and you do the same but for girls and we debate, only resulting in the same conclusions. It's great. And thanks for everything. Your advice is appreciated.

The girlfriends:

Jamie- I love you. Always. You are my ray of sunshine and one of the few things that keeps me going in life. You are stellar :3 The times I've spent with you are the greatest and I cannot ask for more. Your friendship, love, caringness, and loyalty are all i ever need. The force is strong with you. I cant even repel a force of that magnitude! *teh loser* Venom Cow Tipping? Scary Raquel? Gankutsuou? Fusians? Awww yeah. ^_____________^

Natasha- Mmm my sexy mamasita! I miss you terribly! And I'm so happy for you and Mark's one year. cuuuuute. Any luck with cartier love bracelet yet? I'm still working on it...hahah. You're absolutely gorgeous and so sweet and caring. We need some Jones soda, a cheese pastry, and a day of shopping and clubbing. Bella! <3

Vanessa- So, at first i thought you didn't like me. And then Juan told me you thought I didn't like you. And i laughed for quite a bit XD We have so much in common! And our boyfriends are homos sometimes, but im so happy we have been hanging out and making plans to get our nails did cause hunny imma tell you, Bonqueesha dont play dat. Hahah. You're super awesome and im glad we don't hate each other :-D!!

Doris- AHHHHHHH. I miss you. I haven't talked you in like...5 days haha. Im so happy for you nena. You will never know. You're one of the most amazing people i have ever met. And i trust you in crazy amounts. Thanks for always being there to talk when things are down in the dumps, and when we have false alarms hahaha. Still gotta talk to his sister...hahaha. I'm so happy we're still friends after all that time, and we will definately be neighbors and god-parent each others children in the future haha <33

Jaja- Aww yeah Twix from the HOOD! It's been a while since we talked. But you know i love you and you will always have a huge spot in my heart. Actually, it's a throne that says Princess on it, just for you. I miss our stories and when we would talk about our crushes on the school bus. Getting chased by my dog, running away from the lightning, and laughing at the bugs that would fly around your moms hair. Priceless, haha <3

Krina- I haven't heard from you in a while. And I hope you're alright. You're AMAZING and hilarious. We're the flyest latinas around, on the realz. We still have to go see A7X together! And kidnap/violate them. all. well...I'll take most...im picky...hahaha. Remember to ask the Mannequin! LMAO.

Brina- Mi amore, mi amore, mi amore. You are like, my child. Anyone mess with you, they funna get they assssss stomped by ME! AIIGHT?! You too play the role of my conscious. You have guided me into the right paths and you've cleared my mind from all these crazy games in life. You give me courage, strength and determination. You make me feel like im supposed to exist. I love you in large large large amounts <3

it's crazy how dinner on Christmas day, is tasteless without you. most of you are gathered, opening gifts, serving food, telling jokes, telling the kids to stop running, dancing; the works. whether you're in Atlanta, or in Puerto Rico, I really miss you guys. Have fun celebrating Grandpa's birthday too.

It really sucks to be alone on Christmas :/

And for those of you who are annoyed by spending times like these with your family, and wish for anything besides that, you're fucking idiots, and don't deserve shit for being so blind.