I was recently listening to this rap song where this rapper named Graph says this line that goes: "Don't let your momma fool you, you are NOT somebody!" And me being the man that I am, got to thinking and realized that he's on to something. It's something me and a few of my boys talk about every now and then. We'll all be hanging out, drinking, flirting with girls, just having a good time and never fail we'll wind up bumping into that one chick who thinks she's flier than she really is. I'm the first one to admit that if you're a dime ON THE OUTSIDE then the world is yours. The issue is that too many women think that because you're a dime on the inside, it allows you to act any which way with people.

Look if I'm in the club and I'm just being conversational, let's go a little easy on your stupid hang-ups! It's not that serious! If you ever have to say "I don't talk about that" and the topic of discussion isn't about a family death or what your cho-cha tastes or feels like, you're taking yourself way too seriously. I barely care as it is cuz you're probably no better than a 7 out of 10 and that's after 3 drinks and you're sitting in the right light but, don't make it any harder by thinking you are so deep that you can't have a regular conversation with a dude. You're just not that special! Hell neither am I! None of us are! I'm just some asshole who has a smart mouth, a fucked sense of humor, a little bit of money in my pocket and worthless props at a couple of parties! I'm still willing to talk to your sloppy set of funbags like they're the best I've seen since Halle's pair in Monster's Ball.

Simply put, you're a nobody, just like me so, let's just have fun! You ain't famous cuz you got in the club on the VIP line! You ain't rich cuz you own your own apartment! You ain't smart cuz you went to the Ivy Leagues! With everything you've "accomplished", somehow you're still sitting in this bar next to a random dude like me and you're fronting like you're special! Everybody can't be somebody! Once you realize that you ain't all that, your lonely ass might actually find a dude willing to put up with you! Bougie, stuck-up and siddity are all synonyms for lonely on Valentine's Day! And to end on a more descriptive yet, stereotypical crass Keenan note, you might think what you got between your legs is special but, if the only thing you're lubing up is your thong, who cares?!?!

There are a lot of things going on over the next week so, let's get right into it! Tonight, you already know will be another installment of Vivid Fridays at Opus 22. We had Columbia University's newly admitted students in the house last week and it was a great look. We decided to bring back our collages so, you no longer have to take my word for it. Just see for yourself:

www.mihicon.com/collage_3_6_08.jpg

Expect no different tonight as we won't stop! Drink, two-step, be merry, just make sure you hit me and let me know you're coming through! 22nd & 11th, be there or be square! All the cool kids are doing it!

Saturday night, I'm doing a one-time event at PT212. We've dubbed it March Madness and we got a few birthday parties in the house but, none bigger than my girl Tiffanye Franklin who will be doing it up right! Happy Bday Tiffanye! We got DJs Moma and Napalm holding us down all night and it's ladies free before 12 if you RSVP! I know you haven't been to this spot before so, check the website and see how sexy we're gonna keep it this Saturday, www.pt212.com, and then hit me up so I can have you on the list cuz I'm not coming outside lol lol - test me  PT 212 is on 24th bet 5th and 6th, text me toJon that if you wanna!  RSVP, 718.496.4454

This coming Monday, I need everybody to tune into The Bachelor – Season 12 as my girl Marshana Ritchie will be one of the sexy ladies competing for love this season. If you don't know her, you'll be able to pick her out since she's the only Black girl on the show. Y'all might've seen Marshana wildin' out back in the day at Ida Mae's or even as recently as Wish 26 last year or when I had the party at Dirty Disco a few months ago. She always comes out to support me so, I need y'all to help me support her by tuning in. This Monday they'll be previewing the upcoming season and next Monday the 17th will the show premiere on ABC. And in case y'all were wondering, yes we used to date, ok, ok, you might not of been wondering but, I'm just saying that if you want to be successful, dating Keenan is the beginning of that path! In the words of Twista and Kanye West, "I'll make you an overnight celebrity! Let me be your manager!"

And finally, on Thursday it goes down with a huge bowling competition featuring all the major event and party promoters. It goes down from 7:00 - 9:30, there's a $5 spectator fee, there will be food, drinks and music and it all happens at Harlem Lanes on the corner of 126th & 7th but, hit me up if you wanna get down with a team of four. We still got a couple slots open. If you can beat my MIH crew, I got in for free next time you come out!!! Y'all don't know I was nice when I was 12 in summer camp, I still got the trophy to prove it!!! And I'm putting it out there for all to see, Grae Enterprises, Stand-Firm Entertainment & 3 Kings want no parts of The MIHicons!!! Ask about us!!!

Keenan "Everybody Can't Be Somebody" Davis

With this being the last day of Black History Month, I figured I had to do something to speak to my Black people.  One of the biggest issues going on the Black community is the use of the "N" word.  There are websites trying to abolish it, panel discussions concerning it and even people trying to profit off of it as evidenced by Nas' forthcoming album which is entitled "Nigger".  I for one am trying to stop saying the word so much.  It's admittedly very hard to stop since the word is so applicable in so many cases that have nothing to do with the color of a person's skin.  The way I see it though is that if I'm gonna stop, I need some alternatives.  Something I've always found hilarious are all the other synonyms for Black person that never quite caught on with such fanfare as the "N" word.

There's coon, jigaboo, porchmonkey and eggplant for starters!  I have to admit, you white boys are some creative motherfuckers!  Darkie, monkey, jungle bunny, powder burn, spade, tar baby, sambo, buckwheat, ape, pickaninny, and spook!  Goodness gracious!  Some of these are so fucked up, I actually had to laugh out loud, NOT LOL but, literally laugh out loud.  When you put the visual on some of these, they are pretty funny.  

I think the Italians were on to something when they came up with mulean or moolie for short.  It has good versatility and flexibility.  I can say "Look at this moolie, here!" or "That moolie be trippin'!"  It works for me.  Side note though, how come we as Black people have only come up with honky, cracker, redneck and whitey?  Is that all we got?  With all the slang and creativity we express in every other aspect of life, over all these years, we came with cracker?  And that's not even an insult because it refers to the cracking of slave whips!  C'mon people, let's get some good juicy racial slurs like mud duck or inkface! Now that's funny!  But, when it's all said and done, I think the only way one Shadow Smurf is gonna not call a spear chucker a nigga is to give that cotton picker some options!  And before I get all the hate email, none of these words bother me because I'm unbelievably comfortable in who I am as a person!  I'm the first one to make fun of myself and any and everybody around me.  I don't take life that seriously!  I'll leave you with a joke.  What do you call a Black Smurf?  A Smigger! Happy Black History Month!

We're back and we're coming back strong!  Vivid is gonna be serious tonight as we took last week off due to the private even that was booked.  And the only way was to give the people something to look forward to.  Columbia University's BBSA will be in the building and celebrating with us.  We also got Brooklyn Circus who's having a huge warehouse sale and as such they'll be with us doing gift bag giveaway throughout the night.  DJ Jon Quick & DJ Soul will be your musical providers of the evening and I'll be in the middle of the dance floor shaking what my momma gave me!  In case the week off gave you amnesia, Vivid at Opus 22 is right on the corner of 22^nd and 11^th.  Hit me if you trying to come through but, I'd come early if I were you.  It's gonna be a madhouse tonight! Just text me, I don't like talking on the phone :)

Keenan "Words Bounce Off Me & Stick To You" Davis

Love is in the air! But you didn't come here for that! This is the Weekly Rants and Raves and as such we gotta make fun! I was halfway through writing my Valentine's Day rant when I get an IM from my boy Mr. MIH who wanted me to check his blog and lo and behold, he got stuff that I was talking about. He beat me to my own punchlines so, why reinvent the wheel (plus I'm lazy) so, here's none other than Ghostwriter Mr. MIH:

1. This is nothing more than a man made commercial holiday that puts undo pressure on folks to show how much you "care" about someone with cards, overpriced flowers, and supposedly sentimental gifts. It ain't that serious people! If your person(s) in your life are handling their business, then they should be doing this all the time. Think about it, if they wait until today to do it, what does that say about the other 364 days of the year? Wake up people! Your eyes are wide shut to the truth!

2. All this "Fuck Valentine's Day shit" is hilarious. Go show some love for damn yourself! Treat yourself to something special and call it a damn day.

3. Ladies - its okay for you to get your man something for Valentines Day - saying he is gonna get "some" ain't all that special! He probably been getting it for free all this time so why does it have a $300 price tag today?

4. Fellas - you don't have to spend a shit load of money to show her you care. Take notes - cook a meal for her (even if you cant cook she will appreciate the effort), run her a bubble bath and then give her massage after, suck it up and watch her favorite chick flick, go to her favorite spot and get her favorite dessert, get a bottle of wine, play her favorite CD and just talk - it ain't that hard - just show you care and have an idea of what she likes.

5. Chances are if you getting to spend time with someone today you are the number one on his or her team (they probably linked with any others yesterday).

6. That nikka or chick ain't working late, out of town, or got no damn meeting! You just ain't the number one – sorry. Hey everyone can't be a number one.

7. She is probably gonna feel bad or some type of way when all her co workers, friends and such get something at the job or home and she doesn't.

8. Damn for all those ladies on the red dot – fellas either run the red light or be prepared for a night of playing big spoon.

9. Strap up tonight (which you should be doing anyway) and pop your pills ladies (I am just being real with this one) cause lawd knows there are a lot of babies born nine months from today! That would be all you Libra's with the daddies who didn't pull out

And last but NOT least:

10. It's Valentine's Day and NOT Valentimes Day damn it!!! Stop with that ignant (yeah I spelled it like that on purpose so those who say Valentimes can understand) shit!!!

NOW I KNOW THIS MAY BOTHER SOME FOLKS BUT BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT.

The views expressed above are wholeheartedly supported by Keenan "Keeper of the Rants & Raves" Davis.

In fact, may I add that all my cheap/broke/forgetful cats who also happen to playas (don't get it twisted ladies, you can be broke and bag bitches!) run out to your local bodega in the city that got the flower stands in the front, cop a dozen roses for like $20 and drive around to all your sidepieces, jump-offs, young bucks, chicks you wanna hit soon and/or chicks you wanna starting hitting off again and give them a single red rose each! Cost effective yet sentimental!!! Just don't make it seem like you're on a tight schedule!!! LOL LOL LOL

I apologize if you couldn't get into Opus 22 last Friday. I tried to tell y'all that it was gonna be a madhouse since we had so many birthday parties booked. It's gonna be crazy tonight as well since my boy Aundre AKA DJ Deluxe of VMIX fame will be celebrating his born day tomorrow night! We still got them tunes, we still got them drinks, we still got them happy people dancing all night! So you know what to do, HOLLA AT CHA' BOY!!!

And since it's long weekend, we gotta give y'all something a little extra! This Sunday, it goes down! Frederick's at 8 West 58th Street bet. 5th and 6th! We teamed up with our boys from the Freedom party, got DJ Herbert & DJ Cosi on the turntables, got my dudes Marc Smooth and Stone hosting along with your friendly neighborhood MIHicon promoters to bring you a President's Day Weekend Bash we've called "Jour Et Nuit". If you don't know what language that is, you either needed to pay more attention in school or you need to start traveling some more now that you're an adult! Come thru people!!! Ladies are free b4 11:30 if you RSVP with me (that rhymes!!!)

Keenan "Cupid Would Get Got If He Was Shooting Arrows In My Hood" Davis

Another entry from my first ghostwriter, Ghostwriter 19…This one is crazy…remember ladies, it wasn't me! LOL

Words by Ghostwriter 19

I almost didn't let Keenan run this one because it's a bit harsh but Keenan insisted that I do in the spirit of "funny but, true" so, here we go.

On behalf of the success of Black Families, I implore you to heed the following. Ladies, I know the women's movement has been great and you are now earning almost $.70 on the dollar compared to men!!!  But, real talk is that your career is going to leave you lonelier than the ugly kid around prom time.

You see there a lot of beautiful black women who are getting degrees, climbing the corporate ladder, making big money, etc and I love it but you might wanna think twice. You see when you delay childrearing; you will only increase your chances of never getting married or divorce if you do make it down the aisle.

Follow me if you will.  You are around 30, you're close to or already a VP, or you're getting that JD or PHD. You are married with no kids or delaying marriage until your career is more defined. Either option is not good. The longer you wait to have babies the harder it will be to bring that "sexy back" and yes he will leave you eventually if he is honorable; or, just egregiously cheat!  Either way, LIFE SUCKS FOR YOU!

I know it is harsh but please read on. That great man you have is really not that great and in fact he is kind of shallow. He met you one way and while he knows you will age, the wider and heavier you get he will be turned off. The more and more time you wait to spit out some kids, the more unlikely you will be able to loose that baby weight. A girl with a "phat pussy" is a great thing!  A girl with a "fat upper pussy area," eh, not so much! That pouch WILL REMAIN.

So back to the great man you think you have. First if he has truly got his stuff together divorcing you or ending the relationship is only a financial decision (if he is a good man he will wait until the kids are grown) Yes I know it is harsh. But he really will look at you differently. Unlike most he will get the chance to see your new weight daily. You can't hide it under your work clothes.  So what do you think?  That he will love ALL of the new you? 

So where does this leave you? 40-ish and chunky but, at a super career point! It is regrettable but it leaves you lonely. And you know what they say about the old dude at the club!  Can you imagine what they say about the old sloppy chick?!?!

So ladies please do what you must to reproduce quickly. Pop the condom, skip a pill, get it on with the mailman. Get that kid out the way, get your fat @ss in the gym, tone them thighs back up and start dating when your kid is old enough to be left alone at home but you're still young enough that someone still wants you.  The longer you wait the more likely you will be rich at work but alone at home. 

Oh yeah I know that you are probably thinking that men get fat too but woman are not as shallow as men so you will love our beer bellies forever. LOL LOL LOL

I would like to state here that the views expressed by Ghostwriter 19 are fully supported by Keenan "Keeper of the Rants and Raves" Davis.  I know many a old dude looking depressed as hell with his bad @ss kids and fat wife!  Well not I, I tell you, not I!!!  Weight gain is grounds for divorce in my book so, why make it harder on yourself by trying to have a kid at 43 and then fight baby weight and the weight of time to get back in bikini shape?  I know some of y'all are already 30+ so, just forward this to those spring young chickens your man is gonna wind up leaving you for anyway :)

Birthdays, Birthdays, Birthdays!!! There's nothing better than having birthday parties ready to go when I'm promoting one of my spots!  And it's really crazy when those birthday parties are for women!  You know their girls are gonna come out!  You know dudes come where ever the females are!  And when everyone is coming to a spot that's already a good look, pandemonium ensues!!! Come out tonight and do it up with birthday girls Nisha & Ms. Phia D. at Opus 22 – 22^nd and 11^th.  I got my boy Korrek spinning so you know there will be a problem tonight!  Hit me if you trying to come out!

Shouts to my boy Aundre AKA "DJ Deluxe" AKA "Do You Know Who I Am?" as it's his birthday on Monday.  And just have to give an extra special shout to CrazySexyCool Khaalida because it's her 25^th birthday today also!  

Now that football is over, I'd like to invite all of y'all to not veg out this Sunday and hit up my boy Mike Murray's Snow Day for some daytime fun of ice skating, eats, drinks and tunes at Chelsea Piers Sky Rink from 1 till 4.  For all the details, just go to http://www.murco.org/snowday2008.htm and make sure you RSVP as well.

Keenan "Time Weights For No Man" Davis

So, last week I ran a piece from my brethren, Ghostwriter BajanKinch, well that piece was in response to a piece written by a young lady we'll call Ghostwriter JessJ.  It's a long piece so, just like last week, make sure you click through to read it all.  JessJ calls this one: Come Correctly: She Said (part 1)

The secret to winning an all-season boo

If you're a female — and you're breathing — chances are you've been the victim of a holla. (By holla we mean a frivolous, and often failed, attempt of a guy to "get at" a girl with annoying one-liners like "Hey little mama you look good," "What yo' name is?" or "Can I get in them jeans?") A lady can't even walk down the street without someone from the male gender bombarding her with this nonsense. Let's be real. Do males really think these tired lines work on women? After the classic, "Dannnnnnng mommy you look good…can I get yo' number?" do you envision us replying with: "Aww, really? Yes; I always knew you were the one?" (For the record, if she is not your mom, she probably doesn't like you calling her mommy, either.) Better yet, after you see us walking down the street and you whistle out the window of your souped up bucket, do you expect us to hijack the next biker we see and peddle after you in an attempt to follow-up? Take a minute and think to yourself: has this childish behavior ever really worked?

I didn't think so.

And if you are continuing to justify your actions with that single incident last year when it was successful, you're way off. The one girl who did respond to your ridiculousness was either a.) insecure b) desperate c) tacky/hood d) carrying an STD or e) all of the above. If this is what you want, then go for it–but if not, listen up. In an effort to stop the madness, and maybe even prompt a connection, I have come up with a handy list on how to get the attention of a classy lady.

DON'T RUSH IT

This is perhaps the most important step. Take a minute. Be easy. What's the rush? Spend a few minutes asking the girl some questions about herself. And if you are seeing her on a regular basis (i.e. school or work) don't holla at her the first time you approach her. Act like you just want to get to know her and the holla simply ensued because, upon getting to know her, you liked what you saw (not because you thought she was cute).

BE ORIGINAL

Steer clear of the cliché questions like, "Where are you from?" and "What do you like to do for fun?" The city that you are both in is probably the same city she is from. Half of the time you don't even know what you mean by that question. I often find myself having to give a hefty–and pointless–explanation when a guy asks me where I'm from. More often than not, he means "Do you reside here?" not "Where were you born?" See it's confusing even explaining it. Also, the "What do you like to do for fun?" question is just as unavailing. What do you mean what do we like to do for fun? The same things everyone does: hang out with friends, go to the movies, travel, shower, read, and occasionally stare at the wall. Not joking.

As I said there's more to this one but, it's a bit much to read in your email so, if you wanna keep reading just follow this link:
http://keenansrantsandraves.com/2008/02/come-correctly.html 

It's a month strong and Vivid at Opus 22 is looking like it's here to stay.  You gotta love a party that got nothing else around it.  That way you know that when it's poppin in there, everybody came for the same reason.  They didn't just walk by randomly and they don't got plans to be going anywhere else!  Don't nobody be walking up the Westside highway looking for parties…Vivid at Opus 22 is a destination and apparently it's the destination of many.  You already know, hit me for the list or just meet me at 22^nd and 11^th tonight!

Keenan "I Come So Correct You Can Mark My Words Like Proofreaders" Davis

Y'all already know that every now and then I have to give light to other brothers from another mother who have the same enlightening views as I and with that said.  Here comes an entry from none other than Ghostwriter BajanKinch. 

What have you done for me lately? This is the 1986 single from Janet Jackson's third album Control.  I think that this is a funny paradigm in that 20 years later it would be the song sung by many the modern twenty or thirty something males to the single females trying to gain just that – Control. 

In the previous article, my counterpart Jessica Jones tells men to "Come Correctly" when trying to "holla" at an unsuspecting female. Ok, well to join her – Let's also be real (I'll give you some insight). It is not always about saying the right thing or coming up with the right "line" to say to the right female. Jessica said it best: "She knows if she wants to pursue you almost instantaneously ", so sometimes it does not even matter what you say. Sometimes saying nothing at all and ignoring her is your best bet! When it comes to the traditional game of "cat and mouse" in modern times some rules have changed and some have not.  This formula remains: Men chase, Women choose.

Gentlemen: Remember that junior high school dance when you wanted to dance with the most popular girl in school and she danced with another guy? The Valentines gift that you got for an unsuspecting sweetheart that she ignored? The girl that you met in the mall that gave you the wrong number? The cutie at the club that said she did not give her phone number out, so she took yours instead and never called? Or the sexy professional that gave you her business card but was so busy she could not hold a phone conversation only text you from a meeting an "LOL" here or an "LMAO" there? From an early age we are trained from this learned behavior to accept rejection and keep it moving. 

We have an unspoken advantage. A quality that many women lack - Resilience. It is a numbers game.  It may be cliché but, " if at first you don't succeed, try try again" (not necessarily with the same one though!) Do women really think that educated, eligible bachelors are ignorant to the fact that we are in high demand and in short supply? Realistically, we have choice not chance on our side. Over the years men have gotten better at the game from listening to women say that all the "good" men are either in jail, uneducated, broke, trifling or gay. NOT SO! We are just not that into YOU!

The man you are looking for is out there. Let me help some of my sistas out by letting you know some simple things that will separate you from the pack. These are "factors" if you will that today's man can appreciate when you converse with him. The crazy thing is that most of you already know these things; you have just gotten so independent in your ways that you may have forgotten or ignored some traditional values. 

CAN YOU COOK?
What happened to the saying "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach"? Have you learned nothing from the movie –" Lady in the Tramp"? Even a dog without a collar knows where to get a good cooked meal. He may roam for a few days, but he knows his way home. If my mom can get me to drive home from Philadelphia to NY (2Hrs each way) for a plate, just imagine the possibilities. A lot of the new modern independent women have lost touch with this simple and most important value. It says a lot in your conversation when this question is brought to the table. It can tell us: 1) what your upbringing was like, 2) what are your dietary likes / dislikes or 3) concerns are (McDonalds again?) 4) culture (italian, mexican, west Indian, soul food ) 5) Can you do more than make "reservations"? 6) Financial situation (eating out all the time) 7) Will my kids starve? MEN LOVE A HOME COOKED MEAL! Now, we are not saying that you have to be big momma or mammie in the kitchen with the apron and the head tie, but after working hard to bring home the bacon, can you fry it up in the pan? Get your Williams-Sonoma game up!! 

PRETTY DUNCE
Can you hold an intellectual conversation? And no I do not mean, "What's your favorite video on 106 and Park? When politics are discussed or the current state of the Euro vs. The Dollar or Global Warming or the Elections, do you turn your head and look out the window or quickly change the subject? These women wonder why the thugs with gold teeth or the dudes with 5 baby mamas keep hollering at them. The answer is simple, you are a trophy. A lot of women pride themselves in the way they look (eye candy), what they can put down in the bedroom, or how to please a man physically and often do not concentrate on how to stimulate the other major muscle – the brain. Please, we beg of you – tell us something we don't know, put me on to something, and teach me something new.  Stay up to date with current affairs, and not just the latest on Britney Spears, and we might have something to talk about over the expensive dinner that I pay for, since you can't cook….

There's more to this one people but, I don't wanna clog up your email so, if you wanna keep reading just follow this link:

http://keenansrantsandraves.com/2008/01/what-are-you-bringing-to-table.html 

This weekend is chock full of tings with my boy MLK's bday as the cause for no work for the masses.  Tonight we got the 3^rd week of my new party, Vivid at Opus 22.  And we're doing it up for DJ Jon Quick, Tyson (Tennessee Tyson is what they call him) and Will as it's gonna be birthday crazy.  Remember, "Friends make friends throw up on their birthdays!"  I'm giving the gift of a hangover to all!!!  Welcome to the terrordome!  Sorry, don't know where that came from, just recognize that we gonna have Opus rocking tonight!  You already know, hit me for the list or just meet me at 22^nd and 11^th tonight!

Keenan "All Chicks Got An Ass, What Else You Working With?" Davis

I've recently start in the rat race.  I say started cuz I've ran my own company for the last 9 years and hadn't had a real 9 to 5 (or should I say 9 to 8) since Biggie was alive!  As such, I've been going out to networking events and after-work joints here and there basically cuz I still like to go out but, now I gotta be up in the morning so, I can't be in the club till 3:30 on school nights.  As I'm going out, there's nothing better than spotting hood chicks in business casual attire (it should be business attire but, when I can see the tattoo of tiger paws peaking out the top of your blouse that outfit automatically gets downgraded to business casual).  I know you shouldn't judge a book by its' cover but, if it walks like a chicken and talks like a chicken: sometimes it actually is a chickenhead.  Fellas feel free to do what you will with this information but, I recommend that you scoop one of these lost souls up and buy her a new cell phone and monthly Metrocard and enlist yourself a jump-off for life!

The first tell-tale sign would be her multi-colored hair.  You can spot her from across the room taking FULL advantage of the 2 for 1 apple martinis.  If she's boriqua, look for the red stripe, if she's morena, look for the blonde strip!  Any woman who decides to do this, can't be in the running for any real position of power so, please believe that she's primed and ready to look at your business card in awe.  As you slip her your card, take a step back and check out her stance.  If she's doing the "knees-backward lock" stance, you've got yourself a winner!  Nothing says WIC like the "knee-back" pose.  Don't get all "big-wordy" with her, she's already bagged…now just show her that you're not a pompous asshole and you'll be picking her up from Washington Heights or East Flatbush or the South Bronx or North Bronx or Middle Bronx (basically anywhere in the Bronx) in no time!  Remember to buy her fat friend a drink too!  Works like gangbusters!!! 

This weekend is chock full of tings with my boy MLK's bday as the cause for no work for the masses.  Tonight we got the 2^nd week of my new party, Vivid at Opus 22.  And we're doing it up for Mike Flounoy as he gets one year older and wiser.  Y'all know my quote, "Friends make friends throw up on their birthdays"!  I'll be doing my best to make sure Mike has a hangover tomorrow lol lol. 

On Sunday, it's finally going down.  The party 5 years in the making.  The Freedom party 5 year anniversary.  Sunday! B.B. Kings! 1000+ people! Slick Rick! Nice & Smooth! Chubb Rock! Lisa Lisa! DJ Herbert! DJ Cosi! DJ Marc Smooth!  I'm done talking and I just hit my quota for exclamation points, just click here:

http://www.bbkingblues.com/schedule/moreinfo.cgi?id=4324

Keenan "Like Ill Al Skratch, Yeah I'll Take Her" Davis

They say "first impressions last a lifetime" and I guess that's true and all to some degree but, how many people can look around a room and remember the 1^st time they met someone?  You can barely remember the 1^st time you asked your girl out so why do 1^st impressions matter so much when it comes to a bunch of arbitrary, miscellaneous ass people???  I ask all this cuz I can recall many a conversation in which I'm having to discuss why I didn't introduce so and so that I'm dating to a bunch of random ass people that you'll never see again!  Or why I let some chick that don't factor into your life no kinda which way think something about you that might not be true!  Or how you want me to act this-a-way around my boys now that you're in the picture! Leave me alone!!! 

I don't get it, mami!  Don't none of these people care enough about you to give it a 2^nd thought so, why do you?  Do you really take note of every single person you meet, make some snap judgment about them and let that guide your interaction with them when you see them again a fortnight from now?  My boys don't think you're silly for being with me cuz I look at other chicks when I'm in the club, they don't think you're stupid, THEY DON'T THINK ANYTHING!  And why you ask?  Because they're busy looking at those same chicks with me in the club and then when you come around, they're probably sneaking a peek at your hips and lips thinking the same thing about you that we were all thinking about those random chicks in the club.  So please stop interrupting my game to have these pointless ass conversations about people that don't matter.  Here's a simple rule of thumb to determine if you need to be worrying me about some bullsh*t and if it's worth pulling me away from a game of Madden 08':

Pretend you're talking (aka bitching to your man) & fill in the blanks to say this sentence: 

Because of you, now _______ thinks that I'm _______! 

Now answer this question:

What happens to your day-to-day life as a result? 

Do you get fired?  Can you not pay your rent? Are you gonna starve? Do you now gotta visit the gyno cuz you got burned? No? Nien? Nope? And not at all? I thought as much!  Sit down! Shutup! Get up and go make me a sandwich! 

New Year, New Tings A' Gwan!!! The run at Dirty Disco was great but, it's 08' and as such we had to switch things up a bit.  We're now at Opus 22 starting this Friday and will be there every Friday night from here on in.  We're taking it back to our Joe's Pub days, our Ida Mae's days, our West 8^th days, where you knew that if you came out, it was gonna be a great look.  It's raining today and we don't give a flying fug!  We'll still be packed cuz if you know like I know this is what we do…we Make It Happen! As a treat for the new year and in celebration of the new party, anyone who hits me and RSVPs will get in free b4 1AM.  Tell your girls, tell your mans-and-them, bring em all!  All free on the kid!

And please, please, please do not forget that next Sunday, it goes down very officially like and stuff as my boy Herbert, Cosi and Marc Smooth celebrate 5 years of Freedom!  The fact that the party is on MLK's birthday weekend is not by happenstance!  Freedom from frontin' ass dudes and gold-diggin' women, Freedom from tiny dudes with Napolean complexes working the door and telling you your money is no good inside their club, Freedom to dance the ENTIRE night away while being free from every song calling your mother/sister/daughter a ho/slut/bitch.  Please believe me, it goes down, I'm done talking, click here stupids!!!

http://www.bbkingblues.com/schedule/moreinfo.cgi?id=4324

Oh and did I forget to mention that aside from a crazy party, they'll also have live performances by Slick Rick, Nice & Smooth, Chubb Rock and Lisa Lisa just to name a few! 

I repeat, click here stupids: http://www.bbkingblues.com/schedule/moreinfo.cgi?id=4324

Keenan "If I Nod Every 27 Seconds, She'll Think I'm Listening" Davis

It's 2008 and with the New Year comes new resolutions, new changes and new people that you've decided to cut off in your life.  We've all been there before, haven't we?  All of that "I'm tired of her shit," "I'm cutting so-and-so off,"& "Don't he know when a woman's fed up, ain't nuttin' he can do about it?!?!"  Well now's the time when both guys and girls have their chests all puffed out and they ready to trim the fat and get rid of their respective b*tches and bum ass dudes!  They tell their friends and family and everyone's ready to ride with them. On some "Yeah, it's about time," "We'll just hit the club and find you someone new" & "She'll miss you when you're gone!!!"  And that last line is when things have gone too far!

Let's just keep it real…He's not going to remember "how great" you were!  She's not gonna go through the rest of her life yearning for some of that ole thing back!  You're not gonna be the one that got away.  C'mon, do you sit back and reminisce over every person who told you "You're gonna regret this one day!" Of course not, we each got maybe 1 person who we knew would've been a good one but, the time wasn't right so, it is what it is.  Ain't nobody trying to track down their college sweetheart 8 years later cuz it never got no better!  That same broke, lazy, cheating ass man from 5 years ago is probably paid, motivated and doing his damn thing (even though he probably still is a cheater cuz it's a lot easier to get girls you got a good job and some money in your pocket)

Unfortunately he's not gonna see one day and she is gonna live happily ever after! Too bad, so sad!  Real talk is that if that person had their head stuck up their @ss back in 07', it still probably is and they'll never see the "great" person that you are now that you're gone in 08'.  If you gonna bounce, just bounce…trust me, he or she ain't gonna be that broken up about it! 

I want to thank everyone for coming down on NYE to Dirty Disco and please believe that the party will still be going this Friday so, come on down and have a drink with your boy. 

I gotta take a bit of time to let y'all know about one of the greatest events that will take place this year.  It's the 5 year anniversary of The Freedom Party!  You already know, the cats from the Canal Room, the cats from Tribeca Cinemas and here's where it hits home for me, the cats who teamed up with MIH when we were at Discotheque a couple years ago.  MIHicon was down with the Freedom team for a while!  It was a great event!  IT STILL IS A GREAT EVENT!  I'm sitting here telling y'all about Freedom when I know damn well we compete with them every Friday.  That's how much respect I have for what they do.  No door / line drama.  No getting beat in the head for admission.  Nobody telling you what you can and can not wear.  It's all about the Freedom to have a great time and the epitome of Freedom will happen at B.B. Kings on Sunday, Jan 20^th, MLK weekend!  They got live performances by Slick Rick, Nice & Smooth, Chubb Rock and Lisa Lisa just to name a few!  Do like I'm gonna do and make sure you're there by clicking here: 

THE FREEDOM PARTY 5 YEAR ANNIVERSARY BASH

Keenan "Oh Yeah, I Remember You, I Think" Davis

Just like I did last year and like every TV channel, radio station and website from here to West Bumblef*ck, I'm gonna do my "Best of 2007" list.  I picked 7 of my favorite-ist rants and raves of the past year and listed them out for you to read, review and reminisce with me ?

So, here they are for your sick, twisted enjoyment:

OK, We Get It

Love Black People, Hate Nikkas!

Name That Tune

We Gotta Talk!!!

Hip Hop's 360

Wait, So Anyone Can Be Down???

That Good Ole UglySexy

We're less than a week away people!  Damn do I love New Year's Eve!!! Everyone is ready to party, everywhere has an open bar, it's nothing but drinking and dancing for 7 hours straight.  That's right I said 7 hours!  Cuz not only do you already know that my parties are "funner" than your average joint cuz name another promoter who actually gets out there and dances circles around the patrons but, we're opening at 9PM on New Year's Eve!!!  That's right, we're rocking from 9 till 4.  We also gonna let you get down for cheaper than everyone else!  Only $75! You heard me, $75 and you get 2 hour open bar, champagne toast at midnight, passed appetizers & party favors.  We got table and bottle specials!  We got it all…just make sure you hit me up about Resolutions 2008 @ Dirty Disco RIGHT NOW!!!

Remember, tickets were $65 and we've sold out of those already…don't lose out on the $75 tickets also!

Vamanos! Holla at your boy, pronto!!!

Keenan "Keeper of the Rants & Raves" Davis

My bad y'all…I had nearly a week and a half of rants and raves every Thursday and last week I left y'all hanging.  I was tired. I didn't feel like thinking. MY BAD!!!  But I'm back, bee-yotches!!!  And I figure what better way to say welcome back to myself than by getting a little outrageous with my return.  As such, I'd like to talk about something that I know has touched every single man and boy of any race, color or creed at some point in his life.  It's also ideal timing since it's Christmas time and many a man will be spending the holidays either at their families' homes or have family coming to stay with them.  I'm gonna try not to get too blunt since this is a bit racy so I need y'all to tap into your slang and use your imaginations.  Ain't trying to get caught in nobody's work spam filter!   

So, reminisce with me on all those mornings waking up after a great sleep, now whether or not you were dreaming about shortie with the fatty from the other night, you wake up with "morning wood".  When you were younger, it let you know you that was a man!  Now that you're older, you just look down and think to yourself, "that just how I do"!  Normally, you trying to slide out of bed without poking your girl's corneas out or skewering her like the chicken those dudes be having after the club at the hot dog stands for $5 bucks a pop and just hit the john for a little good morning "relief"!  But, dammit it all to hell, you forgot you gotta walk past your momma, your 2 little sisters, 3 teenage female cousins and their 4 nieces!!!  We all know it's just a part of nature but pitching a tent in your jammies in front of your 8 year old niece from down South ain't a good look!

Of course, one or two of your youngest female family members happen to wake up just as your getting your cat burglar tip-toe on as you try to sneak into the bathroom before anyone sees.  Here's where the fun part comes in!  You have to simultaneously say your Hellos and Good-Mornings to everyone while pulling your shirt down and out but, wrapping your hands up in it so it more looks like you're cold instead of "ready for action"!  A couple of "It's freezing in heres" usually help your covert operation!  Another move is the "turn your back shuffle slide".  This is when you find some arbitrary ass reason to turn your back to everyone so, they don't see your little solider at attention first thing in the morning!  You about-face to look in the living room mirror, then shuffle slide, shuffle slide past lil' sis, you hit another 180 to pretend like you wanted to look in the kitchen, then shuffle slide, shuffle slide past mom dukes, etc.  The worse has to be when you made it scott-free and then bump into your old ass uncle in the hallway and he immediately glances down at "you" and then up cuz he feels the uncomfortability and looks you straight in the eye! ACKWARD!!!

It's right around the corner, ya'll…NEW YEAR'S EVE!!! And if you've been one year to how I do every year, you know you gotta be there this year!  Christmas hasn't even hit yet so, I won't get all into the nitty-gritty but I will say this.  I got $65 tickets for New Year's Eve!!!  That gets you 2 hour top shelf open bar, passed hors d'oeuvres, champagne toast at midnight, party favors and need I repeat, ALL FOR $65 DOLLARS!!! And at Dirty Disco in the meat-packing district?  And DJ Kaos on the wheels…aight, aight, I'm done…but I do know that's a crazy deal right there!   

If for some reason you're still hesitant, that can only mean you're one of the few who hasn't made it down to Dirty Disco already on a Friday night where I've been rocking for the last couple months and you have no idea how crazy it's gonna be!!!  And the solution is easy, do your self a favor and come out this Friday.  We're even doing a holiday, pre-Christmas party where anyone wearing red or green gets in free b4 midnight!  We're doing Santa give-aways of Knicks tickets and some other goodies and if you're lucky, one of you ladies may get to sit on Keenan Kringle's lap and tell him what you want for Xmas!  Holla if you coming down or just walk to the door and say your on Keenan's list!

Keenan "I Hold It Down Like Gravity" Davis

I'm in St. Maarten y'all...new rant next week!!! My bad y'all...there's just too much going as I've assumed my alter-ego "Young Frequent Flier Miles" I just can't stop and write the full Weekly Rants, Raves and Relevries.

But while being down here, I know what I'll be talking about cuz you just get a different perspective on shit when you get out the country.

Not to brag but, I got a boat to catch...can you say day-trips to St. Baarts?

Till next Thurs...

But the party don't stop...Dirty Disco will still be poppin tonight as my boy Shane will be holding down the bottle for the kid. 14th bet. 7th and 8th. Dirty Disco is truly a good look, y'all. The music, the vibe, the fun! It's all there. We even got open bar specials for those who really trying to drink - $40 everything open bar from 10 – 12 (just let me know if you want that). We got 2 floors, more mainstream and crazy upstairs while it's straight hip hop/reggae/R&B downstairs. We got 2 DJs. We got a beautiful look cuz whatever you trying to bag that night is right there for the taking if your game is right: Black, Asian, Indian, White, Spanish! And that goes for guys and girls! Basically we got some things at Dirty Disco. Hit me if you rolling, I still got them props on the list even while I'm international!

Keenan "Young Frequent Flier Miles" Davis

...trying to graduate to "Young Automatic Seat Upgrade"

We all know that my mind be doing it's own thing half the time which is how I'm able to come up with the crap I feed to y'all week in and week out.  Well that's exactly what happened as I starting wondering, day-dreaming and pontificating about how things came to be.  It's actually an extension of last week's Thanksgiving rave talking about things that are "Seldom Given Thanks" but are great in my opinion.  I was thinking about all the things we do all the time without a second's thought but in reality are kinda bugged and pretty disgusting.  For example, how the hell did we start drinking milk???  I mean think about it!  There was some dude who went up to a cow and starting pulling and kneading on this cow's lady parts until a white fluid came out.  And if that wasn't enough, he thought "Hhhmmm, I sure am thirsty, maybe I'll have a sip!!!"  YUCK!!! Are you kidding me?!?!?  What about that made you think it was ok to drink?!?!?!  Good looking out my dude cuz I love some Little Debbie's Fudge Rounds and a tall glass of milk but, you's a nasty bastard for being the 1^st dude to drink that! 

Who was the 1^st chick to wear a weave?  Half these young ghettos running around in 2007 be looking a hot mess, even with all our technology, money and years to get their weave game tight! Can you imagine what that 1^st bald-headed bee-yotch must've looked like with some horse hair on her head??? LOL LOL! And what about a horse's @ss made her think "I'd like some of that on my dome!!!"  Have you seen a horse lately and all that be going on behind them?  They can't exactly wipe after they do the do (Get it? "do the do" or "do-do" LOL LOL) and as a result their tails are swatting fly after fly all day long. ICK and YUCK!!!

And if I really take it there…what about sex?  If you really think about, it's some pretty nasty @ss things we be doing to each other.  At a minimum, Adam must've gotten Eve tipsy off some apple moonshine and then decided to insert a pretty sensitive part of himself into what basically amounts to an open gash on Eve that bleeds and I'm sure back in those days, smelled pretty horrible!!!  We all know what's it's like to be backed up and horny but, how did that idea pop into that dude's head???  "I know you're smelly and bleeding and all baby but it hard and I don't know what else to do with it!"  And good lord don't let me get on things like "tossing salads" and "sucking toes".  And I'm sure those started in the days before two-ply and quality sole support.  Most of you all's asses and feet smell like trash in this day and age, I can't imagine what types of scents and odors were lurking way back when.  Nowadays it's a different story, I'm down for whatever but, if I lived in yesteryear and my wife would've told me to put that in my mouth back in the day, I would've been the dude who invented spousal abuse!!! 

We're back and better than ever!  Had to take a 1 week hiatus from Dirty Disco as they had some pre-MIH bookings for Thanksgiving weekend.  But, we're back and not leaving you hanging again.  It's gonna be crazy this Friday as we got quite a few birthday parties and y'all know what birthday parties mean: people truly ready to party and Patron shots galore!!!  I always say "A birthday ain't a birthday if you don't throw up" LOL LOL If your friends get you twisted, those are real friends.  Dirty Disco is truly a good look, y'all.  The music, the vibe, the fun…it's all there.  We even got open bar specials for those who really trying to drink - $40 everything open bar from 10 – 12 (just let me know if you want that).  We got 2 floors, more mainstream and crazy upstairs while it's straight hip hop/reggae/R&B downstairs.  We got 2 DJs, my boy DJ L and DJ Commish.  We got a beautiful look cuz whatever you trying to bag that night is right there for the taking if your game is right: Black, Asian, Indian, White, Spanish…and that goes for guys and girls!  Basically we got some things going on at Dirty Disco.  Hit me if you rolling!

Keenan "I Got Sloppy Seconds" Davis

Tis' the season to be thankful and as such I'd like to show some thanks to a couple of things that while loved worldwide, just don't get the recognition they deserve.  There will be no ranting today, simply raving about things that we've all come to love!  These things stand out to me not only because they're fantastic but, also because they were never met to be created.  So out of nothing, I've found something…they're real and they're wonderful!

Sidenote: I'm buying a drink for the 1^st person who knows where that "they're real and they're wonderful" line is from!!!

1)      Cereal Milk – We've all had it.  We've all grown up on it.  For those whom it hasn't clicked for yet, Cereal Milk is what's left after you've had a big bowl of your favorite, be it Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, Rice Krispies, Raisin Bran…you get the picture!  Right after you've had that last spoonful of cereal, there's nothing left but milk flavored with the goodness of your cereal.  You put the spoon down, grab that bowl with both hands and take the Cereal Milk straight to the head!  It's best when you have some of the sweeter cereals like Trix or Fruit Loops but, either way, it don't get no better!

 

2)      Soda Juice – This is when you got a tall glass of your finest carbonated beverage.  I don't get advertising dollars so, I'm saying that it really doesn't matter which one you got, Coke, Pepsi, Sprite, Mountain Dew, Fanta, who cares!  The key here is that something pulls you away from your drink.  Could be you rushing off to the club or your jump-off just got to the door and he or she is ready to get it going (yes, females have men as jump-offs too!!!).  Anyway, you leave your drink and don't get back to it till the next day.  If you're lucky, you got a chance to put it in the fridge cuz Soda Juice is oh so good when chilled.  The point is that by now, your soda has gone flat since it wasn't covered and you have the yumminess of a drink that has the taste of your favorite soda but, goes down smooth like grape juice or red Kool-Aid, without all the bubbles and acid.  Thank you Mr. Soda Juice!  The ultimate in a two-in-one drink!

 

3)      Ham – This one doesn't really fit with my theme so I'll keep it short but, I just love ham.  I always say that pigs were made to be eaten because they have such fat bodies and little legs.  They can't run, you don't see anyone eating cheetah and cheese sandwiches do you???

 

Happy Thanksgiving y'all!  And there's no better way to celebrate it than eating all you can on Thursday and partying with all your family and play cousins at Opus 22 on Friday night.  Yes, I said Opus 22 and NOT Dirty Disco.  We're still doing Dirty Disco every Friday but, before we started there management had a pre-booked party for Thanksgiving weekend.  We're calling it Sweet Potato Pie and it's our 2^nd annual Thanksgiving weekend event as it's huge for partying cuz everyone comes home from college or wherever they moved to for work and wants to do it up in the Big Apple nightlife.  It's 3 of the 4 teams that brought you Wish 26 for the last year and a half on Thursdays afterwork so, you know it's gonna be a problem in there.  We also got Commish on dem wheels of steel so I know I got my two-step, which means I'll be at the bar getting my drink.  Hit me for the guestlist and come early as it will definitely be packed.  Gotta do a quick shout out to bonita Kristen Carter as she's gonna party like it's her birthday (cuz it actually is)

 

Keenan "Does Raving About Food Make Me Fat?" Davis

I'm a day late and a dollar short…well that's not true, been on my grind as of late for that mighty, mighty dollar and that's why the rant is late this week!  But on that same note, that C.R.E.A.M., the cash, that green is the topic of my rant this week.  One of my boys sent around an email earlier this week touting that about the Michael Jordan divorce settlement.  Not sure if y'all knew but, his ex is walking with $168 million!!!  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!  I'm all for the "behind every man is a great woman" hoorah but, get the fuck outta here!!!  She ain't shoot na'an basket, ain't wear near notta pair of Hanes, ain't have nobody wanting to be like Juanita (…well at least not before, every golddigger from here to the Hugh Hefner's mansion paid attention when that news came out earlier this year!) but, she still gets to walk with $168 million!  Come on…she is not the reason Jordan got 6 rings!  She is not the reason he got endorsement deals!  Please do not tell me that his having a wife is the reason he gets all the fame and fortune!  He gets it cuz he's a non-threatening black man who hasn't killed his white wife, drowned any dogs or purchase illegal guns while at the same time being better than anyone who's ever played his sport!!! 

Why is shit like this ok?  I say you leave with what you came with!  If I'm nice, then maybe I'll break you off a little something.  Luckily he's MJ and he'll still be alright!  There was this comedian who once said something to the effect of "If you take half of my loot when I'm making a million, I'll still be alright.  If you take half my loot when I'm making $30K, I might have to kill you"!  And I'm wit it!  Why do I have to pay my wife cuz I don't want to be with her ass anymore!  I gotta pay her to be ok to leave me?  Hell no!  Just go bee-yotch!  What if I married a young, fit, sexpot and now I'm rolling over and seeing a fat, increasingly annoying, trick that slept with half the New York Jets on my dime!  I'll be damned!  No not I!!!  In the words of Jay-Z, "Many chicks wanna put Jigga's fists in cuffs, divorce him and split his bucks. Just because you got good head, I'mma break bread so, you can be livin' it up? Shit, I parts with nothing!!!"  Words to live by!  Can you say "pre-nup"?

I had to get this out today simply because this weekend is crazy!  I got my new weekly party tonight that's getting better every single Friday at Dirty Disco!  Not to sound like a broken record but, it's not your typical party that you're used to, not even your typical MIH party!  We got that Lotus of a couple years ago Sunday night kinda vibe when it's all hip hop, reggae and R&B but, the crowd is so diverse, it's great!  There are three promoters all catering to different crowds but, all people who love to dance and drink and have a good time!  You definitely gotta come out and experience it with me.  And as further enticement, if you hit me back with your full first and last name, it's FREE till 1AM for guys and girls!  And lastly, feel free to pay $40 and have a full premium open bar from 10 – 12!  Or play the cheap drunk role and abuse our vodka open bar from 10 – 11!  I'll say no more! 

Also on Saturday night, we're doing the After-Party for the Columbia Business School BBSA Conference at Pachita (618 W. 46^th bet 10^th and 11^th).  That ultra-sexy spot on the Westside that we shut down annually!  DJ Kaos on the wheels and Keenan on the dance floor…lethal combination!  But, seriously this event is crazy every year as people really like to unwind after the conference and it's literally a who's who of future business movers and shakers!  You can purchase advance tickets here!

Keenan "It's Cheaper To Keep Her" Davis