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The Xenochrist

Elijah Arnold

Last Updated: 11/18/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 23
Sign: Virgo

City: HESPERIA
State: California
Country: US
Signup Date: 8/25/2006

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Thursday, October 08, 2009

I have an idea....
Current mood:

optimistic
Category: Life

Actually I'm full of shit. I really don't have an idea lol...

Anyway a quick question is in order. I'm currently going to school at a community college and majoring in music. I have no idea how much longer it will take me to finish at VVC, but once I'm done I can transfer to a four year university.

Here's part two. With a degree in music, the best possible job I could get (that I can think of ) would be professor at a college. That's seriously all I can think of. That, and possibly an accompanist, depending on the type of music degree I go for. If I go for voice with emphasis on performance I might be able to go somewhere with that. But I can't see myself doing aything else.

Then there's always plan B, which is much simpler, but harder to do. I could just drop school, move to a music rich city (like most of the cities in orange county, which also has an abundance of security jobs) and attempt to make it there. Both plans are flawed, of course, and the second one is definitely less sensible, but its cost effective.

A third option would be to do the second plan, but here, and go to business school for the next two years. This way if music doesn't work out, automatic backup plan enables. I like that idea. I really need to find out how much that school would cost...

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Friday, September 25, 2009

The Final Fight
Current mood:

enthralled
Category: Romance and Relationships

As I sit back and think about what I could say in this little charade, I am for some odd reason reminded of the first line in the Sith code: Peace is a lie; there is only passion. In other words, emotion is what gives you power; the lack of such will only make you weak, as we have seen in one particular example. Since She knows who she is, and she is most likely reading this right now, (because for some reason it would seem she has nothing better to do than spy on my myspace, which I thought was creepy even when we were dating) there's no use hiding it.

So mein herr, it would seem that we have reached an impass. No, no, impass is the wrong word, and so is stalemate, because there's no competition. Accord? No... Agreement? Not in the slightest. Seems the only word I can use to describe this would be the opposite of the last word. Interesting

Either way, we have gotten to a part of our lives where we no longer need each other. At least, I no longer need you. I havent for a while, but now that I know you were an untrustworthy skank from the beginning, somehow the knowledge that you lied to my face makes me feel a whole lot better. I'm not even joking. I wasnt anywhere near as upset as I thought I would be when Sonja told me. I was suprised, of course, because you even lied about lying to me. And I knew you were lying, but i had no way to prove it, so I let it drop.

None of my business? I think not. If you do not recall, we were "Seeing each other" around the time you suddenly decided to stop talking to me for weeks and go on your little sex romp. I believe that qualifies it as my business. And besides, you should know that anything in this particular group of friends doesnt stay secret for long, not something this scandalous. I would have said you did a good job hiding it, but the only reason Sonja didnt know earlier is because I felt sorry for your punk ass. I STILL have the draft. I never deleted it, in case I needed it. Bad idea on my part, I shouldnt have been so nice. But eh, as you always say, karma's a bitch, and you WILL get yours.

The sad part is I'm sure you didnt say that. I'm sure you got that from one of your friends; the same place you get all of your ideas and mannerisms. Your laugh? A whole lot like Luis'. Your chuckle? Natalia's. Some of your sayings belong to those two as well. It's understandable to develop some of the habits of the people you hang around most often, but ALL of the habits? Why do you think, when we lived in the apartment, I would always call you Luis or Natalia? Thats exactly why. Become your OWN person. Develop your OWN ideas and thoughts. I guarantee not only will life be better for you, you may actually become more useful to society than a Radioshack manager. I mean, I have to admit I was the same way. When I was younger. I did what my brothers did, said what my brothers said, because I could, and I had nothing else to go off of. Then I developed my own thoughts and ideas, and now I'm enriching the world (or at least the high desert for now) with my musical talent.

I kept telling you to do something for yourself. Now however, I think I'm just going to encourage you to sit on your ass and do nothing. I looks like you've gained about 10 pounds anyway, from the roundness of your face and the way your clothes werent fitting very well, so I assume you've already got a head start. So keep doing nothing with your life. By the time I'm rich and famous doing what I love to do, you may have just figured out what you LIKE doing, other than fantacizing about having relations with fictional characters. (I'm weird, I know, but seriously?)

I'm not gonna be mean anymore. I'm more than over you, now that I had to obtain the closure you were too much of a chickenshit to give me and end it passively. I can move on, and not feel bad about leaving you in the dust cloud I create on the way. I'd say date someone else, but seeing as how you pick dudes who are married I'd hold off on that. For now, you need to fix you. A lot. Tear down the walls and rebuild. You've got a lt of work on yourself to do before you're ready to face the world. I'd wish you luck, but I'd rather see you fail. I'd say take care of yourself, but if you got shot I'd hope it was fatal. I dont hate you, but I AM disgusted by you. And now that this whole thing is over, I dont need you anymore.

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Wednesday, September 02, 2009

FanFic

The Dreadnaught in orbit above T'Arsis slowed its constant barrage of turbolaser fire as the battle began winding down. Now that most of the infantry had been eradicated, the battle had been left to the Sith and Jedi to finish. Luckily, Jedi Master Ming Tah'Shoo thought with a smile, the Sith were greatly outnumbered. He was deeply troubled though; there seemed to be a massive disturbance in the Force, almost as if someone was draining it of its very existance. One of the Sith maybe?

It didnt take long to get his answer. With barely enough of a flicker in the Force to give an adequate warning, he quickly dodged the sudden slash of a red lightsaber. Calling on the force, he leaped away from his unsen opponent to gain a better vantage point. Landing neatly in a crouching stance, Ming looked around quickly, and found exactly what he was looking for. A muscular, tall alien clad completely in black, weilding a red lightsaber was staring him down at a distance. The evil in his eyes was almost enough to make Ming lose his composure, but he shook himself out of it. Behind him, sitting on the ground chanting, was another Sith. Blast, Ming thought. Battle meditation. He'd only seen it once, and the Jedi had used the technique in a space battle a few years ago. A battle meditator can call on the powers of the Force, and channel it through whomever he pleases, increasing strength and agility. The Jedi had won that battle, and at the time he had hoped he'd never run into a situation where that kind of power can be used against him. Suddenly, it seemed like that was exactly the case.

Slowly rising and taking his lightsaber from his belt, he ignited it and began walking towards the Sith.
"I sense much power in you", Ming said, attempting to stall the inevitable battle.
"And I sense much fear in you." the Sith replied tartly. He was right; Ming could feel the Dark Side flowing savagely through the young warrior. That much power engulfing one person, especially one as young as this man seemed to be, was absolutely terrifying. He knew that this would be his last battle....

There is no emotion, there is peace...

Somehow those words didnt help at all in this case

Turbolaser fire was still falling from the sky. It was then that Ming sprouted an idea. He whipped out his comlink, muttering words so the other coulndt hear, quickening his stride toward the Sith, who was still smiling arrogantly. Ming finished his conversation and put the comlink away, setting off at a dead run toward his enemy. Streatching out to the Force, Ming leaped 2 meters into the air, bringing his lightsaber abou into a slashing motion, and descended upon the Sith. Their battle was fierce; sparks flew as the blades collided against each other. Ming was losing ground rather rapidly because of the Sith's Battle Meditation.

to be continued....

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

What's this? A positive blog?
Current mood:

excited
Category: Life

In reality, I'm one of the most negative people I know. I never usually have anything nice to say to or about anyone or anything. Until recently. Lately my life has been a cesspool of negativity. I've moved 4 times in the last 2 months. My mother kicked me out. I'm in debt up to eyebrows. I'm rapidly losing my short-term memory (at least it feels that way). Being single sucks as usual. I'm driving a car with no registrastion and no insurance. Technically my car doesnt exist. The list goes on. Yet somehow, I've managed to do something I've never done before in a situation like this: stay positive. Despite the ocean of horrible things I'm swimming in, it seems that lately I'm constantly in a good mood. And I'm not getting laid, so I cant make that an excuse. I just fel really good. I've been hanging out with a bunvh of different people lately, from choir folks to play people. I live with people who have been bending over backwards to make me feel at home. It's as if the few good things I have in life completely outweigh the massive amount of bad. It's a concept I'm not used to, but I'm loving it.

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Saturday, May 09, 2009

Trapped in the Wake of a Dream?
Current mood:

blah
Category: Life

You know something I dont understand about people? (big surprise, there's something I dont understand about people) Their abilities to remain completely oblivious. Some people choose to excavate the negativity in their lives, to sit there and pretend it doesnt exist. Fine. Go for it. That doesnt change the fact that it's there. That doesnt change a godamn thing actually. I have nothing against people who choose not to let life get to them. I applaude them for it actually. If I had as much ignorance as you, I'd be a much happier person.

Or maybe I'm being ignorant. I know for a fact that I dont understand people who are constantly happy. "My grandfather has cancer, I owe the government $500,000 in back taxes, I was just in an accident, and now I'm paralyzed and half retarded. But at least Heroes is on tonight!" What IS that? Serisously? I realize how much of an exaggeration this is, but in some cases it's relatively accurate. Hmm. It just makes me almost envy people who have the emotional stability to "block out the bad". If I had this ability, if I wasnt so afraid to be alone with my thoughts....

I guess it's not that I'm afraid. Hell I work alone. I practically live alone, and will be rather soon. I go to concerts alone, I eat alone, I play video games alone. I'm a loner. Wow, there's an off topic realization.... Anyway I think it's that I hate the content of my thoughts. My hatred towards everything and everyone, just because they're alive. My emotional instability in the aftermath of a relationship gone bad. It seems like my well being is going out the window. But I've gotten so angry that I've used logic to outsmart whoever's talking shit to me. Logic is easy for me. I'm good at it. Therefore I feel like I'm smarter than the average person my age, (which in reality, I mean come on. Most people my age cant even spell) therefore giving me a false sense of superiority over the rest of the human race, thus aggravating my hatred for them. Seems like a logical explanation. Get it? Logical explana....

So do I deserve to think so highly of myself? I mean I feel like I have to tell myself I'm better than everyone, because most days I certainly dont feel like it. Hell, usually I feel lower than homeless people. Not to talk down on the homeless, but they're at the bottom of life's chain of events. Am I with them? I mean what redeeming qualities do I have? I can sing, I can play the piano and read music moderately well, I can make up a few rhythms here and there on the bass, and I'm an expert gamer. I'm incredibly good with words, and when I want to be I'm a people person. Based on this information, what use am I to society? Who can I be? What can I be? I know what I want, of course. But with half of the mindless drones in the world telling me how "unrealistic" my career choice is, one cant help but be a little put down by it. Friends, girlfriends, family, loved ones, all have told me how unattainable my goal is. Do I care what they think? If I said no, I'd be lying. But I cant keep letting other people tell me what I can and cant do. There's really only been like two people who have ever told me I can do it. They know who they are (and if they dont, Vanessa and Don, you should.) Hell Don even told me he was gonna move into the mansion I buy. lol

I assume it's human nature to act like an idiot. But are there certain levels to it? I mean is there an acceptable amount of idiocy to tolerate before I'm allowed to assume that I'm better than said idiot? Of course I always tell people never to assume, because in most people's cases, and especially when they're making an assumption about me, 80% of the time they're wrong. (The sad thing is, if I actually looked up the percentage I would most likely be right. ) But where does the line get drawn? Am I really better than most people or am I just drowning myself in this self-created illusion of superiority? I know there are people who are better than me at certain things. Some people may be better than me at everything. But I havent met them. At all. And I dont think I ever will. I dont know.. Just something I was thinking of

Currently listening:
This Machine Runs on Empty
By Bloodjinn
Release date: 2007-03-06

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Monday, April 13, 2009

You're wrong.

Ok, so lately people have been trying to tell me that it's easy to blame my job for everything when so many things are going wrong in life. In my case, I believe my job is a majority of the problems, not just one of them.
Yesterday, the GM pulled me aside. He said apparently people have been complaining that I"m talking shit and putting the other projectionists down. Bullshit. Apparently I've been saying how much better I am than all the other projectionists. Bullshit. And apparently, I'm also a fucking Nazi. BULLSHIT! As I've said to so many people in the past, I'm the most experieced projectionist at my job. No one knows more than I do, and I'm proud of that fact. I like doing my job, that isnt the problem. It's the people I have to do my job WITH that are unbearable. The managers are neanderthals,the supervisors are lazy, most of the floor staff havent even finished high school, and the projectionists are just getting ridiculous!! I'd be much happier if I didnt have to deal with those people, like seriously. Gabe (the GM) wont even give me the time off for the play I told him I was in MULTIPLE TIMES. Ugh.... so tired of this shit.

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Sunday, April 12, 2009

Demise
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

He sat alone at his desk, starting. Just staring. Not at anything in particular either, he was just trying to fight off his thoughts. It seemed that there was no reason for him to live anymore. At least that was what the dark part of his mind was telling him. He couldnt help but believe it. His job was a joke. His friends thought he was a loser. The woman he loved had left him for the man she liked, who also happened to be one of his friends. His car was falling apart. He had no money, rent was late, his refrigerator was empty, and the electric company was going to turn the power off tomorrow. Life was giving him a low blow with every step he took. Why shouldnt he do it? No one would miss him. Hell no one would even know he was gone
The scissors in his hand woke him from his daze, and restarted the mindless task of cutting up pieces of paper. There was no purpose to this, other than to keep his hands busy. As he cut the pieces smaller and smaller, his mind wandered and once again mulled over the thought of ending his life. Out of nowhere, the thought of taking the scissors and slashing them across his throat consumed his daydream. When the thought was over, he felt a tension in the arm holding the blades. Almost, no, exactly as if a spectre of his arm had taken the scissors and stabbed them into his neck. Oddly enough, this didnt surprise him. In fact it excited him. Strange as it was, he was almost glad to have such an odd feeling. It made him feel alive.
He didnt fear death now. All his life, the thought of it had always been a scary one, forever creeping in the back of his mind, waiting to show itself. Now that it had, it was definitely a welcome burden. Why, he wasnt sure.
Tiny bits of paper were now strewn all over the area around his desk. He'd been at it for hours now, his conciousness unaware of the amount of time that had gone by. After much deliberation, he had decided to do it. He had his method, the note was written, although it was short. He'd cut up most of the paper on his desk, so there wasnt a whole lot left. It wasnt a big deal; he didnt have a lot to say to anyone anyway.
Rising from his chair, he went into his bedroom. In the closet was his weapon of choice, a Colt .45 handgun. Checking to make sure it was loaded, he sat on his bed, thoughtfully staring at his handgun. He was shaking now, not afraid of the death, but the pain. Hopefully it would be quick. Turning the safety off, he put the barrel of the gun into his mouth; his thumb on the trigger. Tears were now flowing in cascades, devastated that this had become his last resort. His thumb had the trigger half depressed, ready to go off at even the slightest movement. This was it. This was the end. As the cold gun touched his tongue, a thought suddenly crossed the malignancy filling his mind: this is a bad idea. How had he not seen this before? There is so much more he could've done!
Out of nowhere there was a knock at the door. The sound startled him, and the gun was still in his mouth, thumb ready to fire. And as the knocking came, that's exactly what the gun did.

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Saturday, April 11, 2009

Same 'ol same 'ol
Category: Life

Funny... seems every time I'm here, I'm complaining. I just feel like I have no one, you know? Like none of my friends actually care if I'm having issues. Sure, they're the same issues over and over again, but that doesnt mean they dont bother me. I dont LIKE having these thoughts....
I was talking to Jessica the other night. God, you know after all we've been through I've turned her into a heartless zombie. I'm both proud and disappointed in myself for such an accomplishment. I always tell myself I'm over her. I stress over finding someone else and using them to erase our memories. And when I dont I become...depressed. I'm a horrible fucking person....
Anyway, I was talking to her the other night, (cuz I was drunk and...emotional) and she pointed some things out about myself that I didnt really notice before. For instance my opinion of everyone. It's true, I think everyone in the world around me is in no way intelligent, or at least as intelligent as me. So I put myself up on this pedestal, and therefore push myself away from the commonfolk. Only problem is I'm looking for a REAL friend, someone I can call and talk to about shit that I'm going through at any given moment. And apparently pushing people away because of their total lack of common sense isnt a good thing. But what if everyone on earth IS just stupid? I know, in reality, that this is FAR from the case, but what if, you know? People do stupid things, ask stupid question, say stupid shit. And it pisses me off, thus inviting my "everyone in the world is stupid" theory.
Sometimes I wonder what happened to me. I used to be so....happy. I used to be a relatively positive person. Now my world is so...dark. And I'm absoultely not willing to change it. Well, I kinda am. It seems that my life is consumed with wanting. I want to get a better job, a better living situation, a better car, better emotional stability. I just dont know how to obtain these things. I mean the material things are easy to plan for, but what of everything else? How do I stabilize myself mentally? Emotionally? Overall I just want to be loved. To know that I'm cared for and about. I'm sure there's someone out there who does, but they dont tell me....
You know I'm almost abosultely sure all this negativity comes from my job. My job is making me dislike EVERYTHING! I hate my job, I hate my roommates, I hate this apartment, I hate never having money, I hate never having time, I hate not relaxing, I hate having no real friends.... I dont know what to do anymore! I want a friend. Someone to guide me, you know? *sigh*...

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Sunday, February 15, 2009

A musical comparison
Current mood:

annoyed
Category: Music

Change is always a good thing. Well, almost always. In most cases, change represents a positive thing. Some people like it. But when it comes to music, a lot of people dont. Which is sad. Additions, however, vary from good to bad to terrible.

The additions I'm going to talk about today, are the additions of guiutar solos into into bands that didnt ordinarily have (or need) them. The bands in question: Mudvayne and Static-X.
Since the late 90's Static-X has been destroying the music industry with its techno-influenced metal music. Its simple, rhythm-based riffs, usually constructed of only one or two chords, have been a fan favorite for some time. Over the years, they're rhythms have become better, some faster, some more complicated, no matter how identical they are from previous albums they're always somehow different.
With Static-X's last effort, Cannibal, the band tries something they've never done before, guitar solos. Guitarist Koichi Fukuda, who had previously left the band for an absence of about 2 albums, returned to the spotlight, and this time with some badass shredding skills. Not only do his solos fit well into the songs, ranging from amazing to simply strange, but they sound well thought out and are executed beautifully, even at their live performances. Infamous guitarist Johnny 5 helped out with a lot of the instrumentation which explains their amazingness. Overall, solos in this album are simply phenominal. Well thought out, well orchestrated, well played, and most of all, they work!
Lyrically, static-X is kinda like a heavier System Of A Down. A lot of the lyrics dont make a lot of sense, and the ones that do are just strange. Like this one off of their album Wisconsin Death Trip: 'I've always loved you, Love Dumpling. Your shit's like chocolate cake and your ass smells like a rose. I really hate . you, Love Dumpling. Now my bowel's aching.' See? Not much sense in that. But its funny. And usually funny is memorable.
Mudvayne, on the other hand, doesnt do so well. At all.
Mudvayne also added solos to their latest effort, The New Game. And I must say that not only am I disgusted that they would even attempt such a thing with as technical as their music already is (or was, really) I'm incredibly disappointed that they've simplified their music so ridiculously that they HAD to add solos to make up for its lameness. And it doesnt stop. The solos are TERRIBLE!!! I think Greg Tribbet (the guitarist) spent waaaaay too much time with HellYeah, a band with solos. Relatively good solos, considering the southern rock sound the band. They dont, however, fit in with Mudvayne. There has never been a solo in Mudvayne, with the exception of bass solos, and those dont even qualify. They're mostly leads. In fact they're all leads! Its just plain ridiculous.
And dont even get me STARTED on the lyrics on this album. 'My heart is jaded, but I still love. My cup is empty but I still pour.' WTF is that? Is mudvayne an emo band now? I mean seriously thats pathetic. Chad Grey goes from singing about death, life, and everything in betweeen on L.D.50, to singing about parties and shit in HellYeah, to whining about how he was never enough for some bitch? What....THE fuck? Ugh....

In conclusion, we see that additions are a good thing, but ONLY if they're well thought out and it goes with the style of music you play. Mudvayne never needed solos, and they have them now, which is sad. Ugh...

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Saturday, January 24, 2009

SO annoying
Current mood:

pissed off
Category: Friends

You know what angers me? The fact that this generation of kids doesnt seem to know how to act
I mean my generation of people my age, they all seem to act like children! All this "he said, she said" bullshit, the locking yourself in your room, and more recently the sudden excommunications, its all shit that should have been done and over with when we were teenagers. It may have just been the way I was raised, but being black in a white family makes you notice things. It makes you very attentive of your surroundings and the people in them. So you tend to watch the actions of everyone else and compare them to your own. Strange as it is, it's true for me. My mother would have murdered me, quite literally for the way most of my friends hve been acting lately. The back stabbing, the in-fighting, the lying, the name calling, the empty threats. GROW THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!! Most of you retards are in your fucking twenties. There's no reason for you to be crying over video games, playing "he said, she said" or randomly excommunicating friends for NO FUCKING REASON. GROW...THE FUCK....UP!! We're not in high school anymore. I never went to a real high school, so I never did this shit. But all of my friends did. And all of my friends are doing this shit. Fucking stop it. Geez....

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What's This Life For?
Category: Life

I'm laying here in bed, typing out a quick blog on my phone at 5:45 in the morning. I woke up over an hour ago and cant go back to sleep. I have to be awake in three hours to go to work, and I've just been laying here thinking of thing... Lately I've been learning a lot of things about myself. If anything I cant trust a woman farther than I can throw her, let alone anyone else. Trust is something I deeply value, and I tell everyone I'm close to about my belief. Seems it all goes over their heads.... I've been wondering what I'm really here for. God put me here for a reason, but what is it? For years I've been telling myself I'm gonna be a musician, but I was thinking this morning, what if I'm supposed to do something else? What else could I possibly be good at that would benefit me or ithers? Am I supposed to take my singing voice to new levels, or am I supposed to excell in an as-yet-unforseen career that will skyrocket my wallet as well as my life? There seems to be no answer for this question... Chase also kinda blindsided me with a revalatiin that may or may nit be true. He said I become hopelessly attached to women to fill a void that has been there since early childhood. And of course once that void is filled, no one wants it to be empty again, so the result is hopeless attachment. When that void inevitably empties, instability ensues. It's pretty muvh nail on the head. I've always been an attention whore, but not in an 'I want the spotlight on me all the time' kind of way, just a 'what about me' way. I dunno, maybe I'm just dating the wring girls. I make thr honest ones lie to my face and the liars llie more... I'm si tired of this......

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Radical Misjudgement of Character
Current mood:

bummed
Category: Life

Ever had a violent mood swing? I dont think I havee. I have near perfect control of every emotion but my anger, and lately I've been having trouble controlling it. Anyway, I've never had a violent mood swing, but she did. I dont know why, and now I dont care. Dude I wanted to use her bathroom and she got pissy. I asked her whats wrong and she said she didnt wanna talk about it. I broke things off and she pretty much said "oh well". Something is wrong with her. Something thats eating away at her and she just doesnt want to tell me. However now she wont have a chance to. I'm done. I'm sick of wasting my time on someone who wont ddo their part to make this work. I'm through breaking my back trying to make an unappreciative little girl smile when she feels like shit. Yeah, she says thank you, but words have never been more hollow. I'm done being her shoulder to cry on that she never uses. My attentions can be used elsewhere.

It hurts though, the shit she said to me today. I dont think I've been this hurt since..Raynisha. And that takes some effort, let me tell you. It was so...easy for her to admit to not giving a shit. I dont understand why, but it seemed like taking candy from a baby. Does she really just not care? Not like it matters anymore. Maybe in a few weeks we can be friends but nothing more, never again.....

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Drowned and Torn Asunder
Current mood:

distraught
Category: Life

I'm always talking about how when life gets me down, it'll get better. And it usually does. So either its taking a ridiculously long time to work its magic, or life is simply not getting better. My financial situation, much like my music theory grades, seems to be getting progressively worse. My grades not by much, just a few percentages here and there. But money is getting real tight, real quick. I keep coming up with ideas, new job, title loan on my car, bank loans... Buyt I'm either not qualified, cant make the payments, or no one is hiring.

At least I have one good thing going for me. College Singers is going well. We have several concerts coming up, and I'm excited to sing them. However singing wont dig me out of this hole I'm in. Or...will it?

Anyway, the military is looking better and better every second, and I hate the military. I'd rather talk to my dad about it though. My mom just did a lot of talking about how much she enjoyed the coast guard. My dad may actually tell me what the pro's and con's are, seeing as how we was a lieutenant in the marines. So I suppose I could talk to him, to figure out whether or not it would be good for me. Hmm...

Ya know, if anything I'm kinda proud of myself. Most people in my situation would give up, sit on the couch and let life run over them, but I keep coming up with ideas, no matter how lame they may be. I'm always brainstorming. I may feel like I've given up, but my subconcious would like to believe otherwise.

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Saturday, October 25, 2008

Like (Sucks)
Current mood:

depressed
Category: Podcast

I'm so sick of this shit dude.

I mean its friday night and it seems like all of my friends except a few are out partying, and I'm stuck at home. Its annoying.

I feel like I'm in this hole, you know? Like I'm just as far down as I can get without killing myself. And yes, I know it could be a lot worse, I could be thousands of dollars in debt, homeless, and alone. Hell I'm already alone, at least I feel that way. I know I'm not in reality, my friends are there for me. But still I feel like everything I want from life is missing, even the simple things. There is seriously something wrong with every girl I've dated recently. Too needy, not needy enough, crazy, obsessive, and more recently 'not ready'. No, I dont need a girl in my life to be happy, but it would be nice. Fuck the things I ask are so simple, why must everyone make them so hard? I mean all I want to do is spend some fucking time with the girl. Most women have to beg their men for that, but I throw it on the table every damn day and what do I get? Cancelled plans, angry text messages and a lot of voicemail convo's. (And if I get ANY angry, upset, or sarcastic messages pertaining to these statements consider yourselves excommunicated. Except Vanessa. She's had to stomach more of my frustration than a punching bag at an anger managment convention.)

Then there's money. I never have any, so I can never go anywhere or do anything. I can never go out and do things, cuz my money is always gone. ALWAYS!!! It severly limits what I can and cant do. I fucking hate it. When does shit get better? I mean really. I work hard, I'm nice to people, I give hobo's my spare change all the time, when is it my turn? When is God gonna say ' I'm done screwing with this guy. It's time he got something in return'?

Did you know I never drink out of depression? I've done it, and it hardly works. It usually only amplifies the problem, and the emotions it causes. However I'm doing it. Right now in fact. I just slammed liked a 10th of vodka. Not healthy, but it works for someone who feels like I do.

And I feel so left out. Everyone seems happy but me. Maybe I'm imagining things, in fact the odds of that are probably about 2 to 1. But it doesnt change the fact that I still FEEL this way. Its horrible. I was gonna say 'now I know how Jessica feels', but I'd be wrong. I'm glad she finally got the courage to hate me. I must admit the ending of our tour was a little on the negative side. But I dont regret it. That woman drove me insane!

Look at my life now. Shitty job, no girlfriend, I live with my mom, my car is falling apart and the amount its costing to fix it increases steadily as the months go by. The girl I want isn't ready, my boss is always yelling at me for other people's fuck ups, I'm broke 24/7.... What went so wrong? This would all be so different if I had a better job. I applied at Christie Digital tonight. Those guys start at $40,000 a year. Thats over $3,000 a month TO START!!! I've got more knowledge in digital projectors that (literally) everyone in the high desert, so its quite possible that I could get a good job there. I think only then will I be able to get the life I want. The life I deserve. CAsh cars and bitches come with the musical territory lol but until I hit that horizon I'm just gonna go with the hope, dream, and fleeting prayer that I can get a job with Christie.

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Life As Of September 23, 2008
Category: Life

Well not much has changed since I moved out of that apartment. Actually thats a lie. I've decided to go back to school, even though I still dont like VVC much. I may go to that computer school after the semester is over... Anyway life hasnt been too bad over here. I'd really love my privacy back, I'm so used to fending for myself that having someone there for me is odd. I'm liking the whole not paying rent thing, but I'd gladly do it again to get back out there on my own.

I've been hanging out with Don a lot more. Since that little spat we had a few months back things have been going rather well. In fact I've been hanging out with all of my friends more. Even Austin lol.

So I figured enough time had passed for me and it was time to start dating again. I went on several dates and fucked around for a little while. Right when it reached its peak I came back in contact with Sarah, a girl I've known for about 6 and a half years now. I met her when I was in the scouts. She was one of the Scoutmasters' daughters. Long story short, I've liked her the whole time. She came to my birthday party (which was pretty badass by the way) and she admitted she liked me the whole time too. WTF? Anyway we've just been sort dating since then. We're not together yet, but give it time. =-)

Work has been.... ridiculous. Rumors fly from left to right, so I cant even trust anyone. I used to be downstairs a lot talking to me, but ever since that little Josh incident I cant talk to half of the people I used to. So I stay upstairs and mind my own fucking business. Blah!!! Plus we've cut hours hardcore so not I only get like 25 hours a week. My last check only had 31 hours on it. Money is pretty tight, especially since I have to pay dad back that $1350 I still owe him for fixing my car. Damnit....

Overall life isnt horrible at all. I'm livin, and likin it

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