That I cant make anything change.

That i cant change what has happened and what he and I have become. I cant ever make him love me more than a friend, and i know that i will always have a special place in my heart just for him. It hurts to know that he cares, and i am not exactly shore whats better, him wanting to associate with me, or him wanting to leave me alone. Sometimes I think it would be better if he hated me, and other times I think its great that he does like me and does want to talk to me. I made alot of mistakes last year with friends and boyfriends. I picked the wrong one, who seemed exactly like the right one. He had been hurt and so had I so I automatically built up a huge trust with him, that he really did not deserve. I'm sick of feeling and actully knowing that I cant do this anymore. I'm sick of slapping on a happy face and making everyone think i give a flying fuck about my life. I dont. And it sucks. When i was grounded for two months it was the most miserable time of my life. I lost my phone, my freedom, my everything, and my boy. But i wish i could go back to that, because for the first part of it, I had that boy that was willing to do anything for me, anything to see me, anything to be apart of me, and who i was. My friends are fake, i can see right thrue most of them. My real friends make an effort to make shore i'm ok, even if they hate me now for some reason. I miss this summer alot, I miss myself alot. I lost myself along the way.
Alot of people have fucked me over, alot of people i dont care about anymore, alot of motherfuckers could die right now, and i wouldnt even think about caring, because they are assholes who have no use in this world. Dont get me wrong i care about alot of you, i care about you if i tagged you in this. I may not have hungout with you alot, but you have done something to make me respect you and like you. Im soooooo glad i have you wonderful people making my existence a little more pleasurable. Without you guys i would probobly be laying face down in a river somewhere. I miss alot of my old friends, ones I used to have in like fucking 3rd grade and shit, but you all have changed and either work at fucking mcdonalds or sonic. I still remember walking down the road with josh and kenan and going to eat icecream and sitting on my curb and them trying to teach me how to skate, then me fucking flipping off of a ramp and crushing my face on the ground. Good times Good times.

I'm doing pretty well in school, getting good grades and fucking finally getting my shit together. Yeah shore i got a couple o.s.s's and some detentions but that wont stop me, he he. I'm writing my dad alot also, my mom doesnt like it but she respects it. He is still in jail but at least i'm getting my closer and parts of my life together finally. Cassi is still in rehab, no i dont know when she'll be out, yes when she is out she'll probobly be in some deep shit with her mom. BTW is her mom calling any of you and yelling at you for making bad decisions? She is me, and its weird. Hehe.

My life is starting to get into order, i decided to leave boys behind for now and get my shit together...unless they are really cute and nice teehee. But for now i guess its good. I'm also sick of people making up pathetic rumors about me and my friends. I didnt have sex with R.J, and Jeff didnt makeout with Collin or whoever the fuck he is. But hey think what you want its whatever i personally dont really give a fuck, but it does piss me off that dumbass's make up things such as that.

well i think im done rambling on about meaningless things and such, but hey isnt thats what this shit is for? So as long as you fuckers are happy, Me being the fucker that i am, is happy also.