It’s been a long hard road to get through one round, but here I am! First I want to thank Jesus, and then God, in that order, then my mama, then my baby mama, then my baby mama mama for makin an ass like that...

So yea, there’s a website called rooftopcomedy.com that is sponsoring a nation wide college comedy competition. It’s the Rooftopcomedy.com College Comedy Competition, or the RoToCoCoCoCoCo.

32 schools are chosen, and the first round the students compete for a place among 8 winners who then move on to the next round, then that school goes on to BATTLE another school’s 8 person "team", and from there only 1 out of 16 people wins and gets flown to Aspen, CO for mo’ money and, unfortunately, mo’ problems. And maybe mo’ bitches. Maybe also Mo’Nique, if we’re lucky. (So, it’s a RoToCoCoCoCoCo to get to CO for MoMoMoMo)

So now that I, in technical terms, totally powned at the Emerson round, I’ll be performing with Emerson against Brown, that school that recently got a 2.8 billion dollar endowment - I’ve got a 8.5 endowment for them right here! (In this case, I’m using the word "endowment" to mean both money provided to a school, and the size of my genitals for comic effect). Zing! I think I’m ready.

The competition is decided by a mix of votes from qualified judges and severely unqualified audience members. The judges votes count for more than the audience to make up the difference, but audience vote still plays a big role in it. One of the problems with Emerson having a tight knit comedy community is that my "fans" at the school are also the fans of the 7 other semi-finalists, and probably have loyalty to other people who have treated them like human beings over the last 2 years rather than immature queer street trash like I tend to treat everyone here.

In other words
If anyone can make it up to Boston on TUESDAY (i know, esh) APRIL 8th at the Comedy Connection to support me in this competition that could be my ticket outta this queer factory of homos and into Hollywood!, that’d be awesome.

Let me know if you can, or even if you can’t or won’t, but still want to boost my ego by telling me I’ll definitely win even without friends in the audience.

http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/events/college/schools/emerson

(I don’t think I’ve posted this before...)

 

So I was in Brooks Pharmacy and witnessed what I think is the funniest and saddest conversation that two co-workers could have, in the most perfect way. There were two women working, one at the register on one side of the store and one at the photo developing station on the other side of the room. They force conversation despite the distance.

Woman 1: So, Pam, how was your weekend?
Woman 2: Same.
Woman 1: Same old stuff, hm?
Woman 2: Yep. It never changes ever, Donna.
Woman 1: Huh? Who?
Woman 2: Oh... sorry, Melanie.

I spent a lot of my time this weekend while at home at Starbucks because it somehow is the only place in Fairfield where I like doing work. The primary reason for not going to a hipper indie place like Las Vetas is because it’s constantly overrun by screaming, overconfident, endlessly annoying pre-teens and teens.
Little did I realize, but really should have known, that Starbucks, being the hub for douchebags, would attract just as many undesirable study buddies.
But I digress.

A few kids, after stomping their way up the stairs to the lounge section, and stomping their way through the lounge section, sat down in the area closest to me, continued stomping their feet while sitting down, until one kid said,
"I wanna have sex in Starbucks!!"
He said it in the kind of way that young teens always say stuff about sex, without acknowledgment that there should be any reason a square, adult onlooker would think it both improbable and immature that a young boy would be blurting things out about sex, and completely unaware that his overcompensating amount of effort to impress was painfully obvious.
It was great because it seems to me to imply that he makes lists of places, public places that he would, as a 12-16 year old (it’s hard to tell), like to have sex. And it also implies that he’s had sex, that he has sex, and is experienced enough to need a fresh new location for a change of pace.
I heard this, because he said it very loudly because he wanted it to be heard because he is overconfident in how mature and how funny he thinks he is, and I immediately took my headphones off to hear the rest of what they were going to say.
Then one kid (who I recognize) said softly to his friends "that guy works at Media Wave!"
and they stopped talking about sex and continued stomping their feet.



Also, the woman across from me was reading something from a book to her friend, and came across the word "dubious", and said "Dubious? What the hell is that?"
her friend shrugged, and the woman looked in the back of the book for, I guess, a glossary. Then she said "it doesn’t say. Dubious. I don’t know. What the hell is that?"

now, I often don’t know the meaning of words, but it was the looking for a definition or a glossary, (assuming the word was so obscure it would require definition for enough people to need a glossary, or that a book such as the one she was reading would have a glossary at all,) that really got me.

i don't know if i posted this or not
but, here's an awesome example of creativity in action

Move over, R Kelly's Real Talk.
We finally have the female side of the battle, articulated with the craft and precision expected from someone named Riskay

or
http://www.youtube.com/v/8VhPHtKinmA&rel=1

80s SONGS I WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP JOKING ABOUT BEING PORN MOVIE TITLES

-Come On Eileen

-Whip It

-Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

-She Works Hard For The Money

-Rock Me Amadeus

-All Night Long

80s SONGS THAT ARE NEVER JOKED ABOUT BEING PORN MOVIE TITLES BUT SHOULD BE

-When Doves Cry

-The Safety Dance

-Walk Like An Egyptian

-Stand And Deliver

-Mirror In The Bathroom

-Hit Me With Your Best Shot

-Father Figure

-Sister Christian

-Ebony & Ivory

-Eye of the Tiger

-Time After Time

-Ghostbusters

-That's What Friends Are For

-Sledgehammer

-Papa Don't Preach

-Rapper's Delight

-Do You Really Want To Hurt Me

-Pass The Dutchie

-Candle In The Wind

-Invisible Touch (this would of course be about ghost sex)

-Get Outta My Dreams (Into My Car)

-The End of Innocence

 -Do They Know It's Christmas

I've been back in CT on vacation for a couple weeks and had to resort to working during my break (gross, right?). During my absence from The Wave, a lot of interesting titles have found their way into our vast catalog of movies. The other day, as part of my responsibility as a knowledgeable staff member (no homo), I started familiarizing myself with some of the more interesting ones. In other words, I've been riffling through Media Wave's "Mature" section.
The mature section is made up of a nauseating(ly awesome!) amount of Anime porn (which itself ranges from school girl fantasy to cyber-monster-demon-robot-tentacle-slug penis-violent-rape school girl fantasy), to Girls Gone Wild and many even lower budget knock-offs like Girls Going Crazy, to fairly tame Playboy DVD's like "The Women of Starbucks"
(Warning: Contents REALLY Hot!),
and finally, to 1970's porn. The real deal. The long hard truth. The days when men had mustaches and women rode them.
I stumbled upon this:



"The Italian Stallion" is where the world got it's first glimpse at Sylvester Stallone, who, like Schwarzenegger, knew the best way to a career in action blockbuster films and/or politics was through orgies. It was originally called "Party at Kitty and Stud's" (definitely a better title), but later changed it to "The Italian Stallion" to cash in on the main actor's success years later with "Rocky". It has also been called "Cocky". For real.
Stallone stars as Stud. Obv.

Here is the trailer for it, which is pretty amazing.


This makes me wish that porn was still a theatrical thing, more like the 70's when a community of people over 18 could go to the cinema and enjoy watching naked people covered in hair, and maybe, if they're lucky, one of those naked people will be a rising action star.
It also makes me wish Stallone would continue his trend of making long overdue (or long expired) sequels to his movies. How great would "Party at Kitty and Stud's 2: Stud's Requiem" be? "Italian Stallion 2: Italian Sausage Party". Oh well.

The Post is notorious for their ridiculously shameless headlines that tend to be more like bad punch-lines and puns than news headlines. My last favorite was "NYPD JEW", a pun on the TV show in a story about the first hasidic jew in the NYPD.
Now they've gone even what I thought they were capable of with the best/worst joke-turned headline I've ever seen

All I can say is I wish I had thought of it first.

*for those that don't know, Ike Turner, formally married to Tina Turner, is one of the most famous wife-beaters in America, a real OG, who died recently.

And then also I wanted to share this hilarious campaign ad about how illegal Latino immigrants rape children.



(both these things I stole from feministing.org, a website i found while i was, you know, looking for porn)

Subtle. Appropriate.

"During this period his fascination with chess distressed his first wife so much that she glued his pieces to the board, which possibly contributed to their divorce four months later."




That's just a whole group of things that don't usually add up. I'm giggling to myself imaging how this scene would play out.

All in one glorious day, two signs appeared before me carrying with their existence the uplifting good news of hope, a message that said to me "life IS worth living!"
This message was in the same vein as the best bathroom wall graffiti which said "No matter how bad life gets, there's always titties." The signs were the kind of thing that make you glad to be alive.

The first one appeared to me on the subway:



I can't begin to speculate the meaning of this, or whether or not it was written by one person or if the "DAD" part was later added by a hilarious subway rider. These are the kinds of questions in life that are unanswerable for a reason.

Then, when I got home, there was a note (the best note I've ever received) taped to my front door that said
"NOTICE:
I will be out to sea until 12-10-07. For problems best to use e-mail
-Landlord"

I've waited my entire life to get a notice telling me that someone is out to sea. I couldn't believe my eyes. So awesome.
My main question, though, is how he checks his email while at sea. And even if he could, what good would it do?

I'm now just waiting for the next note that says
"NOTICE:
Married to the sea. Send rent through email. Farewell, landlubbers"

Added humor to this is that my landlord is sort of a coke-fueled gym enthusiast. He once told my roommate that he had just come from the gym, and was on his way back, and planned to go two or three more times before the end of the day.
Also, he does weird things like when the light in our kitchen went out, which is one of those really long bulbs with a big rectangular case, he "fixed" it simply by tacking on a small circular light, the complete opposite of the kind of light that needed to be fixed. I can't explain it, so here is a picture. It looks ridiculous, doesn't it?

We're just waiting for that thing to fall off and kill one of us.

YouTube comments are amazing. It's maybe the one (or at least the best) place to find people so completely stupid and angry that their hatred makes absolutely no sense

Here is my favorite comment of the moment, from a video of a young white kid playing guitar hero with his back turned to the screen. This is mildly impressive, if you even care at all. This is how people respond:

dumkidd187:
"haha gay faggot u got it in the mirror u nigga"

Ok, let's start with the person's chosen online name: dumkidd187. That says it all, doesn't it? He took the d from "dumb" and added it to "kid", an interesting choice. Then, just for the hell of it, because he's probably really bad ass, he picked 187 for the number, because he fully endorses murder I'm sure.
Then, without using any punctuation whatsoever, he laughs first and calls either him or the video itself gay and or a faggot (is it supposed to read "haha. gay! faggot, u got it..." or "haha. gay faggot! u got it..."), followed by his own valuable insight on how the video was made (which is not true), and then calls him a "nigga", which the kid is clearly not. (though maybe it's saying "u got it in the mirror. u nigga?") Though arbitrarily calling a random white person a "nigga" isn't really an insult.

There is another comment on this video which aims to make a similar point:

"haha there is a mirrio he thinks he is so cool when he si a fag in real life he is probably a fsg from fucking texas"

again with the "haha" to start, and the complete lack of punctuation and even the smallest attempt to spell anything, including his insults, correctly.
apparently, the kid in the video has been mistakingly going through life with the ridiculous notion that he is so cool, when all the while he needed only to watch himself on video to see that he is, in reality, a total fag.
BUT he isn't just any old fag. It is highly probable that he is one of those fsgs from fucking texas, you know the kind. That particular breed of fsg who think they're so cool and interrupt their gay fag fucking only to post videos of themselves doing gay shit like playing guitar hero in fucking texas. What a fsg! He's probably black, too.

Then also let's keep in mind these people are taking their own time out to comment on a video of some kid playing Guitar Hero. What a waste of time that is. Obviously the kid already knows he's a faggot! dumkidd187, don't waste your talents when there are so many others total "gay faggot niggas" on YouTube who are completely unaware.

I love YouTube.