Who knows why, but recently... things have been, weird. Im not me. Im sick of it. No one knows except for me and its killing me slowly. Ive listened to this song again and again and again, just because it puts the way I feel in words. Theres a difference from dying, and dying on the inside. The second one is way worse. The first one comes and you face it. The second one will eat your soul, your mind, your life, all from behind closed doors. It takes you over, you do things, that arnt based on what or who you are. I gotta get out of this hole Im in, but I have no idea how. Now listen to my song...

It's too late the time has come
I've kept this inside me for way too long
Silence will leave me cold
Lost on a highway that never takes me home

I want to step aside
I want to give it up
Before I lose it all
It's tearing me inside
The way you break me down

Oh there will come a time
When I will come undone
And you will let me fall
I'll leave it all behind
Before you break me down

The weight of a thousand lies
Promises broken haunt me all the time
You say that you're sure to change
But that black heart reveals that
You'll always stay the same

I realize
Forgiveness
Is calling
It's calling

I've denied
The reason
I'm falling
I'm falling

So let go

Yesterday, Sam came over to my house at 11:30. We printed a map off of mapquest to Bear Lake which is in North Eastern Portage county. My brother had told me that this was a cool dive, and I had never been there so i wanted to see what it was all about. we got there, and the water was clear, with a thin line of lilly pads about 25 feet out. Sam and i got out past it, and we split up. the water past the lilly pads was about 12-15 feet deep. with the thermocline at about 17-20 feet. for the most part the water was nice and warm, but i didnt do much diving cause of how cold the water was down below. for the most part we saw big crappies 5-12" small to big bluegills 2-6". on many ocasions i saw very small small mouth bass, no bigger than 4". i saw a school of largemouth bass fry about 1/2" and about 5,000 strong? you could get inside it, and not be able to see the edges anywhere. i also saw the biggest largemouth bass ive ever seen. he came right up to sam, wasnt afraid at all. he came to check me out next, but a gentle prod with the tip of my spear let him know that i wasnt afraid of him either. sam shot the biggest fish of the day at 10" (crappie) and i shot the smallest at 5"(bluegill) . i shot the most with 5, sam shot 3, one of which was really small, and got cut into pieces by the three-pronged spear he was using. we spent a total of 3 and 1/2 hours in the lake, and ate the fish later that day.

i asked my mom the other day what she thought death was like. she told me that once she walked into a bar in 1968, and there were a lot of vietnam vets in there. she said the room smelled like smoke, beer, and penuts. the song white room, was playing, and in the corner there were a couple of people playing pool. she sat down, and the subject came up. she said that when you died, she thought that a relative that had passed on before you would come and gently pick you up, letting you know that it was okay. a guy in the corner stood up and said: thats bs. when you die, you scream for your mother, you grab your stomach and try to hold your guts in.

As some of you may know the crocodile hunter is dead. Steve Irwin was my hero. He was the best at what he did, and now I intend to fill his shoes... yes meet Forrest the Crocodile Hunta... sounds pimp dont it?

this her is my first blog.. and chances are itll prolly be my last cause im just doing this cause im bored out of my mind. i have nothing to do. i was watching my toenails grow, but it got too intense. my mood is quixotic because it sounds sexxxy and i have no idea what it actually means. if anyone was actually bored enough to spend time to read this let me know. the timmer on the microwave is going off and my mom apparently is too lazy to turn it off. so i must go and do so myself.