I have decided to write & post this blog because, well, I had an urge lol

Im sure there is many of you out there who know or have known of someone who has suffered from Depression or a Mental Illness. Correct?

Well say *Hello* to 1 of these people who suffers from Depression.

Are you shocked? I reckon some of you are :)

I have done so probably for 20+yrs I suppose. Only for the last 2 1/2yrs have I sought a Doctor's help as I felt I couldnt cope anymore or pull myself out of the darkness. Given the stress, upheavals & huge variance in emotions it took its toll.

.......A bit of background info - in my Profile in *Heroes* I mention my Mum. She has been treated for Depression/Mental Illness now for the last 40+yrs. Her Mother did also. I have witnessed her receiving Shock Treatment, huge volumes of medication (up to 75 tablets a day), numerous hospital stays, couple of stays in a Santitarium. All this from when I was about 5yrs of age. My Nan helped Dad raise me until Mum was on the road to recovery. Horror stories I could tell - the treatment back in those years was horrifying - nothing short. This is 1 reason why I never sort help until recently - Fear!!. I didnt want to go through what she went through. The it was the Fear of not getting out of this black hole that drove me to the Drs. Man hasnt treatment changed. I asked myself - Why the hell did you hestitate? My Mum is now doing wonderfully & has been for the past 15yrs - on 1 injection a month but because of all the Shock Treatment many years ago her memory is shot. Combine this with Stage 1 Alzheimers well its not a good combination - but I love her to bits - she is My Hero & My Rock!! She is there for me when Im having a *Bad Day* and understands completely.

Its ok I hid it pretty damn well. That has been my problem - hiding it. Always cheerful, always laughing - even my kids didnt realise how bad it was till a few years ago & even then I dont think they knew what to do, say or act. Or maybe they chose to not notice - I dont know. My partner I still dont think knows what to do or how to handle it after all these years. Its hard to explain so bear with me ok? Some cant understand what is going on - why I react at times to the stupidest of things or why sometimes I wont talk - I just want to be in my *Own Space*. Thats why I think describing Depression as a *Darkness* is so fitting. It is a darkness - they cant see in & you cant see out. Combine this darkness with panic attacks, feeling like your dying, cant breath, having a heart attack & numerous other *mind induced* symptoms - well its not a pretty feeling. But thats just it - its my mind creating these effects. Apparently its too much Adrenalin being released.  (Man why cant I get that surge when running around the softball bases LOL)

Im NOT posting this to seek pity etc but merely to bring to light that Depression is an Illness & to take a huge step in revealing this to you all.

I will probably lose some *Friends* who will slowly refrain from commenting my space etc. But you know what - Good riddance Bugger Off - you were never a *True Friend* were you?... Seriously You would be amazed at how many so called friends tend to move away when they hear Depression or Mental Illness mentioned.

........A *Really Good Friend* (well I thought she was) whom I have known for approx 10yrs has done just that. We always hung out, talked to all hrs of the morning - we were Good mates. This last year I have not seen or heard from her & only just recently received an *email*  - not asking how I was etc but to send me some pics of her kids because I havent been around to see them. I replied that the past year had been hell - healthwise- and found that most days I preferred staying at home & had no energy (another side effect of Depression - the tiredness). And I mentioned that since I had been *Ill* quite a few people had *Fallen* from me & said I suppose it was because I hadnt been to see them or spent hours on end on the phone with them etc. Well she replied LOL with nothing about my situation - only about her. Am I wrong to find that just a little aggravating?  Or am I being bitchy because she showed no concern about me but only about herself? Or maybe she didnt know what to say (I tend not to believe this1 lol)

Anyway enough of that Im over it.... Another milestone - not worrying what others think or say about me. Huge step!

I have days that I do feel like visiting the World - quite happily go to the Shops but then, after a few hours, think *BLAH had enough of this.*

I no longer like huge crowds, or venturing too far from my *Comfort Zone* being my house. But I do have to say slowly Im coming round - driving further, confidence growing etc but Bloody hell its been a struggle & hell of a hard road. But I'll get there :) I feel very *Safe* I suppose is the word with my family & my closest mates who, yep they are on medication too lol, when 1 of us needs the other - we're there in a flash! Maybe we're really good mates because we understand what the other is going through, the off days, the good days etc. Some nights I go to bed & BOOM wide awake - feeling this huge rush that I have get out, to run, to escape. Nerves are tingling - like everything is speeding up 200x Run fast. It used to scare the hell out of me but thanks to the Dr I now know I can come through such an attack.

Soooooo there ya go people - I AM Crazy LOL... Written in black n white for the world to see.

Last thing .... Get to know your mates, people in your lives. Really look at them - because they might be crying out for help but not in words.

Love ya
Deb x0x