today today today

stop saying tomorrow
make it happen
you've done harder things
and you deserve this
at least

this isn't you
this isn't who you are
this isn't the person you built yourself up to be
this is not what you worked fucking hard for

don't be weak
you've done harder things
you've done worse things
you've been through more pain

you deserve this
do it for him
do it for them
do it for yourself
give yourself this, at least

make it right
make it normal
make it happy
make it work

don't fade into obscurity
don't give them the satisfaction
don't become that
you hate that
your so much bigger than that

this isn't you
this is a phase
snap out
stop
stop
stop
you've done harder things
remember

you deserve this
you owe it to yourself
you need it
you want it

smoke more cigarettes
grit your fucking teeth
learn to say no
no no no no
remember

it will be worth so much
imagine it
everything will be easier
everything will be better
everything will go away

write about it
just don't give up on it

DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.

i miss being fabulous.
i miss being saught after.
i miss being the centre of attention.
i miss having fun.
i miss being the party.
i miss people taking an intrest in me.
i miss having a story to tell.
i miss living for now.
i miss being the person everyone wanted to talk to.
i miss being the life & soul.
i miss being envied.
i miss being thin.
i miss being beautiful.
i miss feeling cared about.
i miss being carefree.
i miss my short lived youth.
i miss the parties.
i miss being everyones friends.
i miss naivety.
i miss freedom.
i miss feeling needed.
i miss feeling wanted.
i miss feeling desired.
i miss having no rules.
i miss everyone wanting a piece of me.
i miss the drama.
i miss the excitement.
i miss the energy.
i miss chaging the world.
i miss learning something new.
i miss always having something to do.
i miss having too much to do.
i miss the anger.
i miss the lust.
i miss the tears.
i miss the happiness.
i miss the emotion.
i miss the empathy.
i miss having connections with people.
i miss never having the time to watch tv.
i miss having something to write about in my diary.
i miss living fast and wanting to die young.
i miss the whirlwind.
i miss the way cigarettes used to taste.
i miss how important the little things were.
i miss knowing what i was doing mattered.
i miss memories worth having.
i miss being alternative.
i miss blowing peoples minds.
i miss shocking people.
i miss thinking i'm better than everyone.
i miss being select.
i miss having a clique.
i miss feeling.
i miss the time before vanity.
i miss having better things to care about.
i miss the lies.
i miss the cheating.
i miss getting mixed up in something bad.
i miss things being fresh.
i miss things being new.
i miss passion.
i miss everything being life or death.
i miss making desicions that alter my life.
i miss choosing the person i want to be.
i miss being selfish.
i miss being cold hearted.
i miss living for myself.

For some reason, I've always find it difficult to fully address our relationship. Possibly in hope that if anything went wrong it wouldn't hurt as much, because things go wrong and our lives have never been as perfect as the "bff" cliché seems to deem them. There have been moments where we've done each other wrong, ditching each other for boys for example, the one thing ever woman teaches their daughter not to do because friends are for life, but still every girl I know our age seems to feel the need to discover for themselves. But still I stand proud to have you at my side through everything I've been through, and I mean everything, because some of that stuff is the perfect poster girl for off the rails. We've done everything every mother dreads of their children, everything we were told not to and everything we did we did it together. I don't think I know a friendship that could withstand some of our escapades, and for some reason; often thankfully, you're the only person I find it difficult to hold a grudge against. There have been times when other people and probably ourselves have thought that we've been more than friends, but I'm glad to say that it was just our first experience of true love, true dedication to make something work.

Obviously at some point in this ramble I need to mention drugs and it's probably what everyone reading this is waiting for me to write about, because in some way I guess it's what we're infamous for. Thinking about all of the things we went through that year, my fondest memory will always be sitting on that bench with you waiting for the time to pass, holding hands and discussing our own twisted version on the meaning of life and I'm sure, in fact no, I'm positive it was one of those "what we talked about it made so much sense, but now the haze is ascending and it don't make much sense anymore" evenings.  Sadly and through no fault of our own, I can't remember much of what was said, but I remember it being some sort of turning point, some sort of landmark, some sort of something I needed to remember.

But now we've grown up a lot and in some respect gone our own not so different ways. Honestly it surprises me that we've ended up doing exactly what we said we would all along, absolutely nothing, but I'm so fucking proud we gave it our best. We actually tried. I guess what I'm trying to say and the point of all this is, no matter how far apart we are or how little we see each other, we always make the time. I know I've cried when things have slipped up occasionally and probably so have you, but I would never dream of throwing what we have away, its something people fucking envy. Our honesty (even if sometimes it has to be coaxed out), how open and proud we are with each other and mostly; probably how much we love each other.

Even if things did go wrong and we never spoke again, which, lets face it things have come close to doing so in the past, I wouldn't forget a thing. A million people we've met, and bitched about, a million cigarettes smoked, lines snorted and pills popped. A million morning afters, hangovers, brews and a fag on my doorstep, a million different people who have walked in and out of our lives. A million songs that make me go "this reminds me of you" r "this is our song!" and you smiling and replying with a "oh yeah!" or "yes, dear". A million inside jokes that somehow always seem to be less funny when you go through the trouble of explaining them to the newest boyfriend.

To quote you "we'll be sat in the nursing home with a two litre bottle of country choice, mate"

The memories of the pubs and the clubs and the drugs and the tubs we shared together will stay with me forever. 

I depend on you whole heartedly,

But most of all, I love you Tamsin Abigail James.

i see the resemblance in him singing and talking in song lyrics and the person he's with not giving a shit. hugs and openly sexual body language are exchanged as is a small plastic bag of powdered escapism, the new owners of this substance smile at each other and congratulate the girl on her ability to purchase it with such ease.
they stare into each other's eyes lovingly, the kind of love you only experience on something authority figures feel the need to put under a class.
i can only watch this mess in slightly stupid extreme jealousy.
the words to songs have never meant so much, the music has never effected them in this way whilst sober, the words strung together so beautifully as if written for you on this night to capture this moment in time so perfectly, riffs are acted out on imaginary guitars as the masses look on in blissful ignorance; with no idea the absolute amount of imagination they could experience.
the knowing that i could get a line of happiness and love, and feel the tingle at the back of my throat and wince as it flows over my taste buds easier than i could get served at the overcrowded, understaffed bar is painful.
i grind my jaw and try to crash my thoughts together, like a motorway pile-up; in a hope that my brain might except this as some kind of placebo.
i watch on longer as i recognise that they to stupidly perceive themselves as the drug culture chic, troubled genius that i once thought myself as. sadly more so i look at the dilated pupils and their jaw grinding backwards and forwards as if it is glamorous and enviable.

i leave it up to fate to decide who is the stupider.