Anyone who's noticed the comings and goings of my blogs recently will probably be aware that something is up. As someone who has built themselves up from nowhere just through my strange blogs, I have to say it's been hard not writing them as often. Part of the reason is I've been really busy working on different projects like G4 and Radio 1 and I'm also balls-deep writing a comic book at the moment (the initial sketches of which are being launched at Des Taylor's exhibition at the Maverick Galleries next month). My life is so hectic right now it's not even funny. I haven't even had time to go out and party!

What with all the radio madness, I forgot to announce who the winner of the fan fart competition was!! D'oh!

Sooo... turns out that news I had that I couldn't announce was... dun dun deerrrr... I'm doing a bit of work for Radio 1 as the resident gamer on Greg James' new weekday show. Props to everyone who tuned in earlier. I was a lil' bit nervous, hence all the whispering and funny noises! If you missed it, here's the link:

Hello, it's bank holiday Monday innit.

I wrote a bulletin earlier, but no-one read it so I might as well reiterate it all now but with more fantastical imaginary elements. See it you can distinguish between FACT and FICTION. It is a test to challenge even the most hardened reader of press releases (which, as we all know, are full of complete bollocks).

Last week I met Dane Bowers. He told me that his toes smelt so bad that the only women he could get were single-parent mothers with crack-face from Hull. I thought about showing him my sympathy, but this is Dane Bowers we're talking about, so I just walked off and left him to sit crying alone in his own urine (he was drunk and had pissed himself). To be fair I wasn't even talking to him, I was minding my own business, but I think he just likes to initiate conversations with strangers for no reason. C'mon, it was Kebab King in Putney. What do you expect?

Of course, none of that was true. By gosh, I'm making this game terribly easy for you all.

Let's get back to the bulletin.

First of all, I asked you all to get your fan art submissions in for my competition by the 11th September. I've had lots in already and they are all AWESOME, but there's always room for more. Plus, you can win a Toblerone, £20 English pounds, and some of Rob Smith from The Cure's chest hair.*

Then, in my bulletin, I told tales of lots of meetings. Except they weren't tales they were true because I do indeed have a lot of them this week. Some good, some bad. Some amazing. I'd tell all but a man with megarectum needs their computer back.

Bye!!

Sim xxxx

* not true.

p.s. Watch G4 TV on the 19th of SEPTEMBER (not August, D'oh!) and you shall see my face! G4 Website!

Hellooo,

I was just looking through my fan art folder and I've gotten some pretty cool shit from you guys ( "you guys" what am I? A retarded character in Friends? Gargh.)

Soo... seeing as I am working on a new website at the moment (trust me, it's gonna be IMMENSE!) I thought it would be cool to make a big thing about all the art that you do, and have it be a big part of my website. And then I thought - why don't I run a competition? Everyone loves a competition!!

So here's the deal: You have ONE MONTH to take a pic from my Myspace and make some art with it, then scan it, and email it over to me.

By art, the only limit is your imagination, but no scat, blood, or laminating please. If I wanted a collection of bodily fluids I'd hang out round A&E or summink. Soo... collage, graffiti, paintings, digital art, pin-ups, paper mache, drawings, etc are all good in the hood!

For ideas, go here:

ART OF MY FACE

The best submissions will be showcased on my forthcoming website, and the owner of the WINNING piece of fan fart wins the following:

* A giant Toblerone or some Ferrero Roche (your choice)
* Your art featured in the November issue of my FRONT column all special like you was magic.
* A goodie bag full of special posters, badges, and stickers.
* A phone-call from me saying you are wicked over and over again to make you feel great, like.
* £20 English pounds.

I might add more prizes, so watch this space.

Send your submissions to me at alex.sim-wise@frontarmy.co.uk

Here are the rules fools!

1. Competition is open to anyone, guys or girls, anywhere in the world except Torquay because it sounds rubbish.
2. Deadline is midnight GMT on the 11th September, and all submissions must be sent by email.
3. Artwork must use a picture from my Myspace as it's basis, so don't just send in a pic of your arse with a face on it.
4. Please include your name and contact address with your submission. I won't use it for stalking, or sell it; that's a promise.
5. Winner will be contacted within 7 days of the competiton closing.

So... yeah. Get scribbling like Tony Hart on one of his most mentalist artistic days ever.

Don't cha just love my late-nite blogs?

Hmm.

Sim xxxx

Are all encapsulated in this man:

Hello,

Can't believe it's been a month since my last blog. That is just insane, I didn't even notice! Too busy playing Warcraft with Sean Slater I guess. I just got some loot card things today so I can bowl about on a giant chicken. Awesome.

Is it just me or is 'social networking' (what a loser yuppie term) just completely too much these days, I mean there is like 8 or 9 sites you have to be a member of these days and trying to remember all my log-ins is using up valuable brain space that could be spent contemplating the metaphysical weight of dogshit. Added to that is the ever present band spam which is really starting to do my nut in and makes me want to live in a monastery where they don't have music apart from that shit that sounds like Enya, JUST so I don't have to put up with people requesting that I 'check out some of our tunes dude. We think Trip Hop Folk Douche Metal would really be your thing.' FUCK OFF.

But I'll always still love Myspace. I know it's not cool to anymore, that Twitter is the new thing, but who cares. In my social networking overloadland I've noticed the following: Facebook is for friends, Twitter is for egotists, and Myspace is for the GOOD TIMES. Well, except when you're being hounded by shit bands it is anyway. You can express more of your personality on Myspace than you can anywhere else which I think is always a good thing, and my mate is Robert Poulson.

Soo... what's this new job? You may ask. Or you might not give a shit, but I'm going to tell you anyway. I have a new TV show, which is a bit like the other one but better and with less 'anyways' and swearing. It starts 17th July on Current TV which is like MTV for UGC (User Generated Content). Umm yeah, so watch that. I have to work in an office 3 days a week which is actually pretty fun and makes me feel like a grown-up person, but not enough to make me want to get a Mortgage or adopt kids or anything stupid like that.

I've also set up a Youtube channel to put up my video blog game reviews and general musings, so now you can match up the way I really talk with the way I talk in your head. Big disappointment all round, I'm guessing. I'm loving how Youtube screen captures always make you look like you've had a stroke. Thanks Youtube. Anyway, here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/simwisedoesgamez

My game review section in Front comes out in the new issue out the end of next week. 

I'm off to go listen to Enya.

Bye

Simmmmm XxXxX

Sooo... Britain's Got Talent.