It started out like any normal Sunday morning, I mean, nothing too exciting. The routine had been shaken a bit by another friend stopping by. Jason showed up with his usual diet rockstar for me, and one of many of the beverages he chooses for himself. As the conversation some how began to waif toward food, someone said "Carl's Jr"...and there was a moment of holy silence that over came us both. At this point we were alone in my living room, and suddenly with the words that had just been spoken it was as if the very presence of the idea had entered the room, dropped it's pants and mooned us screaming, "Where's the party at now you mother effers?" It was a pretty intense moment.

Jay and I looked at each other. Somehow, we both knew this idea was silly, and didn't need to be given the attention it was so desperately screaming for. Yet I couldn't help but say out loud, "It would be silly to drive all the way to Vancouver just for a Carl's Jr. Burger..." Yet some how my saying it gave it more power. The idea had now taken shape into the form of words, nay, spoken words. We both laughed nervously, as if some how that would make this moment that would separate the men from the eunuchs, pass more quickly. The feble laughter failed miserably. I scratched my palm. Jay looked at the floor and nudged it for a moment with the toe of his shoe.

"That's it." I said, jumping up and heading toward the computer in my room, "It's only the dirty Cove. It's not that far." Jason followed me, and we briefly discussed going to the Biscuit cafe. After my inability to get the menu to load, I knew it was destiny for us to go to Carl's Jr. I quickly determined where the closest one to our base location was, although I was pretty sure that my partner in this devious crime against reason already knew where we were going, and we were off.

The music selection for the ride there was GirlTalk , and brought about much of the conversation. As thoughts were racing through my head about the insanity of driving thirty minutes for a burger, a delicious, amazing burger were going through my head I was distracted by the thought that Jason was actually listening to Emeinem, until I realized he was rapping over an Israeli girls music.

Once we finally arrived, there were some ICP kids hanging out by the payphone, and I felt as though should I just wait one of them might offer me some weed, but there was too much at stake to find out if the heavy set kid really had a racket going or was just trying really hard.

Opening the doors brought me to a place of wonder. The smell of molten lava corn oil, and potatoes being dropped down into it, after being sliced in to thin pieces, salted for my taste buds alone made my arrector papilla do their job (I had goose bumps). Looking over the menu, my mind raced, what would be the champion of this travesty against reason? What could possibly justify this trip to the dreaded cove? As soon as my heart had determined it, Jason spoke it, "I'd like a number eleven please." In shock, and some awe I looked at my friend, and in that moment, we grew three steps closer as I said, "And I would like the same, No onion." The smile we exchanged came from a place some of you will never know if in this life.

As we sat down with our number we had the pleasure of listening to WoW-kids talk about fossil Fuels, oddly enough a conversation we had exchanged, but with more intelligence on the ride to this destination of delicious. When the authority was given to the one who had been there to see Trojan explode, I sighed, and realized that my long awaited food had arrived.

Biting into that burger made everything right. I am sure that in that moment someone drank orange juice after brushing their teeth and wondered why it didn't taste bad. In that moment, a married woman had her first orgasm after ten years. That moment was magical, and the sacredness of it is almost too precious for words.

Despite the telephone inturuptions from my (probably) future mother-in-law (apparently out side of this moment where time and space were on pause to fully allow me to enjoy this burger, reality was still happening) Jason and I ate our blissful reformed to catholic once hindu cows in an early afternoon with dream like quality.

Well done, Carl. Well done.

Walking out of the store, I caught a glimpse of the sign stating that Carl had died in 2007. I pointed it out to Jason, and I think we both had a moment of silence for him. Or perhaps that was just the indigestion from mixing pork and beef.

On the way home conversation broached the edges of all things, rational and irrational. Down to planning our next adventures, of which I am sure there will be more to come.

http://www.khq.com/global/story.asp?s=9718028

These are friends of mine and Tav's. They called a few weeks ago asking how we get through the times when it seems like there is nothing to do but get high. and the kid that got busted with the grow op? We tried to set him up with an oxford house out here. He said he had it under control. Amazing.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Gave birth. Lived in one apt for more than one year.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't remember still, and no, I don't believe in them (this is the answer from last year... I think I will stand by it)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? ME!and Courtney.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? Felons don't get to leave

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Stability of my finaces.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 3, Serenity was born. March 31, I took the biggest risk of my life.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Being a better mom than I thought I would be.

9. What was your biggest failure? Dropping out of school again.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Does having a kid count?

11. What was the best thing you bought? His Owen ticket.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Tavis', and all the people who proved to me what friendship means.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? They probably know who they are, if not I don't need to say it here.

14. Where did most of your money go? Rent and Serenity.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? OWEN, Serenity, Falling in love.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Where did you sleep last night, Nirvana.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner!
iii. richer or poorer? poorer I think...

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? sleep?

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? talked about other people.

20. How did you spend Christmas? With Tavis and the baby.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008? With my child. And Him.

23. How many one-night stands? One.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Lost for sure. And the office.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? hate is too strong of a word.

26. What was the best book you read? Chuck books aside, because that's a duh, probably Seat of the Soul.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Hip hop. :)

28. What did you want and get? Serenity. A good man who my friends like and my family (esp my daughter) loves.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Forgetting Sarah Marshal. And I am Legend, but for secret reasons.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 26. Went to school, got all kinds of surprises from Tav, and had lunch with Crystal. Perfect.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not having to deal with court stuff.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Jeans, t-shirts. I am trying to break out of the RED BLACK AND WHITE.

34. What kept you sane? Ashley H. Tavis PunkRock Mama Mary:)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? None.

37. Who do you miss? People that I choose not to be around a lot because they do things that I choose not to do.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Serenity. Tavis.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008? Risks can be worth it.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
It's funny, because this song isn't true, but part of this part is....

"Charlie, I'm pregnant
Living on 9th Street
Right above a dirty bookstore
Off Euclid Avenue
Stopped taking dope
Quit drinking whiskey
My old man plays the trombone
Works out at the track
Says that he loves me
Even though it's not his baby
Says that he'll raise him up
Like he would his own son"

one thousand points to anyone who knows the song, and doesn't have to look it up.

Going through some old journal entries for stuff, and I found this.

"the one will wake up everyday and want to impress me.
and I will feel the same about them.
Everyday I will want to see the one happy.
and they will want the same fore me.
Everyday I will be proud and humbled by the fact they are with me.
and they will feel the same about me.
Everyday I will choose to act out of love to them
and they will do it for me.
Everyday I will grow a little bit more understanding of everything...
even if understanding means I admit I don't understand.
and they will grow as well."

I have all of this today.
I am so blessed.

Today my life is full.
I don't have a lot of room for fear, but it still manages to creep it's way in sometimes.
For the most part I am too full of love.
Love for my child.
Love for my man.
Love for my friends.
Love for my life.

it seems that my character is being put on trial.

or there are accusations that it will be.

and I am ready.

Today I am not scared.

Today I have nothing to hide.

I know I am doing the next right thing.

and it will be okay.

+Visit CA with my refund check for 7 days in August.(Clear your calendars now)
+Go camping. Once with the kid, and once with out.
+Go to school full time through summer quarter. And not take any MATH.
+Work steps six and seven.
+Get tan in the real sun because I am playing in the park with Serenity.
+Laugh more than I did last year.
+Keep one Address. :)
+Not change my hair style when I am emotional.
+Finish my sleeve.
+Spend more time with friends and less time making plans to.
+Enjoy today before it becomes back in the day.

-Deal with the court system and Baby's Daddy.
-Come to terms with the fact that ***********(somethings don't need to be public)******************and I can't change it.
-Go back to Therapy, this time for domestic violence.
-Not take any road trips, 'Cause Serenity is too small.

Not a bad list. The pro's definitly out weigh the cons.

Looks like the summer of 08 could be the best summer ever.

then again, isn't it always?

A sister in recovery died last night in her sleep.
and it made me think.
In recovery I will not have to:
die with a needle in my arm.
die in a place where no one knows me.
be found by police in the morning in a gutter.
be estranged by my family so that they wouldn't even know of my passing.
die and have my so called friends dig through my pockets for more dope.
choke to death on my own vomit.
have people say, "Well, it's sad, but who didn't see that coming?"

If I get the blessing of dying in recovery,
I will get:
people who loved me for me missing me.
my family mourning my death, not the shambles of my life.
showing that the program works, and that we don't have to die from active addiction.
dignity in death.
being surrounded by real friends.
getting my eternity coin.

Callie, you are an amazing spirt. Thank you for teaching me this lesson that will never leave me.

what am I looking for?
answers to questions I don't want to ask.
so really I probably don't want the answers.

I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to be around people.
I don't want to be home.
I don't want to be away from my house.
I don't want to go back to work.
I don't want to sit around my house anymore.
I don't want to be by myself while other people are in relationships.
I don't want to be in a relationship because I am not ready.

see juxtaposition.
see also inside Debbie's head.
see also life on life's terms.
see also spirtual awakening to the reality of the things I can not change.