Thou Shalt Not...What?

The foremost indisputable overseers of morality and human conduct, the Catholic Church, have extended their list of mortal sins in order to add SEVEN more! The Catholic home office in Italy faxed PLN the seven new sins. They are...

Environmental Pollution

Littering is no longer a petty offense, it's a one way ticket to hell!

Genetic Manipulation

What isn't evil about playing God? Look what happened to Frankenstein, Jack Kervorkian, and Uri Geller.

*A specific amendment was added to this sin at the last minute: If you eat genetically altered food, you go to purgatory for 8 years minimum.

Accumulating Excessive Wealth

In order to set a good example the Catholic Church will discontinue the acceptance of all cash donations.

Inflicting Poverty

Not that we don't love the impoverished. In order to take a stand against poverty the Catholic Church will staunchly continue it's fight against contraception and birth control because studies show the more people there are per household, the more incomes a family is likely to accrue.

Drug Trafficking and Consumption

This includes driving a keg from one house to another and/or consuming it's contents. Hell.

Morally Debatable Experiments

Like voting for a female President.

Violation of Fundamental Rights of Human Nature

This one ranges from stealing ice cream & looking at someone funny all the way to murder & medical malpractice. It's a wide ranging new sin that makes sure all the bases are covered, and you have NO DOUBT that hell awaits unless you are forgiven.

The list of new sins was unveiled by Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti who believes that by expanding the ways which a man can be judged to spend eternity in hell, the church is breeding a whole new generation of more sin free Catholics. As the paramount authority on all things decent, ethical, and pure, righteous, saintly, virtuous, and true, the Catholic Church has proven once again that all those who wrongly accuse priests of sexual misconduct with young boys have that much farther to go in order to be true to God.

Tell me more...

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Why Are Liberals Afraid Of Fire?

The Olympic Torch Relay, which got it's start in 1936 during the Berlin Games somewhere in Europe, has come under a different kind of fire lately. The torch, a symbol of freedom and warmth, has become enemy 1 to liberals all across the globe who wish to impose their anti-establishment, anti-athletic, and pro-choice way of life on the rest of the world. Several of the most motivated fire-haters have made unsuccessful attempts to extinguish the triumphant flame of liberty and sports, simply to make a cheap political point.

A few prominent Democrats have even called on President Bush to consider boycotting the Olympics. The President countered by affirming that he will be attending the games as a "sports fan", not to make a political statement. In order to prove this Bush will take to sitting in the nosebleed seats, urinating with his fellow male sports-fans, and wearing an over-sized red white and blue foam glove suggesting that the American team is indeed number one.

Olympic historian Earl Henry tells us why this year's Olympic torch has been in more undisclosed locations than Dick Cheney, "It's because of these activists who claim to be protesting China's poor human rights record, including their Tibet policies."

Supporting the Tibetan cause has come a long way from being soley a sure fire method for musicians to get some in the mid-90's. China's recent crackdowns on rebellious monks has thrown international light on a dire situation begging the question, "Can China find a more secretive way to crackdown on monks?"

These Olympic Torch protesters showed up in full riot gear.

This question, along with many others, will be answered at the Beijing Olympics. Be sure to tune into PLN for a complete update on all of America's gold medal wins, and check out our in depth profiles on each and every U.S. athlete's most profoundly tragic obstacles.

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Troops To Be Withdrawn*

United States Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker and General David Petraeus testified brilliantly on capitol Hill this week laying out the case for withdrawal from Iraq suggesting that the U.S. military, "Make reductions when the conditions allow."

Misguided democrats are demanding an "orderly withdrawal" while they can't even have an orderly Presidential Primary. Their overuse of liberal buzzwords like "benchmarks" and "success" underscore desperate attempts to settle personal and political scores with fellow party members.

Vice Presidential front runner Joe Lieberman painted the most honest picture of the progress in Iraq saying, "I wish we could have an agreement on the facts!"

*Conditions Pending

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Lebanon Overeacts to U.S. Show Of Support

In the midst of America's most successful War On Terror ever, you'd think that Lebanon would know not to over-react to seeing a couple or more U.S. Navy ships passing just outside it's waters. Middle East and Middle Eastern experts agree that Lebanon's terrorist-insurgent political party Hezbollah would scream to the sky, if only because they couldn't throw rocks far enough to hit the routine cruise-by of three U.S. Navy warships off the coast.

The terror-confab Hezbollah has so much pull in the country that even Lebanon's Legitimate Prime Minister Fuad Saniora put up a bewildered front stating, "We did not request any warships," as though America had prankishly ordered pizzas to his house.

The U.S. Military insists that the Navy sent the the three+ ships, including an amphibious assault craft, to Lebanon in order to promote regional stability during their on-going political crisis. Lebanon's elections have been delayed 15 times as Hezbollah tries to wrestle power away from those who value Freedom and Democracy. The U.S.S. Cole was sent in solely to scare Osama Bin Laden, who could be in Lebanon, you never know.

White House spokesperson Gordon Jondroe characterized the move as, "A show of support and stability." He insists that the real wolf-in-Lebanese clothing is the anti-Christ related terror network, Hezbollah, which is a direct threat to Israel therefore America.

Hezbollah legislator Hassan Fadallah called the move, "An American threat against Lebanon," while threatening that, "intimidation will not affect us."

Middle East experts of all creeds aren't sure whether or not seeing a bunch of cool American ships shining in the brilliant Mediterranean sun will have any influence with the Lebanese people or government. Some, who may or may not be over analyzing the situation, believe that a conflict in Lebanon would actually be a proxy war between the United States/Israel Vs. Syria/Iran. This global tag team match up, many believe, would put an end to the long period of co-Arabian instability in the region.

"If Syria's panicking about these ships, maybe it's because they have a guilty conscience," observes a recently retired Defense Department official, "What they should do is get their filthy, oil-rich hands off of Lebanon."

The Lebanese election has been pushed back to March 11th, however, considering the state of things many in Lebanon are asking, "Of what year?"

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Obama Vs. America

She's described America as "broken", "unfix-able", and "venereal-y diseased". Her critiques of U.S. life range from, "progressively worse and worse" to "increasingly unaffordable", and "downright dangerous." Experts get the impression that when Michelle Obama thinks of the United States it makes her want to vomit in fear and rage.

Whatever she feels about her country is nothing compared to the downright disdain she feels toward the man she's married to. In the acid-fling-a-thon that is a Presidential race, many negative things are said by one candidate about another. It's rare however to see a candidate's own spouse turn around and start bashing said candidate. Michelle Obama has called her husband "stinky", "snorey", and "a bag of worms encased in human flesh."

PLN Body Language/Celebrity Relationship analyst Deirdre commends Michelle Obama for her honesty and suggests that divorce may be the only option left for the couple. "She's a lot like the Phylicia Rashad character from 'The Cosby Show'. This is clearly a woman who needs more of everything. More money, more power, more attention, but at the same time she hates the man she needs to achieve those goals."

"She's mad. What's she mad at? America, her husband...probably men in general," says psychologist Dr. Robert Jones Ralph. "People like Michelle Obama will never be happy until everyone else in the world is as miserable as they are."

At every stop on her cross country tour Michelle Obama manages to paint life as a dark cloud of foreboding misery. In Wisconsin she mourned, "For the first time in my adult life I am really proud of my country."

"What she's stating here quite clearly is that not only does she hate America, but that freedom itself is something only a child could believe in," says Reg Bartlett Host of PLN's 'Deep in the Heart.' "What she sees when she looks at our nation is a country that hit the skids sometime during the mid 1970's. A lawless land where daddy's on the drink and mommy works 4 jobs just to buy enough crack to satiate her children who wolf it down like sugar-cereal."

A few worried observers fear for Barack Obama's safety in light of Michelle having recently called her husband's candidacy a, "once in a lifetime opportunity for us to be graced by a man like him(Hussein)."

"It sounds as though she is planning to go "praying mantis" and eat her husband if he does not win this election," says Deirdre. "As much as she hates Barack now, he'll never live it down if he doesn't pull off a big win. Poor guy."

Political strategists, however, can see right through the entire plot calling Michelle Obama's love of spreading negativity, "a wonderful political strategy." Peter Thomas of the United Institute for Indivisible Policy Studies points out that, "It's exactly what cults do. Convince people their lives are miserable and offer them some phoney cure. It explains this whole cult like Obama-Mania that's gripped our nation."

He goes on to call for the unthinkable, "I never thought I'd say this but...I'm for...Hillary?" (sigh)

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Campaign Dirty Tricks Hit All Time Low

Recent changes in the tone of Presidential political campaigning has caused PLN to begin looking for culprits. Someone, perhaps a person who has something to gain from slandering a close rival, released this picture to the mainstream media:

The photo shows Democratic front-runner Barrack Obama at a rare Kenyan Voodoo ceremony which blended pure African blackness with traditional terrorist-Muslim elements. Many experts suggest that releasing pictures such as this one:

...during a high stakes election might have been an attempt by someone who would like to see Barrack Obama lose popularity with rational, peace-loving Americans who might come to the conclusion that Obama is playing on every other team but our own.

The Hillary Clinton campaign, which has yet to take responsibility for the smear, has yet to admit to leaking the picture which shows Obama during his Madrasa days, paying homage to several false gods during an honorary indoctrination ceremony.

We at Prime Legitimate News think that it is shameful for anyone in a public position to use such graven images of pure evil to further their own political careers. To use an incriminating photo from a respected man's past in order to make a cheap, albeit true, point is nothing more than smear mercantilism in it's lowest form.

Hopefully someone will emerge from the rabble to straight-talk us through this horrible mud slinging contest.

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"Havana, 2009. Castro is dead, and Cuba reels from a power vacuum. The Ghosts - an elite team of U.S. Army Green Berets - are deployed. Their mission: halt the drug-funded warlord from sabotaging the island republic's first free elections in decades."

- From the box of Ghost Recon: Island Thunder

PLN is taking a break from the rough and tumble work of covering the news in an even and honest manner to bring you our first PLN Video Game Review. This time around we're heading into the vaults to review Tom Clancy's GHOST RECON 2: ISLAND THUNDER for the XBOX.

As promised, Ghost Recon delivers the ultimate jungle warfare experience. As the instruction manual states, "Fidel Castro's heirs have been unable to keep the fire of his revolution burning, and a popular uprising has toppled the communist regime." To counteract those who wish to irresponsibly impose their political will through "subversion, violence, and open revolution" the Ghosts are called in.

It would be this easy.

Stated simply - the Ghosts are a group of patriotic fire-brands with the tool and talent enough to get the job done in Cuba with or without the help of congress, administrational oversight, or air support. These elite warriors are freedom fighting super men armed with the sweetest US-made war technology you've never dreamed existed. Ooooh, to hear these machine guns pop off as some punk tries to defend his tobacco plantation in the name of anti-democracy is enough to make me wish that either myself, or my grandchildren will someday experience the thrill of liberating Cuba. Just hearing the words "enemy down" come through the speaker sends a chill up my spine and the peace of mind knowing that the struggle for freedom burns inside those who actually fight the wars and those who experience combat in the comfort of their own homes.

It all begins with a beautiful cinematic tribute to the tropical glory of Cuba's coastline as the Ghosts arrive on shore. As these seasoned contractors and soldiers alike admire the majestic beauty of Cuba's newly liberated foliage they begin to take enemy fire. Not a likely scenario, but since it's a video game I'll suspend my disbelief.

Look at the background details! That's one of Cuba's 2,362 cars.

Even the top notch cinematics are no match for the accurate and awe inspiring game environments. The amount of God's glory tossed out on this island makes this gamer wonder why it hasn't been a part of the United States all along. Not long after you're stunned by the games depiction of Cuba's splendor, filthiness, and possibilities for tourist megabucks, your mission begins.

Mission: Kick ass and take names...or not. The discovery you soon make is that Cuba cannot be liberated enough. There are initially 18 tasks in Ghost Recon, but the completion of them unlocks more content, more liberation. War is a game of inches and these underarmed, scrappy insurgents won't give them up without at least pretending they hate Freedom. The great thing about being an American soldier is that our weaponry so much out-blasts the tinker toys the Cubans have. It's almost as if they're using the same guns Oswald killed Kennedy with. Makes you think.

As a soldier, you're told not too get to close. Don't become too attached. You never know who's going to make it back. However, one member of my Bravo Team has turned out to be my favorite of the whole elite Ghost Squadron. His name is Shawn Cressler. He's a thick, tough, go-getter who is willing to to what it takes in order that the kill is made and the team gets home safely. If we got back to the States, I'd for sure call him up and go for a beer at least once or twice a year. We'd tell stories and watch each others kids grow up in the name of Freedom. That's how in-depth Ghost Recon: Island Thunder is. I'm crying as I write this review.

Just like being there!

The only drawback to Ghost Recon: Island Thunder is the suspicious fact that the voice over of your commanding superior officer sounds exactly like insurgent Presidential candidate Barrack Hussein Obama. Maybe it's time for the games developer Ubi Soft to do a quick sweep of their work force.

If you have and XBOX or XBOX 360, you've got to get this game! It's available USED at most Game Stop and EB Games stores for only $3.99!

Play the game. Learn the mission. Execute.

I give Ghost Recon: Island Thunder a...

A+ out of 5!

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Christmas Is Here To Stay!

Sen. Craig Framed By Very Gay Cops

This sort of thing happens all the time and it often sweeps up members of the highest echelon of society. Gay cops, prowling for man-sex in public places, accidentally hit on a prominent law-abiding member of society thereby setting off a chain reaction that alters legitimate lives in rather unfortunate ways. The pervert cops panic when confronted by a well respected law maker. Not wanting to be caught and fired for hitting on strange men, they orchestrate an elaborate plot to turn the tables on the very person they've all ready victimized. Confusing? That's just how these criminal police officers want it to seem.

It all happened like this: Idaho Senator Larry Craig was in the airport making his daily check on National Security in a post 9-11 world when he suddenly needed to take a sit-down piss. When Craig entered the random airport bathroom he saw this cop with a HUGE mustache staring at him from an adjacent stall as though he were one of those "types". Craig chose the stall next to the shifty character in order to monitor his actions. They were, after all, inside an airport in a post 9-11 world.

As Congressman Craig began to feel watched by the perpetrator he became nervous thereby increasing the width of his stance which is the scientifically proven instinctual behavior of all primates in peril. The gay cop then tried to turn an innocent man's right to personal space into a game of "footsie". This is when Senator Craig lost control. He knew he either had to bolt fast, or risk fatally subduing this airport pervert with a judo throw into the bathroom mirrors.

The disgraced officer in the stall next to him panicked when confronted by Craig's swift resolve. Feeling trapped he decided to turn the tables and scare Craig, who was ready to throw down, by showing him his police officer business card.

"These guys thought, 'Holy crap, this man's a senator. He'll bust us for sure. Let's make it look like we're arresting him!'" observes PLN crime psychologist Philip Rice.

The officer put up an amazingly professional front calling the situation an "undercover investigation" when confronted with Craig's true identity of a crime fighting lawmaker, which Craig revealed in pitch perfect Dirty Harry fashion as he took out one of his own congressional business cards and said through gritted teeth, "What do you think about that?"

Rice explains, "This cop tried to say, 'Look, I'm a cop too. Don't get me in trouble.' When he saw that Senator Craig wasn't going to take no guff, that's when the real trouble began."

At first Craig tried to let the crooked cops off the hook stating that the whole thing was just a, "he said/he said misunderstanding." When the officers attempted to make a criminal out of Craig, he stopped being Mr. Nice Guy. In a fit of rage Senator Craig accidentally pled guilty to "lewd conduct" which he explained stating, "When I said 'guilty', I thought we were talking about those cops. They were in it to get me one way or another from the second I entered that bathroom. Everybody knows that."

Everybody who's not inundated by the slanderous liberal media might know the truth, but if you were to take their story word for word you'd think that Senator Craig had donkey-punched 8 blind boy-scouts in a burning shack. All experts agree that the liberals saw Larry Craig as a top Presidential contender in 2012, as well as a possible Vice Presidential nominee if Mitt Romney were to win the Republican nomination for President in 2008. He needed to be brought down, and slander was the only way they could do it. Many see this as a possible set up by Hillary Clinton's covert "Secret Police" as revenge for Senator Craig's scathing indictment of sex fiend Bill Clinton's White House miscumduct.

Senator Craig might have to put his future political prospects on hold for the time being so he can, aside from spending more time with his family, bring down the renegade homosexual fringe of law enforcement so hell bent on misusing their powers and American tax dollars to spread the Gay Agenda.

The guilty officers also managed to extort $575 from Craig in the form of so called "fines" and "fees". Craig will also be put under a year long probation which many have called "legalized stalking". Legal analysts are saying, "These sado-fascist cops can basically call up Craig anytime they want to "check" on him. They've basically made a sex slave of this man for 365 days. If he wasn't gay before..."

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West Virginia University, Party Central

West Virginia University won the top spot in this year's Princeton Review annual list of the top 20 party schools. WVU is celebrating the 7th time in the last 15 years that the school's been voted into the top 20.

Student Ashley "Smash" Jenkins explains the reasons why, "Whatever you want is here. Every scene, it's all here, every night. Who are you with?"

When I told her I was with PLN she seemed impressed, but I could tell she hadn't seen me on TV yet. I gave her my personal Myspace. I'm sure she'll check it out. It's all about being in the right place at the right time.

Putting this year's contest into perspective one celebratory student who goes by the name of "Gornt" stated, "This is huuuuuuuge! We haven't been number one since 1997!" Last year WVU took bronze as the University of Austin, TX won the gold. Austin University student Darrin "Force" Bittner mourned loudly, "I can't believe we lost to those pussies!" He then broke down into tears, "We did so much last year. So much."

Of course the incoming WVU Dean had to put up a professional front stating, "I'm sure the students have important issues on their minds like the excellent year they have ahead of them and their futures in the gl--," The new Dean was interrupted as a flaming brick crashed through his office window. After stomping out the quickly spreading flames his veneer broke a bit. "Jesus! Have you had a chance to talk to last year's Dean? Yeah, cause he can't talk anymore. These kids took the piss completely out of him. What happened to that man, his family, daughters...pets...stock portfolio. The students left nothing of that man."

When I asked for further proof of lower standards for student behavior the Dean produced a picture:

"It's what young people call a beer bong. The problem is this was built by our top engineering student in the department. It was his thesis. If this is the future of America, I'm moving to Iraq."

I had to leave the Dean's office. He was starting to bum me out, and besides I had a meeting with "Smash" in order to further discuss some school stuff. She led me into her dorm room which was decorated by what seemed like the thousands of Mardi Gras beads she's accumulated during her first 3 months of attendance at WVU.

"I go to class when I feel like it cause it's totally chill here. Most of the god damn teachers are so f**king wasted off their asses anyways, you know like...(breaks into laughter) (snorts) I can't believe I just did that! (snorts again) Holy shit!"

She went on to share some of the copyrighted WVU party practices which helped win them the gold this year including:

- Rohypnol Parties: Wild parties in which admission is granted only after each person has ingested at least 2 doses of the popular recreational drug.

- Mascot Sexual Humiliation: In which a rival mascot is kidnapped, photographed and videotaped in several sexually compromising situations. A MySpace is then created to showcase the images and videos.

- Condom Swapping: No student seems willing to answer questions about this one, offering only the advice that I should, "Try it, for serious."

I was able to catch up with the only member of the Campus Christian Club in order to get his take on the WVU experience. He was glad to talk to someone. "The only reason you're talking to me now is cause I registered for that club on the first day of school. Right when I did that I was hooded and driven to this house. I've been chained to this refrigerator for 32 days. I'm relieved someone found me." PLN refused to release the student, not wanting to interfere with centuries-old fraternal practices. He was found 2 days later buried in the Dean's back yard. The Dean couldn't help but complain about it, "The pranks at this school have gone from ludicrous to capitally criminal. I demand a stop to this barbarism!"

Back at the dorm Smash took a hit off her mardi gras bead covered bong and exhaled while saying, "Whatever. That Dean's got a bug way up his ass. That Jesus dude was asking for it. I hear they don't even snort coke."

The records are published in the 2008 edition of "The Best 366 Colleges" based on a wide ranging survey taken during the 2006-2007 school year.

Special thanks to Smash.  

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Iraqi PM Takes Blame For Iraq War

With all the heat and condemnation being heaped upon him by the world community, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki has decided to take full responsibility for the catastrophe that is the war in Iraq.

Even by liberal standards al-Maliki has let down his people, the American people, and Democracy itself by not taking hold of the victory baton in the global relay race that is the War on Terror. In fact, the only people al-Maliki seems to be serving are the insurgents whom he lets run wildly through the streets like so many Spanish bulls.

Historians are all quick to point out that Nouri al-Maliki is a divider, not a uniter, and therefore is not at all like President Bush. Unlike Bush, al-Maliki has failed miserably in bringing about reconciliation between his country's political and ethnic factions. Iraqi Democracy expert Dave Peterson points it out clearly stating, "If President Bush had found a man more in his image to take power in Iraq, we wouldn't have all these problems today."

Amongst his many problems, half of al-Maliki's cabinet refuse to attend meetings. Half of the half that refuse to show up have resigned while the remaining quarter simply don't want to be in the same room together. One outside observer pointed out, "The half of his cabinet that does show up?...It's the shi**y half."

Even embattled Vice President Dick Cheney has predicted that the al-Maliki government is, "in it's last throes" which could mean he'll still be in power for years to come. Meanwhile, many have compared al-Maliki to such huge leadership failures as Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton if she were ever to be put in such a position in real-life politics.

The Iraqi Parliament will take up the matter of al-Maliki's removal when it comes back from it's summer break in November.

A majority of fair minded analysts are demanding that al-Maliki be replaced by Eyad Allawi who many will remember from his brief but stellar role as interim Iraqi Prime Minister. After Allawi paves the way for Ahmed Chalabi to become Iraq's next democratically elected leader, Iraq should be stable enough for the United States and it's massive coalition to begin a slow withdrawal of contractors, followed by the consideration of limited troop withdrawal.

Only then can someone on the Iraqi side earn the right to stand on one of their own air craft carriers and proclaim in what ever language they speak, "Mission Accomplished."

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Ready, Set, Hitler!

Unpredictable and dangerous Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has taken one final political step before officially becoming the next Adolph Hitler. In an unprecedented move the Venezuelan "Congress", made up of mostly shamans, witch doctors, and tribal chiefs appointed by Chavez, has given approval to allow Chavez to rule with an iron-spiked fist of global oppression for the next 7 years to the rest of his life. It's up to the free world to decide which will come first.

Chavez, who undemocratically wrestled power away from Constitutionally appointed President Pedro Carmona in 2002, claims the lifting of his term limits received, "majority approval." Oppressed members of the opposition predict the reforms will allow Chavez to emulate his heroes like Pinochet, Castro, and Genghis Khan.

Most Venezuelans, hungry for Democracy and freedom, mourn the latest actions by the Chavez government. One desperate street roaming vagrant screamed out, "With these new policies the true leader of Venezuela may never take his rightful place as President of our impoverished country! Long live Carmona!!"

Carmona, who replaced Chavez as President until some of the more cocaine-crazed members of Chavez's military restored their narco-terrorist leader back to power, was the author of the revolutionary "Carmona Decree". The Carmona Decree, had it been enacted, would have permanently rid the Western Hemisphere of Soros-funded, socialist dictators bent on attacking America.

The winds of change are truly blowing through the streets of Venezuela as the people begin organizing marches against the Chavez government, demanding Carmona's return to power. Public perception of Chavez turned sour when he used his rapidly expanding Presidential power to shut down an innocent TV news station whose only crime was standing up for democracy in a post 9-11 world.

PLN tyranny expert Ted Christie points out the obvious saying, "Imagine if America had a strong arm socialist like Al Gore as President and he shut down PLN. He just walks right into the Prime Legitimate News building and pulls the plug. All 28 stories go dark. Americans would riot in the m**her fu*king streets."

One of the few shirt-wearing members of the Venezuelan assembly, Ismael Garcia, argued that all political points of view must be represented in Venezuela. No word yet on whether Garcia will receive a stadium execution.

For the Venezuelan people there is only quiet hope. The most optimistic rumors place Carmona living amongst Venezuelan exiles in Miami, but as everyone suffering under Chavez's sadistic repression knows, he could very well be withering away in one of Venezuela's many state-run death camps.

No matter where he is, on the streets of Venezuela you can be sure of one thing. If you're very quiet you can hear the people's hearts crying out into the night, "Carmona."

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The Anti-Surge  

The Palestinian citizens of Gaza had the festive opportunity to break out the candles and flashlights this week as their electricity had been shut off due to the actions of their terrorist government, Hamas. Responding to reports that Hamas has been siphoning off funds from aid shipments, the European electricity donors stopped all inflowing electro-aid.

"The message should be clear. Support terror, lose basic utilities," a European Union spokesperson said at press conference in Europe.

Residents of Gaza improvised playful games of musical houses, following the irregular power supply in order to charge their lap tops, cell phones, and dialysis machines.

The people who are truly reaping the benefits of this refreshing break from the norm are those who have electricity generators to sell. As one excited Gaza citizen told PLN, "If you have a generator, you basically own the goose that lays golden eggs. You are a king here. Your chances of scoring are higher than the 70% increase in the price of generators since last year."

The generator business is so brisk people like Mahmoud Zayyad, who owns a popular home supply shop gushed at the thought of all the profits to be gained stating, "We don't have enough generators. People need electricity. We need more generators!"

The lack of electricity goes to show Hamas that the civilized world will not deal with a terrorist government. The lesson here is: if you support terror, we will strike at the heart of your government by plunging it's people into prehistoric darkness.

A recently retired Secretary of Defense suggested that the Western world should take advantage of this unique opportunity saying, "Maybe while the lights are off, Israel can sneak in there and spruce the place up a bit."

Hamas has controlled the Israeli territorial portion of Gaza since it massacred Fatah forces there in June. The rabid terrorist group even went so far as to arrest the Fatah appointed electric company director on corruption charges, but the case doesn't hold water in the eyes of the national community since Gazan law demands that there needs to be at least one goat on the jury.

For now Gazans can enjoy the renewed appreciation for electricity that you can only feel when it's taken out of your life.

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Canada Starts World War III

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has recently completed a three day trip to the far North of the globe, and has pledged to spend billions of dollars(Canadian) in order to defend Canada's "national sovereignty" in the Arctic. All this grand standing comes one week after Russian submarines dropped a Russian flag on the floor of the Arctic Ocean.

All analysts agree that with tension running high in a freshly democratized Iraq, terrorists running wild in Afghanistan ever since the cut and runners started micro managing the War on Terror, and Iran being what it is, Canada should know better than to provoke Russia with unnecessary land grabs. Canada has even gone so far as to announce the construction of a massive underwater fort smack-dab in the middle this Arctic war-zone.

Meanwhile the Russians are defending the actions of the submarine crew stating, "Look, we may have dropped a flag. I think we may have also dropped some shirts and a couple of used magazines. The only things we're guilty of are loving sea exploration and littering. No more, perhaps less."

In order to quell any disputes America has sent in several teams of scientists, contractors, as well as private and public military personnel to the Arctic. The Americans will oversee the conflict as Canada, Russia, Venezuela, Norway, and long shot Denmark battle it out to gain control of the Arctic seabed that the U.S. Geological Society estimates contains as much as 25% of the world undiscovered oil and natural gas.

Spokesperson for the Canadian Prime Minister made a desperate effort to convince the world how much Canada had really loved "their" arctic seabed all along as he railed off a litany of liberal buzz words ranging from "environmental protection" to "resource based potential" and even playing the whole "national sovereignty" card. All the while Prime Minister Harper has begun what looks to be his own Blitzkrieg, increasing the size of his Arctic battleship fleet by 25% in order to eliminate all opposition.

A spokesperson for the US State Dept. asserts that, "Canada does not own the Arctic Northwest. These are neutral waters, and neutral waters are just that: neutral. These waters don't know who owns them. We, as Americans, simply want to make certain that which ever country ends up in complete control of the ice...shelf or whatever it is, is a stable Democracy."

Russians claim that because the ice shelf contains the Lomonosov ridge, a 1,240 mountain range extending from the Eurasian continent, that the land is theirs under international law. By that same logic the Bering Straight is part of Alaska therefore Russia is U.S. territory.

The reason for the sudden influx in interest in this spicy piece of real estate stems from one of the many hidden benefits of global warming. As global warming melts the Northwest Passage, sweet slices of oil-packed land become exposed. The rapid melting will also create a an attractive shipping route, a new Panama Canal of sorts, through which commercial ships can shave 2,480 miles of their trips from Europe to Asia.

Since America has had a hugely successful history as guardian of the Panama canal, it only seems natural that we oversee the New Alaskan canal as well. Heck, we might even make it our 51st state!

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The Real Narco-Fascists

In a move that rivals the British tea tax of 1773, liberals in the rogue state of California have moved to increase the tax on popular flavored malt beverages like Zima, Smirnoff Ice, and Smirnoff Ice Triple Black from 20 cents a gallon to a whopping $3.30 per gallon! The idea is to punish the manufacturers of the drinks for supposedly marketing the beverages to children. The tax increase will take effect in July 2008.

Proponents of the move to more than double the tax on these zesty beverages believe that adding to the price of the drinks will discourage children from drinking alcohol.

"The overarching policy concern here was...under-aged drinking," says tax board chairwoman Betty Yee. Yee believes that the makers of refreshing beverages such as Zima and Smirnoff Ice have purposefully made it, "look like you're drinking something hip."

Head of Marketing for the Valencia Beverage Co. Ken R. Stevenson agrees, but doesn't see things exactly the same way. "If Mrs. Yee thinks that cracking open a bottle of one of our many flavored tickets to paradise is hip, she's right," he retorts, "I'm just not so sure that if something is hip it necessarily has to be for kids. Many of us would like to remain hip well into our drinking age."

In fact Stevenson sees the flavored malt beverages as being marketed more towards older drinkers. Most top level Mixologists agree, based on their intensive studies, that as one gets older and starts drinking more heavily in order to counteract the body's natural resistance to repeated substance exposure you're going to want to mix it up a little. As Stevenson puts it, "Flavored malt beverages are geared more toward older drinkers tired of the same old Schlitz."

He goes on to give some examples of "blasting refreshment sure to light up your nights" as proof:

- Zima A L'Orange: classic Zima refreshment with a triple blast of orange, pear, and Panax Ginseng from China.

- Ice Berry Zima: tastes just like eating berries in the North Pole while snowboarding over a polar bear's grave!

- Zimamegranate - an anti-oxidant packed Zima with natural pomegranate flavor, enhanced with 2CCs of Tahitian Goji Berry extract.

Zimig - fig flavored Zima.

Pinkleberry Zima - actually tastes like the color pink!

Swamp Zima: Shrek's Special Brew - a green tinted, apple flavored Zima inspired by the film Shrek.

- and one more flavor.

Valencia Beverage Co. warehouse manager G. Roy Galenz knows that the added tax won't do anything to deter under-aged drinking stating, "Kids like booze. They can't help it. It's kids. Look, this just terrible. It's exactly like what the Nazis did except instead of people, it's drinks."

CA Tax Board Spokeswoman Anitia Gore(probably related) started to drool out the corners of her mouth as she tallied up the "serious ca-ching"(money), estimating that the new tax could bring in an extra $30-$40 million dollars a year. Most of the money will go towards fixing California's Gray Davis-ruined economy and will also partially be used to fund Hillary's failed 2008 Presidential campaign.

G. Roy Galenz steams and holds back a multitude of punches saying through clinched teeth, "We'll stop them. Come on, you don't mess with the booze business. Seriously, it's DOA. Just cause you take a beer and put some f**kin' fruits in it, don't make it no crime."

Hopefully, the people of California will see the light and begin throwing boxes, bottles, and water towers full of fruit flavored malt beverages into San Francisco bay and other local bodies of ocean water.

"Imagine if people saw the real danger," warns Stevenson, "This measure is only going to inspire more children to drink as many of these stimulating, effervescent alcoholic beverages as possible from now until July 2008, when you could very well expect a bloodbath."

It looks like the latest victims of liberal micro management are innocent, freedom loving, drinking age Californians. It leads many experts to ask, "Aside from Governor recalls, is there anything that state does RIGHT?"

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American Bin Laden

Looks as though it's justice at last for Islamic extremist Jose Padilla, the man many are calling "The American Bin Laden", as he was found guilty on all charges of terrorism in a Florida court on August 16th. He will be sentenced on December 5th. Padilla and two of his Al Qaeda co-horts face lenient life sentences.

Padilla, an honorary US citizen, was held as an enemy combatant for conspiring to murder people, plant multiple radioactive dirty bombs in several US daycare centers, and fund several different Al Qaeda related groups in and around the Middle East.

Padilla was originally charged with conspiring to plant a radioactive dirty bomb, but the charge had to be dropped when prosecutors started to feel bad for Padilla in light of all the massive evidence against him that wouldn't quit piling up.

One overwhelmed member of the prosecutorial research staff, Carl S. West said during a rare break, "This man did so much terrorist activity that we can't keep track of it all. It's as if he did too much terror stuff for us to even prosecute him on it!"

Padilla's defense attorneys didn't even call any witnesses. PLN legal analyst Mike Reis points out, "The defense knew that if they called somebody to the stand and asked them if they saw any terrorists in the courtroom, it would look really bad when the witness points directly at their client."

Lawyers for the defendants made a string of bad pop-cultural references referring to Padilla's case as "a giant game if six degrees of separation based on nothing," and mocked the prosecutor's case as "snake oil". Everybody knows when defense attorneys start making references to 80's movie icons and using gutter slang like "snake oil" they're grasping for a far distant, half empty glass of lies.

Prosecutors put fourth truckloads of substantial evidence supporting the documented fact that Padilla and friends supported terrorist activities from 1993 to 2001, mostly under Clinton's watch. It took an administration so committed to protecting the people of America with an act called "The Patriot" to finally round up these sub-human threats to democracy, the flag, and a way of life that's better than any other on planet Earth.

Legal experts all across the board agree that just because Padilla never committed violent acts and wasn't involved in the terrorist attacks of September 11th doesn't mean he wasn't directly responsible for them.

Anyone who supports terrorists whether financially, politically, or metaphysically immediately falls under the same umbrella of Anti-American. Everyone agrees that if you're against America and the American way of life, you're just as bad as someone who flies an airplane into a building.

With pro-terror liberals accusing the Bush administration of "over reaching" in prosecuting obvious terrorists one fact remains clear, as illustrated by an unnamed defense department official, "In a tricky game like the War On Terror you're better off over reaching than not reaching at all."

After all, we still don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.

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M.C. Rove's Last Jam

"Karl Rove is movin' on down the road," President Bush told reporters outside his Crawford, TX ranch. Rove then stepped forward to announce that he was stepping down as Bush's senior adviser and deputy chief of staff in order to spend more time with his family.

"I...uh...I been talkin(g) to Karl for a while about, uh...his desire to...spend more time with Darby and Andrew," President Bush explained to a stunned nation.

Presidential historians all agree that the average American people do not understand the pull of family until they're actually in a situation like Rove's. The natural human instinct to want to be with ones family, to spend more time with them as it were, has led to the ends of many bright political careers. Most point to Richard Nixon as the most prime example of a man torn between service to one's country and spending time with precious family.

Historical psychologist Dale Thompson explains, "Here was a man so conflicted, in such need of family togetherness, that he organizes a purposefully botched "break in" so that his family wouldn't be saddled with the guilt of knowing they were the true reasons Nixon abandoned the most important office in the known world simply in order to spend more time with them."

The left wing media and Congress pounced on Rove like a gang of backed up sailors, flinging false accusations in his face. Both the Senate and House judiciary committees have promised to continue investigating Rove, after he leaves office, like a crazy ex. They've even threatened Rove with contempt of Congress for refusing to comply with various irrelevant subpoenas to testify about his role in re-vamping our currently partisan judicial system by ridding it of activist judges like Carol Lam who based every decision she made on her passionate desire for an open border policy. Rove, of course, refused to testify based on executive privilege which covers every White House employee from the President to Harriet Meirs to the White House dogs.

Rove's resignation was disclosed during an interview with PLN's own Dale Facklery, late Sunday night. The interview was ultimately plagiarized by the Wall Street Journal on Monday morning. In the interview Rove discusses the number one issue effecting all Americans in every aspect of their lives: immigration, and Rove's confidence that his agenda will be carried through even after his departure.

What comes across in Facklery's interview is a clean cut, straight, average American with a deep love of freedom and the American political system. It's a love he's acted on ever since he opened a tiny non-profit charity organization, Karl Rove & Co., in order to assist grass roots movements in the Texas political arena.

Just as the weak must always attack the strong in order to justify their pathetic existence, the entire left has called Rove's resignation the death of his agenda. Even Democratic Presidential hopeful John Edwards gussied up enough brawn to say of Rove's exit, "Good bye and good riddance," a phrase popularized by bathhouse homosexuals in 1860's London.

What Rove illustrates most clearly in his conversation with PLN's Facklery is that the prospects for complete implementation of his agenda have never been sweeter. With social security inches away from total privatization, the tax cuts set in stone, and Iraqis being freer than ever the only thing to be determined is whether or not Rove's last minute wish of repealed term limits will be carried through.

Many have often faulted Rove for being too brilliant in his execution of political strategy often seeing his greatest victories as debilitating failures. The most astute of political analysts know that in order to secure the permanent Republican majority of his dreams, Karl's Republicans needed to concede a minuscule amount of power to the Democrats for a limited time of two years. Thompson reminds us that Rove, "orchestrated a Republican Congressional defeat in order to remind the American people how bad the democratic party is at governing."

In order to celebrate his newly announced departure Rove will attend an honorary banquet hosted by Ahmed Chalabi and Talon News reporter Jeff Gannon who Rove says he's, "very, very, very much looking forward to reuniting with."

During his announcement at the Western White House Rove told the American people, "I will join those whom you meet in your travels. The ordinary Americans who tell you they're praying for you." To which Bush responded by looking strongly into Rove's eyes and pronouncing, "I'll be on the road behind you."

Unless Congress decides to do something about those out-of-date term limits.

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Like Father, Like Son

The son of impeached former President Bill Clinton's movie star Vice President Al Gore has managed to use his father's status to take advantage of the court of law. In a move not unlike his father, who tried to steal the 2000 election by manipulating the justice system, Al Gore III managed to avoid the usually mandatory 20 years to life for Marijuana smuggling and possession of "illegal prescription drugs", which is is bribed-cop code for "meth". Instead Gore will spend 90 days in a drug rehabilitation retreat.

This complete slap to the sensitives of Lady Justice stems from a July 4th arrest when Gore was nabbed driving a "Hybrid" Prius at speeds above 100mph. The sheriff's deputies initially became suspicious considering that Prius cars begin to come apart at speeds of at least 62mph.

While inspecting the possible fake hybrid car the officers smelled marijuana and discovered a large brick of pure organic Blueberry Hill strain indica bud with massive crystallization. Along with the chronic, the officers also discovered a litany of illegally obtained prescription drugs including Vicodin, Xanax, Adderall, Sominex, Tylenol PM+, and Valium all of which could have been brought across the Mexican border by migrants hoping to score some quick cash off of sympathetic, drug addicted liberals like Gore.

Allan Stokke, Gore's lawyer, said that Al and Tipper are still supportive of their criminal son leading many leading psychologists to ask, "What does this kid have to do to get his parents disapproval, decapitate a faithfully celibate nun?"

Political analysts are all ready agreeing 100 percent that Gore III now officially has no chance of following his father's footsteps into public life. Ted Grogan of the political watchdog group Citizens for a United America points out, "There go his Presidential hopes, if he had any. Everybody knows that if you want to be a legitimate President you can't have any flagrant drug use of any kind in your known past. I think this kid might have inhaled."

The good news to come out of this is that if Gore fails to complete the state authorized treatment program, or if he's inevitably caught using drugs, he can be sent to prison. Many speculate that it's only a matter of time before Jr. gets caught making a bong out of his father's biodegradable "Inconvenient Truth" DVD boxes and ends up with the much deserved 20 years to life prison sentence.

Only then will justice have been served and we can start covering the stories that really matter like: How much money is Al Gore making off his Global Warming fantasy, really? And, how much weed can you buy with that?

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Crazy Sheehan-igans!

Sheehan has given Pelsoi two weeks to bring the impeachment proceedings to the floor. "Perhaps to take unique advantage of Pelosi's menstrual cycle" observes Guy Bullock, co founder of the United Center for Indivisible Policy Studies. "Female political figures are very dangerous, but also very cleaver, due to the scientifically proven onslaught of life-long mood swings that plague all women."

Sheehan stated that she will run against Pelosi as an "Independent", which is basically code for "Ameri-communist". Bullock thinks her Independent status will only help Republicans in the long run. If Sheehan knocks Pelosi off, then it would surely tip the House in favor of the GOP which only needs to pick up two or three seats to retain their permanent majority.

A terrified Pelosi spokesperson almost needed a change of pants after hastily explaining, "July will be a month of action in Congress to end the war."

Sheehan, tired of mostly left wing smear tactics, abandoned her job as leader of the anti-war movement in order to make some congressional cash with her new-found fame. She even went so far as to say that her anti-war efforts had been "in vain" probably because she realized that no matter what she did, she couldn't weaken the morale of our soldiers in harm's way.

Most analysts concurrently agree that Sheehan, who has no experience in politics, would be great fodder for a situation comedy, but isn't likely to do America any good. When asked why she wanted to impeach President Bush she railed off the same tired left wing talking points we've heard for the past six-odd years, even dusting off the ol' "domestic spying" and "Hurricane Katrina" woes. All the while New Orleans has been re-built and Clinton did plenty of domestic spying when he wasn't cheating on his wife.

Sheehan said publically that she hopes Pelosi would file the articles of impeachment so that Sheehan can move onto other projects including a possible cookbook. Pelosi, however, has already made the solemn promise: "Impeachment is off the table." This kind of promise, which she reportedly made under oath, in the presence of the President is not something anyone can go back on without facing serious legal, political, and personal consequences.

Many astute political observers say that for Pelosi to attempt to impeach the President would be both political and literal suicide. As Bullock points out, "It can't be done. It won't be done. She promised."

While a debate between Sheehan and Pelosi would entertainingly de-evolve into a bra burning contest in which the only issue debated is who hates the troops more, one serious fact remains the same: They both believe the world would be better off with Saddam still in power.

With logic like that on their sides, it looks to be Pelosi vs. Sheehan in a hair flinging battle to see who steals more votes from the other, leading to an all out San Francisco-style Republican victory.

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Problems with your bulletin

A) In the past 7 years Hugo Chavez has won 10 free and fair democratic elections

PLN says: If Hugo Chavez is such a big election winner, why does he want to do away with elections? Seems he'd want to have more if he's 7 for 10, as you say he is.

B) In 2001 Camorna came to power in a milatary Coup De Ta where they kidnapped Chavez - CAMORNA HAS NEVER WON AN ELECTION IN VENEZUELA

PLN: He may never have one an "election" in Venezuela, but he won the hearts of the people.

C) This coup was backed by the true tyrants of freedom in central America the United States of America

PLN: Wow. Maybe there are a few freedom haters in Central America, but come on. North America is Freedom Central, everybody knows that.

D) Chavez is a socialist he taxes the riches and gives better amenities to the poor - the complete opposite of Pinochet who was again supported by USA

PLN: Chavez is a communist. He taxes the rich, and fattens up the poor so he can eat them later. All communists have been proven evil by natural laws, scientists, theologians, and special interest groups. As for Pinochet, his only problem was not expanding Operation Condor into Venezuela to root out Chavez in his teens.

E) Under Chavez Venezuela has been involved in ZERO military conflicts

PLN: But he refused to send troops to Iraq, so in that way he's supporting terrorism.

F) The only opposition to Chavez is the rich who suffer from higher taxes and American oil corporations who were kicked out when he nationalized the oil industry.

PLN: You forgot to mention the civilized world.

G) Venezuela, if you had ever bothered to go, has complete freedom of speech. One section of the media calls him a Nazi another a Communist the others a national hero.

PLN: At least some of the Venezuelan media are allowed to tell the truth. Hopefully they can keep their identities under wraps, therefore live another month.

---- one piece of advice by so troubled propagandist never believe what the American government spews up on fox news and always check allegations with genuine evidence; the rich control the media the poor control the elected government -------
PEACE

PLN: ----But, the rich also control the poor, so where does that leave you? Please keep making Prime Legitimate News your ONLY source for even and honest news, all the time!
PEACE, at what price?
The PLN News Team

Many upon many Americans who are concerned about the prevailing media bias toward the far left wing of the "American" Democratic party have contacted us via e-mail, telephone, and rotoscope begging to have PLN broadcast in their area.

Our standard response is:

CONTACT YOUR LOCAL CABLE PROVIDERS!!!

We at Prime Legitimate News have little to no power over the hundreds of activist cable providers who refuse to give their hard working subscribers access to even and honest news coverage 24 hours a day.

On a medical level it makes us sick to our cores to see such disregard for objective reporting. This is why we are asking you our viewers to contact your local cable providers, congress personel, and city council members DEMANDING that they make room for the most even and honest news channel ever to hit the airwaves.

Think about being able to tune in and get the unvarnished truth any time, all the time. All the time!

Offer them a sample of our fantastic programming like the segment from our top rated debate show "Facklery & Dean" available on Myspace or at:

"F & D" airs every weeknight at 8pm only on PLN!

Demand prime legitimacy in your news, today!

Remember:

We deliver the news, you sign for it!

- The Prime Legitimate News Team

May, 2007

PLN Congratulates America And The Bald Eagle

It's morning in America all over again for the triumphant American Bald Eagle. The bird we all know and love as a Christian symbol of freedom and democracy is being removed from the endangered species list by the United States Fish and Wildlife Service. Virtually all bird scientists agree that this is the conclusive evidence they need to finally link up the most popular theory regarding Bald Eagle population patterns.

Based on their exclusive data, the National Center for Eagle Conservationism has come to some startling conclusions. "If you look at the numbers and how they correspond with recorded events in history it becomes very clear that you have more Bald Eagles when America is at it's most patriotic and quite the reverse when it is not," says NCEC's Rey Del Fazio "It's almost like...like...the Eagles can FEEL it."

Not everyone agrees, and since this is America, that's OK. Still, many Soros funded Scientologists say the Eagle populations dwindled because they were exposed to the widely used pesticide known as DDT which supposedly rendered the Eagles incapable of creating their patriotic offspring. "Nothing could have more distance between the truth and it. DDT is an old wives tale invented by Al Gore's grandfather and a couple of lesbians. Look at the numbers."

- During World War 2 the Eagle numbers were at an all time high. You could almost hear the mighty battle cry of a grown male Eagle echo through the frosty Wyoming air as Hitler off'd himself in that bunker.

- However, by 1963 the Eagle numbers took a sharp dive when America suddenly became overly saddened by President Kennedy's death. At that time the Eagles hit an all time low of 417 breeding pairs

- Things got so bad for the down and out Eagles throughout our increasing involvement in the messy Vietnam war that they had to be put on federal protection(the bird version of welfare) in 1967.

- The Bald Eagle's luck quickened when Nixon got a foothold of power in 1972.

- With Carter's election the species was practically wiped off the map.

- Eagle numbers rose steadily throughout the Regan revolution, suddenly tapering off a little bit when George HW Bush refused to finish off Saddam.

- The election of William "Jefferson" Clinton seemed likely to be the final nail in the coffin for these majestic birds of prey.

"The Eagles were so turned off by what they could feel was our collective disgust at a President gone wild," observes Del Fazio. Studies show, after the Lewinsky scandal, Eagles refused to engage in any mating activity for the remainder of Clinton's presidency.

Then a miracle happened. An ace President took us into a global war against the forces of evil. "After that, well...look at the numbers! More than 9,700 breeding pairs!" Del Fazio knows that Eagle population has nothing to do with human encroachment at all. "These birds have loved us ever since George Washington refused to chop down their cherry trees."

True story.

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And So It Begins...

BREAKING NEWS! Shifty lawyer Howard K Stern has just filed Anna Nicole Smith's death-will in a California court. PLN's own Helga Von Streusel will break this story with muscle truck force tonight on a two and a half hour episode of "Off The Wire" (8pm Eastern).

She'll take us through the DNA drama wherein triumphant Aryan hero Lawrence Birkhead proved through seminal donation that he is IN FACT the father of wilted American legend Anna Nicole Smith's most valuable baby. Helga will spoon feed us the rest of this story like so many custard filled babies.

Now begins the gladiatory court battle-thon over who will finally fill their pockets with the contested money of Anna Nicole's also dead husband J. Howard Marshall(no relation to Howard K Stern).

If Anna Nicole's ghost ends up winning the money from the late Oil Tycoon in court then it will either go to:

A) Howard K Stern, who today filed Anna's will naming himself the executor of her estate.

B) Larry Birkhead, who has full ownership of the baby.

or

C) Prince Friedrich Von Anhult of Germany, who still claims to perhaps being the father of Anna Nicole's baby saying, "Look, I gave my DNA to lots of people. Wether or not they decided to test it...I just don't know."

PLN's own financial analyst and host of "Market Minute" Bernard "Bernie" Hernandez puts it on the table, "Who ever wins this court battle is sure to rake in some serious CA-CHIIIIING!! The catch is that this lady swallowed her money 16 times daily, as needed. The only cash Anna Nicole really has is the money she actually doesn't have. In order to get that massive Ca-Ching they need to tap the geezer geyser!"

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Late April, 2007

Democrats Find Truth Offensive

Nowadays everybody's getting into trouble for saying something or other that offends a far left fringe-tank, smear group, or college basketball team. Add legitimate Presidential candidate John McCain to the list of celebrities who have been dunk-tanked by the liberal media for letting the straight talk express do the bull-horning. McCain came under fire for putting his foreign policy into song with his solid rendition of "Bomb Iran" which he sang to the tune of perennial Beach Boys classic "Barbara Ann" at a pep rally. Some who share the enemy's viewpoint claim the song was "offensive" and/or "distasteful."

Funny they should think so now when you consider that singing foreign policy based classics has been McCain's thing for months. Many recall his other hits: "Let's Destroy Venezuela" a classy spin on "La Bamba", McCain's smooth Elvis-inspired "Heartbreak Habib" about the necessity of Gitmo, and his rare version of the Beatles "Shake It Up, Baby" wherein he calls for the "flattening of East Timor".

Political analysts agree that these songs show evidence of a prime sense of humor and that such silly banter is par for the course. McCain rightfully told anyone questioning his style to "Lighten up,"and "get a life."

All campaign experts understand that the bottom line is this: "What happens on the campaign trail stays on the campaign trial." That holds true wether it's a joke, insult, promise, or otherwise. As spokesperson for the Giuliani campaign J. Carchio puts it, "All that stuff is just stuff politicians say to get elected. That's it. It's all just stuff. It don't mean nothin'. I mean, come on, right?"

He should know. McCain isn't the only one taking it on the chin for expressing free speech in a time of war. Presidential hopeful Rudolph "Rudy" Giuliani was the recipient of a full frontal media bukkake for his even and honest assessment of the catastrophic chain of events sure to unravel if the Democrats maintain their stranglehold on American power when he observed, "America will be safer with a Republican President."

All Giuliani seems to be saying is that if the American people vote into power the party with a vaginal foreign policy then there are bound to be massive terrorist reprisals leaving millions dead. Mothers, children, puppies, and even a few endangered species will be off'd in a hurry however that's still not enough to spur the liberals into action.

See the pattern? The Republicans prop up a candidate who is 100% certain to win the Presidency in 08, and the media takes their orders and destroys said candidate. It's all part of the smear campaign set fourth by the Soros funded leftist junta to ruin the credibility of the mayor who was single handedly there on 9-11. Carchio thinks the most recent character assassinations are, "All about the democrats being jealous because they can't fight terror, or even find a decent human being to run for President."

"To fight an effective war on terror you need to remind the American people how much danger they're constantly in," says electoral guru Dick Morris. "The American people are in terrific danger even with Republicans in office. Think of the metal-storm that will reign down if the Democrats, who can't stop running away from the enemy, win in '08. Everyday would be 9-11."

Que America's mayor...or should we say President*.

* Unless McCain wins.

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April 17th, 2007

 
Enough Already!

Scandal. The mainstream media can't seem to get enough. Why not? Scandal makes ratings, sells copy, and rakes in mazoolah. Many say the media's grub-like tendency to wallow in dirt leads them to add the word "gate" to whatever the Bush administration does, says, or gestures. Attorney General Gonzales scandal? Gonzales-gate. Male prostitute in White House Pres Corps? Gannon-gate. E-mail-gate, Plame-gate, Cheneyshotaguy-gate, Katrina-gate, MCRove-Gate. Gate gate gate gate-gate...GATE!

The court jesters in the media don't have Nixon to kick around anymore, but they can't help but use Bush Jr in order to burn tricky Dick in effigy.

"Here's what this whole scandal-mania is all about, really." observes political strategist Dick Morris. "The left couldn't go after Reagan because of his flawless Presidency, Clinton was one of their own, so along comes W, Rove, and Cheney. The liberal sect of the media must have seen this as an unleashed Nixonian Cerberus prime to be spade, de-spirited, and made to wear a tiny knit puppy-sweater. It's a classic Pavlovian relationship. The media tells the people that President Bush is the reason for all their problems, the dogs believe it, and start salivating. Just like Pavlov salivated when his dog rang that bell."

Analysts point to how the media jumped all over Karl Rove for deleting a couple of spam e-mails from private White House accounts. "The media treated it as if Karl Rove has shredded Monica's "splorched" blue dress, after having licked off the stains," states media analyst Greg Baxter of the United Media Front. Senate Democrats have compared the missing White House e-mails to the famous Nixon White House Tapes. However, most are saying that the missing e-mails are more along the lines of Regan's jellybeans than Nixon's tapes in actual pound for pound scandal value.

With Nixon you have tapes, break-ins, and obvious criminal activity. It was all out in the open and all cleverly orchestrated by Democratic operative John Dean. The main difference between now and then is that the media now really needs to go searching through the White House trash in order to find even a single shred of a scandal. They then take that tiny piece of out of context misinformation, and fill in the blanks with their biased imaginations. It's how 95% of the news is made, today.

The flaming left will even go so far as to trample the Bush Administration's civil liberties in order to drum up their looney case for impeachment. They've gone after Karl Rove's former associate, prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, as if like some sick ex-girlfriend Fitzgerald kept all of Karl Rove's e-mails from a previous slander operation/investigation. Fitzgerald wisely refused to comment on the Democrats nosing about his personal e-mails. Hopefully, he's deleted them as any good friend would do.

What's amazing to most analysts that the same political party that is wrist deep inside the American Civil Liberties Union would so savagely throw their Russian-style values out the window when given the opportunity to take down a prime, legitimate Presidential administration.

Many believe the real trick the Democrats have pulled off is the fact that they've made it so the Bush Administration can't be open with the public about anything. When you consider that the Administration CANNOT COMMENT ON ON-GOING INVESTIGATIONS you'll understand what happens when the Democrats investigate everything the Republicans do. White House spokesperson Dana Perino points it out perfectly, "I'd love to be able to lay everything out on the table, but as you know we can't comment on on-going investigations."

All I asked her was where the bathroom is.

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April 13th, 2007

 
Stoned Policy  

A freelance U.S. delegation, lead by radical Chavez-like New Mexican Governor Bill Richardson, has attempted to bribe North Korea in order to allow "United Nations" nuclear weapons inspectors into their wing-bat country. Richardson wants to give brainwashed North Koreans $25 Million Dollars in disputed funds, mixed in with a few dollars of American taxpayer's money, in order to allow in the same weapons inspector that FAILED to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. No telling how much of that cash Richardson will pocket for himself.

A high-level pentagon official has a different plan, "How about we keep the $25 Million, and give the North Koreans a taste of OUR nuclear capability. It's hard to tell which country Bill Richardson is running for President of."

These bizarre displays of freak-diplomacy have many asking "Who would vote for this man?", and answering, "Him, his wife, and possibly the local drunk he bribed with a peyote bundle."

Meanwhile on the home front Richardson has seen to it to seriously cut away at the very fabric of American society. The state over which he rules, New Mexico, has recently become front line 1 in the noble War on Drugs. In a politically suicidal move Richardson signed a "bill" legalizing marijuana for "sick" people. Richardson says, "It's the right thing to do." Former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton says, "Thank God we have Federal laws against this swarming plague of medical marijuana use. We need to reign in these rouge states turned cartels, and do away with all the Richardsons out there."

Bolton is referring to the unquestionably legitimate 1970 Federal Controlled Substances Act which forbids the use of "devil weed." Last month, in a stunning and outright victory for the Bush Administration, the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that a woman with an inoperable brain tumor may not smoke dangerous marijuana to ease her pain.

The ruling hasn't stopped states like California where anyone with a "mild cough" to a "rough morning" is allowed to have access to top quality mari-buds under state law. Carlo J. Himenez runs one of many Guerilla Keef-houses about to take New Mexico by storm. Regarding his legalized, illegal operation, "Yeah man, what? Look, it's fully legit. We just got fresh legal shipments of Afgooey, Grandfather Kush, and ***** Urkle*."

No plans have been laid out yet for what Richardson will decide to do with all the extra cash he'll make from slingin' dope. Many think he'll probably just end up giving it to North Korea.

* Due to recent racial fallout from the Don Imus story we cannot publish the full name of this particular marijuana strain.

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April 12th, 2007

Imus Pays For Hip Hop's Sins  

Turns out the vile influence of radical urban Hip-Hop culture has impacted even the most mainstream of entertainers. Don Imus has taken it family style from every conceivable direction for satirical comments he made during the comedy portion of his "adults-only" MSNBC morning simulcast. Dom Imus has been in the news so much lately you'd think he was the father of Anna Nicole's baby. He's not. Larry Birkhead is the father, and he thinks this whole Imus thing is, "unheard of."

Incase you haven't consumed any form of media in the last few days Imus has been in hot water for a joke he made about how the Rutgers girls basketball team looked tired and needed to take "naps". He then went on to suggest the team "hose" down and get some rest. The mainstream media, Rutgers University, Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson, and even former actor Michael Richards have all called for Imus to resign for what they perceived as racist comments.

"It's an affront to freedom of speech and the whole constitutional process," cries Stanley Burn-Staunton. He blames the ambiguities of language for the hip hop influenced populace's unanimous misunderstanding of Imus's "sleepy time joke".

"Of course Jackson, Sharpton, and those "types" would think that Imus was calling the girls "nappy" or "hos". This "hip-hop" slang has poisoned our pure culture and changed the meaning of our beloved American language."

Staunton defends Imus pointing out that, "Imus is of a whole different generation, untainted by viral hip-hop, it's salacious beats, and subversive ghetto-porn lyrics."

Thinking people all seem to agree that Imus is the only victim in this case which is why PLN is currently in negotiations with Imus and his producer/sidekick to broadcast their own brand of pre-urbanized comedy incase Imus decides not to kill himself. The show would air on closed-circuit PLN radio(available in select buildings) between the Dean Liphaus Radio Hour and "Infomercials".

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April 11th, 2007

Bush Unites Iraqis!

600,000 peaceful, flag waving, free Iraqi people marched three miles through some of their holiest cities in order to celebrate Iraq's 4th year of freedom and democracy. The breezy streets of Baghdad fell silent under a 24 hour driving ban during the festivities. "It's a real street fair atmosphere," commented an observer. Several Iraqis even began impromptu bonfires using anything from sticks to large stuffed figures and pieces of flag material.

Things have gotten so good in Iraq that the pro-democracy demonstration was organized by none other than Shiite Priest Muqtada Al-Sadr. Many believe that through this act Al-Sadr, who has had some slight disagreements with the U.S. in the past, has become a real "stand up guy."

Along with the upswing of positive vibes, reports of sectarian violence were close to slightly above zero, and only 25 people were killed or found dead in the country.

"These are Los Angeles numbers. It's truly encouraging. I hope it's a sign of great things to come," said Defense Department spokesperson Gordon Jondroe(appearing in his third PLN Prime Top Story in a Row! Congratulations, Gordon!)

"Iraq is now a place where people can freely gather and express their opinions," said U.S. military spokesman Col. Steven Boylan who praised the parade stating that the Iraqi people, "could not have done this four years ago. If Saddam were alive to see this he would hang himself."

Despite unanimous optimism there is still much work to be done as Jondroe points out, "We have much more progress ahead of us." Military experts like Jondroe agree that the future of Iraq's security lies in the so-far thoroughly "Keystone" Iraqi Army. "The United States, the coalition, and the Iraqis have much more to do. But, for now...let's party."

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Uranium Junkies

Most weapons experts who are worth their weight in salt say, "3000" centrifuges are enough to make enough nuclear bombs to bring fourth the kingdom of heaven in one fell swoop, completing Ahmadinejad's vision of a hyper-Muslim nuclear post-apocalypse. National Security Council spokesman Gordon Jondroe shares that opinion explaining, "Iran continues to defy the international community...by expanding it's nuclear program." Ahmadinejad taunted freedom Monday stating, "I declare that as of today, our dear country(Iran) has joined the nuclear club." "What Iran doesn't know," says Jondroe "is that America is the leader of that club and we have the right to kick Iran out of the playhouse."

The U.N. reacted, doing the diplomatic version of playing with yourself in a sandbox, by imposing limited sanctions as if sanctions themselves weren't limited enough. Luckily for America and the American people President Bush is a "no limit President". A recently retired secretary of defense boasted, "We have a plan for Iran. We've had it for quite some time. Jeepers, I...I mean it's probably very sensitive information."

Ahmadinejad even tossed fourth some glitz with a huge party in the city of Natanz, where the centrifuges are located, to celebrate Iran's "National Day of Nuclear Energy". Boastfulness like that is enough to make Natanz the next Baghdad, that is if the liberals in Congress can see to it to kick the troops in harms way some cash.

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April 5th, 2007

Are You Syrious?

6:49 AM 

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Dolphin Safe Nukes

Dolphin boot-camp Sargent Doug King Vann leaps all over this liberal troop-smear saying, "Too cold? You think these dolphins can't take it? Ha. These animals are cross bred, well-trained killing machines. These animals can take on any intruder in any kind of water. Some of these animals have been genetically altered so as to allow them to hunt and kill out of water for a limited amount of time." (6 months)

Many local residents worry about the safety of such a program. Vann shrugs off their concerns, "Let me tell you something. These dolphins know who the bad guys are. It's a clear, detailed process:

A) The dolphin identifies a threat, notifies personnel.

B) The dolphin then interacts with the intruder.

C) Personnel comes by in order to clean up the mess."

Activist Leigh Calvez plans to dispute the proposal semi-asking, "We don't have anything as good as dolphins to protect us? That's hard to believe."

Always like the liberals to slam the troops first. A top secret Navy defense analyst says, "We as Americans should be proud to have these patriotic dolphins on our side, guarding our nuclear weapons. Hopefully, if this program is successful, the next nuclear bomb will be dropped not by a human being, but by a lovable dolphin."

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Tag Him and Bag Him

- The Attack on the Library Tower(now the U.S. Bank Building)

- Suicide attacks in Bali, Indonesia.

- A handful of minor arsons.

- A plot to put the famous toppled Saddam statue back up.

- Making QVC purchases with a false name.

- Aiding the famous shoe-bomber Richard Reid.

- Setting up Phil Spector

- Assassination attempts against: Presidents Carter, Clinton, Pope John Paul II, and Bennifer.

- Eating a live goldfish to impress a girl.

- Orchestrating the firings of 7 U.S. attorneys.(From Gitmo, no less)

and

- Flushing his own Koran.

Military tribunal expert Capt. Russ Fielding says, "These findings go to show how disturbed and prolific this guy was. For one man to have this kind of far reaching power and ability to orchestrate a multitude of tasks just proves how sophisticated these backwards Al Qaeda guys really are." His alarming assessment is sprinkled with optimism as Fielding concludes with relief, "Anyways, it's over cause we caught this guy. Success. End of story."

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Democrats Move To Halt Anti-Terrorism

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Missed Opportunity

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and 20,000 of his most rabid, mange-stricken fans gave confirmation to the largest strategical blunder of the "War on Terror": Not invading Venezuela FIRST. A soccer stadium in Buenos Aires became the smutty arena where Chavez, cutting a Mussolini-esque figure, riled up his toothless Klan calling President Bush an, "imperialist"(which simply means "good businessman"), a "gringo"(which is like them using the "n"word, but against white people), and calling for Bush's assassination stating that he is a "political cadaver".

A distinct majority of war analysts concur that this is a problem George W. Bush could have easily avoided if he had only gone into Venezuela sooner. Head of the United Foundation for Regime Change Studies Albert Gregory takes a page out of history to teach us a little about the present. "Bush really should have taken a lesson from his father who invaded Panama. That tiny little war really helped Bush senior gain the strength and confidence he needed to go on and win his Iraq war." So many in the CIA are slapping them selves in the head and crying, "If only we had invaded Venezuela as a warm up war!" Henry Brook, vice principal of the School of the Americas, fears it may be too late. "It's the ultimate tragedy. Everybody knows this Chavez is the number one threat to civilized human beings. He's Hitler times 5, but because of 9-11 everybody forgot and decided to go after Bin Laden in Iraq. Well Chavez only got stronger."

In fact Bush's War on Terror has only been like Popeye's Spinach to Chavez, strengthening his influence over terrorist nations across the globe whom he bribes with cheap oil, cocaine, and free red paramilitary jackets with berets. "He's best friends with Castro for C**st's sake!" adds a recently retired Secretary of Defense. Chavez, who receives most of his funding from Venezuela's rich oil reserves and George Soros, has been beefing up his military and is currently in negotiations with Iran to share some of those nukes Iran's been making.

The most sensible policy ever offered came from former Republican presidential candidate and world renowned Christian leader Pat Robertson who stated simply and firmly, "I don't know about this whole doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really oughta go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war."

Sound "imperialist" thinking, Gringo. Perhaps it's time to make Chavez the political cadaver...literally.

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March 8th, 2007

GUILTY!

A stunning shockwave of events has rocked the same legal system that set O.J. free. A decision has been reached by the 11 member "jury", in the case about whether or not Scooter Libby got events mixed up while trying to expose the lies of Joe Wilson. We at Prime Legitimate News have sketched out the dramatic unfolding of events in our own PLN "Wilson Trial Time Line":
 
2002 - Joe Wilson and his wife Valerie Plame concoct a harebrained scheme to subvert the Bush Administration's war plans by creating false intelligence regarding Iraq's proven uranium purchase from Nigeria.
 
2003 - Joe Wilson writes a huge article combining elements of both slander and treason in order to undercut the security of our country and the morale of our troops in harms way during wartime. The article was so riddled with misinformation that the only newspaper which agreed to print it was the New York Times.
 
2003 - Rumors that Wilson & Plame are operatives with the Democratic party begin to float about.
 
2003 - Cheney meets with Scooter Libby and Jeff Gannon in order to discuss the Wilson problem . They conclude that Plame and Wilson are part of a vast network of Liberals in both the media and Congress. They also discover that Plame had a summer job with the CIA doing work on Weapons of Mass Destruction(WMD). Plame's involvement with WMD helps to explain why no WMD were found in Iraq.
 
2003 - Moving swiftly to expose the truth Libby, Dick Armitage, Cheney, and Karl Rove meet and greet with members of the mainstream media including: Robert Novak, Matt Cooper, Judy Miller, Jeff Gannon, Bob Woodward, and definitely Tim Russert in order to spread the word about the Wilson's treasonous behavior.
 
2003 - The Bush administration falls into Plame's trap as it is revealed she was a "undercover" agent with the CIA, a claim that has yet to be proven although it explains how she got secret clearance in order to help Saddam hide his WMD.
 
2003 - Just as the Wilsons had planned, Plame's name was printed in the mainstream media along with the information about her stint undercover.
 
2003-2007 - The predictable media onslaughter begins with certain outlets actually accusing the Bush Administration of "outing an undercover agent," a minor infraction like "drinking in public."
 
2003/2005 - Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, whom many call "the Al Bundy of law" starts a solid investigation of the matter, even throwing a few members of the media behind bars for not cracking their lids.
 
(Note: This is where the tables turn.)
 
2005 - Imprisoned reporters set Fitzgerald's sights on the Bush Administration possibly tempting him with a future supreme court position.
 
2005 - Rove, Cheney, Gannon, Bush, Novak, Armitage, and Ari Fleischer are all pre-convicted in the media as having something to do with a "leak".
 
2005 - After several meetings with Fitzgerald all primary players are cleared of all wrong doing except Libby who had trouble articulating certain details of the tangled plot.
 
2005 - Rumors of Wilson's bias are confirmed as it is brought to light that he voted for none other than former swift boat veteran John Kerry.
 
2007 - After all is said and done the fall guy for the Wilsons turned out to be I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby who was 4/5 convicted of "not getting the facts straight".
 
Confused? So was the jury which is ground enough to declare that mistrial PLN predicted last week. The fate of I. Lewis Scooter Libby is now in the hands of the judge, a Regan appointee, unless of course Libby takes Fitzgerald's offer to co-operate and send the Wilson's to prison.

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March 6th, 2007

Liberal Media A Ship of Fags

Award-winning moderate social commentator Ann Coulter has become the latest outlet for the vile rage of the mainstream media. While speaking at a conservative gathering in Washington, Ms. Coulter made a hilarious joke in which she referred to John Edwards and later used the word "faggot" which is a common British slang for "cigarette" among other things. Coulter explains, "It was a schoolyard taunt meaning wuss." It turns out the liberal media are the true wusses, or should we say "faggots", for missing the obvious joke that was right there in front of them. Ms. Coulter was only referring to, out of control black Grey's Anatomy star, Isaiah Washington's homophobic outburst, which the liberal media sent him to rehab for.

"There was no indication that Ms. Coulter had any intention of calling John Edwards a "faggot" which also means, a bunch of sticks tied together and set ablaze in order to prolong a bonfire," explains media watch dog Gregory Burns. "Hey, we all think John Edwards is gay, but it would take a collective dunce like the mainstream media to misconstrue Coulter's words. She's the victim here. I feel very sorry for her. It's sad." PLN psychologist Robert "Bob" Jones Ralph was prompted to say that he thinks anyone who believes that Coulter's joke had anything to do with homosexuality may have some serious mental disorders. "It's a...possibility," said Dr. Ralph during a telephone interview.

Either way the mainstream media showed it's fangs and the reciprocating razor teeth behind them when they took to verbally raping Coulter. PLN's own Dale Facklery weighed in on the topic during his morning radio show, "The Dale Facklery Freedom Hour" stating, "I know Ann. She's a good girl. The liberals in the media need to be very apologetic right now...for them to bring homosexuality into this...I'm sorry, people it's a very dark day."

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March 5th, 2007

A Hot Slice of Literacy

A group of activist child development experts are calling Pizza Hut's "Book It" program, which urges children to read with delicious incentives, "wrong" and "dreadful." The experts contend that the programs like "Book It" which reaches 22 million children a year, promotes unhealthy eating habits and may be a part of some larger conspiracy to get kids hooked on pizza for life. Gus Harrison of the Global Food-Product Research Association (GFRA) believes that the conspiracy theorists or 'children's health experts' are over reacting. "Look," says Harrison "950,000 elementary schools can't be wrong. It's a great program. The amazing thing to me is that anyone would want to discourage children from reading. That's sick." Harrison points to the recent influx in technology which has made programs like "Book It" so essential. "Listen. Because of the video games, hip hop, and the internet, reading simply isn't as fun as it used to be. Science proves this."

Children's Nutritional Experts point to the case of Jimmy Deluth, a sixth grader as an example of "Book It" gone wrong. Jimmy is also the leading "Book It Pizza-Reader" in the history of the program. "Jimmy is brilliant," expounds physician Douglas Reynolds, "He's well on his way to potentially curing cancer, but if he keeps reading at this current rate he might not live past the age of 24." Advocacy groups have suggested putting a limit on the amount of pizzas children can earn with "Book It" but Harrison asks, "Why would you want to place limits on how much a child can experience through the magic and wonder of books?"

Harrison goes on to envision a future in which the children of America grow weary of politically correct liberal meddling. "They've already cut back on soda in schools, kids can't carry pocket knives anymore, and now this? If we're not careful, these kids will have had enough someday."
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March 2nd, 2007

 
It's Go Time!

Iranian Foriegn Minister Manouchehr Mottaki announced to the global community that Iran will "never" stop enriching massive amounts of uranium at it's current, and escalating, breakneck pace. Heroic idealists like Condoleeza Rice won't even talk to Iran unless they suspend uranium enrichment. "There's just no talking to these people. The time to take action was yesterday. Using nukes to stop the proliferation of nukes is why America nukes in the first place," quiped an unnamed defense department official. Even America's former ally Tony Blair can see the impending doom that is a nuclear Iran stating, "they are still supporting extremism...and they're not showing any signs they are prepared to stop." Weak willed liberals suggest peaceful sanctions on Iran in response to it's continued steps toward global annhialation. "Look, all sanctions are going to do is make the Iranians crazier. They're all ready off the charts over there. There's no telling how "ape" sanctions will make them," observes PLN Middle East analyst Rommney Davis. Everyone watching the world stage who knows anything about anything knows there are so many reasons to attack Iran. It's all a matter of when, and when is now.

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CHENEY DEFEATS ASSASSINS

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February 25th, 2007

.

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

A recent Associated Press analysis has shed light on the dark bottomless pit of burning cash that is the growing welfare state. The AP has discovered that nearly one in six people have their hands out, palm open for free drugs, food, and other luxury benefits the liberal Democrats trade in exchange for votes. Many top financial analysts on Wall Street credit the over taxed welfare system for the influx in unemployment, obesity, and single motherhood. "Women actually get MORE benefits for being SINGLE mothers than MARRIED mothers!" Sam Reynolds of the Project For Disassociated Access points out. "This welfare system doesn't just need an overhaul. We've got to haul the whole thing with an under-haul, overhaul, side-haul, whatever. Just, get rid of it!" Educated welfare critics now realize that the biggest perpetrators of welfare crime are "single mothers". They are lured away from the arms of caring men by the benefits offered by liberal Democrats and Clinton leftovers who refuse to cherish the sanctity of family values. Reynolds astutely observes, "The liberals use welfare like a dealer uses crack. They get the people hooked." Wade Horn, the Bush administration's point man on welfare reform realizes this and adds, "The true goal of welfare reform should be self-sufficiency." Research has shown that once a person is self sufficient, that person no longer needs welfare. Looks like welfare might as well not even exist.

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..

Mistrial!*

Vindication at last for former low-level White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, as a mistrial has been declared in his trial for perjury. Rush reports hailed the triumphant call, "Tainted juror!". Early speculation suggests that the juror may have been manipulated by the all-pervasive liberal media noise machine bent on taking patriots like I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby down. Media watchdog groups point to the fact that you can't go anywhere without being inundated with reports of the I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby trial. "It's all over the place!" moans Stanley Grub, an associate with the Fair Media Alliance(FMA). "I've heard so much about Joe Wilson's trip to Nigeria, I feel like I've been there myself." Because of the internet today's American has a hard time focusing on several things at once. This creates what the FMA calls a "one track media". Grub illustrates how the "one track media" changes the way people receive their information, "Imagine trying to find out the latest updates on the Anna Nicole saga, the Britney Spears debacle, or the deteriorating welfare state when every TV channel, radio station, and print media source continues to blare about the Libby trial 24-7." Many see statistics like that and ask themselves, "Should the media even have the right to cover highly publicized on-going investigations?" All experts say "No!". As for the I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby trial, it may be too late. Legal experts say that a courtroom this tainted is only going to get tainteder. If the far left propaganda machine continues to throw wrenches in the legal justice system, an innocent man may never receive the fair trial he's guaranteed under The Constitution. It's enough to make you wish that Joe Wilson had never written that article in the first place.

* An official mistrial has yet to be declared in the case against I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby.

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February 22, 2007

Scrappy Soldiers Create Make Shift Hotel!

February 21, 2007

Cheerio, Mates!

Britains' decision to withdraw 1,600 troops from Iraq has had the liberal media in an uproar with some calling this proof of a complete failure in the War on Terror. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow puts it more evenly: "What you had is PROGRESS first, and then REMOVAL." It turns out the British have had their own "Mission Accomplished" moment, and are ready to pack up and do the victory dance all the way back home. Dick Cheney illustrated the British success in Iraq during an interview with a popular mainstream media outlet stating, "I talked to a friend just the other day who...found the situation dramatically improved." Senior military analysts say it's time for the British troops to leave while the American troops will simply have to step it up a notch if they wish to do the same. Many speculate that the British troops get to go home because they don't have a democrat controlled congress trying to undercut their soldiers with non-binding resolutions. Many see this as the reason why Cheney is correct in suggesting that the liberals in Congress are "validating the Al Qaeda strategy", by not supporting our troops in harms way, during a time of war, and their war-time families.

TRIAL OF THE CENTURY II

Not since O.J. ran for his final touchdown has a trial so stunted the imaginations of the American people as this trial to end all trials: The Trial for Anna Nicole's Body. It couldn't have happened at a better time, when major news stories are scarce to come by. With a world on the verge of peace we at PLN feel it germaine to extend our round the clock coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith: death, life, body trial, on through to the inevitable: funeral, DNA test-off, baby trial, exhumation, and any other subsequent points of interest including (but not limited to) the upcoming VH1 reality TV show "Prince of Nookie" starring Prince Frederic Von Anhult of Germany.
Considering there are no other significant trials to cover, PLN's own Rita Von Streusel will go sleepless for three days of televised court commentary. Rita describes the importance of even and honest trial coverage, "This is the American legal justice system at it's best. You've got competent attorneys, a guilty Howard K. Stern, and a judge who cuts through the theatrics and gets right down to what's important: Anna Nicole's money."

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February 19th, 2007

Senate Republicans Remember 9-11

In a landslide 56-34 vote, the Senate struck down the House Democrat's "paltry" attempt to cut off the troops in a time of war. Presidential front runner John McCain calls the democrat's "symbolic measures...meaningless and insulting". Other Republican lawmakers described the non-binding resolution, consisting of no more than 100 words, with terms ranging from "pitiful" to "gay". Senator S. Durkin Republican from Oklahoma made note of the resolution's length stating, "100 words don't sound like no resolution to me!" During a briefing White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said the President was "entertained" by the congressional bickering and promises to "let it slide". Snow then went on to reassure the American people that, "the troops may as well already be there. There is nothing the democrats can do about it. The "mini-burst" has basically almost begun and it's actually probably half over by now." Such stunning Presidential resolve in a time of war has Beltway insiders asking, "What is the point of all these anti-troop resolutions?" Careful studies point out that they only send a bad message to the troops, our enemies, and the people of America who we need so desperately to enlist in the armed forces. Many believe it's time for Congress to step aside and let the war take it's natural course.

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February 16th, 2007

Terror On The Move!!

February 12, 2007

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February 9, 2007

February 8, 2007

MAINSTREAM MEDIA GONE TOO FAR?

The man who single handedly tried to bring down Al Capone has recently had to fight off packs of media wolves desperate for scraps of sleaze. Several unnamed mainstream media outlets have had their fun pointing out the physical similarities between Geraldo and Jamal Jafaar Mohammed the Iraqi Parliament member convicted of bombing U.S., French embassies in 1983. The mainstream media has made a real "no no" by insinuating that Geraldo has engaged in terrorist activity. Geraldo is an American icon who took a chair in the face for freedom of speech. He also supported our troops in Iraq by giving their families at home the comfort of knowing their exact secret locations at all times. The American patriot hero Geraldo deserves better from the mainstream media. Perhaps it is they who truly deserve a chair in the face.

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February 7, 2007

CURED!

Back in November, the mainstream media ran away with the tragic story of former pastor Ted Haggart's fall from grace, calling him among other things a hypocrite for bashing gays during his sermons. After three weeks of greased lightening paced work, Haggart has been swiftly and easily cured of all homosexual urges, desires, and longings. A group of high ranking mega-Christian leaders worked round the clock with Haggart in a unique un-gayification program designed to get maximum results in the minimum amount of time. Haggart was put through a bevy of exercises in order to awaken the dormant heterosexual inside. The former New Life Ministry head pastor was shown a bundle of images, videos, books, and CD-ROMs all glorifying the miracle of heterosexual sex in the name of Christ. "It worked like a charm," said one of the Pastors assigned to Haggart's case who requested anonymity. "This guy Haggart is so not gay it's…I can't even compare it to anything he's that straight." Another stated, "I feel sorry for his wife when he gets home. I'm afraid she's really in for it." Haggart himself seemed pleased with the results adding, "I'm so ready to go home and be steady with my wife." It's refreshing to see a man so obviously cured and ready to get back into the life of full-time religious service. The mainstream media has scoffed at Haggert's remarkable progress calling his rehabilitation "a scam". Pastor Henry Germond of Free Will Ministries retorts, "This is the liberal media and the gay agenda going hand in hand. They can't stand to see a gay go back. It's all part of their master plan." Whatever their plan, it looks like they'll have to find another poster boy for "Christian hypocrisy".

***

AIR PELOSI

House Majority leader Nancy Pelosi wants the people of America to take a slice out of their hard earned paychecks in order for her to have hyper-unlimited access to a pimped out personalized jet.  Insiders say, if this is any indication of things to come, we can expect to lose a large handful of our various freedoms to a ruling party that has no respect for the laws of the land, our tax dollars, and the constitution all rolled into one. Leading constitutional scholars point out that government isn't made for people who think they are above the constitution. A handful of left wing pundits took the energy to point out that former Majority leader Dennis Hastert used the same perks. What they leave out of their argument is the fact that Hastert was in power shortly after the world became a post 9-11 world. Hastert needed the jet for security reasons in case anything happened to Bush and Cheney. Legitimate studies show that our post-post 9-11 the world is 100% safer thanks to the "War on Terror" and other necessary "rendering" programs. With our newfound security and victory in Iraq, there is less need to protect our House Majority leader as much as there once was.

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February 6, 2007

McCain Stands Up For Troops

Republican presidential front runner John McCain criticized a resolution set fourth in Congress against President Bush's Iraq war policy calling the resolution "a vote of no confidence in the US military". Some analysts say that this is McCain in Presidential mode, grooming himself for a Presidential run in 2008. Some say, if elected President, McCain will throughly finish the job in Iraq started by former president Bush. McCain currently sponsors a bill which supports the President's "Quick-Burst" of troops in Iraq and gives them the tools to get the job done, and right. According to Beltway analysts McCain can't believe that the Democrats, and a few Republicans in Congress, would refuse to fund the "Quick-Burst", but not do anything about actually stopping it from happening. Many say it's this kind of "put up yer dukes" diplomacy that is sure to land McCain smack dab in the Oval office...that is unless the Democrats win with one of their counter culture "experimental" candidates.

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February 3, 2007

Big Business Gives Back!

In order to compensate the people of the Indian village of Platimada for having extracted one million liters of it's ground water to use in local bottling plants, the Coca-Cola Company plans on offering the villagers a free one-year supply of delicious Dasani, the twice filtered water with minerals added for taste. The deal will also include a free one month trial supply of the new Coca Cola Blak- an effervescent coffee infused cola beverage, which Coke officials say is, "to be sure to help the villagers keep their buzz on". In spite of the bountiful offering some villagers have expressed dismay calling the offering "insufficient" and criticizing Coke for "taking away our water forever". Such instances of ingratitude make a clear case for ending positive relations with all middle Eastern countries permanently. If the civil war happy Iraqis can't sustain a democracy, the poppy sloppy Afghans let the Taliban back in, and these Indians don't know when America is being nice, can there be any hope for the region? Coke gives the people of India jobs that were not available to them before and all they ask in return is for some land and the ground water underneath that land and surrounding areas. Just goes to show you that you can lead a horse to capitalism, but you can't make it drink.

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February 2, 2007

SHOULD GAYS GET PREGNANT?

Dick Cheney's gay and lesbian daughter Mary Cheney appears to be "pregnant". Her partner of 15 years, Heather Poe, are in quite the predicament, despite claiming to be "ecstatic" about the child. It appears that since the couple live in the state of Virginia, only one of them will be legally permitted to be guardian. In November Virginia voters passed a state constitutional amendment banning marriage and civil unions. The voters were heard to be saying that "God told them nothing of such an arrangement". It seems only natural then for state and federal government to step in and reinforce those widely accepted beliefs. A small few have argued that whether the parents are gay or straight, all that matters is how they love and treat the child. Questions though, about what homosexual "love" really does to the development of a child, still haven't been adequately answered.

This would be Dick's sixth grandchild, his first from a gay "lifestyle". The other five grandchildren are from his oldest daughter Elizabeth, who is deputy assistant secretary of state, and who also still claims to be "very straight". Some have suggested that Vice President Cheney should offer his resignation, though no word yet on his decision. During the last presidential election he deferred to the president's policy supporting a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages. He said that the president had spoken with God and that was "good enough for him". Mary Cheney called it "a gross affront to gays and lesbians everywhere". Some people say that the real gross offense, would be to damage the sanctity of marriage.

The child is due in late spring.

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February 1, 2007

Boston PD Shakes Down Cartoon Terror Network

Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens the two Cartoon Network marketers involved with the attempted terror plot that shut down Boston were arraigned today on charges of placing a "hoax device" and disorderly conduct. Some have mentioned that a swift iron fisted punch of justice should be administered in order to send an message to Al Qaeda, Bin Laden, and the late Saddam Hussein that America will not stand for terrorism in any of it's forms be they bombs or bomb like cartoons. No word yet on wether the two will be charged as enemy combatants and sent to Guantanamo to be interrogated, though the idea has been suggested by some. There are those who have said that this problem is generational, that we just don't "get it". We at PLN weep for a future dominated by people who think that terrorism in the name of some televised entertainment cartoon program is somehow fodder for laughs.

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JANUARY 31, 2007

IRAN ATTACKS U.S. TROOPS

U.S. military officials have released secret documents which reveal that Iranian agents were behind deadly attacks on American soldiers. The ambush took place late yesterday in Karbolla where 5 U.S. troops wound up dead. Officials stated that this was a total "Inside Job". Apparently Iranian agents were "let in" by security forces who were supposed to be guarding the compound and notified the agents as to the whereabouts of the Americans. More reports claim that Iran has been secretly working with the Shiite extremists, giving them extensive intelligence and plans on how to destroy the American's peace process.

This sequence of events has reminded us of just how prophetic President Bush's words were when he called Iran, part of the "Axis of EVIL." Lately, many people have been against Bush's rhetoric against the evil nation. These nay-sayers, apparently don't remember how Iraq, too, was a threat before we invaded. Now Iran is killing American troops and leaving us no choice but to spread more democracy to the helpless region. Looking at how much of a success the transition of government and democracy has been in Iraq, it only makes sense to share some of that success with the Iranians.

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Cat Scratch Fever

By now we've all seen the powerful video of a hand full of teenage girls beating the bee-jeepers out of each other at least ninety times on PLN, other news channels, and the internet. Such sapphicly disturbing images have had some asking the question: "Who's responsible?". A few people in the media and elsewhere have pointed fingers at the girl's parents, their peer group, and the girls themselves. It takes an even and honest viewpoint to be able to stand back from the situation and realize that the feral hair flinging and brutally passionate rage displayed by the young girls caught on tape was clearly the result of poor female role models. We're referring mainly to the over aggressive female senators that have recently wrestled so much power from the once Republican majority. Weather it's the kung fu diplomacy displayed by Rep. Cynthia McKinney, the stream of warm acrid bile that is a Hillary Clinton joke, or the strong arm bullying Nanci Pelosi brought with her from her house to the House of Representatives you can be sure these underage girls took note. To see such vile behavior in successful grown women makes it seem OK for developing young women to lash out at each other on camera.

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JANUARY 30, 2007

Cheney Defends Mini-Surge

Vice President Dick Cheney says sending a second air craft carrier to Iran sends a "strong signal" to the world that America will not stand for aggression. War-like maneuvers will not be tolerated, therefore the United States military will send a second air craft carrier task force with approx. 30 war planes and a huge payload of weapons and artillery to the Gulf in order to end steps toward conflict. The move also seeks to calm and assure the Iranian people that if their elected leadership continues to enrich uranium at a record pace then America will gut the region and install a peaceful Iraq-style democracy. Such strategic maneuvers are part of a much larger plan to fight the WAR ON TERROR and cement the image of America as a guardian of peace throughout the world.

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Obama Hussein Osama Barak?

In a stump speech today senator Barak Hussein Obama spoke about Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. Obama stated that Osama and Hussein were not Hussein Obama's "type of people". -Osama.

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JANUARY 29, 2007

Pulling our Chain

What do Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, and Michael Richards have in common? Their recent "ker-splunk" stand up performances go to show us that liberals and humor just don't mix. From John Kerry's tasteless jab at the intelligence level of our troops, to Michael Richard's racist tirade, to Hillary's perverted sex joke in which she called a former President of the United States "evil" there is just no low low enough for these left wing hate-comics. Some have called this issue "trivial". Some have even stated that we at PLN should focus more on topics like the "War on Terror", the "Economy", or "Some Genocide". If we were to only focus on those stories then we would continue to let the liberals and their ribald brand of sick chicanery sully not only the tone in Washington D.C., but the culture in which we are a nation.

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There were Options!

Ever since the Terri Schiavo debacle, in which a woman well on the road to recovery was senselessly yanked from life support by a shifty husband in league with a few liberal senators, there has been a disturbing trend of free for all euthenization in this country. Now, the mania has jumped species. Barbaro, the champion race horse with a heart that pumped pure liquid sunshine, was "put down" today igniting a flurry of intense controversy. People are saying that this was a matter of choice and that this horse didn't have to "hit the mat". Just like killing an unborn child is a choice. A number of medical procedures had all ready been performed on Barbaro and if you look at pictures of the animal, you can tell this is a horse on his way to a full recovery until his owners decided to play God. It didn't take long for the Democratic controlled Congress to show their distaste for the sanctity of life. File this one under "mysterious circumstances".

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JANUARY 28, 2007

State of The Union Viewer Polls

State of the Union Poll Data Exposes Propounderous Liberal Bias. President George W. Bush hit a home run out of the ball park in his State of The Union address, but not like you'd notice it from reports in the mainstream media. Take a look at our PLN viewer polls. Now take a look at the same poll taken by a rival network during the same speech.

How is it that viewers watching the same speech, at the same time, on a different network could have such radically extreme ideas about reality? As we all know polls are not scientific, they are subject to human error, and so are the people who take the polls.

The real question here is:

Can shoddy reporting turn people against their country and, in doing so, the troops? The main stream media is in such a sad state that all you need to do is know what channel a person watches and you can basically tell what he thinks about politics, and the true content  of his character...that is unless they get their news from an even and honest source.

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Christmas, 2006

War On Christmas

We here at Prime Legitimate News would like to contgratulate all of the Veterans of the War On Christmas for their well desrved VICTORY!

Thanks Guys.