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The Butcher, the Baker & What Happened After That...

Suzanne Portnoy

Suzanne Portnoy


Last Updated: 11/25/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Divorced
Age: 48
Sign: Pisces

City: London
Country: UK
Signup Date: 9/11/2006

Blog Archive
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Tuesday, March 24, 2009 

If you’ve ever wanted to get up close and personal with me, now is your chance. Fellow scribe and playwright/director Tim Fountain
(Sex Addict, Puppetry of the Penis)  and I are seeking a kindly
benefactor to fund our first theatre production about the highs and
lows of dating, sex and relationships in middle-age. It’s going to be
very funny. We need £15k to get it off the ground in time for a launch
at the Edinburgh Festival. We can’t promise that it will make a profit
immediately but we can offset your loss against future earnings and of
course you can boast to your friends that you’re a theatre producer and
not an IT geek. The idea is to take the show to the regions following
Edinburgh. Tim says that he’s happy to go down on anyone that gives us
the money and the same goes for me. Three folks coughing up £5k each is
better than nothing so if your City bonus is burning a hole in your
pocket, now’s the time to do something interesting with your money
besides buying a £10k bottle of champagne at Movida.
You can contact me at suzanneportnoy at hotmail dot co dot uk for further information, a treatment, budget, etc.



Tuesday, August 26, 2008 

Category: Travel and Places
t's amazing what a girl can find on craigslist. One minute I'm being sent pics of a guy with a 13″ cock (I kid you not) and the next I've got myself a little part-time gig writing about swinging and naturist holidays for www.ShoesOnlyTravel.com. Well, it seemed the least I could do knowing all that I know about the scene. The company have been set up by a husband and wife team and although run out of the States they promise to cater for Europeans who want to visit some of the classier swinging/naturist resorts, particularly in the Caribbean.

I'm their roving European expert and although I'll probably be websurfing more than relaxing naked on beaches surrounded by brown hotties, I promise to do the best I can at giving the lowdown on where couples and singles can go and have fun au naturel. Any information from readers who have firsthand experience would be much appreciated too. Like usual, please send to suzanneportnoy@hotmail.co.uk.

In the meantime, you can read my first post at www.suzanneportnoy.com.
Saturday, February 16, 2008 
My main blog and website can be found here for all you folks who want to get in touch, find out more about me, order my books or listen to my podcast.  I try to limit my virtual time, preferring to interact with people in the real world unlike my kids who think that facebook rocks.

This has felt like a momentous week.  I did my first reading at Waterstones on Thursday, mainly in front of friends but also a few fans too.  It was a good turn out considering that I was competing with Valentine's Day and everyone seemed to enjoy hearing my stories.  After the event, I met up with a guy I hadn't seen for a year for some very hot one-on-one time.  It was the perfect end to a perfect day. 

My new book, The Not So Invisible Woman is out in the shops now.  You may have seen the posters on the London Underground.  Last weekend I travelled around the tube (a rarity for me) to take pics of myself alongside my poster.  My kids thought it was a pathetic thing to do but I don't care.  I never expected at 46 to be in a position where I had a London Underground campaign.  And tomorrow I'm looking forward to finally seeing the sexy pics taken of me for an article in the Sunday Times magazine.  I'm feeling like the cat who got the cream.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 
I've said it before and I'll say it again.  If you want to track me down, you can find me at www.suzanneportnoy.com where you can read my blog, listen to my podcast, buy my books and generally find out all about me.  See you over there.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007 

Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships

My usual blog at www.suzanneportnoy.com is being repaired and so I'm back here for a day or two.

Today I'm thinking about vanilla and what it means to be vanilla and whether it's possible to mix vanilla and rocky road.  For those who aren't swingers or fetishists and might not understand the term, vanilla refers to people who have only had monogomous relationships.  Usually it's applied to straight people but I guess there are probably vanilla gay people too.  Sometimes you find a person who has sexually experimented and then come back to vanilla but generally, I think it's fair to say, it's more common to find vanilla people who either remain vanilla or decide to break out of the box and try something new.  I've been both vanilla and not and now I kind of like to mix it up a bit.  Sometimes I just want to have really loving, intimate sex with someone I like and sometimes I want to have a threesome or a gang bang or just go crazy in a grope room.  It's nice to be able to have the choice.

I've always thought the ideal relationship would be one where I had a primary partner who was the one I loved and then a group of other people who floated in and out of my life as friends and lovers.  That isn't to say that the friends and lovers weren't people I liked but they weren't the primary person in my life.  A primary partner is the man that has my heart and my pussy.  I realise this is a difficult concept for vanilla people to understand as I've recently found out.  I think that's because vanilla folk want to put sex up on a pedestal.  Whereas I feel it's about two adults having fun, vanilla folk like to elevate it up there with God and spirituality.  Now I'm not saying that great sex with a primary partner isn't wonderful but sometimes it's just as fantastic to have an anonymous quickie with a sexy stranger who really turns me on.  There are different degrees of wonderfulness.  Neither is better than the other.  They are just different.

The question is: Is it possible for a vanilla person and a non-vanilla person to make it together?  Can one every really understand the other's point of view?  In an ideal world we'd all be able to be honest and open with each other.  Can a relationship work based on one disclosing and the other not disclosing?  Answers on a postcard please.....

Wednesday, March 21, 2007 
Thanks for all the letters and friends requests.  My usual home is at Suzanne Portnoy where you can read my online diary, leave me comments and contact me.  I don't visit here much and generally have 2 rules for adding friends that are that I either know you in the real world or that you like or have some kind of professional interest in erotic writing or literature.  I look forward to seeing you at my blog and hope you enjoyed hearing me on Howard Stern today.  It certainly was fun.
Friday, March 16, 2007 

Category: Travel and Places

So, if you're around, be sure and check me out. Here's my schedule of events.

19th March
12.30pm: Frank DeCaro Show (Sirius)
8pm: Erotic Reading at SMUT, Galapagos Gallery, 70 N. 6th St, Williamsburg

21st March
7.30am: Howard Stern Show (Sirius)
8pm: Erotic Reading at In the Flesh, Happy Ending Lounge, 302 Broome Street, SoHo

22nd March
7pm: Candace Bushnell Show (Sirius)

Now, if you don't mind, I need to sort out my suitcase! So many shoes, so little space....
Wednesday, December 13, 2006 

Suzanne Portnoy is on vacation getting some winter sun.  You may catch up with her adventures at her usual home, www.suzanneportnoy.com.

Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year, lovely readers...

x

Sunday, December 10, 2006 

Unbuttoned my pale red sweater, starting at the neckline, one button at a time.   The buttons were small and it was a little difficult to push each one through its own button hole.  I had never unbuttoned the sweater myself.  He had the hands of an artist - long, slender fingers and a delicate touch.  'Here,' I said after he had reached the final button, 'I'll help you,' and removed my arms from the sweater, and flung it onto the floor next to his bed.  My moulded black lacy bra was next.  He moved his hands around to caress my back and then skilfully unclasped the 3 hooks in one quick gesture, letting the bra straps slide off my shoulders naturally.  I thought I heard him gasp as my bra hit the floor, revealing my breasts to him.  He cupped one in his hand and gently kissed the nipple, letting his tongue linger there for a while before moving onto the other one.

'You have lovely breasts, sweetheart' he said with a soft, low and faintly Scottish accent that I adored.  There was something about its pitch and tone I found a complete turn-on.  The sound just drew me in.  He used the word 'sweetheart' liberally and although I can imagine that a few other women might have cringed or even found it slightly patronising, I found it charming.  He made me feel girlish, like I still had lots of growing up to do.

He moved his hands down my waist and tried to unfasten a tacky gold belt I was wearing with a heart shaped buckle studded with red, white & blue crystals in the pattern of the American flag.  'I think you're going to have to help me here,' he said and so I did, unclasping the belt to leave him free to take off my jeans.  Very soon my jeans were on the floor along with the other clothes.  He paused to kiss me before sliding his hands down my red sparkly knickers, a bit of a silly Xmas treat to myself that I thought might amuse him.

'I'm wearing my Xmas pants,' I said.

'Very nice too,' he laughed before removing them for me.

Then I pulled his t-shirt above his head or tried to.  Being much taller than me, my arms weren't quite long enough to get the shirt all the way off and there was a slightly awkward moment when the neckline got stuck halfway up his head.  His very loose jeans quickly followed, needing no provocation whatsoever to fall off his body.  'I've lost tons of weight,' he said, apologising.  'I hope you like skinny men.'

'I love skinny men,' I replied.

I looked down at his briefs.  His hard-on was clearly visible and I went to stroke the outside of the fabric, desperate to touch him but he wouldn't let me.

'Wait,' he said.  'We have plenty of time.'  He looked seriously at me.  'I want to make love to you.'

'Make love,' I thought.  It must have been over five years since I had heard those two words used together.  Most men just wanted to f*** me. 

I climbed into bed.  'You're completely naked,' he said, sweetly stating what was blindingly obvious.

'Yes, I am,' I purred back at him.  I pulled the covers to one side and he quickly pulled off his pants before climbing in next to me. 

'And so are you,' I said.

Friday, December 08, 2006 

that has been the question I've been asking most of my colleagues and friends this week.  Should a woman expect her boyfriend or potential boyfriend or even a guy she just likes to ring her every day?  At what stage of a relationship should one expect a daily phone call.  From the brief amount of market research I've done, there seems to be no golden rule.

A guy I work with said that guys just don't think about calling their girl every day.  It just doesn't even register.  He says that when he wants to call a girl, he calls her.  Even if he's seeing someone seriously, a day or two might pass before he picks up the phone.  It's no big deal.  It doesn't mean he doesn't like her, it simply means he has nothing to say.

A couple of girls I know said that they speak to their boyfriend every day and expect to hear from them at least once during the day, even if it's just to say 'hello, what's up?'  They said that keeping in touch is part of relationship maintenance.

A boyfriend I had once who was a semi-professional therapist used to ring me at 12.30 every afternoon.  He would actually set his alarm to remind himself to call me.  When I asked him why he rang me at that exact time every day he would say that regular communication was the key to asuccessful relationship and that it took the anticipation and worry out of the equation.  I just knew he would ring me every day at 12.30 and he did.  I looked forward to his calls.

My best girlfriend said, 'Don't ring a guy…. ever.'  She said her mother told her that men like the chase and how can they chase you if you're chasing them?

There was a guy I briefly went out with who never rang me.  I never confronted it about it, I just took it as being the way he was.  Then I spoke to a girl he went out with before me and one he went out with after me and they said the same.  It took me six months to discover the reason he never rang any of us - he never had any credit on his phone.

My editor said that it makes no difference who is ringing who.  If you like someone and you know they like you, then either party can pick up the phone.  It's not a problem.  He said that he thinks people make far too much fuss about the whole 'who is ringing who' thing.

I'm undecided.  I don't like being the one who always rings but hate waiting for a phone call that inevitably comes a day later than I was expecting it to come, usually when I'm half asleep.  I usually give in, dial the number and then wonder if I'm appearing too eager.  I like hearing from someone every day when it's someone I like but hate hearing from someone every day when I'm feeling wishy-washy about them.  In the early stages of a relationship, when I'm feeling especially vulnerable, the daily phone is validation.  It says, 'Relax.  This is all going to be great.'  How does one know if their phone call is appreciated?

Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.  A guy asked me recently, when I stated that I didn't really see myself living with someone for a while, 'But what about a support network?'  'Oh,' he said,'I guess a woman like you (smart, funny, sexy, blah blah blah) doesn't really need a support network.'

'Of course I need a suppot network.  What person doesn't?  But I have great friends and family, lots of people I can talk to,' I said.  'I'm not some kind of Superwoman.  Just because I don't want to live with a guy doesn't mean I don't want to speak to him every day.'

I'm just not going to be the one to ring.