please read and give constructive critism
not now, not ever, no chance
The arena was packed, fans screaming for us just like they use to. Yet this time it was different. The screams of love and joy for me didn't make me feel warm and special like they use to. Now they make me feel cold, dark and empty. I walked up to the microphone holding my guitar and taking a breath waiting for the other guys to start playing. They did and the lights went up and the fans went nuts yet all I did was just stand there doing nothing as a solitary tear trickled down my face. I didn't play, I didn't sing. I didn't want to. It was too soon for me, I couldn't handle it. I ran from the stage whilst the other guys watched in disbelief as I bailed on them. I wasn't ready to come back to this hectic life. Not now, not ever, no chance. Not after this life took away the one most important and amazing thing I ever had. Love.
"Danny, wake up hun, Tom's on the phone." I opened my eyes wearily. I didn't want to wake up I wanted you to lie back in bed so I could continue dreaming with you in my arms. I didn't want to go to work. I just want to stay here with you. Grudgingly I peeled myself from the warm and cosy comfort of our bed and made my way into the hall where you stood smiling and joking to Tom. I raised my eyebrows and put my hand out for the phone, placing it in my hand softly you kissed me on the cheek and ran off to cook what I could only assume to be breakfast, well lunch. I placed the receiver to my ear and grunted.
"Ahh Stig of the Dump has made it out of bed. Now did you forget that we were suppose to be meeting at starbucks an hour ago."
"Ergghh…"
"Same to you to then, so did you forget?"
"Maybe I didn't forget, maybe I just couldn't be bothered to get up as its cold out and secondly I would like to spend sometime with my girlfriend who I haven't seen for five months."
"You're not the only one so stop moaning and get your butt over here this instance mister or I will send a hyperactive Doug round to jump on you repeatedly until you are all achy and have multiple broken bones."
"But I…"
"No buts, just get over here now."
The dialling tone rang in my ear telling me he had hung up. I cursed under my breath as I placed the phone back on the hook and trudged back to the bedroom to get dressed.
I didn't stop running until I reached the hotel I was staying in. I slammed the door behind me making sure to lock it. I could barely stand on my own two feet so slumping onto the bed I felt my eyes prickle as more tears burned at my eyes. 'I wasn't going to be weak, I'm not going to cry.' I told myself. Too late. I looked up into the mirror and cried. The tears streamed down my face as my heart felt as though it had been smashed into millions of pieces all over again. I ached all over as I began to remember that day again. I placed my head in my hand and howled with pain and sorrow.
"Ellie?" I called as I walked through to the kitchen to see you standing over the cooker cooking the eggs and sausages. Turning round I saw your face, you were no longer smiling with your brown locks bouncing on either side of your face. You were upset and your hair appeared stuck to the side of your face.
"El, what's wrong?" I asked walking round the kitchen table embracing you. You pulled away with tears forming in your eyes shaking your head.
"Dan, you said you were going to tell them you wanted time off so that we could be together. You promised me we could spend the whole day together."
"We can."
"No we can't I heard you, your going out with the guys. You don't care about me do you? All you care about is them; your band making all the money me being a waitress, some cheap girl you can have when you want. I'm just something you want but you don't really want me do you, you only want them Barbie like girls. All the times you said you loved me did you mean it. No. It was just to keep me sweet so that you could get your leg over regularly. And then as you went away on tour so you didn't get your leg over with me so you went off with all them girls. And then you get back expecting me to put up with everything and act as if nothings happened. I can't take it. I don't want to. Danny you have pushed me too far. I love you but you obviously don't respect me anymore." You sobbed and collapsed onto the floor not caring about the burning smell coming from the sausages. I turned the pan off and sat on the floor next to you.
"How did you know about the… the…"
"Girls? Dan I'm not stupid. I could have forgiven you for not respecting me or finding it hard but to sleep with them. I just can't it hurts me so much."
"I'm sorry." I replied placing my hand on to yours guilt swept over me consuming me as I felt myself falling into an imaginary black hole. You pulled your hand away. "No. Sorry isn't good enough. You should have thought about it before hand. You didn't expect to just turn up and continue like we did before. Did you?"
I nodded and looked away from you. I couldn't look at you not now I had done this too you.
"Your pathetic. I wish I had never agreed with Dougie to let him set up our blind date if I knew you would be like this, your an arrogant t0sser and always will be."
"No don't say that. That blind date was the best date I ever went on. The best date I ever had all because of you and no one else. The restaurant was rubbish, the meal tasted like cardboard but it was worth it because of you."
"Don't remind me." Standing up and shakily walking to the door before you turned round to face me. You stared straight into my eyes. Your sight burning into my own. You opened your mouth about to speak but nothing came out. You turned and then said the words I didn't want to hear. "I'll pack my stuff and go."
My heart felt as though someone had dropped it from the top of the empire state building and it hit the ground and smashed.
"I love you Ellie. Don't go."
"Dan, get it right. My names not Ellie, its Tina. I think that proves you don't love me." I just sat there cursing as I watched you walk out of my life forever. Damn this job. Damn this life. Damn me.
Looking up from where I laid on the bed the bathroom door was open. Something was shining as the light from the bedroom slipped through the darkness and landed on this particular object. I stood up walked to it slowly, enticed by it. It was calling me. It really was. I turned on the bathroom light and stared down at it. My razor. Picking it up in my hands I felt the blades fall in to my hands. Looking down at them everything made sense. I placed the blade to the skin on my wrist. Took in an intake of breath and pulled the blade across my skin.
Finito.