A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks…

"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

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George's Ten Commandments for "Working Hard"

1. Never walk without a document in your hands: People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy: Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you *will* get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk: Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail: Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing--they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed: One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late: Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect: Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy: It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary: Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. MOST IMPORTANT: DON'T email this to your boss by mistake!

"When women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do."

"For me to ask a woman out, I've got to get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks."

"Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do wash once a year."

"She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice. But women don't want nice. Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?"

"If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all."

"Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's often wrong."

"Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women."

"A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgement I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion, Elaine, Jerry. This is my religion."

"Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think's gonna be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?"

"Hey, it's George. I got nothing to say."

"I don't trust men in capes."

"I think she finds my stupidity charming."

"What's so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn't shop there."

"You're extremely attractive, you're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name."

"In the whole world right now there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think on this entire planet that you're one of those three?"

"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?"

"Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm askin'. This woman thinks I'm very funny and now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny."

"I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs."

"If I owned a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up the walls and in their home, like Lenin."

"Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up."

"Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her."

"Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship."

"This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her."

"Yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se. I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system."