What kind of Mother leaves her kids? Marie Claire magazine addressed
this provocative question in their August 2009 issue, in a piece
written by Lea Goldman, which featured
this version of my story.
I say 'this version', because every time I speak about my decision to
give primary custody of my children to their father after our divorce,
people seem to filter what I say through their own experience, seeing
it through their own lens. This is understandable as the factors that
contributed to the choices my ex-husband and I made are complex and
perhaps unique to our situation. Even UNRAVELED, the book I wrote about
the experience, couldn't explain everything.
The fact is, I didn't 'leave' my children. I simply chose to do what
divorcing fathers are expected to do every day in this country; I moved
out and became the every-other-weekend parent. I did it because I love
my children, because I know that their father loves them too, and
because we felt it was the best, right decision for our family. Why,
then, do some people bristle when they hear this?
Perhaps it's because women physically give birth to a child that we
assume mothers have a greater degree of responsibility to keep
them physically close. Or maybe it's because a father's role in a
child's life is still being defined and refined in our culture. The
number of stay-at-home dads and divorced fathers with primary physical
custody is growing, but it's not the norm.
When people condemn a woman's decision to relinquish primary physical
custody of her children to their father, they marginalize a father's
ability to lovingly and responsibly parent a child. The particulars of
my story or anyone else's may be interesting, but they distract us from
the real issue which is why the double standard? If both parents love a
child, why should a mother's love automatically take precedence over a
father's? And if this arrangement works for a family, why do others
feel a need to judge it so harshly?
In light of the sobering state of the economy, many people are being
forced to make decisions they may not have considered otherwise, and
this includes divorcing families. My hope is that our willingness to
share our stories will encourage other families to do what is best and
right for them and not worry about what others might think. ♥