There's a few people waiting for computers here, so I'll have to be brief.

Bottom line:  I'm deeply offended.  I demand an apology from Tiger Woods for wrecking a fire hydrant and for not immediately going public with all the personal details of his personal life!

I demand a public apology from the White House party crashers.  I'm offended that they would treat the White House as public property which they can enter any time they can weasel their way in and eat the food intended for important people!

I demand an apology from Republicans who are trying to keep everyone from getting all the free health care they want, including abortions!  I'm pretty sure the Constitution guarantees us all the right to free rhinoplasty somewhere in there, and I'm offended!

I demand an apology from people who display the American flag or crosses in plain view of the passing public.  I find that even more offensive than second-hand smoke!

I do NOT, however, demand an apology from the Taliban for throwing acid in the faces of little girls who try to go to school, or beating women with metal rods for allowing their ankles to show, or killing homosexuals for their deviant behavior.  After all, it's their business and we should respect their culture.  I do however demand an apology from those who advocate settling their differences with Al Quaeda by using violence!

But on a serious note, I truly am offended that Fox News pre-empts Red Eye every time the President hiccups.  I'd much rather watch Greg Gutfeld than a rerun of Greta Van Sistern.
Anyway, I signed my lease and got my key yesterday, and I'll start moving in some of my stuff today.  Soon I'll have real internet access and will be able to watch the videos that you guys post.  Also, this may interest the ladies out there, and possibly some of the guys - After a long illness in which Little Willy didn't work, he's now coming back to life and is able to function properly.  Hey, there are no secrets in MySpace!

Told you it'd be quick and painless.  Next time I'll write a long poem or something that'll finally win me that Pulitzer.  Have a nice day. 

First off, I want to tell you the good news.  I'm finally moving out of this hospital!  (yay)  I found a nice 2br house close to here, and I'll be moving next week.   I'm all happy and shit.  :)
One thing I'll have to do is get a new phone.  I've been seeing those Vonage ads on TV - You know the ones..."Call all of Brazil for one low price."  Well, at first that sounded like a great deal, but then I got to thinking - That's one FUCK of a lot of phone calls to make!  I mean sheesh.  I've got a lot of time on my hands, but ALL of Brazil?  Not to mention my Portugese is pretty rusty, and although I've been to Brazil I can't say as I really know anyone there. 
I do remember this one prostitute in Rio.  She was about 6 feet tall with a short skirt, high heels and a really big adams apple.  C'mon Brazil, at least try to maintain the illusion!  They'd better shape up their act before the Olympics is all I've got to say about that.

So, on a random note, I'll bet you all have THAT pillow.  You know, the one you never let anyone see without a pillowcase on it because it's just one giant slobber stain, but it just feels perfect to lay your head on after all those years.  Don't ever let the spouse try to throw it away or you'll hold it against her the rest of your life.

Ever seen the movie Hannibal where Gary Oldman plays the disfigured evil lunatic?  You have?  Now, do you remember his voice?  You do?  Okay, now, have you ever heard Arlen Specter speak???  Yeah?  Spooky, huh?  Same fuckin' voice!

Tornado chasers: what a bunch of moronic fucknozzles.  I mean really, how much do you have to learn about tornadoes?  I learned everything I needed to know about tornadoes from the Wizard of Oz - namely stay the fuck away from them.  Don't whine to me when one of those retards gets offed by a flying 2X4.  That's all I'm sayin'.

I hate culinary snobs.  You know which wine you're supposed to drink with shellfish?  Any fucking wine you want to drink, dammit!  If you want to drink white wine with a steak, then that's the right kind of wine.  If you want to drink beer with fois gras, then so be it.  I don't care how damn good the steak is supposed to be, if it's not seasoned enough, you have my permission to put steak sauce on it.  If anyone looks at you funny, hurl your steak knife at them.  You have my permission to do that too.  Gourmands be damned, I'll bet no chef out there can improve on your grandmother's green bean casserole.  Just because the recipe contains a can of cream of mushroom soup doesn't mean it ain't gooder'n hell!  Usually quite the opposite, in fact.

So Happy Thanksgiving to all you pond scum out there who actually read my weekly diatribes.  Seriously, you're my favorites!  I've lucked into having the best friends on the internet, and I love you all like my favorite stained pillow.

Hey Guys!  Just wanted to remind everybody that Monday is the 2nd Annual National Prosthetics Day!  Really!  You can't make this stuff up.

So anyway, I was just going through my notes for ideas to blog about and all I had was this:  Some people are like Slinkys...useless, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumbling down the stairs.
Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.

Let me tell you about excitement here.  This afternoon we're having an outing to Wal-Mart, and I'm actually going.  And I'm almost fired up about it!  I've gotta get the fuck out of this place.  Well, at least I should be getting my car brought up here this weekend.  I can use it to go looking for a place to live once I leave here.  I'd love to find a place with a workshop.  Hell, I'd even live in the shop as long as it has a shower and a place for a bed.  Which brings me to...

'71 Thunderbird!  My uncle has one he's had since it was new.  It hasn't been driven in years, so I called him up last week and asked him if I could have it and fix it up.  I don't think he was too excited about it at first, but then he got to thinking about seeing it back on the road again all freshly done up and I think he's pretty hip on the idea now.  There's some history with that car; when I was a kid I bugged him enough that he finally floored it for me to show me what it would do.  Tossed me back in the seat is what it did, with that 429 4 barrel just howlin' all the way.  Gave me a pre-pubescent boner it did!  I was hooked, so now I have a chance to re-live my misspent youth.

Sorry I've got nothing exciting to blog about, but I'm just not the blogger I used to be, just a shell of my formal self.  Now even Lou Dobbs won't answer my e-mails any more - I hope he's alright.  Hell, I'm bored.  At least when I was in the Navy I got to go to war every now and then.  Now the closest thing I see to a good war is soccer hooligan, Elizabeth Lambert from Univ of New Mexico.  Damn, that chick has issues!

I wanted to blog about the Berlin Wall, but if you need to see the history, check out the History Channel.  I think a lot of people need to truly understand what it's like to live in a country where you can be shot for trying to leave, then they can try to tell me about the virtues of socialism.  I actually cried when the Wall came down.  You see, it was there like a shadow over my whole life.  The iron curtain was part of my existence just as if I had been living in Europe, so when that most visible of symbols was torn apart piece by piece by ecstatic crowds, I felt I was right there with them.

I'm sorry, I was distracted for a moment...please continue.  I believe you were waxing eloquent about the glorious revolution of Hugo Chavez, and the socialist paradise he's creating.  Really Mr. Glover, I'm all ears.

We had some really nice people show up here on Veterans Day to thank us for our service.  If that sounded like I changed subjects there, I really didn't, did I?

Have a great weekend guys!  As usual, I'll try to get back before they lock this place up, but otherwise I'll talk to you Monday.

I was going to post on social ills and racial divides and such.  It's something that's been kicking around in my head for some time.  Perhaps my piece wouldn't have solved all the world's problems, but it would have added my insightful viewpoints to the chatter and may have in my own little way made the world a better place.

Then a few days ago down the road at Ft Hood, some asshole decided to shoot the place up.  That sort of changed my train of thought.  What a fucking loser this guy is, huh?  Some soldier on Ft Hood said he's glad the dude lived...I am too.  I hope those gunshot wounds hurt like hell.  I also want him to be sure and know that at least a couple of those were infllicted by a very brave woman.  If she'd only dipped her bullets in bacon fat, that would just fill the bill.

Anyway, Bob died last night...he's my friend who lives (lived) two doors down.  I'm so sick of this shit!  Sick and fucking tired.  Time for me to move on and move out.  No more hospitals.  Don't worry, though.  This post gets happier.

So I'm flipping the channels the other night and came across a Taylor Swift special where they follow her around getting ready for her new tour.  It's a re-run, so I'm not sure when this was.  Anyway, can she really be that nice???  She's just as sweet and normal a teen ager as you could imagine, except that she's totally awesome!  I think, and I mean this in the best way, that she simply likes the attention.  She's totally unperturbed by cameras being around; totally unflappable.  She seems to genuinely appreciate her fans, which I find very appealing, especially after seeing some of the petulant spoiled brats that emanate from Hollywood.  (Can anybody say, "Sean Penn?")  Realizing how innocent and sweet she is just makes me despise Kanye West that much more.

Damn, I'm being negative again.  I'll try to think of something interesting and post it later this week, just ignore this one.  Now everybody will hate me.  Fine, I'll just sit here and eat worms.

Sorry to tease you with that title, but I'm not the sort to kiss & tell.  Also I'm trying to attract the National Enquirer crowd.  Perhaps someday I'll release my memoirs where I relate my encounter with Anna Nicole Smith.  Suffice it to say I seduced her during her vulnerable stage when she was fat and stoned.  I should be ashamed!

When did the History Channel become the Dale Gribble channel?  I liked it better when they were the Hitler Channel.  Now you've got all this paranormal crap, haunted houses, flying saucers doing anal probes and such.  Seems like most of my favorite channels have devolved into ghost chasers, storm chasers and people who talk to your dead Grandma (spoiler alert: She never really liked you). 
Also, we're inundated with these commercials where Sarah McLachlan sings over pathetic pictures of abused and neglected animals...And it's YOUR FAULT!  Especially if you don't send them money RIGHT NOW!  Then they tell us that thousands of horses are slaughtered each year - for FOOD.  Like that's some sort of bad thing.  I've never tried it that I know of, but I hear horse meat isn't too bad.  In South America thousands of cute guinea pigs are slaughtered each year for food.  Sorry folks, that's the circle of life.  If I'm starving and there's a guinea pig, well, too bad for him.
Now, you people who know me know that I don't get my jollies out of slaughtering God's creatures, but most of us (myself included) have been conditioned to think that meat just appears on styrofoam trays covered with cellophane.

And another thing that sticks in my craw.  (q: where is your craw and do things get stuck in it?)  I've blogged about this before, but in this day and age there's still a white-only club out there, no minorities need apply.  I'm speaking of course of the scary white guys who smash their way into houses of unsuspecting white women in the suburbs.  You know, the evil white men in the Broadview Security (formerly Brinks) commercials.  My favorite is the guy who watches the young mother and her small child playing in the back yard.  Does he wait for them to leave the house then break in?  Hell no!  That's not the way scary white guys do it.  He waits for them to go inside, then he kicks in the door.  He's scared off by the loud alarm, and Broadview has once again saved the day!  So you should get on your phone and give them a few, or several thousand dollars to protect yourself from this virtually non-existent threat.  They've hired more actors to portray these stupid, evil ne'er-do-wells than actually exist in real life.  Can you imagine the outrage if all the home-invaders were black?

Well, the Doctor tells me I'm too healthy to be in the hospice, so I guess I'll be moving out of here soon.  This is preferable to the way everyone else leaves my ward; in a flag-draped gurney.  No one on the staff can believe how well I've recovered.  They gave me six months to live...I had my 6 month anniversary here on Tuesday and I celebrated by riding a wild bull in the hallway.  Or not.

So, what else is going on here?  Nothing I can think of.  Watch Glenn Beck guys.  You could accuse him of being alarmist, but people need to know what's going on.  Some pretty scary people have the ear of the President.  I'm old enough and educated enough to know that Marxism is an evil, dangerous road to travel.  I'll trust George Washington over Noam Chomsky (spit) any day.

One parting thought:  On Red Eye the other night their guest was a young lady named Diana Falzone.  Let me tell you, she ain't nothin' but HOT!  And witty, too.  I'd love to shake her hand and buy her a glass of fine California Cabernet.

Sorry to blog on Friday.  I'll try to get back on the computer again this afternoon, otherwise I'll see you next week.

So long and thanks for all the fish.

I recently saw a copy of Time magazine in the lobby and the cover story was Inside the Mind of the Taliban.  On the cover was a picture of your typical young bearded Arab with a very angry look on his face.  Note to all of you:  If you ever see a bearded, angry, Arab-looking guy, immediately arm yourself and monitor him.  If he's still angry 4 hours later, shoot him.  This is what's recommended somewhere in the Homeland Security Act, so you should be okay with law enforcement.  Just in case, I'd beat feet if I were you.

You may ask yourself, "Why the four hour grace period?"  Well, I'll tell you since I'm a renowned expert on this and all other subjects - Anger is like an erection; it can be useful for a while, but if it lasts longer than 4 hours you should seek help immediately.  In the case of Arabs and Guatemalans, the best treatment is a hollow point at close range.  Allow me to elaborate:  Hamas recently called for a Day of Rage.  I guess that means all the Paleosimians in the Gaza Strip are supposed to take to the streets and express their rage for an entire day.  I find this a sign of mental instability.  The typical American male stays angry usually no longer than it takes to listen to the live version of Free Bird.  These people can hold a grudge for centuries.  If you meet an American male who stays angry for long periods of time, talk to him and listen to his responses.  You'll usually find out that he is a woman or possibly Italian.

Now here's where I have a bit of a problem, and have to step out of character for a moment.  A lot of people see that cover of Time when they're in the checkout line at Piggly Wiggly but have never seen or met an Arab.  After seeing the news and images of angry, scruffy looking people burning American and Israeli flags, they probably think that all Arabs & Muslims are that way.  Having spent quite a bit of time in the Middle East and Turkey, I can tell you that the overwhelming majority of them have never blown up anything more dangerous than an inflatable sheep doll.  They're by all means not all religious zealots, either.  Sarah Brightman had the #1 selling album in the Middle East for weeks, and she's known for very skimpy, sexy outfits.  They're generally nice, very hospitable folks, thus causing me to be very conflicted about dropping neutron bombs over the entire area.  I should probably seek help in the form of hug therapy from one of these pretty nurses here.

Now on to something that actually scares me a little (and trust me, there's not a hell of a lot that does!)  It seems the current administration from the President on down has geared up in their war against Fox News.  To their credit, even NBC and ABC have said this is a bad idea for so many reasons.  Not sure about CBS, but far as I know, they're against it as well.  The far left seem to adore Hugo Chavez, and say what you want about him, he knows how to handle press outlets who disagree with his policies.  In fact, Socialist countries tend to treat dissenters very harshly.

Now I know what you're thinking;  But Obama is such a nice guy!  He'd never crack down on a news network the way they do in Cuba or Venezuela.  Well folks, I've learned this much:  Barack Obama does not like to be disagreed with.  You don't run into much dissent when you're a community organizer in Chicago telling people you're going to provide "Social Justice™ for them and share the wealth.  He's playing in the big leagues and he thinks he's still in a campaign with nothing but cheering, adoring crowds.  Anyone who disagrees with his policies must be a pawn of the RNC, insurance companies, or an outright racist.  Therefore, it would be in the best interest of the country to silence us, don'cha think?

Yes, folks, it could happen and our Founding Fathers were wise enough to know it!

Wellll, I'm out of time, so on that cheery note I'll sign off until something else either tickles me or gets on my nerves.  BTW, what do Rachael Ray and Kelly Clarkson have in common?  They're both criticized for being too chunky, and they both look just fine to me.  Who wants to take an anorexic woman out to dinner anyway?

Later  :)

my super awesome amazing nice funny great niece posted my pictures for me. :)

So what's the big deal with Democrat Alan Grayson making a few humorous comments about Republicans.  Hell, you've already got crybabies out there calling for him to be censured.  C'mon, pussies, this stuff is pure comedy gold.  He said Republicans want people to "die quickly."  This is not entirely accurate; we only want people who are poor and unproductive to die quickly.  And apparently we're getting our way.  I remember the last time I went out for dinner with my family, we could barely get into the steak house for having to walk over and around all the dead people.

Now I'll admit Grayson uses so much invective he makes Keith Olbermann look like Mr. Rogers, but the man does make some interesting, if admittedly controversial points.  Calling Republicans "knuckle dragging Neanderthals" although I'm sure it was meant as a compliment, does rankle some thin-skinned pussies.  I thought it was PRICELESS myself.  And accusing Republicans of perpetrating a holocaust on sick Americans, now that was pure genius.  Got the swine flu?  BLAME THE REPUBLICANS!  This is the most ingenious comparison I've ever heard linking Republicans to Nazi's without actually saying the N-word.

Don't get me wrong here, I do think he went overboard when he said the GOP wanted to turn illegal aliens and old people into Soylent Green to feed our servants.  I Googled that and found no evidence of it being true.  Also, when he said Republicans support tax breaks for the Ku Klux Klan, I'm pretty sure he was making that up as well.

But, despite all this contentiousness amongst our esteemed Congress, there is still proof that America is the greatest country in the world.  I'm referring of course to the new Cadillac CTS-V.  I think the "V" stands for "vicious."  This is now the fastest production sedan in the world!  Four door luxury car that will make Democrats cry at the mere sight of it!!!  This fucker will do 0 - 100 in less than 9 seconds and top out at 190!  556 screaming horsepower in this fucker make this thing like Kryptonite to Al Gore.  It set a new record for production sedans at the notoriously brutal Nurburgring raceway in Germany.  It'll corner so hard it can cause your eyes to deploy from your skull, and brake so hard your face will stretch to the windshield!  American made Republican steel!!!  And all this for tens of thousands less than any European car that can even come close.  This is the perfect car for driving at triple-digit speeds through a school zone while mowing down poor children!  Hell, I'm getting a stiffy just thinking about it!  I wonder how long it'll be before some buzz-killing Dem will say that this car is excessive and should be outlawed.  Never mind the $1300.00 they're already collecting per car in gas-guzzler tax, they can't stand the idea of someone else having fun while driving an Earth killing street-shuttle.

I was going to blog about parasites like the Penis Invader that you get in the Amazon, but you know how I hate blogs that ramble on, so I'll just leave it at this and catch up on blood-sucking bugs next time.  Actually, I pretty much hit on the blood-suckers when I talked about Democrats.  Two birds with one stone!

Later 

Update:  I just realized that Blood-Sucking Penis Invaders would be a great name for a rock band.  Thanks to Dave Barry for that one.

Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln

He studied hard just like he should
Readin' all the books he could

Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln.

So why am I singing to you this early in the morning?  I was just remembering a song we sang in school way back when I was a kid.  Now I may be getting old, but I'm pretty darn sure Lincoln was already dead for many years then.  In fact, I've never heard of school kids singing a devotional song about a sitting President, especially one who hasn't done anything of note, except maybe damaging our economy for years to come.  The whole thing seems creepy to me.

Reminds me of when our oldest girlie came home from school with a new version of This Land is Our Land she was supposed to learn, only with modified lyrics.  I wish I'd kept a copy of that, but the jist was "This Land was Fouled by You and Me."  The wife and I went to the school to complain to the teacher, who was flummoxed by the fact that so many parents were complaining.  Disgusting.  You can always tell when a teacher is a Democrat by the confustion in their eyes.

Interesting fact:  The guy who designed the Lamborghini Murcielago is named Luc Donckerwolcke.  Is that cool or what!?!?!?  I wish I were named Luc Donckerwolcke...or Stone Phillips.

Anyway, when Obama comes out with something as profound (and brief) as the Gettysburg Address, I'll eat my sailor hat.

Sorry about the confusing title to this blog - I just wanted to clear up some common misconceptions about the food we eat.  For instance, did you know that the avocado is not a fish at all, it is a crustacean.

That's all for now.  Back to you, ThomCat.