so time has past and memories slowly lip into subconcious nonexistence and here we are still going through the motions. maybe we can go on to better things...maybe things can finally be normal again.maybe,

but you know. maybe isnt a sure bet. and ive spent alot of my time in life gambling things. should i go 75 down the road and risk getting in an accident or just obey the speed limit for my own health. a prime example of the gambling i do. i guess life is truely a gift  since we look around and kids are dying from gang wars that there too  young to understand, or loved ones growing sicker from cancer.

but thats not the only disease that eats us inside. ther are thing we hide behind our smiles and laughter that are slwoly tearing us apart. we sit up at night and slowly slip into yet again another breakdown and fall asleep from mental exhaustion. do we really need that to make us sleep? why is it so hard for us as people to admit we need help? maybe we all truely are selfish jerks for thinking we shouldnt bother others with our internal affairs.

there is so much left unsaid between people...and it leaves such a tension between them that the real connection and admiration for eachother is lost into a sea of anger,sadness and ignorance.

maybe im just thinking out loud again. tell me if its not just me .

i seriously love how people sit there and say there going to hurt you if you hurt there friends . but then they sit there and hurt you and then when everyone thinks your stupid and you didnt deserve that person in the begining your like "what did i do?" why do you sit and let the situation sink in and realize that you fucked up and threw something that had the potential of greatness.

but you think you dodge an emotional bullet and in actuality you just took the easy way out of things becuase its been what you do alot according to some of your friends. when i told you in the begining that things were going to be hard and that if you were just going to break my heart a few weeks down the road then to not do it. you were a priorty ,was i just an option. see if i just wanted some girl who i could go off and have sex with i wouldnt've gotten together with you. because thats not what i want nor what i wanted. things were great before we dated when we were friends . they were even better when i could call you my own. you were the only girl who has ever had me up at night thinking about you, the first girl who literatly made my heart skip a beat. call me young and foolish but i was in love and losing that love hurts more then anything ive ever had to go through in my entire life. all i wanted was the oppurtunity to make you happy, and you said you wanted to see me happy. but how do you go from wanting to make me happy to basically treating me like crap whenever i have the guts to come around? i dont need to put myself through this but for some reason theres this voice thats getting quieter everyday saying that your not just another girl. hopefully things change between us and ill have my baby girl back in my arms.

but for now all i can do is push forward in this uphill battle i call life.

so i basically feel tired.

not like a oh i can go to sleep and feel better  tired. this goes deeper. it gets into my bones.

im stressed out all the time, i cant relax. is that normal?to be 17 and you cant just fuckin chill becasue you feel like there is something you need to be doing.

i'm watching my little brother and sister 5 days a week .from around 3 to 8. i dont get paid for it since its part of being a "team" . but should every player in the "team" get some sort of reward when they do there job? im always broke because i cant go get a job since im babysitting the little ones.

i go out sometimes yeah,but you know what one or two days a week doesnt cut it. espically when your town sucks ass and everyones got this ego the size of the fucking world. and there all so H-FUCKIN-X. fuck that.

i need a change....................

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:

» I committed suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:

» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:

WHAT ABOUT US:
» Who are you?
» Are we friends?
» When and how did we meet?
» How have I affected you?
» What do you think of me?
» What's the fondest memory you have of me?
» How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
» Do you love me?
» Have I ever hurt you?
» Would you hug me?
» Would you kiss me?
» Are we close?
» Emotionally, what stands out?
» Do you wish I was cooler?
» On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
» Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
» Am I loveable?
» How long have you known me?
» Describe me in one word.
» What was your first impression?
» Do you still think that way about me now?
» What do you think my weakness is?
» Do you think I'll get married?
» What about me makes you happy?
» What about me makes you sad?
» What reminds you of me?
» What's something you would change about me?
» How well do you know me?
» Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
» Do you think I would kill someone?
» Are you going to put this on your myspace and see what I say about you?

ok due to the recent events of two people telling me to post these i have . this is words i jotted down when i was going through a series of depression 2 years ago. i guess there poems.

"i've helped so many out ,when all i needed was help myself. i've never loved yet always lost, i may never love before i leave."

"there was this girl i knew,full of love and compassion but i never knew it until she was gone. her name holds nothing now, yet a luagh.....i'll always remember."

"i've been down this road a thousand times. still finding the same old lies,just trying to clear my mnid ,yet still i get by."

that was it. hope you liked it.

do it.
Current mood: cold

1. Your Name:

2. Age:

3. Favorite Color:

4. Are you a virgin?

5. Are we friends?

6. Do you have a crush on me?

7. Would you kiss me?

8. ...with tongue?

9. Would you enjoy it?

10. Would you ever ask me out?

11.Would you make a move on me in a movie theater?

12. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

13. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before?

14.Would you walk on the beach with me?

15. If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend me?

16. Do you/have you talk shit about me?

17. Do you think I'm a good person?

18. Would you let me sleep with you (in the same bed)?

19.Do you think I'm hot?

20. Would you change anything about me?

21.If so what?

22.Would u pleasure me?

23.Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

24. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

25. What do you rate me out of 1-10??

26. Your phone number(optional):

its times like this that really press me .

when i think im doing ok, and i think things are going good, some aspect of my life fails. when familys doing good. friends seem to turn on you. when you think you gotta girl whose interested, im failing school. i really need a break alot of times. you know things are way to stressfull when you start having emotional breakdowns when your 17. you know people look at me and immeditly judge me . im not a bad person. im a good friend, and an great boyfriend. it seems like nowadays you gotta have that perfect smile, that shiny car, a great job and a stable education to get what you want. why is it when you shoot for over the average you get stuck with the bar minimum.

ok so basically this is it for you kiddies:

1)njrotc

2)foods and nutrition

3)study hall

4a)advisory

4b)lunch

5)algebra

6)gov't

7)world literature

8)study hall

2. how old are you?

3. would you ever ask me out?

4. on a scale of 1-10. . . how cute am i?

5. if you could change 1 thing about me. . . what would it be?

6. have you ever wanted to tell me something?

7. would you tell me now?

8. would you date me?

9. kiss me?

10. hug me?

11. have we ever done anything romantic?

12. would you ever buy me dinner?

13. if you took me on a date. . . where would you take me?

14. if i decided to dye my hair. . . what color would you want me do dye it?

15. if you could change one thing about me. . . what would it be?

16. would you ever wanna date me?

17. if we went out. . . would you love me or like me?

18. are you gonna put this on yer myspace??