1.)  George Steinbrenner owns the team. This is a man with the warmth of Pat Buchanan, the patience of Ross Perot, and the credibility of O.J. Simpson.

2.)  The Yankees spent $92 Million (12 million more than anyone else!) to buy the World Series in '99.

3.)  After they lost the '76 World Series , the Yankees voted their batboys $100 shares. Their opponents, the Reds, gave theirs $6591 each.

4.)  In the spring after their '96 championship, the Yankees charged fans to have their pictures taken with the World Series trophy.

5.)  According to the Barnhardt Dictionary of Etymology the word "Yankee" was a term of contempt. Isn't that great? The Yankees named themselves after an insult! It's like calling a team the Atlanta Rednecks or the L.A. Cokeheads! Iron that on you wife-beater.

6.)  After Yankee home games, fans hang around and sing to the Sinatra song, "New York, New York" over and over until you pray the ghost of Sinatra himself will appear on DiamondVision screaming, "STOP!"

7.)   After every nauseating, soul-sucking Yankees victory, radio guy John Sterling bellows, "Yankees Win! Tha-a-a-a Yankees Win!" like a goat stuck on an electric fence. Hey John, Give it a-a-a-a rest!

8.)   Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for Brad Pitt to get the girl or for Bill Gates to win the lotto. That's why I propose that those not born in 1 of the 5 New York boroughs must lose their pinstripes or be tossed into the East River with only Chuck Knoblauch to throw them a life preserver.

9.)  The Yankees honored a truant, Jeffrey Maier, whose interference transformed an out into a series-turning Yankee home run in the 1996 playoffs.

10.)  Yankee hype resulted in Joe Gordon winning the 1942 MVP award over Triple Crown winner Ted Williams. The "Splendid Splinter" led the American League in six offensive categories; Gordon led in one, most strikeouts. Look it up, its true!
 

11.)  Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak in 1941 is considered the record in baseball. Why is excellence over two months better than excellence over a season? (DiMaggio had 193 hits that season, sixty-four short of George Sisler's major league record.)

12.)  They make you envious. Their General Manager is thirty-three years old. Derek Jeter dated Mariah Carey (Yes, shes annoying, but hot even still). Joe Torre has spent forty years in baseball. Steinbrenner did not have to go to jail following his felony conviction.

13.)  The Yankees retired Reggie Jackson's and Billy Martin's numbers. These two played a combined twelve seasons for the Yankees and hit .261.

14.)  Yankee fans are impossible to like. More than three decades ago, Roger Angell described them as "overdressed, uncomprehending autumn arrivistes." Today we would describe them as front-running boors and bandwagon-hopping idiots -- "assholes" also seems to work well if you're into the whole brevity thing.

15.)  Bucky Bleeping Dent, Red Sox killer and ersatz Yankee manager. In the worst-ever made-for-television movie, Dent played a football player who fell in love with a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

16.)  Their dynasty began because the Red Sox owner, Harry Bleeping Frazee, needed money to finance his theatrical ventures. We are not talking about hard work by the Yankees; this was Dumb Luck Part I.

17.)  Just before the end of the 1920 season, the Chicago White Sox were a better team with a brighter future than the Yankees. By the end of that season, the Sox were a shell of a great team. Eight of their stars were on their way to lifetime bans as a result of throwing the 1919 World Series. This was Dumb Luck Part II in establishing the Yankee dynasty.

18.)  After Mel Allen (whom the Yankees fired), their best known broadcaster is Phil "Holy Cow" Rizzuto. His biases would have earned him the nickname "Homer" but for the fact he hit only thirty-eight four-baggers during his thirteen-year major league career.

19.)  Role models like convicted felons and drug addicts Darryl Strawberry, Pascuel Perez and Steve Howe have played for the Yankees.

20.)  As a Yankee, Don Zimmer has evolved from "the Gerbil" to a Grand Old Man.

21.)  The Yankees are living in the past. They have won five World Series since 1962. Over the same period, the Montreal Canadiens have won twelve titles, and the Boston Celtics have won eleven.

22.)  "The Reggie Bar" was as hard to stomach as its namesake. Trust me, Ive been by, and the Cask and Flagon in Kenmore Square in Boston (around the corner from ol Fenway) is easily four times the bar at a quarter of the price!

23.)  Steinbrenner, who was banned from baseball for life, got reinstated after three years. We hope whoever made this decision never gets on the Unabomber's parole board. Or perhaps we could get them to look favorably upon our boy Pete Rose, eh?

24.)  Yankee hype resulted in Joe DiMaggio winning the 1947 MVP award over Triple Crown winner Ted Williams.

25.)  Roger Maris, who had three great seasons, had his number retired. Are the Reds going to retire George Foster's number?

26.) Yankee reliever Sparky Lyle wrote The Bronx Zoo, a 300-page whine about how tough life is when you're earning a large salary for pitching for a World Series winner.

27.)  Yankee tragedies are supposed to consume the nation. After Thurman "I won seven fewer Gold Gloves than Johnny Bench" Munson's plane went down, the Yankee faithful wanted the waiting period for Munson's Hall of Fame election waived. Tony Conigliaro, whose life was more tragic than Munson's, and who hit more home runs in far fewer at bats than Munson did, is forgotten outside of Boston. The only one that holds any water in my book is everything that occurred around 9/11. Beyond that, shut up you over-paid, over-rated polesmokers! Suck it up and pretend youre men enough to play for the Red Sox for cryin out loud!

28.)  Two words: Jim Leyritz

29.)  After the 1976 Yankees won the franchise's first pennant in twelve years, they were swept by the Reds in the World Series. Steinbrenner complained of how this loss to the greatest team since the end of World War II was a "personal humiliation."

30.)  The Kansas City A's were effectively a Yankee farm club. (Would you believe they sent Roger Maris to the Yankees for four spare parts?)

31.)  The Babe Ruth Story might be the worst sports movie ever made (Yep, even Air Bud: Part 3 wins out over this monstrosity!).

32.)  Howard Cosell rhapsodized about Mickey "the CAT-a-lyst" Rivers, Reg-GER-oo, and Chris "the Silent One" Chambliss when the Yankees were on Monday Night Baseball in the 1970's.

33.)  ABC called it Monday Night Baseball, but in practice it was The Yankee Game of the Week.

34.) Average feats by ordinary Yankees make magazine covers while Nomar regularly nails players at every bag with pinpoint accurate rockets and makes plays only thought possible on PS2 and gets one Sports Illustrated and one Beckett Baseball cover all season!

35.)   Thanks to Yankee fans, Chris Chambliss's trip around the bases after his 1976 pennant-winning home run was more of an adventure than getting out of Saigon.

36.)  Steinbrenner, who has the Mona Lisa of ballparks, has demanded that New York City build him a paint-by-the-numbers stadium with luxury boxes.

37.)  Larry McPhail, the Steinbrenner of his time, made it impossible for Hall of Famers Joe McCarthy and Bill Dickey to manage the Yankees.

38.)  Steinbrenner and five-time Yankee manager Billy Martin made up and broke up more frequently than temperamental high school sweethearts.

39.)  A Yankee fan's contribution to baseball chat rooms is limited to "Red Sox suck" and "1918." Boy, now thats original. Especially hilarious now that we won the World Series in '04 -- whad'dya gonna chant now cockgobblers?!

40.)  The Yankees exiled their greatest legend, Babe Ruth, to the 38-115 Boston Braves. They let stars like Frank Colman and Roy Weatherly wear Ruth's #3 before retiring it. Then, their ignorant fans still have the stupidity to refer to some "Curse of the Bambino"? Are you Serious?! Or do you really just enjoy looking like such assholes?

41.)  Yankee co-owner Del "Mr. Baseball" Webb

42.)  Yankee General Manager George "Chuckles" Weiss

43.)  Yankee backup catcher Charlie Silvera played in 227 major league games and one World Series game. Somehow, he was on six World Series winners, while Ty Cobb was on none.

44.)  Bill Mazeroski got the key hit in three Pirate wins, hit the World Series-winning home run, batted .320 and watched Yankee Bobby Richardson get named the MVP of the 1960 World Series.

45.)  Either the Yankees of the 1960's were a cliquish gang who slammed windows on kids wanting autographs (as described in Jim Bouton's Ball Four)...

46.)  ... OR Bouton is a liar, in which case the Yankees issued a paycheck to a big-mouthed malcontent who had a 4-15 record in 1965.

47.)  Joe DiMaggio was voted baseball's "Greatest Living Player" largely because that noted baseball expert, Paul Simon, wrote a line in "Mrs. Robinson" about him.

48.)  Free enterprise is free enterprise, but there is something terribly wrong when Luis Tiant is pictured in a Yankee uniform, holding a hot dog and saying "It is great to be with a winner." I blame the Yankees.

49.)  Wally Pipp refused to play with a headache.

50.)  In the 1930's and 1940's, the Yankees would not allow radio broadcasts of their games.

51.)  You had to cheer for someone in the Billy Martin-Ed Whitson fight. Let alone watching that meathead Ventura start fights he could never win.

52.)  Shane Spencer had a few great weeks and the New York media compared the start of his career to those of various Hall of Famers. Earth to Spencer fans: baseball is a game of streaks. Hurricane Hazle, after a six-game major league career with the Reds, hit .403 in forty-one games for the '57 Braves. Within a year the twenty-eight-year-old was gone from the major leagues.

53.)  No matter how often I remind myself that he has a family and probably visits sick kids in hospitals, I cannot like Tino Martinez.

54.). The Yankees have helped cause the exorbitant salaries in baseball that damn-near lead to a strike this season. Bernie Williams made over $12 million a year in Yankee pinstripes. What does this make Chipper Jones or Alex Rodriguez worth? Can I buy a ticket on the installment plan?

55.)  Ron Blomberg was baseball's first designated hitter. There is something preternatural about a Yankee holding the distinction of introducing such an odious concept.

56.)  Jerry Coleman, whose malapropisms ("Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen") as a Padres announcer are legendary, is a former Yankee.

57.)  Hillary Clinton, who knows less about baseball than she knows about the state of New York she presides over, claims to be a lifelong Yankee fan. So did Adolph Hitler, Paul Castellano and Fidel Castro.

58.)  Andy Pettite : 2 words for ya. Boo Hoo. Forget a rosin bag this guy needs kleenex out on the mound. 

59.)  Roger Clemens. This guy's a piece of work. They say he's not a "real Yankee." That the rest of the Yankees shouldn't be judged by his idiotic personality/behavior/mentality. Bull * . He's the prototypical Yankee. A mercenary superstar who only cares about money and acts like a total a$$hole. He should be the new Yankees logo. Get rid of the "NY" symbol. Just a giant picture of Clemens throwing shattered bats at players and hitting them in the heads with 100 mile an hour baseballs. And Kissing Babe Ruth's monument before the game? F- you Clemens. I hope the monument has herpes.

60.) I hate the Yankees. I hate them so much it hurts inside to think about how much I hate them. Is that weird? Does it make me odd? If I watched some random guy walk into my house from off the street and beat the sh*t out of my grandmother... I'd hate him less than I hate Derek Jeter. And I think that might mean that I have a problem. Or what about if my cheating ex-fiance Jen walked into my room at 3 am and proceeded to rake my half naked body with an uber-sharpened gas-powered Weed-Weasel then poured a mixture of Bacardi 151, Salt and Iodine into the bleeding wounds followed with igniting my tattered corpse, I still wouldnt hate her nearly as much as those God Damned Yankees. Not to exaggerate the point...

A "Buttonholer" is defined by any individual, male or female, young or old, who relies on labels, stereotypes and other preconceived notions within which to systematically categorize certain individuals he or she meets in their head to make things more clear for them -- regardless if said impressions are indeed fact or in fact bullshit.

To some extent, as human beings, especially those of us who are Americans, we are somewhat prone to some extent of it. Fair enough. That much is understandable, but doesn't make you a full-on Buttonholer.

What makes one a full-fledged Buttonholer is when you RELY on these impressions to DEFINE an individual for you, rather than taking the time, effort and energy to truly get to know that individual through and through. Nowhere is this more prevalent than in high school. Ask anybody about "Who went to your high school" and you are sure to receive a Breakfast-Club-like breakdown sounding something like: "Well there were the popular kids, who usually were like the rich kids, the jocks, the brains. But then there were the Wiggers [*note: Oh, how I loathe this term -- no matter how you couch it, the root of the word is still the same grotesque one that's like nails on a chalkboard for me], the stoners and [for schools on the East Coast] the Loobahs." Most people will usually follow this up with, "...and then there was us" like because YOU were telling the story, that somehow gives you anonymity from a label. But I digress ...

Like I said, to some extent we all do it. But the people that piss me off like putting two spoonfulls of salt into your coffee before you realize it's not sugar are the people that rely on it! Interestingly enough, these people tend to be the ones who consider themselves to be "without a label/uniform/stereotype."

Take for example my first few years of college, where I was introduced to those that considered themselves "Goth" and those that actually were. You know the type. The posers were the ones who would go to a freakin' amusement park in the middle of July, 102 degree, 98
uhidity weather wearing a black, full length, 100otton trenchcoat, a face full of black lipstick and eyeliner, black vinyl pants and heavy black utility boots. Other than being one serious source of amusement, I often just wanted to reach out to one of these "tortured souls" and say "Dude! It's more than 100 fucking degrees! Get a God Damned clue! Even Brian Warner knows it's too hot out to wear that kinda shit!" I guess you gotta give 'em props for determination, but COME ON now! Ironically, the ones that actually were of the Gothic mindset sometimes loved wearing white, or even dressing up, just to see the reactions on peoples face from one mode of dress to another. They were actually also some of the most creative, musically oriented people I've ever met, but again, I digress ...

Fast forward a few years. Now if you don't know me too well, you might not know that my two favorite brands of music are Ska, in any of it's waves, and hardcore, kick-your-ass, heavy metal. Go ahead, look at my pic, run me through your inner stereotype scanner and let that little alarm go off for a while. One might look at me and say "What?! Why he's a painfully clean-cut fellow! I never would've taken him for a ..." Right there, it's the inner-Buttonholer we all must resist and ultimately smother to death. Like I said, we all do it to some extent or another -- the point of my rant is to get us to STOP doing it. To STOP categorizing and start opening ourselves up for further examination. Both by ourselves and by others. And furthermore, to initiate that conversation. It's very easy to do, you know. Five little words. Say it with me: "So, tell me about you."

'Cuz here's the deal, and here's where the real mind-fuck begins (so if you're a typical Sean Hannity listening, sheep-style American, here's where you tune out) as Americans living in the 21st Century, as modern and advanced as we think we are, as open minded and fair as we consider ourselves to be, there has never been a time in history that we as human beings were more out of touch with the human condition. With as much "Communication Technology" as we have been inundated with, we have never been more disconnected and clueless as to what makes you, me, him or her -- tick.

In the days before big cities and concrete, in the days before Motorola and Dell, the days before MySpace and AIM, people would sit around campfires at night and tell each other stories, face to face. They would laugh, they would cry, they would let their imaginations collectively wander across a tapestry painted with all the colors of that storyteller’s imagination. These were the Native Americans, these were the Celts, these were the Ancient Chinese Clans, these were the South American tribes and nations. They were people who entertained themselves not just with the act of surviving, but with meeting others and weaving them into their lives. And if you read into the histories of any of these groups, one thing prevails: They had more respect for one another than any group living now.

Sounds like a tangent? Here's where I bring it back in. Let's break it down: Where do we get our stereotype that says a hippie must wear hemp and not shave and not wear deodorant and hate the government and smoke weed every day? Where do we get the stereotype that in order to be a true metal fan one must pierce every loose piece of flesh on their body (and some that aren't), tattoo every bare square inch of flesh and wear skulls and black clothing every single day of their lives (how boring would THAT be???). And where do we get the stereotypes that every guy who wears a button up shirt and jeans who is clean shaven and wears his hair high and tight must be a preppy? Then ask yourself, is each trait mutually exclusive? Or can one mix and match as they please -- or does this somehow disqualify them from the rest of the stereotypic grouping? Marinate on that for a moment. The answer is clear and staring you in the face. Got it? Now expel it from your mind like you just found a dead spider in your cupcake.

Here's my challenge to you, dear reader: Let us make a conscious effort to no longer categorize each other based on what we wear, what we drive, what music we listen to or who we hang out with. Instead, let's get back to our roots as human beings and sit down with each other for a talk. Let's breathe the same air for a while and tell each other the stories of our youth and the stories of our every day lives. Let's share what really makes you happy without fear that someone else will think it's dumb. I believe that is the source of why most of us yearn for acceptance and fear rejection, because we fear that somehow we don't fit into someone else's preconceived notion of who we are or should be. But, you know what, as soon as we stop Buttonholing, as soon as we stop living the stereotypes and start being honest with ourselves and each other, I think you'll find a lot more people out there just like you. But I'd be willing to bet they look nothing like you thought they would.

Most of all, and do this today, stop someone you've never spoken with before, regardless of what they look like, and initiate that conversation with them. All it takes is those five little words -- "So, tell me about you."

Hello All,
     Just a quick note: In light of the tragedy that has befallen New Orleans, Biloxi, Gulfport, and the rest of the Gulf Coast, KHUM, K-Slug and KWPT the Point have started a Disaster Relief Fund to try to raise money to send to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. The following is the Press release we just sent out to the rest of Media:

"For Immediate Release:

While News over the last few days have been filled with the images of destruction wrought by Hurricane Katrina, there is now an immediate opportunity for those of us living on the North Coast to aid our neighbors to the South.

Local radio stations KHUM, KSLG, and KWPT have teamed up with the Times-Standard to create a disaster relief fund for the people of Louisiana and  Mississippi who have been affected by Hurricane Katrina. A bank account has been established at North Valley Bank with all proceeds to be sent to the American Red Cross. If you are interested in donating to this urgent need, you can make your deposit at any of the seven branches of North Valley Bank from Willits to Crescent City. Checks can be made payable to Gulf Coast Disaster Relief Fund.

We’re all in this together and the time is Now!  Please take this opportunity to donate immediately and generously to our neighbors on the Gulf Coast."

So that's what's up. Please, go into your nearest North Valley Bank (formerly known as Six Rivers Bank) and donate to the fund. It doesn't have to be big, every dollar helps. Thank you, and please keep these people in your thoughts.

So here I am, reading the New York Times online. Checking out all the deep doo-doo that Bush is getting himself into (again) as far as this whole revelaing the identity of a CIA operative thing is concerned (surprised? I'm not). Then I look over and read about some of the shit that China is up to (remember, the one that still has our "most favored nation" status) with the Dalai Lama of Tibet, how he's like Public Enemy #1 over there, etc. And I read further about the shit going on in North Korea, the shit going on in Taiwan, and, of course, all the madness going on in the Middle East (better known as "Vietnam Part 2"). And I just gotta stop and think: Why can't we have Jed Bartlett for Presdient? You know, the guy Martin Sheen plays on the TV show "The West Wing"? Seriously! Enough of all the world politik crap! Or if we gotta be stuck with "Dubya," I want his next speech to go like this: 

My fellow Americans:

      As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

      This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.

      It is now time to begin the reckoning.

      Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

      The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

      Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

      The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

      Need help with a "famine"? Wrestling with an "epidemic"? When in reality you want a new Lear Jet for your palace? Call France.

      In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

      On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

      To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo -- Boys: Work out a peace deal NOW. Just give 'em the left bank and shut up about it! You can still do trade with 'em, but it will be theirs and that's all they want. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.

      I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

      I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed.  I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.  I love New York.

        A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment.  I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty -- starting now. 

      It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Starving people in Afghanistan? Christ, we've got starving people in New Jersey! Now of course, some will accuse us of isolationism.

      I answer them by saying 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.

      It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America.

      To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you big, and trust me when I say we will hook you guys up. To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

God bless America.

Thank you and good night.

        Okay, that's it! I'm bringing out the ol' soap box, dustin' 'er off and gettin' up on it once again. Yessiree Bobsky, I'm pissed. And here's why: People who think they are an expert judge of anything and that somehow this makes them the be-all-end-all opinion on that topic just absolutely tangle my underoos. Some pinky finger liftin', cheese eatin', butt sniffin' frenchie thinks he knows a thing or two about wine and makes his career as a Sommelier, and that somehow means that I can't drink my RED WINE CHILLED or my Viognier with Beef Wellington. BULLSHIT! I'll drink it with a fuckin' Coors Light if I want to! No, I'm no low-brow, hard-line, right-wing, confederate Neanderthal, but really, why can't I decide what's good an bad for me and have that be okay? But I digress ...

Okay .... Breathe, Quinn. Relax .... And realize "This is me Breathing."

        All better now. Focus. Yes, the topic at hand. Today's focus of my rage are Movie Reviewers. I sat down at the Philly Cheese Steak Shoppe in Eureka for lunch the other day (one of their sublime Mushroom, Bacon, Onion custom dealies) and had to ruin an otherwise scrumptious lunch by reading the San Francisco Chronicle. I know, I shoulda been reading the North Coast Journal, but I didn't. My mistake.
        So I flip to their Entertainment section (I guess subconsciously looking for something to get pissed off at) and lo and behold there's some jerk (pardon me, that jerk was Mick LaSalle) panning the "Dukes of Hazzard" movie that just came out. I grabbed at the edges of the paper a little more tightly and read on. Mick compared the movie to Porky's and Smokey and the Bandit and says (and I quote) "This is hardly a routine bad movie. This is a disaster, a series of almost back-to-back chase scenes in which the audience roots for the protagonists to be caught or killed, but without much hope of either ever happening. The movie establishes, with startling economy, that it’s about two imbeciles -- played by Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville -- and it’s downhill from there, the longest 97-minutes of the year."
        Are you abso-fuckin-lutely nuts?! Okay, yes, I really loved the Piano, and Amelie, and Remains of the Day, and Out of Africa, and all those other cockamaymee period pieces you seem to love so much, but how can you pan the Dukes of Hazzard?!?! That's just un-American, dude! The only things I could come up with were ...

 A: He must've been a withered old man before the TV show premiered in '79. That or didn't own a TV during the time it was on the air because he was living in some backwoods Klan Compound and resents never getting to see it.

B: He must have been born & raised in San Fran, having never ventured outside of it, and LORD KNOWS he's never been to the South.

C: He's either related to, friends with or formerly one of the pompous-ass-Frenchie Sommelier's referred to above (look at his last name, LaSalle, that sounds like some wimpyFrench idn't it?)

D: He's juuuuuust not quite comfortable with his sexuality just yet and takes offense to any movie that's not blantantly esoteric (therefore making him more comfortable in his own skin).

... DO NOT believe LaSalle's review. See the Dukes of Hazzard. See it tonight. First and foremost, you don't go to see the Dukes of Hazzard expecting an Oscar performance! Did you MISS the title of the movie there, tanto? You go to see a movie like this for the fun of it, to laugh at the Dukes stupid antics and to watch a Magnificent piece of American automotive machinery parade about the screen jumping ravines and eluding officers reminiscient of the Keystone Kops. Not to find your next role for Jessica Tandy to revive and perform!
        I grew up not missing a single episode of the Dukes. It was something good and pure about my childhood. So to see the movie brought back to life and written in the exact same manner as the show's scripts were, to see Uncle Jesse played by Willie Nelson and Daisy Duke played by Jessica Simpson, to see the General Lee rise again to race about the streets of Atlanta was like drinking an ice-cold bombay martini while sitting in a hot tub on a nippy fall night with a warm fire blazing in the firepit behind me. It was comfortable, mesmerizing in a homey sort-of way and warmed the very cockles of my heart. A much needed dose of comfort in a sometimes very uncomfortable world.

        I'll bring this rant to a close. But before I do, let me re-emphasize the downright NEED for you to go see the Dukes of Hazzard movie. To say it was a phenomenal, hilarious, thrilling ride wouldn't be doing it justice. Especially if you're like me and grew up watching the show religiously.

Whew. I feel much better now. 

Well, it seems like in order to truly stay connected using these MySpace.com/Friendster.com thingies, you've gotta put yourself up in both places. So, in keeping with this rule, I am indeed in two places at once. If you're seeing me here, but you're also on Friendster.com and would like to add me to your ever-growing list of friends, first of all, Thanks! You rock! Secondly though, check me out at: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=19575332 .

~Cheers!

--Quinn

Dr. Q Clavin: Sensei of Senselessness, Baron of Bullshit

         This is a posting I once had up on my good buddy Nick's website, a website which, very unfortunately, has fallen into disrepair and atrophe. The cause, yup, you guessed it, a girl. It's a pretty typical story: Boy meets girl, boy falls HARD for girl, girl moves in with boy, boy forgets friends and neglects website. But it's okay, even though I've never met her I've heard she's pretty damned cool. But I digress...

         We all have our nicknames. And just like the 80’s phrase “If you gotta tell someone you’re cool, you’re probably not,” you can’t give yourself a nickname. They’re earned. Some, like 2-Rails (remember that friend Nick? Yeah, this was his nickname before said girl), come from a profound skill with something and are given by those sick and tired of losing 9-ball games to said individual (grrrrr!).

         Others still come from a propensity to act a certain way, such as calling someone “Sparky” or “Twitch.” And thus where my nickname from high school came rolling along: it all started in a creative writing class, and burned on like some horribly unchecked Forest Fire: Cliff. No, not Cliff like “Go jump off a ____” or like the enigmatic character from the classic movie “Dead Man on Campus.” No, I got labeled with Cliff after the TV show “Cheers!” pontificating Cliff Clavin. The purveyor of useless knowledge, and, much like me, was a fellow Trivia Sensei and Baron of Bullshit.

         What can I say, I remember things. Those tiny details along the way you pick up and store away in some cobwebbed portion of your brain otherwise reserved only for the titles of movies starring Ron Jeremy or Sandra Bernhard and the answers to the kind of questions you hear on $10,000 Pyramid (or however much it is). Like what was the name of the dog on the Brady Bunch?* Who was the World Series MVP in 1967 (the last time the Red Sox faced the Cards in the World Series)?* And how old IS Dick Clark anyway?*

         It is with this love in mind I give you Dr. Q’s “30 secrets of the universe.” After reading this, you will be that much closer to spiritual Nirvana (or at least five minutes older, whichever’s more valuable to you). You may want to take notes …  

1. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

2. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

3. Donkeys kill more people annually than airplane crashes.

4. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. 

5. The average human swallows an average of sixteen (16) spiders in their sleep in their lifetime. (Oh, the protein!)

6. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

7. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.  

8. A publisher from Random House bet Dr. Seuss $50 that he couldn’t write a book using just 50 words. Dr. Seuss won that bet by writing Green Eggs and Ham, which went on to sell more than 6 Million copies.  

9. On that same note, the best selling Children’s Novel of all time is “The Poky Little Puppy” by Jeannette Sebring Lowrey, with more than 14 Million copies sold.

10. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

11. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

12. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

13. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

14. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

15. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."

16. John Vanbiesbrouck, goaltender for the NHL’s Florida Panthers at the end of his career, was the only professional athlete with every vowel in his last name. 

17. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. (Poor Mickey)

18. Pearls melt in vinegar. 

19. Slugs melt in beer (Don’t know if I’d finish that beer though …).

20. The three most valuable brand names on earth:  Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

21. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. (See also: Martha’s Vineyard Regional High School Senior Prank gone horribly awry).

22. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. (Take that, AFLAC)

23. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid  airborne particles resulting from the flush.  (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

24. Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

25. The second? William Jefferson Clinton.  (Wonder what you can spell with Bush’s name?)

26. Thin Mints are the best selling Girl Scout Cookies of all time at 26f total sales. Samn second at 19f total sales.

27. The first letter Vanna White ever turned on “the Wheel of Fortune” puzzle board was a "T."

28. There have only been seven (7) Left Handed United States Presidents (Garfield, Hoover, Truman, Ford, Reagan, Bush Sr. and Clinton).

29. The Chevrolet Camaro first appeared in 1967 as a response to Ford ’64 Mustang, which was produced in response to Chevy’s Corvair Monza. It hada 350 cubic inch V8 engine rated at 295 horsepower. What’s more, the Camaro derives its name from the French word for “Friend” or “Companion.”

And the best for last.....

30. Turtles can breathe through their butts.  (I know some people like that, don't YOU? Or at least talk out of them {or stick their hand in them}).

Now you know everything there is to know. Go proudly into the world and proclaim yourself the genius you already knew you were, fully prepared for your big break with Alex Trebec.

***For the record, the answers were: Tiger, Bob Gibson and 75. Just in case you … Um, I dunno. Just in case.