Uncovering the Mythology of Masculine/Feminine

This past year for me has been all about uncovering mythologies in my life that do not serve me and seeing where I have been caught in my own boxes.  It has been such a deep time of self discovery and transformation for me.  Last night I was filmed for a documentary and on film I did something that was terribly hard for me, which was to confront a Male Sexual Healer about accusations towards him that his students feel as if he has raped them.  During our confrontation he kept coming back to the wounded feminine and how his role is to bring up deep feminine wounds.  This is not a new thing.  For centuries gurus have placed blame on those who confront them by saying it is coming from some deep wound within the accusing student that only they can see.  Cult leaders also do this.  In listening to him speak from his beliefs and watching myself in the situation I started to see the trap behind the thinking of wounded feminine and wounded masculine and to see how this is another mythology that is not serving my highest potential.  "WHAT!?!?" You say.  Yes, I know that working with this has been something that I have taught in the past and yes, it has been profound for me to move through embracing these aspects of myself and healing them.  I don't deny that.  I don't deny that that this box might be a great place for someone to work through their stuff, just as the Christian Church might also be a great place to heal and learn about prayer and feel good about oneself.  But I clearly saw how the idea of Wounded Feminine/Wounded Masculine or Divine/Feminine and Divine/Masculine is just another disguise for an age old mythology.  And I saw just how deep these mythologies run in our lives.

So, let me speak from Archetypes, in Christianity we have the archetype of the Christ (Divine Masculine), the Crucifixion (wounded masculine), Mary (Divine Feminine) and Mary Magdalene (In some versions, wounded feminine), we could also look at Buddhism and do the same thing, or Judaism.  Why do we do these archetypes exist?  And why has the symbolism behind them become so entrenched?   Who would we be if we broke free from the myths and looked into the entire galaxy of possibilities of the infinite essence of who we are without the need for Divine/Wounded? 

In my training as a Sexological Bodyworker my eyes were opened to the fact that there is an entire galaxy of gender out there.  We are not limited to male/female.  Yet so many things in our culture reinforce this idea.  One person in my training spoke on the gender galaxy (he was a transsexual) and the importance of recognizing that we are not limited to just male and female.  I myself have always felt genderless, yes, I look like a female, but I can play in other energies quite easily.  Tantra has often been criticized by same sex couples and those who feel that they are not limited to masculine or feminine energy.  This is because the Masculine/Feminine mythology alienates this population of human beings.  We must break through the illusion that we are separate inside.  Perhaps there is nothing to heal, we are whole and perfect just the way we are.  I learned recently that healing can come from seeing yourself as completely loved and whole, but when you see yourself as having war within you, then that war is fed, and the macrocosm outside of us reflects that.  Our brains do not know the difference between imagined and real.  If we truly believe that there is no separation and no wounded male/female and instead we focus on wholeness and vitality within the vast infinite human beings that we are then we are free.

I also had the realization that sexual shame is so deeply engrained in us that Tantra can also be a trap for not dealing fully with that shame.  "What!?!"  You say.  Here is my theory.  Most religions teach that the flesh is sinful, that our desires are bad, and that we should only have sex for pro-creation.  Tantra is a spiritual path that says "yes" to our sexuality, but what I often see if that people are trapped in needing the mythology of the divine feminine/divine masculine in order to be able to own their desires.  I am not saying that this is a bad thing.  This is a great place to feel.  It is great to step into the archetype of the divine feminine and experience sex that is guilt free and to really own desire.  But what if we could enter into our authentic desire and sexuality without having to take on any mythologies or boxes?  What if we could simply admit that we desire sex, that it feels good, and that, that is okay?  I know from my own personal experience that in the past I needed Tantra in order to feel better about my sexuality; I needed the feeling that I was still being spiritual.  But now I have let go of that box.  I can own my sexuality and simply intend to feel pleasure.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Tantra, I love what it has given me, but I clearly see that it became another box for me, that they only time I had permission to be sexual is if I had a spiritual construct to the act.  I have witnessed so much of this shame still buried under the mythologies and my request is that we all think about what we need in order for us to be really authentic and simply own that we love sexual pleasure and to be okay with that?  How do we dispel sexual shame without introducing a new box or set of mythologies?  How do we bring people to freedom of authentic sexual expression?

It feels a little vulnerable to put these ideas out there, but it is where I am right now and I am committed to authentically expressing myself.  I would love any feedback.

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Orgasmic Conscious Birth

This past weekend I attended a workshop with Elena Valdimirova.  Elena created the acclaimed documentary Birth As We Know It, which is now in over 48 countries and being used as curriculum in Iran.  I went to this workshop because I work as a sex educator and a big part of sex is about pro-creation.  But what I am most interested in is the idea that giving birth does not have to be painful, and that it actually can be Orgasmic.  I am feeling a deep desire within me to move into the field of Orgasmic Birthing and helping couples to maintain sexual relationships during this time.  I also hope to assist in healing our birth traumas so that we can bring children into the world who are born free from negative birth imprints.  But for now,  I want to share some of the major realizations and experiences I had during the workshop.

Circumcision

I have discussed circumcision in one of my previous blogs, but this weekend the wounding from this barbaric practice was driven even deeper into me.  Recently medical science has confirmed that babies can feel pain.  DUH!  Like we needed a huge study to determine this!  Before this it was taught to doctors that babies do not feel pain, so circumcision has been done without anesthesia, the foreskin being cut slowly, the baby strapped down.  I cannot even begin to fathom the imprint that this gives our baby boys at birth.  Their first experience of being in the human body is a message of pain and betrayal by the feminine/mother.  And their pleasure is completely cut off.  The foreskin contains over 20,000 erogenous nerve endings which not only give pleasure but also tell the man information about his partner.  There really is no medical reasoning for removing the foreskin and the religious reasoning may also have misled us due to wrong translations of ancient texts.  One rabbi reports that there is no record in original text for the removal of foreskin, only a statement that says to "remove the foreskin from your heart".  In Egypt circumcision was a way to create soldiers and slaves.  It imprints suffering and is linked to aggressiveness and the experience of pleasure and pain in the same place.  Often time the bonding with the female aspects of oneself is also cut off.  A man who is at one with the feminine within himself cannot rape and kill.  BUT…there is good news!  Many people are beginning to stop having their baby boys circumcised.  In California only 20% of babies born have been circumcised.  And the other good news is that men who have been circumcised can restore their foreskin.  By "tugging" on the skin you can encourage the growth of new skin cells and therefore restore this protective covering.  Men who restore their foreskin reported more sensitivity, better pleasure and a deeper emotional connection with the women in their lives.  I am currently researching some of the best ways to go about restoration.  Okay, on to the positive stuff…

Conscious Birth

Imagine what being consciously born into the world could mean.  Imagine your parents looking at each other with such deep love and passion and deciding to bring you into the world.  Imaging a gestation period where you are sung to, where your parents take utmost care to make sure that you are safe and loved.  Imagine their excitement to bring you into the world.  You are surrounded by your mother’s love, pleasure and joy.  And when you do come into the world there are no drugs, no bright lights, no needles, no screaming in pain; there is instead your mother’s pleasure and people all around to welcome you into the world.  Your father’s hands are the first thing you feel as you are lifted out of the water and placed on your mother’s chest to feed at her breast.  You are touched and caressed and whispered to about how much you are loved.  Everyone is celebrating you.   There are people on this planet who bring babies into the world in this way.  Their children are like a different species.  They remember their birth, they grow up to be fast, strong, healthy and at peace with nature.  We are all meant to be this way, but nearly 95% of all births are labeled as "traumatic".  We are only just beginning to understand the implications of Medical Intervention during the birthing process.  I am not saying that medicine is a negative thing.  There are definitely times when a C-section is necessary and when medicine saves lives.  But there are also many negative effects.  William Emerson wrote and article called Birth Trauma Implications of Medical Intervention.  He did over 15 years of research.  In his study he found many negative effects of circumcision, scheduled c-sections, fathers being removed from the birth and more.  For example, did you know that the intestinal flora of the baby are created in the birth canal, therefore they are not created during a c-section.  Could this explain some of the epidemic of digestive issues that we are facing?  BUT…again there is good news.  A new way is being paved.  Women are beginning to once again take charge of the birthing process.  It starts with the conscious choice to conceive a child, to consciously gestate, and then choose joy, love and orgasm over suffering in labor.  It is meant to be a labor of love, an experience of ecstasy.  And even if you were imprinted with a negative birth experience there are ways to experience a new Limbic (part of the where emotions, feelings and sensations are processed and memorized) imprint.  You can simply re-create and experience a new imprint.  It is not about investigating what is wrong, but re-creating where you want to put your energy.  During the workshop I experienced a new limbic imprint.  It was so simple, yet so incredibly effective.  I felt so light afterwards and very sensual and yummy.

Sexuality and Conscious Birth

Something that Elena said struck me as extremely powerful. "A woman needs to be in here BODY in order to give birth well. When a woman is disconnected from her sexuality it causes complication.  Birth is a time where sex and spirit meet."  When I heard these words I knew I was in the right place.  We are all a product of sex and it is about time that we start to let go of the shame and understand that everyone is doing it.  And when we are having sex for procreation we are co-creators to something spiritual, magical and beyond comprehension, but we need to have a body in order to do it.  A woman has to EMBODY something that does not exist- a spirit.  This is the essence of sacred sexuality:  conscious conception is the union of sex and spirit, it is inevitable.  But what I see so often are couples who wish to have children, but are not experiencing a good sex life to begin with.  What if we started with conscious, deep and connected sexuality that was free of shame and then moved into conscious conception?  I have seen an epidemic in this culture and that is the hundreds of couples who have a child and then never regain a sex life.  I would say that 85% of my practice involves this.  I have questioned over and over what the root of this issue is and I had found it this weekend.  We have forgotten the man’s role in the birthing process.  In order for a woman to have a fully conscious and orgasmic birth she needs the support of the masculine, but most men have been so traumatized at their own births that on some deep level they are terrified and often avoid the birth of their children.  Statics show that 90% of women never recover their sexual relationship with the fathers of their children because of the abandonment of the male.  They must channel all of their energy into the baby and therefore the man become s a nuisance later on.  He seems like a stranger in her bed.   When the male partner is present during birth he can be a great support.  He can help her to produce more Oxytocin in her body which is what creates the orgasmic sensations during birth.  Kissing, supporting, protecting her, all of these allow her to relax and to produce more and more Oxytocin.  It has also been reported that post partum depression is decreased if the man has attended the birth.  After the birth he is more able to join her in her healing process and many men report that the delivering of a baby helps them to truly transition into manhood.  A couple can have a healthy sex life after children.  I have found that clear, honest communication, play, sex toys and the man creating a place for her to come back to all help.  It is important for men to realize that even though she has transitioned into motherhood, she is still a sexual being and she will still have desire.  I am clear that I want to do more research here.  How many couples disconnect after the birth of a child?  And out of those how many of the men attended the births of their children?

Procreation and Sexual Shame

I think that biggest lesson that came out of the weekend for me was about my own sexual shame.  During sex I often fantasize about creating a child.  I went to this workshop not only because I am a sex educator but also because I have been exploring bringing a child into this world.  After an exercise where we re-created our Limbic Imprint I felt light and jubilant, but it had an interesting affect on me.  I desired so much to go home and make love to my partner, not because I wanted to make babies, but because I wanted to be in the sheer pleasure of the experience.  I think that subconsciously we have been programmed that the only sex that can be free of shame and guilt is sex for procreation.  I realized that subconsciously I have been there.  I hadn’t really let myself go into sex just for pleasure because I still had shame.  But when I went into the fantasy of creating a child I could go deeper into the pleasure because it felt okay.  Now that is gone.  I had the best sex of my entire life last night, ripples of orgasms through my whole body, screaming, crying, laughing and such joy and ecstasy that there are no words to even begin to describe the experience.  I am finally free of shame.  I attribute this to the re-imprint.  During that time I saw how much my parents loved each other when they created me, how much passion and fire was between them, and I felt every time my mother had an orgasm.  I wonder how many of us unconsciously are still holding onto the belief that the only time it is really okay to have sex is during the creation of a child, and that is why making babies feels so good.

Sexual Manifestation

Another huge realization I had involves orgasm and Fibonacci Sequence.  The Fibonacci Sequence is a mathematical formula found all over in nature (1-1-2-3-5-8-13…), it is the spiral.  Elena stated that the spiral is also the energy of orgasm, and I agree completely with her.  I often feel this spiral in my body at the moment of orgasm, or during sensual dancing.  So if the spiral is orgasm and the Fibonacci Sequence is the spiral then orgasm has huge powers of manifestation.  Right now this is a lot to explain, but those of you who get this will get it.  I hope to write more about this as it unfolds and I discover more.

Resources

http://www.birthasweknowit.com

http://www.williamemerson.com

http://www.birthpsychology.com

http://www.nocirc.org/

http://www.jaiya.net

I feel like a very proud mother and I am so happy to announce that my DVDs are finally available. There is no way to describe how amazing, heart wrenching and unbelievable this project has been.  So now, I want to celebrate with everyone I know everywhere around the globe and the only way that I could think of to do that is on-line.  Sort of like my release pary on a global scale.

Don’t you think that the world would be a better place if we all gave and received enough touch, love, affection and orgasms?   What if we were taught how to give quality touch to our lovers and intimates?  Today me and my production company (New World Sex Education) are launching a new DVD series entitled RED HOT TOUCH.  This 5 part series offers different ways that touch can enhance intimacy, connection and erotic trance states.  It is both an educational tool and a piece of high quality sensual artistry.  The series was written and is narrated by me and I am also giving and receiving the massage techniques. It is based on my book by the same title.  In celebration of our launch we are offering a buy one get one free special for today (April 2^nd) only.  Simply go to our site order any one DVD and we will send you a second DVD for FREE!  And as a bonus you will also receive Jon and I’s new e-book You’re Sexy When You Touch Like That.  For a preview or to order go to www.redhottouch.com 

Myspace has been disabling my links, I am not a phisher or a spammer nor are my sites like "head lice" as they said.

Please note that we won’t be shipping until late next week.

Thanks you so much for all of your love, support and congrats.

So, check out my new on-line TV channel- Sex with Jaiya

Let me know what you think!

http://www.liberator.com/backstage_gamma.php

And also...just posted...me modeling and working with Dr. B, be sure to scroll throughout the site, there are other videos tucked in.

http://www.theooh.com/videos/index.php

I had a few hours in the Atlanta Airport so I decided to pick up a book entitled Sensational Sex In 7 Easy Steps by Ridwan Shabsigh, MD.  I didn't realize that it was a book for men dealing with sexual health issues like erectile dysfunction, lack of libido and premature ejaculation.  As I read the first chapter the healer/scientist in me got very excited.  I work with so many men and couples who are having difficulty with this challenging aspect of their sex lives, they are often hopeless.  Doctors have told them that ED and lack of libido are just signs of aging and prescribed them a pill which in most cases didn't work.  I have had a different perspective for many years that ED and lack of libido are not just a symptom of aging, but more a sign that something is out of balance with overall health and well-being.  It could be that the man feels pressured to perform in a way that he has seen in porn and that he should have a raging erection the entire time, it could be a weight issue, it could be a lack of connection and intimacy between him and his partner, it could be poor oxygen levels, it could be alcohol consumption or smoking, it could be that their bodies are in physical pain in certain positions.  Looking at the whole person and their lifestyle can lead to a simple solution to sexual health issues.  Dr. Shabsigh writes that sexual health is intimately connection with overall health and often these issues point to a bigger problem.  For example, men with ED may also have cardiovascular disease, low testosterone,  high blood pressure, metabolic syndrome, type 2 diabetes, depression or obesity.  In a study conducted by MALES (Men's Attitudes to Life Events and Sexuality), they reported 31% of men with heart trouble and 75% with hypertension also experienced ED.  Dr. Shabsigh has created 7 Step to improving overall heath which affects your sexual health and I am pleased to discover that many of them tie into what I have been teaching.

Step 1- Overcoming Barriers

Usually men are afraid or embarrassed when it comes to discussing these issues with doctors or partners, but it is time that we bury sexual shame and bring these concerns out into the open.

Step 2- Life Styling

I couldn't agree more that changed in Life Style can greatly improve sexual health.  Sadly many people wait until there is a problem before they begin to make any change.  If was all adapted a more positive and healthy life style we wouldn't end up in health crisis.

Step 3- Every Body Participates

Here is where a somatic educator can come in.  How many men (or women) really know their bodies or are even aware of something being off in their whole body system?  Your entire body is involved in your sexual health.

Step 4- Mind Matters

So often I see students who are terrified about sexual encounter because of their ED or PE.  This fear usually makes the issue at hand even worse.  Learning how to calm the mind, be in the moment, and focus more on connection, intimacy, sensuality and pleasure can be a great place to start.

Step 5- Two to Tango

Improve relationship is not only good for your sexual health, but also for your overall health.  Everyone wants to be able to love and to be loved and this is a big part of our sex lives.  The majority of people that I have seen in my private practice and workshops are looking for ways to improve connection and intimacy and sadly most have given up hope.   Finding ways to connect are vitally important, even if it isn't sexually.

Step 6- Sexual Medicine

Sometimes we need western medicine to help.  There are many different ways that western medicine can kick start a person back to wellness.  There are also sex therapists, sexological bodyworkers, tantric educators and mentors, and holistic healers that can assist in this process.

Step 7- Plan to Play

I think that this is my favorite step.  These issues can be devastating to couples and a source of tension, but if you can learn to play, to keep it light, to rediscover your sexuality it becomes a place where you never stop exploring what is erotically possible.

So, I highly recommend this book.  It is full of wonderful information with a lot of scientific background that reinforces what I have thought all along, our sexual health is intimately connected with our overall health.

So, I had a very exciting weekend this weekend.  Right now I am sitting in my hotel room in Atlanta after a nice long bath and a light workout and I am feeling on top of the world!  I just finished a shoot with Liberator.  You may ask- What is Liberator?  Well, it is a line of Sex Furniture and Shapes that promote sexual wellness.  I came in to work with them as a LOVE ARTIST and to talk about Tantra and Holistic aspects of sex.  I got to work with Dr. B who is one of the most intelligent doctors I have ever met, and he gets the eastern side of medicine and sexuality.  It was a great blending of East meets West.  We had some great discussions about how intimacy and connection are so important to so many people, yet in today's world we all have such a difficult time finding those deep connections.  We also talked about sexual wellness, more specifically working with people who are in pain.  Most of you know that if you are in pain and you are tired the last thing you want to think about is sex.  But orgasm actually relieves pain, and sex is a restorative; so what do you do to make sex pain free?  This is where Liberator comes in.  These shapes allow people to position themselves in a way that takes pressure off joints and muscles to create sexual positions that are free of pain.  We worked with two people who were having some issues and it was great to see how they could improve their sex lives both on a physical level and on a spiritual/emotional level.  I was able to weave Tantra and Taoist Sexuality in with the advice of an Orthopedic Surgeon and we both realized how complimentary it all was on a holistic level.   As a Tantra Teacher I haven't been too big on products, but Liberator has impressed me.  I got to play with their bedroom adventure gear this past week and I had so much fun playing and creating…there was no end to my exploration.  I discovered that g-spot stimulation is much better if I can elevate my hips to the right level.  And I discovered that connection can be deepened because the energy centers can be in alignment in positions of ease rather than trying to sit in on a bed or floor for extended periods in some of the Tantric Lovemaking positions.  But one of my favorite things was that I felt very comfortable releasing my Amrita because all of the covers are washable…I didn't have to worry about making a mess in the bed.  During this weekend we started saying "Be a Love Artist, never stop exploring…because sexual energy is creative energy."  And I couldn't agree more.  I see so many couples who just get bored, there is a lack of connection and they are stuck in a pattern.  If they can begin to get creative, have fun and reignite their connection there is not limit to the excitement that can come into their relationship.

I want to thank everyone at Liberator, but especially Lewis and Dr.B for treating me like a Sex Star and for the sexual wellness and exploration that they are so passionate about.

Have you ever wept at the shear ecstasy of life?  Have you ever felt so deeply loved and cared for and held that heavy tears drop from your eyes craving rest on your lover's skin? 

One of my partners's recently told me to take the time to feel the ecstasy of life.  On that particular day I was not sure of the existence of any ecstasy, I was in a mood of overwhelm…STRESS.  But tonight, just a few moments ago, it hit me- my life is so full of ecstasy.  I was laying in bed with a dear intimate, listening to him softly breathing, my arms enfolded around him and I thought about everything he has done for me and how much I love him and it sent me into ecstasy.  My thoughts began reeling as they scrolled through my day, through the month, through this past year.  I am so loved and there are people in my life who are part of something that is about to change all of our lives.  These people have worked so hard to support me in so many ways.  I have to back up, but forgive me, as I write this there are tears of joy streaming down my cheeks.  I had to get out of bed, all curled up and warm against this man who came into my life a little over seven months ago.  This man has shown his love in such deep and priceless ways that my heart overflows from the knowing that he would do just about anything for me and do it with such care and enthusiasm just to see me smile.  He has given me a roof over my head when I was homeless, he brought me out of darkness when I began to believe that love didn't exist and he has cared for me when I was very sick.  But if I back up even more I have another love that has been there for me for the last 6 years.  We celebrate our 6 year anniversary next weekend.  This man loves me with every fiber of his soul.  He has cared for me in countless ways and he has been there for me through just about anything you can possibly imagine.  Together we have written a book, made a DVD series, toured the country and have shared an amazing life.  We have been apart recently, which has been challenging, as it is the longest that we have ever been apart, but next week I get to see him and celebrate the beginning of another year together.  But none of it stops there.  I have another man in my life that has supported me these past few years who I have not given much credit to.  This man has been there to create websites, send out newsletters, save my shows, drive me all over, manage my business, edit my DVDs, work countless hours and so much more than I could ever write about.  I am more than blessed to have had this person come into my life and I a lot of my successes are because he is part of my team.   On top of this I have a photographer and director whose talent and skill have been beyond anything that I could imagine.  I am more than grateful that he chose to work with me and that as a team we have all created something magnificent.   And yet another man who believes in me so much that he has contributed to my career in so many countless ways.   So my thoughts go back to today.  Today I felt the ecstasy of what a mother must feel when she has just given birth and her baby is placed on her breast, all 10 fingers and toes, healthy and happy to be born into the world.  Today we completed the first of the five DVDs in my series.  I was close to tears.  I found it interesting that tonight at dance we were to sink into our bellies and the instructors talked about birth.  I danced for the birth of RED HOT TOUCH.  And I danced for the child of the past that would never be born.  I realized that healing is sometimes a process and that sometimes the process is the healing.  I put so much pressure on myself to heal instantly, to move on, but tonight I allowed myself to be in a process.  I let my belly relax, to fully let go and I squatted into the dance and gently swayed back and forth as I symbolically gave birth.  I had another realization that once you are pregnant, if you give birth, miscarry or abort…that, that creation is forever a part of you, no matter what.  And as the tears were about to flow from me, my partner came to dance, whirling around me as I micro-danced, gently swaying back and forth in my squat.  I felt him supporting me like a lover supporting a woman bringing his child into the world, dancing the chaos of birth as I gathered strength from him.  As the music shifted he placed a hand on my lower belly and a hand on my heart and I felt so held.  My body began to tremble.  And as the dance ended I knew that symbolically I have become a mother.  I am a mother to this project which has had many fathers, and together we have created something that I am sure will change not only our lives but also the lives of those who watch the beauty of sensual touch between two people who care so deeply about each other. 

Now I sit here in the dark.  I can't wait to crawl back into bed, next to the warm body of a beloved, to listen to him breathing, and feel the incredible ecstasy of my life.  It is a life that I co-created, so bits of it were expected and some are not, but I am so overjoyed by this moment that none of that matters.  So I am finally taking my partner's suggestion to feel the ecstasy of my life, to heart.  My god!  I am sitting in a moment of total joy, of joy that makes you laugh through tears.  Most of this ecstasy comes from feeling so loved, from knowing that I am loved and from finally birthing something that I have been in Labor with for what seems like forever.

Thank you to everyone who has ever supported me in life!  Especially to my mother and father who were the beginning of the creation of Jaiya.

Today is my birthday.  I have traveled around the sun a total of 31 times.  It has been one amazing journey with so many ups and downs and so much transformation it is hard to recognize where I am, who I am, and where I might be going.  One of my beloveds told me recently that he has never known anyone like me, someone who allows herself to be constantly ripped apart by change in order to help make a shift on this planet.  I definitely have been ripped apart several times this past year, and put back together again in different configurations.  I feel like a shapeshifter. 

Right now I am feeling overwhelmed with so much joy.  It is worth every risk to go out there and life your life with so much aliveness and freedom.  No one can tell you that you cannot do something that you dream about, I firmly believe that.  Freedom starts from the inside.  Once you free yourself from within you can do or be anything that you choose.  I have risked everything this past year.  I risked my closest relationship, I risked my life, I risked every penny I had in the bank, I risked my reputation, I risked persecution, I risked my home, I risked losing everything...but for some reason I have no fear filter.  I think that because I don't have the fear of losing everything I am willing to just jump off the cliff.  ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Below is one of my favorite poems by Mary Oliver, my favorite part is "For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters, caution and prudence?

Fall in! Fall in!"

I hear that line in my head every time I start to hesitate and then I continue to allow myself to "fall in"

Have you ever tried to enter the long black branches of other lives -- tried to imagine what the crisp fringes, full of honey, hanging from the branches of the young locust trees, in early morning, feel like?

Do you think this world was only an entertainment for you?

Never to enter the sea and notice how the water divides with perfect courtesy, to let you in!

Never to lie down on the grass, as though you were the grass!

Never to leap to the air as you open your wings over the dark acorn of your heart!

No wonder we hear, in your mournful voice, the complaint that something is missing from your life!

Who can open the door who does not reach for the latch?

Who can travel the miles who does not put one foot in front of the other, all attentive to what presents itself continually?

Who will behold the inner chamber who has not observed with admiration, even with rapture, the outer stone?

Well, there is time left --

fields everywhere invite you into them.

And who will care, who will chide you if you wander away from wherever you are, to look for your soul?

Quickly, then, get up, put on your coat, leave your desk!

To put one's foot into the door of the grass, which is the mystery, which is death as well as life, and not be afraid!

To set one's foot in the door of death, and be overcome with amazement!

To sit down in front of the weeds, and imagine god the ten-fingered, sailing out of his house of straw, nodding this way and that way, to the flowers of the present hour, to the song falling out of the mockingbird's pink mouth, to the tippets of the honeysuckle, that have opened

in the night

To sit down, like a weed among weeds, and rustle in the wind!

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?

While the soul, after all, is only a window,

and the opening of the window no more difficult than the wakening from a little sleep.

Only last week I went out among the thorns and said to the wild roses:

deny me not,

but suffer my devotion.

Then, all afternoon, I sat among them. Maybe

I even heard a curl or two of music, damp and rouge red, hurrying from their stubby buds, from their delicate watery bodies.

For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters, caution and prudence?

Fall in! Fall in!

A woman standing in the weeds.

A small boat flounders in the deep waves, and what's coming next is coming with its own heave and grace.

Meanwhile, once in a while, I have chanced, among the quick things, upon the immutable.

What more could one ask?

And I would touch the faces of the daises, and I would bow down to think about it.

That was then, which hasn't ended yet.

Now the sun begins to swing down. Under the peach-light, I cross the fields and the dunes, I follow the ocean's edge.

I climb, I backtrack.

I float.

I ramble my way home.

-Mary Oliver

So today I feel incredibly grateful that I continue to be alive, that my life is filled with so much juice.  I am grateful that so many people love me.  I am grateful to have a new roof over my head.  I am grateful to my mother who gave me life.  I am grateful for touch, for kisses, for orgasms, for financial abundance, for books, and art, and beauty, and nature, and…I could go on and on and on.  I will continue to allow myself to be ripped open by life, to be transformed by the wind as if I were an old tree on a blustery cliff near the sea, shaped so magnificently over time.

During this next journey around the sun I trust that my aliveness will flourish and become contagious.  I trust that I will also find balance with my work, that I allow the fantastic team of people around me to assist me, and that I am continuing to receive.  That is my biggest goal next year- to receive.  I realize that people who love me want to give to me, want to support me, want to help me find balance in my genius/chaos, and who am I to stop their flow?  I am making a commitment to myself to do some kind of self care everyday and to receive with my whole heart all that is being offered to me.

Thank you to everyone who has journeyed with me this past year.  May we all break free and allow ourselves to be ripped open by love, life, darkness and beauty.  My God, I am so fortunate.

I get contacted to so often by people who are interested in trying an open relationship or polyamory (many loves).  They want to know where to begin?  How to do it?  How to find others interested in their lifestyle etc? 

Today I had a lunch with a group of very conscious people who are currently practicing alternative relationship styles.  It was quite an amazing conversation, which I wish I had got on video camera to post to YOU TUBE.  At any rate, I realized that many people don't even know what true polyamory is, and that we first have to start with a really good container before we are able to spread our wings and fly free.

Here is my vision of POLYAMORY.  It begins with love.  After all it does mean many loves, not many sexual partners.  Not that I judge having many sexual partners, but having lots of sexual partners is not what I am interested in.  I am more interested in loving, open and sensual relationships that feed me and help me to grow.  And if I deeply love someone in that way I am 100% honest with that person.  I can't help but practice complete disclosure because I am so happy to share everything that I experience in my life.  There is no need to hide anything in my point of view.  I understand that most people are afraid of loosing their significant other if they tell them something that they believe may upset that partner, but ultimately, I find that speaking my truth allows energy that may poison a relationship to clear.  Polyamory for me also means clear agreements that are kept, unless both partner agree to change the agreement, or change the form of relationship.  An agreement may mean safe sex practices, or not having penetration intercourse with anyone.  I usually limit the number of big agreement to 3, just because it can get very complicated very quickly.

Polyamory is not an excuse to have sex with everyone who shows interest, it takes a lot of consciousness, communication and a whole lot of commitment to yourself and your partners.

My current polyamorous situation consists of two men who I enter into intercourse with and a few other men and women who are sensuality partners.  One of my main male partners is seeing a few other women who may become intercourse partners.  Yes, I do get triggered at times.  It is sometimes difficult to feel into my contraction.  But if he goes slow, keeps reassuring me about how much he loves me and I know that he really loves the person he is wanting to engage with everything becomes much easier. 

Keep an eye out for more information about my personal polyamorous adventures and breakthroughs.

Sensual Gifts

By Miss Jaiya

˜Tis the season for giving, and why not give a gift this year that can't be bought, why not give a gift that comes from your creativity, love and deep sensuality? And not having a significant other is not an excuse, because you can give this gift to yourself! The following are some ideas that can inspire you to shift your gift giving this holiday, to put a little spice in your life, and to reignite the fires of passion in the cold of winter.

This first Gift is one of creativity and can inspire your lover to return this creative endeavor with hordes of affection. You will need a journal, pen or colored pencils, and items such as pictures, e-mails or poetry that you have shared with your lover. Begin to fill the pages of the journal with the spirit of your relationship past, write about the first time that you saw your lover, how she smiled, or how he walked over to you, and write about how your relationship began all the way to the present moment. Next write about your current relationship in a romantic way, use poetry or a song, glue in pictures of the two of you together or better yet draw in pictures. And finally create a future in writing. Tell your lover your vision for your future, you can make this a steamy vision, maybe even how you envision your holiday night to go. Have fun with this, include e-mails you have written back and forth, pictures, favorite song lyrics, and poignant moments. It will most likely be the favorite gift that they receive.

Another great sensual gift is an erotic massage for your partner. Put on some really great music, not so relaxing that they fall asleep, but sensual and trancelike. To create even more ambiance, light candles and a fire if you have fireplace. You can use a mat, massage table, or bed, just make sure that both you and your partner are comfortable. You may also want to warm up the room. I recommend having the temperature set at around eighty degrees. Use sensual oil such as coconut oil and set aside time that you will be uninterrupted to gift your partner to a slow and sensual erotic massage experience. After at least a half hour to an hour of massage see if you partner would like to make love, but do not pressure them, allow the massage to be the gift, without the expectation of sex in return.

Some other ideas include sensual feasts, role play, visiting a sex toy store, a commitment proposal or taking a romantic stroll on the beach. Sensual gift giving can be limitless and it doesn't just have to be during the holiday season. With a little creativity and sexual energy you can inspire romance, love and sex wrapped up with a neat little bow.