http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1diDZ76wdpA

Hmm... life in general has its ups and downs, this is normal. When life presents me with too many ups, it is only instinct to think that a copious amounts of downs are in order.

I feel like im stuck in the copious amounts of downs part. I am remaining optimistic, but am stuck in this whole realist ideal that I somehow picked up.

I think universally, rather then independently. I view the world and everyone I meet as an ability to learn from, not to change or control. These people are here for me to meet, rather then I am here to meet these people. It's an odd concept, and some people say it sounds like I believe in destiny, I, however think it's far from that.

Classes are going fine, I have a much better feeling going into my second quarter then I did going into my first. I'm working on video projects that I'll eventually show to everyone. Eventually.

Living down in Seattle has it's perks... Im trying my best to let all of it in, and saying 'yes' to just about anything that'll get me out of my dorm which is now only occupied by myself.

Relationships? Not so much there... I thought i'd end up in one by the end of the year, I havent been in one since july... so, this is the longest i've been without one since I started. Go-Figure. It's nice being single, but time moves so quickly here that it seems like a lot of people dont seem to have time for a significant other, and this is a little offsetting.

Sex Life? Pretty much non existant... since early december....

I keep loosing weight... and I keep reminding myself to eat more... I havent weighed this much since middle school. Nor have I fit into anything under a 32 inch waist. I've lost 50 pounds since October... in a nutshell: What the Fuck.

Well...

...If you're passing through the Seattle area... EVER... give me a call. I'ts always good to see some familiar faces.

Jon was a simple boy. He always got into simple situations and had simple problems to deal with.

Mary on the other hand... was a Bitch. Mary would tease Jon, call him names, and steal whatever ego he managed to muster.

Mary was a cunt.

In fact such a cunt that in some distant galaxy they were holding the "Cunt of the Year" (or C.o.t.Y.) awards, and Mary beat out those bitches from the Crab Nebula.

Mary, however, never found out about this. And By all means, that is a different story.

Jon had two friends, who unlike him were not simple in nature. Like Jon and Mary, they were endowed with names given to them by their mother, the only difference was that Mary's mother was a drunk.

Alison was an open minded girl. She enjoyed the likes of finger painting and wearing clever outfits. And though she shared a ride on the female gender train with Mary, Mary was forced to sit in the section labeled "Cunt", with her other equally bitchy friends who listened to shitty music and didn't shower.

Alison's parents were those people you see waving signs over freeway bridges... usually protesting some unjust action in some nation riddled with poverty.

Greg was the other friend of Jon's. Greg lived in a house that looked and smelled like Jon's Grandmother's. Because of this, Jon didn't come over much.

Greg was a poet. His tongue was a black sharpie, his canvas, bathroom walls. Greg would go into the third stall from the left and scribble away with Artless Rhymes and Jumbled Lyrics. Greg would scribble away about a great many things, leaving no space for a person to pen in a question or comment.

Most of all Greg would Write about Alison.

You see, Greg Fancied Alison.

Alison fancied Jon.

Jon fancied simplicity.

Mary fancied Being a complete and utter Bitch.

And Nobody fancied Greg, Mostly Because, well, to be frank, Greg Was Ugly.

I dont know why I feel like this sometimes...

I AM finally getting away from it all... Soon (too soon it feels like) fuck, ill just leave... and not have to talk to anyone... not have to be there for anything or anyone...

anyone here...

Just being uprooted and replanted... sounds more satisfying then letting life's roots dig any deeper. I think thats how im going to be... I mean look at my past and "POW!" that analogy sticks.

Oh well. No Sense in throwing a pity party for one.
Because thats how things are ending up... I feel like I cant rely on anyone anymore... because I know damn well people have stopped relying on me.

Well Fuck it.

These past weeks has been a mixture of utter shittiness... with (thankfully) a little bit of bliss, like croutons, on a salid of shit.

Dont we all love croutons though? even if we hate salid... We pick off the croutons first. (Optimisum?)

No one wants to turn into a pessimistic pete.

But one can only be an optimistic oliver for so long.

*sigh*

Too much in fact, I overthink everything, and that overthinking usually leads me nowhere or in the opposite direction then I wanted to go.

Overthinking is my weak point. I even do it on simple things like "What am I going to do today?" I run that question through my head about 1000 times between my house and the end of my street.

I want to be spontaneous, maybe one day  I'll just leave for a week...

I've kinda figured out the way I work... on the overthinking issue... either I overthink things... and nothing gets done... OR I completely pull an impulsive move and from there its a coin toss... I like the risk.... that cant be healthy.

Then it hits me... I hate doing shit alone. Is that bad? I'm independent in my own right... it's just that.. I mean who wants to go see a movie/go to the mall/piddlepiss around alone? I dont think anyone.

Hell, when someone says they'll be off work at 2:30... I leave the house as early as I can... (11-12) and fiddlefuck around until it happens...

Maybe I just hate being at home...

That makes sense, I usually tell them im going into town... but just find things to do and people to hang out with... and then call around 5-ish and ask to spend the night at a friend's house... go to a different friends house... usually get trashed... sleep on a floor, wake up, go home, take a shower... 

rinse and repeat repeat repeat...

Sometimes I end up hitting a motorcyclist...

I remember one time I just drove around the island... for about 3 hours.. waiting for a phone call... LAME

I also feel awkward in situations that aren't awkward to say the least... about the most random things... I get embarrassed easily...

Maybe im OCD, or have ADD/ADHD/CNN/NBC or any of those other things that the 99.9% of the nation say they have...

Well, I know I have restless leg syndrome... I mean seriously... what the fuck..

Cool ocean air

Music (alt) softly plays

Close up of burning cigarette

Alec: (na) It's 4 am…

Pan up from the beach, Alec's silhouetted against the coming sunrise. A few other people are sleeping in the foreground.

Alec: (na) What the fuck am I doing here.

Close up of Alec smoking

Alec: (na) A pleasant face. It's your secret I keep, a softly spoken lie that in one instant held more truth then the world holds me. Because all in all the sun will rise and you can count on 99 fucking red balloons to go by.

Another person gets up and moves into the silhouette, she holds him.

Alec: (na) This story, unlike most... didnt start with a girl

Cut to black

Earlier

pan down to the coffee shop

Music changes (alt)

Alec walks into it.

Follow Alec through the shop

Meg: Alec Voorhees, what shall it be today?

Alec: Surprise me Meg.

Alec (na) If you don't know the horse girl, you ARE the horse girl… this was Meg's weak point.

Meg: Gotcha.

Alec goes into the bathroom

Alec: (os) Wheres the dickface?

Meg: (os) He should be here, my shift started a few minutes ago.

splashes his face with water

Walks out back

grabs a can of spraypaint and a stencil

Alec: (na) Murderers have bullets, Musicians have Mics, I have rattlecans.

Sprays

Slaps

Alec: (na) Its been a long time since I've lived, and the static in my mind leaves me empty.

Close up of the sticker

Title Card:

Memories Blue

Alec walks back into the shop

Tony's walking in on his phone

Tony: (on Phone) … yes yes… the beach..

Alec: Hey dickface!

Tony continues talking

Tony: (on Phone) … where was it again?

Alec: Cockfuck!

Tony: (on Phone) … one sec..

Tony looks at him gives him the finger

continues talking

Tony: (on Phone) … yeah hes coming… all right..

Alec: You pirate hooker…

Tony: (on Phone) … be there at 9

hangs up

Tony: Hey Twatson.

High five

Cut to Tony's car flying by

Music blaring

Alec: (na) Tony was that kid that you would expect to never answer his phone, but you could always rely on to take you from point a to point b…. in life… his driving's shitty.

Close up of Alec's hand on the oh shit handle

and coffee in the other hand

70's/80's  punk plays in the car

Alec: …hows whats her face?

Tony looks at him

Tony: The bitch?

Alec: (na) this explained everything in a matter of two words.

Alec: Wheres she live anyway?

Tony: The bitch?

Shot of Alec

Alec: No the Other bitch.

Cut to pulling up at Michelle's house

Its in the evening

Shot of them walking in

shot of them walking out with michelle

Michelle: Can we make a quick stop?

Tony: yeah, where?

Michelle: Planned parenthood

Alec: (na) This is Michelle… that's all I can say

back in tony's car

Michelle's in the back

she pops a pill and drinks some water

Alec is smoking

Michelle: Can I bum one off of you?

Alec: Sure

throws her the pack

Michelle: Thanks… youre names Alec… right?

reverse shot of the car on the freeway

Cut to dennys

Pan down from sky to them walking in

Its late

Theyre all sitting at a table

Tony's on the phone

Tony: (op) Clayton, you get your ass down here…

Michelle's talking to Alec

Michelle: No fucking way, YOU were at Dan's party?

Tony: (op) …get your friend… what's his fuck…Robbie, to come too…

Alec: Yeah I was there.

flashback

In Dan's backyard

partygoers in the foreground

spotlight on Alec

Alec's in the background

Partygoer 1: Did you hear the cops got called twice?

Partygoer 2: Shit man…

Alec: COPS?!

Runs like 3 steps like a chicken with its head cut off

Trips out of frame

Flash to him sitting on a couch

Alec: Life… is like one giant aquarium man…

Flash to him at a table

Alec: Draw off… you and me.

Alec draws the person across the table

the person grabs the tablet and starts drawing

hands it back to Alec, its him with a penis for a head

Partygoer 3: (os) There you go, you dickhead. Have a nice one.

Flash back to Denny's

Alec: Yeah, I don't remember seeing you.

Another 3 pages... and I edited the 1st two...

Tell me what you think~

Fade into a beach of cool ocean air

Close up of burning cigarette

'never knows best' is written on it

Alec: (na) It's 4 am…

Pan up from the beach, Alec's silhouetted against the coming sunrise. A few other people are sleeping in the foreground.

Alec: (na) What the fuck am I doing here.

Close up of Alec smoking

Alec: (na) A pleasant face. It's your secret I keep, a softly spoken lie that in one instant held more truth then the world holds me. Because all in all the sun will rise and you can count on 99 fucking red balloons to go by.

Another person gets up and moves into the silhouette, she holds him.

Alec: (na) This story, as with most, started with a girl.

Cut to black

Earlier

pan down to the coffee shop

Alec walks into it.

Follow Alec through the shop

Meg: Alec Voorhees, what shall it be today?

Alec: Surprise me Meg.

Alec (na) If you don't know the horse girl, you ARE the horse girl… this was Meg's weak point.

Meg: Gotcha.

Alec goes into the bathroom

Alec: (os) Wheres the dickface?

Meg: (os) He should be here, my shift started a few minutes ago.

splashes his face with water

Walks out back

grabs a can of spraypaint and a stencil

Alec: (na) Murderers have bullets, Musicians have Mics, I have rattlecans.

Sprays

Slaps

Alec: (na) Its been a long time since I've lived, and the static in my mind leaves me empty.

Close up of the sticker

Title Card:

Memories Blue

Alec walks back into the shop

Tony's walking in on his phone

Tony: (on Phone) … yes yes… the beach..

Alec: Hey dickface!

Tony continues talking

Tony: (on Phone) … where was it again?

Alec: Cockfuck!

Tony: (on Phone) … one sec..

Tony looks at him gives him the finger

continues talking

Tony: (on Phone) … yeah hes coming… all right..

Alec: You pirate hooker…

Tony: (on Phone) … be there at 9

hangs up

Tony: Hey Twatson.

High five

Cut to Tony's car flying by

Music blaring

Alec: (na) Tony was that kid that you would expect to never answer his phone, but you could always rely on to take you from point a to point b…. in life… his driving's shitty.

Close up of Alec's hand on the oh shit handle

and coffee in the other hand

I Shat this out in like an hour... I like it I plan for it to be a 10-15 page script and therefore a 20 minute movie tops.... anyone want to be in it?

In about an hour... 30 or so people have read it... seriously.. comments are appreciated...

    It's 1 am.

    A cold bead of sweat runs down my cheek like a racehorse let out of the gate. I'm sideways. Literally sideways, no metaphors here. A shock to my leg. I dig my hands into my pockets.

    "How's (Insert Name Here)'s house?", I read.

Fine

I type back.

    I look at the name, like it matters, they are all the same. That's when I flip a coin, if its someone I know, I continue the conversation. If It's someone I care about, I don't. No need to.

Guilt. Green.

Little Secrets. Orange.

White Lies. Purple.

    Surging through my brain at one-thousand miles per hour. A heaven hammer slamming down upon the ground of which I lay. Density.

    "What are you up to?"

the norm

    The Norm as it's called is a far cry from everything here.

It's 1:30... I think.

I'm Wrong.

    I sit up. A pleasant face. It's your secret I keep, a softly spoken lie that in one instant held more truth then the world holds me. Because all in all the sun will rise and you can count on 99 fucking red balloons to go by.

    Not a penny less.

I look at my phone again. I know your secret.

    "Can I tell you something?"

Tell me something I don't know.
    
    Sure.

I count the time to keep me sane. Or to keep time from doing the same.

"I Like You."

"I just wish... never mind."

    Its like when gravity takes over your life and everything goes into a freefall from 30'000 feet. Dead Melodies tear through the air like shrapnel.

    Captain we have just lost cabin pressure. Oxygen will flow from the masks, even if the bags don't look like they are inflated. Please refrain from leaving your seat. In case of water landing your seat can be used as a flotation device.

    It's the dawn of July. Almost one year prior.

"What are you packing?"

It's going to rain right?

    D-Terminal.

Were quite a crew.

Awkward girl with Colorful girl. Strange boy and the best friends and the new kid taking the rear with the king and queen.

Our Flight Leaves in 40 minutes.

    "Eric Goldhammer. I'm hungry"

I snap my head around to see a petite spectacled girl, of my age. Angel kisses line her face.

    "I gotta get my burgers on."

    Colorful Girl looks at me.

"That's the other school"

San Francisco International Airport. My first time in the City of Brotherly Love.

    Gate 41.

On the Plane I sit between Strange Boy and Awkward Girl. I tell my story. The Truth for once.

How I almost fucked up my life in the summer of my sophomore year and the months that followed.

In the years that followed, Why I'm afraid of my sexuality. Who I am. What I did. Who I did it with. I name names, something you're never supposed to do.

I unmask myself in front of complete strangers and take a bow.

    4 Hours Until Osaka.

I wake up from a non-existent sleep. And move to the back of the Plane.

    My name's Ryan. Im part of the Stanwood Crew.

The Ginger Boy is the first to speak.

"Im Jordan. Those two back there are Matt and Quint."

    Quint looked like a Black Broseph Jarber. .

"Then there's Lindsey…"

    Angel kisses. With her Boba Fett Shirt.

"And Jessica"

Who had a Moustache.

Girls Shouldn't Have moustaches…

    There were others. Mostly that same group of kids you find on any trip that involves a few thousand dollars and a year in a language that they either passed with an A or a D.

    Drinking on a Hotel Roof, Dancing the night away in a empty hallway.

Getting lost in a Labyrinth of capitalism and unity, getting Found in a Backstreet Arcade.

    Lighting fireworks on the 2nd of July. Eating Curry under a Moonlit City.

The Underground.

    Kissing the wrong Girl. At the wrong time in your life.

A life with no regrets wields a life with lost promises.

    Kissing in the Rain, the Thunder, a typhoon for Christ's sake.

Whats this Place?

"It's Hiro's… uhh... Hide-out."

Motorcycle gangs and dancing wherever I went to the rhythm of my heartstrings and the beat of the June air.

    Letting a tear slip out at a broken symbol. Letting two slip out at a fixed one.

Its been a long time since I've lived, and the static in my mind leaves me empty.

    Now it's a few months ago.

"So, (Insert name here) and I Just Had Sex."

You cant just spring that on me.

    I put down my burrito, to be honest, it was my first one in a while.

"Don't tell him, can you keep it a secret?"

sure

    He comes over.

"Looks like Starbucks became a Pig Pen"

    He puts down a few tacos and some change.

"You Coming over tonight?"

Where're you going?

"Bothell, to meet up with (Insert name here)"

You?

"Home. I got work tomorrow."

    I have a choice on my hands now, live dangerously or stay in the green zone.

    All things stay the same. So I try again.

    Green Zone.

I loath the words: Can you keep a secret.

    Its not my inability to keep a secret, or the fact that I've had people not keep ones I've told them…

    It just makes it feel like I'm the one responsible for the outcome.

Buzzing.

    "I miss you."

I do too.
And I mean it.

2 AM.
Tipsy on Red wine and Threaded Memories. Feelings. Waves. Colors. Dreams.
I Get in the Car Carrying with me Insomnia, breathing down my neck.
Down My neck, Down my.. So this is what its Like?
I have my chances and they have me.
A Concert, An Unspoken Kiss. All on my Mind. In my Mind?
Like an Expressway.
Im a Ballad MAAAAAAAN.

"5-0 on your 4 o'Clock"
"How the Fuck did you see that?"
"Im your Navigator."

My Bags are Packed, My nerves unwound/bound/sound/profound.

"We'll all be the same in the end."
"Thats why the good lord invented the underside of the table"

Thoughts in the head, Words on the Page, Memories in the Open.

3AM
Sirensilence. Goodmorning.

I went back and read a lot of comments I left on a lot of people's myspaces...
How much I've changed since last year is remarkable, in my opinion.

But its weird... I see myself telling people things that i dont remember telling them... but in a way, while reading this it felt like I was trying to reach out to me as well.

I dont know, for the first time in a while i've actually felt content. Its a good sign.

A really good sign, in fact.

"You are an amazing person, don't let anyone ever rain on your parade."

"Love what you have done!!! keep it up!"

"God I wish I had a rocket launcher.. dont you?"

Im sort of loving life right now.