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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)
.........nothingness.....
The jury is still out if the last blog was about procrastination or heroin
Previous blogs

projects going well eh?......
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So your articles suck. There are other ways of making money with your writing.
Your problem is the audience...your sending your writing to people that KNOW you suck.
So just change your audience, and change your luck with the checks.

Some of those expert-less markets are right in your.....markets!
Food products compete against each other almost as much as writers do. (The only difference is that most of the food products are good.) So in an attempt to persuade to buy them over another they give certain guarantees. One of them you should look out for is "your money back if not satisfied" GUARANTEED.

Write em up a letter, on how disappointed you were in the product, and that they should put their money where their mouth is. GIVE ME GIVE ME!!! And most will if you write a compelling enough letter...which shouldn't be a problem for a writer like yourself.

BEWARE THOUGH...some of those "GUARANTEES" are bullshit. They might only be stating an opinion, and have no intention of giving back your money. Always read the full "Guarantee" statement, for the refund talk. It should ask you to send in your receipt, and the Proof of Purchase.
Also BEWARE, that they may ask you to send back half to more than half of the contents BACK! so avoid potato chips. If you need to send ANY of the product back then it's not really a profit. My suggestion--LOOK IN THE FROZEN FOOD SECTION---

HINT: Egg rolls Egg rolls Egg rolls.

AND CLAM UP ALL YOU NAY Sayers!

It's not stealing, It's your money rightfully. Your just getting a freebie for your writing. It's like reading your work in the streets , and people tossing an egg roll in your hat. BESIDES it's a one time freebie per brand....so it doesn't even dent the economy. Hell it might even make new fans with this PROMOTION.

Go wild everyone....and never be ashamed to hold up a sign that reads...

"WILL WRITE FOR FOOD"

--betbar

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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)
So you decided to con the con man...but your totally out of your element. Don't let intimidation intimidate you out of a paycheck. BetBar broke down how to break down your prey. Strike where they are the weakest.


Previous blogs

AND NOW FOR............
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............NOTHINGNESS............

You might not believe this, but all the Pulitzer Prize winning articles came out of nothingness. A trance the writer goes into where they wallow in haziness and swat into the air until their vision becomes clear. Long before they take pen to paper or dirty finger to sticky keyboard; the writers' stare is glassy, and their mouth is open. "I think I'm getting something." they could be compelled to tell as they wipe the dripping saliva.

This is the grisly birth of a two headed demon you call a submission. Everyone must visit the ground level of nothingness. You can stay in the trance as long as you'd like, but at some point you have to leave.

That's where I've been for the last two weeks, drinking in the vibes of nothingness. There's a lot of things to see in the murky water, but I haven't pulled anything out, to wrap in the newspapers. That's always the problem. You get addicted to the good feelings of nothingness. You could see anything in the haze, maybe everything. Yet there is very little interest, after a while, to grab on to something and pull it out to be inked and pulp-ed. You can't believe you actually met, and interacted with the YETI. "If I brought this to everyone, all the money I could make. "

But you sit back, and have a couple of drinks to come you down from the YETIs' bag.

Then there's the day job, or what some might call "the real world." All the life we spend on meaningless tasks, to make enough to eat. It's enough to make you bleed out from all your pores, and orifices.

I admit I understand how completely meaningless it is for someone to make a living through their writings; yet it's the meaningless bullshit that you add meaning to. There is no meaning to life, but to be happy at least some fraction of the time you must making a meaning up, and try to pursue it.

"The pursuit of happiness" is what Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Deceleration of Independence which made him one of America's Writer-demigods. What a shame it is that he partly stole the writing that made him immortal in history.

Nothing has been done towards the articles completion. NOTHINGNESS is a fun place to be, but you need to get out before you get all wrinkly.

--BETBAR

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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)

BetBar blasted magazine publishers for faking interest in their magazines subject for profit. He suggested writers should take that same stance of false enthusiasm while approaching markets outside their expertise. "Your writing a piece to entertain some fan-boy, not to testifying in court" BetBar is taking that mentality while writing for a randomly chosen market: AUTOGRAPH COLLECTOR magazine.
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I first went to the AUTOGRAPH COLLECTOR site and became a little intimidated. They had glossy covers,with famous people on it; signed especially for the company. (Madonna had signed and drew a handlebar stash on her cover issue.) Back issues for sale. A moderate list of editors, and a separate adverting department. A real production in other word. I'm used to dealing with loners that start magazines to have a place to publish their own brand of product. Crudely drawn covers, and one name as the editor, art director, and advertisement associate.

The sample articles for the month were a varied mix of history pieces and interviews that were diverse except for one thing; the writer. Some prick had gotten good with the editor. He's 'freelance' as his two line bio indicates, and he hasn't graduated either. Major accomplishments to be admired. One must study his fellow free lancer to cut and gut anything they can steal about their process. There are other writers previewed on the site, this one is the most interesting. The others are autograph dealers, editors of autograph magazines, and graduates with over 500 articles the bios say with modesty. Yet our prey has nothing under his belt. Which makes him the most fascinating for those of us looking to break in.

His articles are on a historical civil war sketch book from a soldier. (I have no idea what this has to do with autographs aside that it was drawn by hand by a single artist with the implications that it's signed.) The second was an interview with a famous sports-caster and his wealthy and rare collections.(he seems not to have any shame and asks all this subjects to sign something for him.) Both articles have detailed pictures that are credited to the writer. Close and tight photos of the historic relics, and intimate shots inside the old man's mansion.

This Tells us one thing: he has access to his subjects. Which is most certainly what he exploited to get past the editor gatekeepers. One look at their site, and their previous front pages that are accessible through links shows a magazine devoted to celebrities. It's just another tabloid, but instead of being interested in the celebs outfit, it's their chicken scratch.

Now it starts to get creepy. These are star-fuckers, but they only want a scribble on a piece of paper, a ball, a helmet, a book.

The zine is actually a little bit of a heavier load than a tabloid. Tabloids can just snap a photo, regardless if the tart wants you to. Getting a signature involves a little more tact. A bit of strategy, that hasn't been saturated, and that some star-fart hasn't gotten tired of extending. welcoming hand.

That's where you strike. You find the basic need of the magazine. The reason the mag sells, hinted in it's cover, but not overtly stated.

Autograph collectors- readers need to know how to get autographs - so they can sell it or keep it for profit.
The writer magazine- readers need to know how to get published- so they can get published and make money.

Guitar magazine- readers need to know how to play better- so they can become big rock stars , get trim, and sign some autographs.

Apply that for every magazine. That's how to crack this nut, and all the rest.

There's no money in intimidation....unless your an ethnic stereotype.

-_Betbar

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LAST TIME ON THE DRUNKEN UNSUCCESFUL FREELANCE WRITERS' BLOG:
(Since most of you are accidental readers than regulars)
Bet-Bar decided that with all the clout he has in the publishing industry, that he would single-handedly create a new holiday for writers. To celebrate he created "A FOOLS PROJECT" where he would illustrate the process of freelance writing. He randomly picked a magazine from the 2007 writers market and the lucky pick was: AUTOGRAPH COLLECTOR (page 517-518).
And now todays rant.
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FUCKING AUTOGRAPH COLLECTOR!!!!
There's a magazine for this shit? I guess there's money to be had anywhere. Really I can't imagine what kind of ads that magazine might sell. I guess I'll do some research. Advertisement: not only the blood and guts, but the whole reason a magazine exists in the first place.

I'm sure none of you fall for that bullshit that they print it for the 'love' of it-the 'it' is advertisement money. The subject is sh 'it', and truly doesn't matter. Anything that can be exploited has a few magazines devoted to it. "BULL_SHIT" the magazine for collectors of Bulls' shit would be a reality if the aficionados wouldn't be embarrassed to buy a copy at the store or receive them over the mail. Like any other magazine BULL_SHIT or B.S.M.A.G. would be filled with the ad-goodness. Bullshit collectors T-shirts, special bullshit collecting equipment, books on bullshit collecting, services that will collect the bullshit for you, and of course collectors bullshit from around the world.

Magazines aren't about how many subscribers they can con . Magazines are about how many advertisers they can con into shelling out. YOU,the audience, are only a small factor in the con-the-advertiser-equation.
There is:
YOU + THE STAFF'S PAYCHECK + PRINTING COSTS + THE COMPANYS REAL ESTATE + SELF PROMOTION + LEGAL FEES (possible slander & contracts to rip off the writer) - Then Subtract that from - THE AD REVENUE =equals = THE PROFIT.

Simplistic yes, but it shows how you are really just a small portion in the day to day business of running a magazine. So don't think your a winner because they need you to bring in the ads. There are plenty of other things they can cut or tweak in order maximize profits before they ever think of improving the magazine for your "enjoyment." When they do change for that reason that should be an indication that they are desperate.

Still I won't try to deny that they need readers. However, that is why those soul-less-money-grubbing-don't -give-a-shit-about-the-subject-publishers(and god bless them) hire writers that do give a shit about the subject. They need the writer to write the language of the readers to reassure them that they are among friends.

Here is the point to all this "shit." (Todays secret word) You the writer, don't have to give a shit either! I am not one of these people that subscribe to the notion "write what you know." Of course that helps, but your a writer, and you need to write for money- don't be confined to what your an expert at. Trust me, your NOT! Your supposed to be a 'PRO'FESSIONAL. Write what your intended audience wants to read. Something new and fresh about whatever bullshit they are into. If your a half-decent writer, and you do a little research, they won't be able to tell the difference. Just don't try to bite off more than you...well you know the end to that cliche'.

There is nothing wrong with false enthusiasm. Your writing a piece to entertain some fan-boy, not to testifying in court. The magazines make a killing on this principle- YOU SHOULD TOO!
So I'm totally going to take on this AUTOGRAPH COLLECTOR challenge even though I've really never had an interest for people to scribble their names on my junk. The only two autographs I have are one: from the very hot liberal columnist for the NYtimes Maureen Dowd. The other was from Robert Hick. I was waiting in line to speak to him about the reading I had just sit through, and he took my book out of my hands and signed it.


Well the last grey hound race just finished-(yes I'm writing this on a racing form- on the white space of the previous days result.) They are turning off the lights, and the last of the old men, and degenerates are clearing out as they run us off. Bye for now, like Eric the midget would say.

---betbar

It's April fools day -so let us writers rejoice. Lets celebrate the fool in all of us that chase a career in writing despite the mountains of better judgment. There is an overwhelming amount of reasons why such a career is dead from birth, yet something inside us all tells us different; regardless of the lack of evidence. Some people might call that the "writer's soul" I'd call those people "retards." What it really comes down to is a driving force that keeps us going; stupidity. We are too stupid to realize why we ultimately can't reach the goals. A fools devotion can be beautiful sometimes. Let us celebrate it on April fools day. We should take this up as an annual writers holiday on par with the holy NANOWRIMO.

As my offering to the holiday I will now begin something rather strange for this blog; posting my work.
I usually try to just share the experience of an unsuccessful writer. My written works on this blog have really just included the always entertaining "letters to a hooker." The reason I don't show you the goods is because ...YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T PAY ME!

And BELIEVE it or not, some magazines consider stuff posted on the Internet as a "published" work which conflicts with their first rights buying. It's just not good business to put your best stuff up for free. Some might argue that a blog is a great source of advertising, and possibly breaking in. However, when your a starving writer it doesn't make sense to use your money(articles) to pay for advertisement. If you honestly think 'advertisement works' then take out cyber equivalent of a couple of lines in the classifieds with one or two rough gems. Keep the real shinny stuff for your portfolio and bank account.

Still for the sake of Writers' April Fools I'm going to illustrate the process of the Freelance writer.

I'm going to pick a market/publication at random from the 2007 writer's market. Then illustrate the process on this blog. This will be known as "THE FOOLS' PROJECT" and will be a supplement to the regular posts. Hopefully it will give the uninitiated a taste of the life. We'll monitor the research , 1st draft, and numerous re-writes (if any) along it's process to completion. If there is any procrastination-THAT will be observed. When it's sent- how it's sent, and any and all rejection letters that might be generated.

Don't worry all you ACCIDENTAL AND NON-COMMENTING READERS!- there will still be plenty of hooker, gambling, and drinking talk. As after all, the failed freelance writer's life has more to it than just writing. (which is probably why it's failed.)

With out further Bullshit- the first installment of

A FOOLS' PROJECT: I picked up the 2007 Writer's Market book and began flipping through the pages. I made sure to pick a stop in the middle section since that is where all the magazine listings are. Once I picked a page, with my eyes closed I ran my finger up and down (oooh this is getting good) the page and finally settled on....THE NEW YORKER!!!! (page 497) OH COME ON!!!!!!!! EVEN ALL THE TALK OF BEING A POSITIVE FOOL CAN'T BREAK THE BARRIERS OF THE NEW YORKER........... THAT'S CRAZY?????

ANOTHER SELECTION..........ONE WITH A CHANCE IN HELL OF BEING TAKEN SERIOUSLY............no matter what it is, or how under qualified I am. I mean SHIT!!! THE NEW FUCKING YORKER!!

Okay the next selection ....IS....fuck

AUTOGRAPH COLLECTOR (page 517-518)
Monthly magazine covering the autograph collecting hobby. "The focus of Autograph Collector is on documents, photographs, or any collectible item that has been signed by a famous person" say the editors in TWM. They want a query first, and pay 50 bucks determined by a case by case basis.

50 fucks!
80% freelance written.

Alright boys , and girls...(and all you accidental readers that don't comment.)....there we have it the first step in A FOOLS' PROJECT. We'll see this till the end.

--bet bar

What a long ass vacation. If the free lancer isn't carful, their vacation can go on forever; missing out on clips, and money. Mine seems to have, as another unproductive month comes to an end. Wasn't I bitching about that last month?

Well don't worry about a repeat, one I'm not going to do it, and TWO your not a regular reader but accidental so it's not like you'd remember anyway.

I need to go to a clinic after my Vegas trip. The first day I wrote a little about my room, and how it was seedy(sheets and wall) and next to a giant neon sign. The good stuff, then I went on a degenerate gambling binge where I lost hundreds of dollars in mere hours. FUCK THE FUCKING BOSTON CELTICS.

Anyway the only other writing I did was a note. "If I don't check out by Saturday 24, then this woman killed me. " Then the rest of it was emails, phone numbers, and a web site address to this escort I was going to meet way way off the strip. I left that note sticking out of a bible, on the bed.

So in a way my writing resulted in my getting some.......no money though or clips. Crabs on the other hand????

Next month will be better, I have some MSS I've been researching, and am In the process of finishing. In addition I'm going to start once again on a novel which it's MSS I need to hand in by the end of the year. This is another pit-fall that always hinders the novice freelance writer. Because with a novel your writing for free, and in giant chucks of time that could be spent on profitable articles. Plus there is very little chance of compensation. Just ask all the would be great American novelists. If one works on small articles then you'll have plenty of chances to profit off these works which took significantly less time. Even if their all crap, writers still find a way to cash in.
There is a book out called "STORIES FROM A MORON: Real stories Rejected by Real Magazines"
Here was a freelance writer that couldn't get a single story published, then got his whole lot published because of their un publishable nature, along with the rejection letters. One can always salvage articles by just re-imagining their purpose and audience. It is almost impossible to do that with a novel. So the free lancer must take that into consideration when trying to tackle that abyss.

Though another month has passed in complete failure, one must keep going. I for one am going places; like the clinic to run some tests. Just because I made it out of her house doesn't mean she hasn't killed me.

__bet bar

Most of the times we write query letters in the hopes of making money.....but there are also some query letters that COST YOU MONEY.

I'm going to Vegas next week, and so I need to make sure I have a "date" for an hour or two ;)
These days they all have email, along with their online ads. Still search engines can place the wrong "date" in the wrong area so it's always a good idea to make sure everything will be set up for that sad sad sad sad call.

WHAT CAN BE SADDER?

If you call......and can't get a whore to TAKE your money.........that's when you've really hit rock bottom.

So a little email isn't a bad Idea.....as you can see there is very little variation....This can also apply to freelance writing ---sending a reminder letter can help you remind editors about your submission.

this is what I'm working on at the moment.

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Hello there,
I was writing about your ad on fi******.com, and I was hoping to set up a meeting next week in Las Vegas. So I was wondering if you were available in that area...current rate, and do you have a phone number that doesn't start with an 866?

hope to see you

Hello there,
I was writing about your ad on f******.com, and I was hoping to set up a meeting next week in Las Vegas. I was wondering if you were available in that area...current rate, and is your phone still (650)***-****?

hope to see you


Hello there, I was writing about your ad on******.com, and I was hoping to set up a meeting next week in Las Vegas. I was wondering your current rate if different, and if your phone still 702-***-****

hope to see you


Hello there,
I was writing about your ad on ******.com, and I was hoping to set up a meeting next week in Las Vegas. So I was wondering if you were available in that area...current rate, and if your phone still 213 ***-***
hope to see you

Hello there,


I was writing about your ad on finda***.com, and I'm hoping to set up a meeting next week in Las Vegas. I was wondering your current rate -if different(a twofer), and if your phone is still 702-***-***

hope to see you
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okay...time to wrap up.....that's a little pun for all of you accidental readers.

--betbar

The freelance writer is a constant gambler; always taking risks in games of chance. Perhaps that's what attracted a drunken gambler like myself to chase such a profession. A profession where it doesn't matter the amount of production and productivity; the reward is based on a roll of a die. Will the editor like it? Come ON SEVEN!

Obviously the more rolls the better the odds. Plus you can always make smarter bets by focusing on specific markets.

Yes it is a little heavy handed to keep using the gambling metaphor-but it is exactly what the freelance writers life is made of.

If a writer chooses to write full time she is risking an empty bank account. Not to mention a lack of health care insurance. If she takes a "day job" she is risking hours she has to dedicate to her craft.

Regardless the path taken , when a free lancer leaves his work desk to do an unlimited number of other things- he's risking not finishing the piece on time-if ever.

FORMULA ALERT:

BY WRITING -the free lancer risks gambling away-OBTAINING A GOOD LIFE.(money/health care)

BY OBTAINING A GOOD LIFE(money/health care) -the free lancer risks gambling away- WRITING.

Then it's off to the dog track to mail away your submission to dog # 6 -fast foot editor.

****GOODTIME PROCRASTINATION ALERT: *****

On a similar note -I'VE MAXED OUT MY CREDIT CARDS and I'm going to VEGAS for a week.

I'm going to gamble my time, and remaining cash advances, like a good little freelance writer.
I plan on doing some writing on this excursion, but then again I also planned to be successful as a writer.

Instead I just woke up at 11:48pm after a day of sleeping. My hair is a mess, I'm all sweaty and unshaved. And my clothing is a pair of boxes with more than the usual holes, and a dirty white shirt I got for free to promote the new Beetle with what looks to be dried ketchup streaking down it.

YOU GOTTA FUCKING LOVE THIS LIFE.

--betbar

There are many sources to find markets, we all know this. So find one! Find something you can say "oh, I can write that!"

I've found many of these in my negative number freelance career. Some were tailor made for me. Still it is wise to do a little research on the publication. Alot of the times, in fact I'll say all of the times, your really writing for the editor not the reader. You need to convince them to pay you:

"Here is why people will be attracted to this---Here is why that attraction will in turn attract advertisers to sell to those readers---which will inturn bring you money----which you should give me a very small share of!!"

So after this initial step of research....waste alot of time on myspace making your own south park cartoon.















Then wake up a year later, and realize you still havn't sent in the fruits of your slam dunk research.

Drink up!

---betbar

Shameful promotion for promotionless:

Here is a blog group that freelancers can join up to share their (mis)fourtune in the the writing for money whoring:

Group Name: FREELANCE WRITERS(don't quit your day job) Founded on : 02/15/2007
Group Category: Arts & Humanities

Networking is a great way to open up new opportunity for the freelance writer. When you apply for a job, don't be afraid to drop your new connections' name.

It doesn't matter if the connection doesn't even know you. OR if the networking didn't involve you ; but you over heard a conversation between writers at a bar. I was sitting next to them, and they must have seen me scribbling down on a receipt the information the writer from a local freebie was relaying about which editor to contact. So in a way , I was involved in that network session. TAKE EVERY OPPORTUNITY....even if it's not yours.
--Betbar

well February is gone, and so is my soberness. Not one query sent, not one manuscript finished. A few bucks however, have been put into my well-fare envelope. (The one I put money into everyday I don't write.)

A new month brings an old promise: alright forget that last month, THIS is the one I really roll up my fucking sleeves. YEAH BITCH ......this is the one.....THIS is the one I fucking write my Moby dick while kicking it freelance as an unknown writer in a couple of magazines. They'll be all like -hey you know that guy that wrote moby? well he originally appeared in such and such.....
(WOW --where did that wigger talk come from???-ah whatever; no one is reading this anyway.)

A new month tough is like a new beginning.

New ways to fuck up! New excuses on why if you only had the time, you'd write down everything that's in your head. "Think of how great you'll be --if they'd only give you the time. If they'd only give you the opportunity."

A new month brings a new chance to be depressed beyond the reach of pills. I'll never make...I'll never have my foot in the door........I didn't put my foot in the door fast enough.........I don't know many words....I don't spell well the ones I do....how am I suppose to know grammar? It's not like there's a school I can go to. I still haven't finished college, they'll never give me a shot.....damn those English Majors and their bland-fit-anywhere-degrees. I'm never going to make it I'm never going to make it I'm never going to make it. Look at this shity article.......I could have written this......I could made it better...give me the chance give me the chance.......another job opening another job opening another job opening.........no portfolio no portfolio no portfolio.........i can't apply.........i can't..........write.

I should quit.

no...I should relax. I should just sit here in the dark....feel the waves in my head from the semi-poison I've been drinking. I've been putting too much pressure on myself. Just sit here and relax...sing those songs out of tune and laugh at yourself...there's always next month.

--betbar

So I had to go buy food the other day...with only five bucks. (The other 5.75 is all in pennies....so to avoid embarrassment I can't use it.) I had to make it stretch. Like for a week. Or longer since freelance writers can wait months before they get accepted......or more importantly PAID! How can five bucks go a long way at a big chain premium grocery store?

The old broke college student way: macaroni and cheese. Of course these days the Mac & Cheese companies have gotten "hip" to this tread and have made special tubs for easy Mac and cheese microwave simplicity. HOWEVER, these "CHEAP" contraptions come with a premium. There more expensive than the regular boxes, and they have alot LESS Mac in them. Like a virgin to a porn star.

So I went for a couple boxes of the generic store brand. Hmm the meal isn't quite finish.....something needs to go with it.......just Mac and Cheese is too.......chalky....need something meaty: ANSWER- A CAN OF TUNA......mix some tuna into that bitch, and we got a good kind of fishy I don't mind going down on!

What else>? What else.........do I have money for???

AHHH desert! .....with cents left......it only made sense to buy a box of gelatin....JUST GELATIN.......i can't afford JELLO brand./..... oooh a buy two for seventy cents? perfect.

So dont' cry for me......I ate my two course meal while I applied online for jobs........

yes....the dreaded "day job" must writers must get. I wonder what hell hole will snare me?

-betbar

"There is no shame in being a total loser."
...Until you finish that sentence and there is nothing left BUT shame! So the other day I semi-enjoyed my first day sober-without overwhelming withdrawal. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the mole people were being quite friendly; I watched television all day. I don't know how the fuck it really was outside. The hours went and went, and I guess so did my whole career as a FREELANCE WRITER.

I mumbled a couple of phrases to myself, and decided that was my article. So I looked up in the writers-market the "type" of magazine that would except such drivel...and to no surprise- they don't pay very well! In fact I think it's some shit like 5 bucks! It's one of those "little publications" that are published 'semi-annualy' (the liars take on "irradically" ) by some loner guy that couldn't get published in any magazine so decided to make one of his own. I know the type.... I've flirted with that idea myself.. I'm only wasting my time with this jerk-off so I can get some clips.

So I start to write a query letter.
"Dear Mr. so andfuck, "

"Many around the country..." (nah) "Did you know..." (no-that's why I'm writing it..) "People often..." (no! ) (SHIT...SHIT SHIT)

Writing a damn query letter is a tricky ass tedious death trap. Fuck it up, and editors won't even read your damn MSS. They'll just pass! All those hours down the drain. All those hopes of getting some clips, GONE! CHECKS!! NO STINKING CHECKS! No money , no rooftop, no food........but apparently plenty of melodrama!

All these query letters are just (ideally) new creative ways of telling an editor to GIVE YOU SOME MONEY!
As much as I hate having to write some suck-up query letter to some prick editor; I did pick something up from the whole sordid affair. I had no fucking idea what my article REALLY was about. I couldn't bring it into sentences. A query letter is supposed to be short...the shorter the better; but I just couldnt' even bang out a single sentence. Two trails of thought stem from here: one, I could be a total retard that can't write a single sentence.....or TWO: I just haven't really thought of an article and this has shown me that I should sit back and think about it for real.

Well my faith-full reader (WHICH HAS COME ACROSS THIS BLOG BY MISTAKE) which trail of thought do you think I picked to describe myself???????

Yep you guessed it.....I'm a total TARD!!

So lesson learned:
*start with a query letter to better organize your thoughts.
and
*Don't be a retard that can't write.

__betbar

So with my newly found soberness -I've started to remember things. Like I forgot to call a rat exterminator ....to maintain and sell my car (I came to call it- the DUI trap) ...to buy shirts with something more current than Marilyn Manson....AND.....That I had a job......freelance writer.

I don't really have a boss or anyone to answer too.......actually strike that...I do.....the loser that works at burger king when he asks me to pay for that number 10. Then I start to realize how fucked I am, for stumbling around and not working.

If you don't write anything as a free lancer.....you can't get paid.....hmm so simple! Anyway I knew I was an un talented drunk that rather drink and listen to terrible bands in bars than write querry letters to a bunch of stuck up editors. So I started a kind of a Drunkard social security. Everyday I didn't write(or work on) anything sellable I would put a dollar in a jar. A lazy fuck can really rack up the money......unless that lazy fuck is an embezzler too. So how much is in the jar today?.... 5 bills, and 5 dollars and 75 cents in PENNIES. 10.75 in THREE YEARS?!!

HALF OF IT I CAN'T EVEN USE.......unless I spend an hour counting it for that fucking burger fuck!

My portfolio looks LIKE SHIT! I only have shitty two magazine clips...both in the same crappy or "little market" bullshit publication. The rest are dumb fucking articles from fucking HIGH SCHOOL.

I am so royally fucked......send me clips send me clips send me clips!!! everyone posts......to get clips I need to have clips! JUST PAY ME!!!!!

I'm starting from scratch.....but whatever......you just came upon this by mistake!

_betbar