It's fun when you're drunk,
but when you're sober, things start not to make sense.

Emerging questions started to fill my head.

What time is this?

The undefinable thing that seemed to fly away from me started to come back in leisurely pace.

What am I doing?

The sensible reasons did fade away with the drunken unconscious mind.
but now they are back like millions blades.
My eyes started to see obvious things around me, which have always been there but I was too emotionally blinded to notice.

What have I done?

My body started to shake and tremble,
although it wasn't clear to me, whether it was because my reaction to alcohol or my guilt.

"Are you alright?"

What a fucking retarded question,
If I'm ok you wouldn't be asking this to me.
...but yet my answer remains "yes, I'm fine"

How can I fix it?

Once he said he's in love,
myself was broken in to pieces.
I could feel my hope dying away with my fake congratulation
I said to myself, "just smile, it's easier that way"

What am I trying to do?

Each station's name were announced, one after another.

Each station's name remind me of us.
And I started to miss how you hold my hand through this boring train ride.

Each station's name were announced, one after another.





What should I do?






Oh my god,.... I think I need to drink again.

I HATE BREAKS.

Things should be interesting enough for people to occupied themselves without having to hold back.
Holding back seems to be such a waste of time.

But then I realized that stopping can be a step forward.

Personally, I tends to be really inpatient when it comes to waiting.
Just like the rest of the spoil brats in the world, I want things MY way AND fast.
And now, as I'm growing up to a certain point when, just like the rest of the spoil brats in the world,
I realized things can't always go my way.

Sometimes, you try your best and it's still out of your hands.
And all you can do is just watch it all go horribly wrong...
..well, according to your judgment right now anyway...
I mean, who knows, this might happen for some reasons which will reveal itself to you in a few days, a couple of months, or even years time.

So now, it all comes to 1 question: What will you do during that waiting period of time?
Will you just sit there being grumpy until you understand why it happened?
or will you carry on and occupy yourself with something else...
...and cant help but wonder...when the revelation comes, will it still matter?

It's official.

We have been together for 4 months.

And then we broke up.

It's quite hard, as it's all just a big misunderstood and was driven by emotions....but well, which break up doesn't. Now such a beautiful thing is ruined, but we'll move on.
It' quite funny actually, specially on my part which still can't keep up with the fact that I'm alone again...eventhough that is pretty much status of most of my life so far.
but well, being 'alone' doesn't mean i have to be 'lonely' now, does it? ;)

so ladies and gents, dykes and queers, please pack up our bags because we're going on another joy ride to find the charming prince.

and this time, we'll stay away from the blonde ones.

xxx
O.

After my rest, it all turns to blur

All the achievements,
tears, pain, yearning, passion
feelings, thoughts, actions,
even empowerments which we all worked so hard for...

It's all burred now.

May be this is why my mum told me to go to sleep,
and when I wake up, everything will be alright.
Actually, things are still fucked,
But it's your rested mind that tend to forget about them.

One of the things I absolutely LOVE about the Semi-Permanent design conference, ofcause, is all the HOT UNIQUE PEOPLE who rock up to the show. If I didn’t happen to have an extremely lovely bf at the time, I would be hooking up with those hot dude w/ glasses and chicks w/ cool hair! (hell yes, creativity turns me ON!)
It’s also very interesting to see this group of crowd reacts to the speakers as well. Personally, I like to think that designers are quite sophisticated and seeing shit load of us together makes me think of the future of mankind.....yes, I’m si-fi like that. just beat it.

Another thing which I also love about this is the fact that it make me, and apparently other people as well, want to create some sort of feedback/response to the inspirations, frustration and passion in which we feel during the event.
This year in particular, it was the frustration that did it for me.
I couldn’t stop thinking "only if I was the speaker...." as I bored my ass off during a few speeches. Like seriously speakers, this is such a massive opportunity to make people like, adore or even worship you or your company. Preparation is obviously crucial since we actually paid 100 bucks not just to wait around for you trying to configure your technical troubles. Things like videos, slides should be tested on stage at least once before the actual speech. Boo to all the unprepared and boring speakers (except for Anthony Lister, cuz hes artistic and HOT.FUCK YES.)

It has always been my dream to be on Semi-Permanent speaker list, but if they still keep shitting me like this year, I don’t really know if i would heh...
But I mean, it’s a good thing to aim high, isn’t it?
At the end you might not get it, but it allows you to really push it up and try.

One thing for sure, speaking or not, I would be doing my best to work hard and inspire people.
And that’s simply because it’s what I was born to do.


O.

P.S. special thanks to People like us, I had a great time hiding owls and sitting next to Jeremy. It make me feel special for once :D
and to all of my dear companions and random greetings during the 2 days, Andrea Innocent, James Jirat, Daryl, Alycia, Lisa, Magaret, Anthony, Aziel, etc. It’s always fun to be social :)
<3

I love drawing naked people.
Our bodies are incredibly beautiful the way it is.
I sometimes imagine people naked and rape that thought by drawing it on paper and show the world.
I feel a bit guilty sometimes as this is, in a way, sexual harassment which they can't do shit about...

It's quite funny because, as soon as they are translated to art, they belong to me.
Every bit of their bodies and soul, at least in one moment, captured as mine.

oh shit, I sound like a pervert. lol.

People are so ashamed of their bodies that they dont show, discuss, decorate or even cherish it with anyone.
Although, I never have a complaint regarding any of my subject's revealing images that I've created, and for some, exhibited.

So I guess, we all love to show off and have a closer look.
and via art, its the best way to do it.

I love nakedness.
It's so raw yet gentle, so imperfect yet beautiful in its own way...
.....so real.

I think as much that clothes give us our characters and let us portray the way we want of ourselves, it takes away what the creator has given us,
our natural beauty.

We are mean, sweaty, dirty, imperfect creature, yet we dressed ourselves to be something "society" classify as "good" and "ideal".

What the fuck is "good" and "ideal" anyway?

we all have our own standard and preferences, desires that comes from our craving to be perfect (but can never be).
It's all different for everyone. Some might have similar preference that they share, but quantity surely doesn't mean unity.

a.k.a. they are people who probably doesn't think like you, BUT, considering the big picture, their thoughts are just as important as yours.

This might be weird coming from a 19 years old boy who still doesnt really know what to do with his life.
But, if you let go of your discrimination and judgments,
you will see that you can learn even from the new born baby.

So lets get naked.
strip off what we like, or dislike.
strip off all the characters created by the different groups because we are one.
strip off the social issues that holding us back.
strip off and cherish every bit of ourselves.
but most importantly, know the limit and respect it with your life.
just be ourselves the way we are intended to be, naked.

Life is a big mess orgy anyway.

xxx
O.

We met at "Mr. Beans", her favorite coffes shop and started to talk.
"It is not obligation of yours to talk to them or do anything for them during this sentimental period of time", said Estella.

I zipped the coffee and said"But..I don't know, I thought it might be a good idea and help my recovery process."

"Recovery? Process? what are you talking about?!" She laughed.

"I know this sound so silly but, I watched "Judging Amy" lastnight. The characters in the show were going through a horrible time but they were trying not to talk about it until this guy said "If you want to forget them, you need to talk about them and think about them all the time untill their names fading out in the mud of thoughts"

After I finished, we were in silence for a few seconds.

"I totally understand." My dear sister continued, "But you cannot expect a perfect life anyway."

I nodded my head and listen to her as if she was an expert in mental healing, "You cannot see them as a black ink which tainted you white cloth, Honey, it is not like that.", She said
"You need to embrace it, because nothing but these experiences can make use tougher in so many ways."

"The damage is done and we yet have to live our life." She lifted up her Latte again and we changed to other topics.

After 2 hours of consulting and a few cups of coffee, I realized we all have our own story to tell and the solve.
Conversation is not something we share but it was something we do to express ourselves and feel better.
Sometime it feels like you are giving advise to other but it actually was to yourself.

Strange isn't it?

After all, it has become obvious to me that, eventhough, we tried to hide the past, believe it or not, pain shows in our eyes.

O.

Some people asked me "What exactly going through your mind when you draw?"
It's quite hard to put the answer in to words really...
If that is possible, it would be something like: passion + characterization + random emotions + quirky things + sexy time + boys with glasses + girls with cool hair + owls + sexy time.

lol

it just feels so right.

I started to notice that I draw people quite a lot.
There's something about their quality that conveys uniqueness and emotions...
which I want to express as an artist...
I guess.

...Sometimes, I draw my friends, both in real life and imaginary.
I also notice that I draw to get people(that i'm interested in)'s attention.
I'm such an attention whore...

Drawing someone can be more intimate than having sex.
It's very erotic actually...
In order to get someone's image portrayed on the paper, you need to stop thinking about yourself,
and have a really close "look" into that person.
how the light create shadow and shapes him into his form...
what stories does his eye tell...
what are his flaws and how beautiful they are...
what does his features convey...
and really try to capture it.
that moment,
that feeling,
that person.

You see, having sex is the experience of melting the two together.
We both can get to certain point of each other...
then, you cum, I cum.
but creating an art work is very much more selfish.
as it is only the artist who navigate and express (or in a way, seal) his subject as his own.

Drawing someone can be more revealing than stripping that person's clothes off,
because not only the body but, by drawing, you show his everything.

It shows how devoted, yet very self centered, we can be.

...Art is so cruel.
....yet I love it to bits.



xxxx
O.

I met her today.

She was so beautiful with her white wings spread wide.

Her smile refreshed my soul like a drop of rain in the desert.

Our brief yet intimate encounter was way beyond physical.

I was about to cry but she asked me not to.
so I didn't.
....but yet she left me.


At first I felt so empty,
but then I soon realised
it won't be long until we sang in the same choir.

we both will be dressed it white.
with our wings cling on to each other,
just like the sand and the sea.
because we were born for each other,
just like the sand and the sea.


so now I'm smiling...

just because I believe that...

I'll see you soon.

I love you.
O.

Ok, Now I reckon I can say I've been VERY lucky with almost every part of my life. work, study, even my dancing skills.
but when it come to 1 thing, I have ALWAYS been soooo unlucky.

yes people, it's love.

lol it's so pathetic that I'm writing this cuz I feel so lonely...but hey, it's true, so what the heck.

*exhales*

Oat.

A teacher once told me, "don't get too excited with this achievement, you know, when you look back to this in a few years, you'll be laughing your ass off"


I've been thinking about what he said lately.

It's surely true that, as I look back on my previous works, sometime I thought "why the hell did I feel proud about this shit?"

but again, at that age, how many could have done what I did?
At 5, no one in the class except me could draw a crab, eventhough it was a ridiculously distorted 5 legs -1 eye crab, it was a crab, MY crab.

As others were fighting over toys and playing with their dolls, I drew my crab.

Looking back to it now, I'm seeing through the horrible scribbles of a 5 yrs old me since it was so much more than a kid's drawing.
It's a evident of ambition. A trophy of passion that proves art as my lover, no toys or dolls can replace it either.


So be proud, my dear people, with what ever you've achieved.
enjoy that feeling of success and don't let anyone take it away from you.
Smile as big as you can and laugh as loud as you want,

you know our live is too short to waste on holding back anyway.

so fuck the teachers, they can keep on being jealous and give us shitty marks,
but we will always know who we are and what we've achieved.

love,
Oat.