I have been thinking about some things lately. And I'm so disapointed with people in this world. Why do people get used? Why are there always some underlying terms that aren't stated? Am I too quick to accept people? Am I too forgiving? Maybe I should start taking steps backwards. I think distance from the world, or even just from people (including people that I care deeply for), would mean a safer place. At least psychologically.

Until recently I thought that I was a pretty good judge of character, but let me just ask you this, how is is possible for a person to stop a friendship when there was no wrong-doing? Or to just stop caring or thinking about a person that you had an intense relationship with, with the snap of your fingers?

I also wonder why I dwell on it. Obviously there is no need to worry about this particular person. They wanted me out of their life, and I will honor that. But I ask again... how is that sort of decision even possible?

I continue to become more aware of the negativity in people and the world. And I'm afraid that as time passes I'll become "like everybody else".

It makes me sad too, I enjoy being positive, "naive" and accepting. I am not looking forward to becoming the typical person. Negative, distant, uncaring, ungrateful and unaware of beauty... scared of fact, constantly trying to change the things that frighten them...

I learned a lesson though. And now I am cautious of whom I will accept into my life.

You're just like everyone else in this world. So proud, and so scared. Good luck... you're becoming the person that you hate.


The Falling Kind

Should we even wonder why our hearts are torn
Why our image is based on this broken city
Should we ask ourselves why our lungs breathe in sickness
Innocence is seen as weakness
Laughed at us naive

And it's these things that hold you down
When they're supposed to keep you safe and sound
And it's these things you claim to believe
Don't let them be the ones you forever tried to please

It's this scene that leaves you cold
but why choose anything else and lose your place in line
May I ask one thing, how do you think this will work out
You are no more well-liked than those who have been betrayed

And it's these things that hold you down
When they're supposed to keep you safe and sound
And it's these things you claim to believe
Don't let them be the ones you forever tried to please

Look at you now
Look at you now

And it's these things that hold you down
When they're supposed to keep you safe and sound
And it's these things you claim to believe
Don't let them be the ones you forever tried to please

My birthday has brought about some startling changes in my life.

This is definately my time to live. I have my plan too... it's pretty strange how it came about! I was literally forced into this. I was forced to see that I need to find myself. I thought I had... I have changed perspective of my life over the last year. I ventured outside my normal routine into a whole new world. And during that time I became me. I know I did. I just hadn't realized at the time it happened. But now I do.

I love, I love deeply. I am the type to give up anything that I can to express my love. That's a good thing and a bad thing. When the time is right it'll be a good thing. But until then I need to make sure I keep my love for others in check. Now's the time to love myself first. And to give myself all the love that I've been storing up, I need to make my dreams come true.

I decided, after working in so many different types of establishments, that my favorite is the bakery. I love how it feels to enter a bakery, work at a bakery, i love the way they look and also how cozy they can feel. I love how the breads look so amazing that you'd like to buy them all, I love the cookies in glass jars and I love delicious cakes and tarts sitting behind glass glistening and making anyone drool!!!! It makes people smile to see those things, and I just love making people smile!

I have known for quite a while that someday I'd have my own business. I knew it'd be a bakery, and I have imagined how the kitchen would be laid out, the dining area and the service area. I have pictured it all... except that I couldn't decide on the perfect location!

Another thing that I have always thought about is owning my own house. I have also known for some time that I'd eventually have my house... but I couldn't decide where! And last night, after brutally being forced into finding out who i am, and what my path is... my mind wandered. I was evaluating everything that I had just been told. The words were sinking in and I said to myself "I have the answer!!!!" This answer came up so quickly. For all I know, it should have taken me weeks to find this out.

For the last few weeks I've been tossing the idea around of purchasing a house in the Bahamas! After living there for just about 4 months, I fell in love with the waters there, and the gorgeous weather! There is a down side... the customer service is awful, no matter where you go. The produce is usually half rotten while being sold at ridiculously high prices, and there are tourists everywhere. But I was a tourist in the beginning. I may still be considered one. I don't care. I was a different type.

And as I sat last night, lamenting in the news I had been given (that I need to find out who I am, and fulfill it before giving up everything for somebody else). I suddenly realized what I need to do. It's a big plan. A huge adventure, but it's my dream. And it's who I am. It's what I want and it's the answer to the questions that have been hanging over my head for years.

I wanted my home to be in the bahamas. It has become more and more apparent to me that that's where I'd love to live... I'll at least have one of my houses there anyway!!
And I wanted my perfect bakery... but couldn't decide on a location....Why not the bahamas!!! It's the perfect place! I have my plan. I can see my bakery. I know right where it's going to be. Right in the limelight. In it's perfect spot. I have my answer. The one that I had no idea would come creeping up so quickly, and with such force.
Now I need to find out how to make it possible... or maybe I shouldn't worry about the how... and only focus on the ultimate picture in my mind.

I'm really excited about this!

I've got a new job! I never would have thought that this is what I'd be doing! But, I'm a personal chef now! It's going to be a whole new experience and a great opportunity to learn new things! I just can't wait to find out WHY this has fallen into my lap... there has to be some ultimate plan ahead... but what is it!?!?!

I'll be traveling between Aspen, Colorado and St. Maarten/St. Barths. I'm so excited that I'll get winter and summer all at once! What an opportunity!

it seems that living is just so complicated.  howcome?  i want it to be simple. 

they say that life is what you make it.  well, i want to make it simple.  so, if anyone has a clue as to how to do that, please let me know!