The following information was retrieved using the search engine "Google." Like many people, idly sitting in front of a computer at home or at work, I wondered just how many Chris Hacker's exist in this world, and exactly what has my brotheren been up to. The is what I found:

Even though my status in the United States on the grand scheme of things is relatively new, Chris Hacker's have been flourishing here for centuries. The oldest, nicknamed Stophel by his friends, was born in 1776 in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. He married on April 10th, 1799 at the age of 23 to Catherine Mueller. A bright happy future laid ahead for this young couple, but it was not meant to be. In 1808 Stophel found himself in debt trouble and fled town, leaving Catherine, and his life, behind. A few years later he resurfaced in Ohio, where he had met a girl and married - a second chance on life.

This was the first time a Chris Hacker would be tempted by the devil and succumb, but it would not be the last. Oklahoma County has deemed Chris Hacker, or 24601* as he is called on the inside, as a menace to society and locked him up. On a bid for clemency in February of '04 he was unfortunately denied.
*I made up his inmate number...well actually stole it from Les Miserable.

Hope is not lost though, for we are not all crooks, debtors and deserters. We hold office - According to the minutes of a meeting in Somerset, Kentucky back in 2001 "Luckins moved that Chris Hacker is appointed Chairman of the Vandalism Deterrence Reward Commission." Wilson seconded and none opposed. Bill Basey did leave the meeting at this point though, perhaps in a silent showing of protest, or perhaps just to pick up his kid from little league.

We have made it to Hollywood - Chris Hacker the color stylist has worked on such hit shows as 2003's My Life as a Teenage Robot, and 2004's Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go.

We are activists - A reporter was sent to our nations capitol in the fall of 1996 to cover an AIDS rally and he came back with this statement from one passionate activist named Chris Hacker "We might not know any people here, but it still touches man. You don't need to know them."

We are good with our hands - The Historic Albany, NY Foundation rewarded Chris Hacker's 748 Madison Ave. home with the much sought after Preservation Merit award in 2001. Christopher Hacker is the 4th generation of his family to live there and he did most of the work himself.

We are musicians - In a Missouri High School drum squad Chris Hacker rose from tenor in 2001 and 2002 to Instructor in 2003 (well assistant instructor behind Nathan Miller). Like many before him success also comes with a bad side; his profile states his nickname is "Kick Ass," and the answers for drumming experience and coolest scar were censored.

With all this achievement we are still grounded and know our limitations. Chris Hacker the club president of the San Mateo Rugby league knows this one very well. After clinching the 2001 Division I championship an invitation was extended to join the "Super League", but this would be an invitation the team would regrettably have to turn down due to financial problems and...well..... Chris puts it best here in his own words "We're flattered with the offer, but being in the league was going to be a huge headache, especially for me." Good on you Chris, stay strong. No need to put yourself out or anything.

But it is hard to come close to the loyalty and morals possessed by Chris Hacker the patriot. On his webpage a surely extemporaneous message of patriotism was posted on February 21st, 2003 at 2:24 AM. The following are the last lines of that moment of clarity: "Well I don't know about you, but if and when old Uncle Sam needs me to put my nation before myself, I will willingly go to protect my fellow Americans and my nation," next he closes with a slam dunk "Long live America, for we represent freedom, liberty, and strength." Sadly as of yet, no reader has responded.

And now the crème de la crème of Chris Hacker's, the top brass, the big cahuna, the man with more google results than any other is Chris Hacker the senior Vice President of global marketing and design for Aveda. He has won several design awards, and his work was included in a Whitney Museum of American Art Exhibition on design of the 20th century. When reading all his entries I remember thinking "Well done Chris Hacker, so far you've taken our name to its highest pinnacle." One Sunday while watching The Bears at my local pub, I was talking to this guy whom I met the week before. Usually bar protocol calls for a hearty handshake and an exchanging of first names, but somehow my last name slipped out and he said "you know there is someone at my work named Chris Hacker" and I said "oh yeah, where do you work?" and he said "Aveda."

I am not sure how to end this tale, maybe Penn Valley Community college math specialist Chris Hacker can, "Math is a step in the stairway to getting that degree...let me help you climb that sky."

The latest issue of Urban Folk, a monthly NYC rag that focuses on the cities independent artists, was thrust in to my hand while recently watching a show at live music hotspot Piano's, located in Manhattan's Lower East side. Flipping through it while talking with my friend Jeff Jacobson, himself an active member in NYC's music scene, I stumbled upon an article about my good friend Jeff Schram that was all about his graphic design business. I thought good for Jeff, you deserve it buddy………now how can I mess with you. Coming up with an idea took all of two seconds and I unloaded on Jacobson the prank: I'll e-mail Schram from my yahoo account, which is my first name and middle name so he won't know it's me, and then request the construction of a website, being as absurd as possible. Jacobson laughed and said he would do it too - the plan was in motion.


First Contact:

Hi Jeff,

I saw your article in Urban Folk and thought you were the best person for my newest website. I'm an entrepreneur and have started many a successful business. My newest venture is an invention that deals with vegetables. Vague I know, I'll be able to divulge more info if we decide to work together.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

-Chris Nolan

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To my disappointment this e-mail went unanswered for a couple days. Luckily I had plans to hang out with Jeff that weekend and while at dinner nonchalantly asked if there was any response from the article, but he said he hadn't had any. You didn't receive any E-mail's asking to create a website? And again he said no. The next day I ran in to Jacobson, who I had Bcc'd on the e-mail, and said funny right - but he had no idea what I was talking about. The e-mail to Schram asking for a website, remember. He busted out laughing as he had indeed received that e-mail but completely forgot our joke so thought that he had received the e-mail by mistake and forwarded it on to Jeff Schram with a note saying, "Here Jeff, this is for you. I'm not sure why I got it." Jacobson is a very talented guitarist and vocalist, but now I know he's not exactly up to par in the prank world……or even in pure logic! It was clearly addressed to Jeff Schram, anyone could have seen that, so there was no need to forward it to him! Well I figured even if he was getting our e-mails the jig was up for sure. But not wanting the joke to die I e-mailed Schram and told him that I knew somebody who sent him an e-mail looking for a website but that they never heard back. He replied back saying yes he did see the e-mail, but had been real busy with work and would reply soon.

The Response:

Hi Chris!

Thanks for getting in touch with me. I love vegetables. Eat em all the time. :)

I'd like to talk about your site, explore our ideas and options and develop a plan of action. I'm not sure of what your needs are, but thru my design collective I'm also able to offer print services, photography and video, as well as marketing and promotion.

My buddy Chris Hacker gave me the heads up that you'd be contacting me. I love that guy. Ever play the bean bag game with him? That's one competitive dude :)

Feel free to call me at 555 123 4567.

best,

Jeff


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Now I never wanted to bring the real me in to the picture and on retrospect there probably could have been another way, perhaps just sheer patience, but what had been done was done so I had to adapt the story and forge on.

My reply:

Hi Jeff,

Thanks for the reply. Yes Chris told me you were the best person he knew making websites in the city so I had to contact you. No he hasn't mentioned a bean bag game but I know about the competitive streak: one time we were playing darts and he was beating me pretty bad and not being too graceful about it so I threw a dart right at him, that taught him a lesson :)

Now we've had a little dialog and have a mutual friend in common I can tell you a little more about my invention. As you may know vodka is made from potatoes. What I've done is made a machine that when a potato is placed inside it can instantly extract pure fresh vodka. It takes about 5 potatoes to make one shot but the taste is out of this world.

The site I would like to mimic is: http://www.shaniatwain.com/

All we need to do is construct a similar site and add a video demonstration section and an online store.

-Chris


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From Wiki: Vodka is one of the world's most consumed distilled beverages. It is typically a colorless liquid containing ethanol purified by distillation from a fermented substance such as grain or potatoes.

Okay I don't have to go in to it but that's quite a complicated process that needs a heck of a lot of time to do and the idea of a machine that can in minutes turn potato's in to Vodka, while brilliant and I want credit if it's ever invented, is preposterous.

Hi Chris,

This sounds like a fun project.

We can definitely mimic the site design of shaniatwain.com. I'd like to talk with you about it, and start to develop our plan of attack. Also, once I have a solid understanding of what the sitie will consist of, I can give you an estimate. I'm also wondering if you have someone to produce the video, or if you'd like me to check with my video people to see if they can take the project.

It's possible to take care of all of this thru email, but much easier to talk on the phone, or meet up over coffee. I've got this week wide open, if you'd like to set a time for a phone call or face to face just lemme know.

best,

Jeff


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Apparently this is more of a challenge than I thought. It's time to take this thing up a notch.


Hi Jeff,

Great I'm glad you're on board. I would love to meet up and talk in person but I'm traveling through the former Soviet Union at the moment and e-mail is the best method of communication. The reason being is I'm securing the sale of a very important component of my instant Vodka machine, and that is Uranium. Specifically, Enriched Uranium, which is needed to accelerate the fermentation of the potato. Only a very small amount is used in the process and it poses no threat to humans. I'm awaiting the Food and Drug administrations approval, which should come any day now, but they are notoriously slow and my investors are very impatient and I need to start making some sales.

This leads me to a discussion about the online store and website as a whole. Are you able to create this website without any trace of it originating from the United States? It would only be a temporary situation while we are waiting on the Food and Drug people to get their asses in gear. I understand this might be quite complicated but rest assured money is no object for my investors: I can offer you $25,000 for your services. Is that sufficient?

Sincerely,
Chris


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Mission accomplished. A couple hours after sending this e-mail Jeff calls, "Dude how do you know this guy, is this a joke, what's going on this is some weird shit, is this a joke." I played dumb for a minute or two, saying he was my brothers friend from Columbia Grad school and only half knew him etc etc, but I couldn't keep going and broke down.

We had a good laugh and isn't that what life is all about. Okay I have to go, Jeff invited me out to a Yankees game and we have tickets right behind home plate, supposedly he's got a hot date for me too. Man he is such a great friend!