So, today, for one of the first times in a while, I can say I'm completely happy. Not that I wasn't happy before--I was--but there was always some doubt or worry looming over my head... usually about money, school, work. Today, that's gone. and, bonus: I'm successfully typing this with a lit cigarette between my middle and index finger and it hasn't effected my speed whatsoever.
So this weekend, Mark and I went to Louisville and I found two adorable apartments in Old Louisville, an area full of old Victorian mansions divided into apartments. I think "really cute"might be a stretch (as they are both basement studio apartments with brick walls and concrete floors) but I think I could make the space my own. I met with the person who will be my boss, Nickole Brown. She was Hunter S. Thompson's personal assistant while he was still alive, which, as I've already discovered, makes only one degree of seperation apart. Cool. I get to work the Sarabande table at AWP in Chicago, which means I will get to meet some pretty badass poets and fiction writers. I hope this doesn't seem like I'm bragging or trying to sound pretentious, and I'm pretty sure that's only cool to me, and maybe 2 or 3 of you reading this... I'm just really f'ing excited. AND, my sweet wonderful amazing badass dad called me today and said that he was going to give me some money to help with the moving in/bills. THANKS DAD. Also, I decided I'm only going to stay 6 months.. they gave me the option of staying a year, but six months just seems a little more comfortable. I'm not ready to walk away from my life here for an entire year... that seems so intimidating. Six months I can handle. oh AND their last intern just got a job in New York at a feminist press! So that's def. encouraging.. AND I am most likely getting a part-tme job at an independent bookstore in Louisville when I'm not working at Sarabande.
 
Okay, I'm done. Just had to get that out while I'm still in a really really great mood.. these times are few and far between.

Just thought I'd write a blog...
I'm on the cusp of something, maybe finally starting to understand what it means to grow up. I'm taking this internship in Louisville, KY at Sarabande books. It's unpaid, which means I'll have to find some type of part-time job as soon as I get there. It's either going to be for six months or a year, they said after six months, if things work out, they will most likely ask me to renew the contract, but I'm not sure I'd be willing to stay that long at an unpaid internship unless I really, really, really loved it. We'll see. Exciting as this may be, I'm really pretty bummed to have to leave everything/everyone I have here and try to start over somewhere, even if it's only temporary. I've gotten pretty comfortable here, finally. I've been through a lot since I've graduated, dealt with a lot of self-doubt and uncertainty, but finally, it seems like it all meant something, that maybe the trajectory of my life is about to shift. Time will tell. Either way, I'm down for a new experience, a little change of scenery. I plan on keeping in touch, maybe I'll actually start updating this again regularly. Most likely it will be sad, long, lonely... but maybe a little isolation would serve me well. Thank you to everyone in this town who has ever inspired me in some way, that's a butt load of people. So yeah, going to scout out houses/jobs next weekend, out of this apartment by the first, then off to Chicago for the AWP conference, then on to Louisville to start working on the 18th... hopefully.

PS: If you've borrowed anything from me (books/clothes, etc) please try to get it back to me before I go. That would be rad.

So, sometimes I forget about all the moments that have really made me who I am today. I was just thinking about all the friends I've had, all the times I never stop to remember... I know it's cheesy as fuck, but here are some memories with people that have been important to me over my lifetime... some of you may be in here multiple times..plus I need to practice writing/get in the writing mood so I can get at my real homework...

 

-It is July and we are highly stimulated.  Classy in heels and short-shorts, we are blowing through our life stories like they're Marlboro 72's and I realize I'm shrinking quick, haven't eaten in a day. It is early morning now, hints of sun escaping over  tree tops, grey fades to purple fades to orange, and there were cops, we ignored them, and we knew we should be there, then. Suddenly a single firework explodes over the lake and our mouths drop and we forget that we're thirsty and that we've smoked three packs of cigarettes in five hours and our bodies are eating themselves, and we stare and there is no explanation for this light, this beauty, this hush of color that spreads itself over the early morning sky, then we remember that it is July and we are highly stimulated.

-We stomp across the Andy Warhol bridge like true poets and its bright yellow like our hearts. Pittsburg matched our style, that dirty kind of beauty we all secretly want to be a part of, scuffed heels and smeared eye-liner and last night's dress and you're smoking a cigarette outside of the hilton and for a moment, you like the feeling of not being at home, for a moment you relish the cold.

-We walk across a grey beach with black water, its cold and sometimes its raining. We find things in the sand, things that were alive once. This is an ocean you don't fuck with--you know you don't run in those waves like you're 13 and you rode to Florida  in a barely-there backseat of pickup truck for a thousand miles or was it a thousand hours and when you get there and you finally see that infinite blue, all you can do is run in it and you don't care that there's strangers everywhere, familes and dogs and umbrellas, because you're 13 and you're too fat for your bathing suit and you wanna swim in the fucking ocean. It pounded us and we lost our goggles and our eyes burnt with salt and we were over it in fifteen minutes. No, this beach is empty-- just us, our little canine companion, and that pitch black tide. We are quiet because we have seen so much and we know better so we let the waves do the talking and our hearts take notes for later.

-LSD has laserated my grip on reality and there are strangers screaming and dogs dying and I am no where I recognize and I can't use phones because they no longer make sense and I need someone to anchor me so I know I'm not disentegrating  into a strangers linolium while the beatles play because les claypool was freaking my shit and the house smells like hippies and its suddenly so cheesy to me that i've found myself in this prediciment and I'm fairly positive I will stay like this forever--but somehow, you come,  you find me like a tiny rhinestone that fell off your jacket, and you pick me up and hold me in your arms and our souls melt and start to stick together. I am saved by a bleach-blonde messiah.

-You told me sometimes you saw yourself outside of yourself, as if watching from across the room, not just in the poetic sense but quite literally, since you were a child. I think about you sometimes before I fall asleep and I wonder what perspective you dream in.

done for now..

Hello, friends.

I haven't blogged much lately... mostly because the things I want to blog about expose so much of myself, and that makes me nervous.. however, over the last month or so, I've been thinking a lot about things, and while I haven't arrived at any solid conclusions, I feel I would benefit from getting some of it out... read if you like, I can't promise anything profound.

Hm, I guess a good place to start would be the current economic crisis. I don't profess to know much about the economy, or how the stock market works, beyond its basic level... but I'm pretty sure I can confidently say that irresponsible spending on the part of the government and American people alike has dug us into a very deep hole. I could really give two fucks about Wall Street, but since its in the news, and thus, the collective conscious... the fear of what's to come of all this is certainly on everyone's mind, in one way or another. I hate money.. I hate everything about it... I hate how much of it I owe.. I hate how little of it I have... I hate what I would have to sacrifice to have lots of it. Anyway, a few thoughts.. I was listening to the Coast-to-Coast radio show the other night, in hopes they would be discussing the 10-14-08 prediction (I will get to this soon) but they were talking about the financial crisis instead. There was a man who had written a book, something like The Geek Rapture (I could look this up real quick, but I don't feel like it) in which he proposes none of the money that any of these institutions (including the United States Government) have is actually "REAL" .. it has no value .. it was created by a computer system.. it's bits of binary floating through the air... I have often felt like this, when swiping my debit card.. what are these numbers? does this money have any real value? It may be nothing more than suped up computer hacking, but it has enough "value" to make people do some terrible things to gain it...Blah blah.. I'm digressing...okay, anyway... moving on...(this ties in, I promise)

 The other day, Heather and I went to see "Brother Jed" for the first time at Mizzou's campus. Mark had always told me about him, even let me borrow a book he had written about "Confrontational Evangalism" .. I could hardly believe this man was real. Mark told me about how he would call students fags, queers, whores, sluts, and of course, "masturbators" ... I skimmed through the first few chapters of the book and realized that at one point, Jed had been a partier himself, a hippie even. There was a picture of him, long beard, long hair, big sunglasses, vest and ripped jeans.. looking blazed out of his skull. He talked about how he'd experimented with LSD, "reefer", and various other drugs in attempts to enlighten himself. It wasn't until he heard the true word of the lord that he shunned his wicked ways and became truly enlightened... Hm. So, anyway, Heather and I made our way to Speaker's Ciricle, indistinguishable from the crowd of students that had already gathered. We'd prepared a mental list of arguments and questions we would ask him when we arrived. It was not Brother Jed who was speaking when we got there, though... some older, crazier colleague (sp?) and I'm not sure I ever caught his name. In addition to physically assulting a student, calling some random guys Fags, and just being a huge TOOL, he was discussing the economy. He was spouting a bunch of BULLSHIT about how if you love God, he will provide for you financially.. no matter what. WTF? Since when? (sidenote: this reminded me of an article I was reading about the Prosperity Gosple--I think this is what he was getting at, in a very inarticulate manner... check it out if you're inerested in this bullshit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosperity_theology) He said something along the lines of, "All you liberals wanna say Wal-Mart is evil, McDonald's is evil... but these places make you wealthy! And that's what God wants!" someone made the obvious counter point that this would only be appilcable in Middle-Class America, which I futhered by saying, what about the products bought and sold at Wal-Mart (before you call bullshit, I will admit, I shop there out of convinience and neccesity from time to time, but that doesn't mean it isn't evil!) that are produced in third-world countries.. what about the human beings being exploited by Capitalism so we can get our shit at cheap prices? What about the jobs here that are lost because they're sent overseas for cheap labor? The price is obviously low to us because costs were cut somewhere down the line, usually in the production stage. I mean, anyone that's moderately well-informed or taken any kind of global economy class knows this.. but he responded, looking me right in the face.. "What if those rings in your face cost a hundered thousand dollars?" "Uh.. what??" "You sure wouldn't have two of 'em, I'll tell you that!" "Uh.. what??" at this point, I realize nothing I'm going to say is going to be taken seriously... he's been doing this so long nothing could phase him, he's got an idiotic response for everything to make him feel like he's proved his point. Then, I notice he is wearing Nike's.. "What about your tennis shoes? They were probably made in a sweat shop in Indonesia! How much did you pay for those?" ... "About $80 dollars!" he responded.. "And what do you think the child that made them got out of that 80 dollars?"..."He got to eat that day, and I got a cool new pair of tennis shoes! Everybody wins!" ... WHAT .......... WHAT?! ...... I suppose I would define my "religious beliefs" as spiritual athiest.. if that makes sense... but I went to a pretty conservative christian church three times a week for about 18 years of my life, and even though I quit listening after about 13, I soaked up a little biblical knowledge involuntarily. I know that Christ wouldn't give two fucks about some Nike tennis shoes, that's for damn sure.. A child's happiness and well-being on the other hand, may have concerned him a bit. Way to promote shameless materialism. Matthew 19:21 - Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go and sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me."    ANYWAY... so much more happened with that guy/Brother Jed, but I will spare you the details  as it will keep me from ever getting to my ultimate point... (ask me next time you see me and I'll be more than happy to tell you about what else happened, it gets SO much better..)

Alright, so, the day before yesterday, Mark brings my attention to the 10-14-2008 prophecy. (check this out yourself, since my explanation will probably come nowhere close to explaining it thoroughly... http://www.10-14-2008.blogspot.com )  According to some intergalactic nerds who have been "channeling" messages from the "Federation of Light" (a group of highly advanced cosmic beings who float around as light, love and energy... and have watched over our planet since its formation) had been saying for months now that on October 14th, 2008 (the next day, consequently) they would make their first undeniable appearance to humanity... We would see their ships and everyone would know they could no longer deny their existance... and that upon seeing the ships, which are made of energy and love and pure light (a-hem) our capitalist governments would crumble and they would bring down the illuminati and all the evil bastards that have been keeping secrets from us and blowing our taxes on tanks and the whole world would flurish with love and happiness. I can't say I was convinced, but I certainly was interested. I kept checking the message boards, checking google earth (Which oddly enough had a VERY STRANGE five-sided geometric shape --pentogram...pentogon...illuminati...free masons... the percise structure of the capitol city..I was seeing the connection cut out in the middle of the clouds... later, after the ship didn't show, people said this was simply a computer glitch, though part of me holds a romantic bit of doubt on that one, espeically considering it had never happened prior to the 14th) blah blah, anyway... The 14th came and went with absolutely no light ship of love and energy and all these nerds on the message boards are like revolting and pissed because they felt dupped by the "channelers" specifically a one "Blossom Goodchild" (go ahead and look that kook up--she also happens to be a best-selling author.. surpriiisseee) I mean, the messages she recieved could have eaaaaaasily been fabricated by even a moderately talented writer, especially one in the science fiction genre... or perhaps she really did believe it herself, maybe she is schitzophrenic? Regardless, she made the decision to pull these people in during a time of political/socio-economic termoil with her promises of love and light and freedom, and in the end, made a hefty profit off the hearts of the disillusioned ...and it all sort of made sense to me... This new age bullshit is no different than Christianity, or any other major religion.. it simply had an end-date.. October 14th.. and since it was so close, it gained immense popularity and attention in a very short time... If Jesus had said, hey guys, I'm coming back on June 5th, 2003.. see you then! everyone would wait in anticipation for that day... and then blam, it comes and goes... and everyone would be PISSED and hurt and ashamed for beliving it.. but since there is no definite day or time to expect the rapture, Christians continue to believe and continue to twist and distort any positive messages from the bible for personal gain... It's such a strange relationship between capitalism, religion, hope... The thing that truely unites us as human beings, regardless of ethnicity or religious preference is that at some point we have to figure out an answer to the questions Why are we here? How did we get here? What happens to us when we die? ... everyone is out there grasping for some kind of understanding... perhaps they find it in the bible.. perhaps they are so desperate for answers that they would believe someone who claims to speak to aliens? It all functions in the same way. At the end, there will always be people making a profit off of other people's misery and confusion. I guess in the end, all we can do is try to find a little beauty and happiness where we can and hold it close to our hearts. I understand nothing, but I will continue to try...

 

Hm. One more thing.. on the subject of aliens.. I'm fairly positive I saw a UFO one night in Jackie's backyard.. in fact, Krysten saw it, too. The three of us stared at it, and Jackie said she was so glad someone else was here to see it, as she had seen it multiple times before. It was flying very low.. three lights in a triangular shape... it was completely silent (later, a plane flew by at a lower altitude and it was very obviously a plane.. you oculd hear it, see it... nothing like this)  ... At its basic definition, this was an Unidentified Flying Object... So maybe they are out there... I'm pretty positive they are, actually... but I don't feel like whatever "they" are have any intention of saving us from the mess we've created... sigh. It would've been nice if it were true...

Until 2012....

Tiffany

I have some horrific news to share with the myspace community. My sweet, adorable, beloved hamster, Terry (aka Young Tairy) has passed away leaving me emotionally distraught. I loved that little guy more than he could ever know. Whether he was passed out on his wheel, curled in a little ball, chasing me around in his little pink space ball, or just being the most adorable thing ever... he was great. I will miss him dearly. I can't help but think his death was due, in some way, to negligence on my part. I fed him and watered him and played with him, but the last few days, I've just ignored him because I've been so sad...
Here are a few reasons my life has been shitty lately:
1) I have no money. I want a real job as a teacher or just a writer or editor something that employs a fraction of the skills I learned in college...My rent is 500 dollars a month, and I don't have it. I don't want to live with a stranger, but it's looking that way.. I had to put an ad on craigslist.. I have a few potential people, but it's so weird living with someone you don't know, and I would have loved to turn the other room into an office to write in. So, I'm broke, depressed, and generally brooding... I get an ecstatic phone call from my mom saying that Stephens College called, and she thinks they have a position for me.... She said they said I could be a real "asset" (key word) to Stephens and blah blah blah, an exciting opportunity, please get a hold of them. So I call the number she gave me..........it's a fucking bunch of bullshit, they want me to give money to the college. FUCK THAT. I have only been gone like less than four months, and they are already hitting me up for money? I can't even buy fucking cigarettes, let alone GIVE money to Stephens. UUUUUUUUUHhhhhhgggh. I just got so excited that MAYBE my life was about to come together, MAYBE they had some comp instructor that didn't work out and they thought, "Oh, young Tiffany is still in town, perhaps she could teach... she would be a real ASSET!" but no, of course not. Fuck you, Stephens College. ..I honestly just feel embarassed for getting my hopes up. Life is HARD, as I'm quickly finding out.
2) Other random things that blow: I have a flat tire, my scooter keeps breaking down on me, my cell phone won't send text messages, and yes, again, I'm broke.
3) Most importantly: I have zero time to write anymore... or maybe just zero motivation. Not really sure which. I am, technically, in grad school.. it's just, this low residency thing with no actual class is tough. I have to be really disiplined.. I had trouble when I was going to school every day trying to get things done, and now I just keep forgetting I have 30 pages of fiction due by September 1st and I have a whole lot of nothing except ballsy ideas.

.......aaaaaaaagh, I am breaking inside. There's so much more I'd rather not talk about on here... but fuck, I need some friends to hang out with. I know everyone is back in school, so I was gonna try to have a party on Sunday. It would just be good to see some of my friends again.. I miss you all. Please come hang out with me Sunday... we will wash our sorrows away with crunk juice. It won't fix anything, but I think I would feel a lot better. Thank you to those of you who have been there for me lately--you know who you are, i love you.

I have some horrific news to share with the myspace community. My sweet, adorable, beloved hamster, Terry (aka Young Tairy) has passed away leaving me emotionally distraught. I loved that little guy more than he could ever know. Whether he was passed out on his wheel, curled in a little ball, chasing me around in his little pink space ball, or just being the most adorable thing ever... he was great. I will miss him dearly. I can't help but think his death was due, in some way, to negligence on my part. I fed him and watered him and played with him, but the last few days, I've just ignored him because I've been so sad...
Here are a few reasons my life has been shitty lately:
1) I have no money. I want a real job as a teacher or just a writer or editor something that employs a fraction of the skills I learned in college...My rent is 500 dollars a month, and I don't have it. I don't want to live with a stranger, but it's looking that way.. I had to put an ad on craigslist.. I have a few potential people, but it's so weird living with someone you don't know, and I would have loved to turn the other room into an office to write in. So, I'm broke, depressed, and generally brooding... I get an ecstatic phone call from my mom saying that Stephens College called, and she thinks they have a position for me.... She said they said I could be a real "asset" (key word) to Stephens and blah blah blah, an exciting opportunity, please get a hold of them. So I call the number she gave me..........it's a fucking bunch of bullshit, they want me to give money to the college. FUCK THAT. I have only been gone like less than four months, and they are already hitting me up for money? I can't even buy fucking cigarettes, let alone GIVE money to Stephens. UUUUUUUUUHhhhhhgggh. I just got so excited that MAYBE my life was about to come together, MAYBE they had some comp instructor that didn't work out and they thought, "Oh, young Tiffany is still in town, perhaps she could teach... she would be a real ASSET!" but no, of course not. Fuck you, Stephens College. ..I honestly just feel embarassed for getting my hopes up. Life is HARD, as I'm quickly finding out.
2) Other random things that blow: I have a flat tire, my scooter keeps breaking down on me, my cell phone won't send text messages, and yes, again, I'm broke.
3) Most importantly: I have zero time to write anymore... or maybe just zero motivation. Not really sure which. I am, technically, in grad school.. it's just, this low residency thing with no actual class is tough. I have to be really disiplined.. I had trouble when I was going to school every day trying to get things done, and now I just keep forgetting I have 30 pages of fiction due by September 1st and I have a whole lot of nothing except ballsy ideas.

.......aaaaaaaagh, I am breaking inside. There's so much more I'd rather not talk about on here... but fuck, I need some friends to hang out with. I know everyone is back in school, so I was gonna try to have a party on Sunday. It would just be good to see some of my friends again.. I miss you all. Please come hang out with me Sunday... we will wash our sorrows away with crunk juice. It won't fix anything, but I think I would feel a lot better. Thank you to those of you who have been there for me lately--you know who you are, i love you.

So, I had to write a blog for my Advanced Comp. class. Here it is, haha:

Disfigured Eagle Takes Lesson from Hollywood Starlets

First of all, let me reaffirm my love for the AOL daily news feed. Everyday, upon opening my Internet Explorer window, I am greeted by America's most hard-hitting news headlines, such as today's gems: Streaker Will Now Pose for Playboy, What Really Turns Men On: Survey Says Maybe its Not All Looks, and Secret to His Success? [Charles] Barkley cites 'Huge' Butt.  Yesterday, I was intrigued by Disfigured Eagle to Get Bionic Beak. I simply had to investigate.  I was greeted by a picture of the ironically (and rather cruelly) named Alaskan Eagle, Beauty.  This unfortunate bird was found starving to death in a landfill after part of her beak was shot off, making it nearly impossible for her to eat, drink, or hunt for food. Perhaps, more tragic than this, is the fact that Beauty is.. really fucking ugly.

                The eagle, much to the chagrin of Ben Franklin, was chosen in 1782 over the turkey as the official mascot of America.  I have a feeling this decision had something to do with the fact that eagles are (usually) far more aesthetically pleasing than the awkwardly-shaped, low-flying turkey. What says freedom like an impressive wingspan and graceful, majestic soaring? NOT SHIT! Well, perhaps Ben Franklin would disagree. In a letter to his daughter comparing the two birds, he wrote:

                "For the Truth the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America . . . He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on."

Beyond his inconsistent capitalization, Old Ben has a Point. So, turkeys may not be the most beautiful, elegant, or intelligent birds… but dammit, they're courageous. Maybe "Beauty" needs to take a lesson from her distant relative, the turkey, and man the fuck up. Alright, Beauty, you're hideous. Is it really that bad? Do you really need a beak job? So, you can't eat. Drink protein shakes from a feeding tube—maybe you'll lose a little of that extra weight (Beauty weighs 15 fucking pounds!).  Have a little courage. I think your beak is that little something special (unattractive) about you that sets you apart from the rest of the "flock", like the gap in Madonna's teeth, or Sarah Jessica Parker's face.  I was instantly reminded of MJ Himself when I saw Beauty's pic. First it's a bionic beak, then it's wing span extensions, then you're getting new feather plugs, and before you know it, we won't even recognize you as a symbol of this great nation. Is this what you want to happen to you, B?

Hello, blog.

I haven't been updating with much lately, mostly just poems and shit... but my life continues, busy and complicated as ever. I don't mind, though. It's the nature of the beast. Whatever that means. I just wanted to type 'beast'. I'm still awake.. it's five or six.. or something.. I don't mind.. I'm always awake.. it's disgusting. I really do cherish these late nights and early mornings of solitude, though. It's so refreshing to honestly have time to myself.. to just breath, reflect, think. It's so surreal to think about the fact that a good 90% of my school population lives in the four buildings around me.. and yet, I feel like the only person alive in the entire world right now. Trucks always come first. Before the sunlight. Bumbling and chopping the silence sounding distinctly of i've-got-work-to-do. I can't imagine my day actually begining at a time like this. I mean, a good majority of the time, my days don't end.. they just fade into one another in big blocks until I can't walk or keep my eyes open or keep myself from crying. It sounds so dramatic... but the real drama is the way I treat my body. It's really no good at all. Tonight, earlier, Wynde and I sat on the balcony (which is .. strictly prohibited.. because... sitting.. on a balcony.. is bad..apparently) smoking cigs and talking ... we noticed that if you stare at the moon and the silver clouds are churning like tides, you can imagine that the clouds are stationary, and that the moon itself is cutting through the sky. It's like one of those magic eye things, once you see it that way, you can't NOT see it that way. It was as if the moon was hurling towards the earth and it reminded me of a dream I had when I was a little kid. I was in the backyard playing and I looked up and saw giant, gnarled pieces of metal hurling towards the ground. They started landing all around me and my good friend sleep paralysis took over and I couldn't scream, I couldn't run and I've never been so terified. It's interesting that I dreamed that before I had any concept of war or bombs or that anything ever fell from the sky. This is me rambling. Free-writing, our professors would say. I digress. As we sat, a flock of whitesilver geese flew over our heads. Their song sounded foreign when all I'm ever used to hearing are doors shutting, cars driving by, showers turning on, toliets flushing, sirens, sirens. It was beautiful. I love the way flocks of birds move together.. is it hive mind, collective consciousness, adapatation, or just instinct? It's so beautiful. This is flock of birds number 4 in the last year or so. I realize I must get that bird tattooed on my shoulder. Tomorrow. Money is tight, but that tattoo would be tighter. Birds are free, birds are smart, birds are quiet, sometimes. Birds don't give a fuck about money. Why should I? All money has ever meant to me was paper to trade in for tight and or fun things. Here, take this paper from my purse, and then you give me that book or let me into this concert. Cool! The world of saving and investing is completely beyond my comprehension at this point. Probably always will be. I'm sure my priorities will change with time, but right now, I just want to live. Janeka and I drank at Trops for about four hours tonight and it was amazing. We must've smoked 30 cigs between the two of us. I'm so blessed to know such a beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful woman. Everything she is inspires me. I knew it from the first time we talked that we would be old together, laughing and drinking and probably still smoking. Ah, love. So, earlier today... we were discussing advertising ethics in class... we got on the subject of the Dove campaign for "real beauty" .. I dunno, I'm heavily opinionated on this subject.. I feel like advertising by default, must appeal to our core values to be effective. They're finally wise to the fact that every fucking woman in America is oppressed by the images of "perfection" we see on television and in movies... they understand that WE understand, to a degree, that standard is unobtainable. As a result, they structure an ad. campaign around making women feel good about themselves--but not too good. If they were feeling completely confident about themselves, they wouldn't buy all their useless face creams and har products. I am, in absolutely no way, professing to be immune to the effects of advertising. I'm enunadated by it also, and while I try to be more critical, you can't completely remove yourself from culture and socialization... yeah, I mean, I guess I want nice hair? nice skin? Why not? Anyway, back to the point... The thing that really gets to me is that the women they feature in their commercials are by no means "UN"attractive. They certainly are't models, but they definitely don't look like lunch ladies or ER nurses or grandmas. They look like someone just "imperfect" enough to pass off for their bullshit attempt to selll us more, make more money, make more money. I don't appreciate it... I mean, yeah, tight... if you're gonna get empowered by watching a fucking tv commercial with some "regular" looking women who, I'm assuming are in fact, actors.... then get that. I'll get mine from Adrienne Rich. I think its probably good for much younger girls.. who really don't know anything about airbrushing and tummy tucking and fake hair. But for me, I'm just not falling for the fact that you're doing osmething sooooo good and look, we didn't use rail-thin models... we care about women's self-esteem. That company only cares about making sure these women continue to buy their products. Man, Nike does it to.. it's just gross...

 

this got real long real quick. i should work on homework more. the sun's coming up. <3

(this was originally intended for a bulletin, but they are down, so i'm making it a blog temporarily. please share your opinions.)

will someone please tell me why the number one story on the stephens (which is, by the way, an all FEMALE "liberal"arts school?!) homepage is about a stephens alum helping don motherfucking imus rebuild his image (actually a link to an article from the tribune)?

http://www.columbiatribune.com/2007/Dec/20071206News010.asp

and i wonder...
would stephens be so willing to post this link if karith foster was white? not that i doubt her ability, but i think this situation begs the question... would she have even been hired for the job?
...and why am i reminded of jesse jackson validating kramer's racist ass in '06?

my favorite quote from the article (from a former stephens professer, no less):
"Imus will be a good platform for her because she's outspoken, and if Imus gets out of line, she'll reel him back in," Blakemore said.

do they proof this shit AT ALL before publication? do they have any idea how poorly chosen those words were?! pleeeeeease perpetuate some more stereotypes.

i'm all about commending women, especially those from stephens, who are doing great things in the world...

...but, argue with me if you'd like, i just don't believe saving some racist, sexist motherfucker from public defamation is particularly noteworthy or something stephens, as a women's college with a culturally diverse student body, should be really psyched on, either.

i say, let that pig drown in his mistake... it's not like he doesn't have millions of dollars to live on for the rest of his life... why does he still even HAVE a radio show?

america makes me sad.

Okay, as I am awake at an absurd hour studying, I find myself using the internet as a distraction stress/reliever every few hours... So, the stupid AOL page pops up and I see an article in the entertainment section titled "10 Women We Love to Hate". Always eager to criticize female exploitation and stereotyping within the media, I click on the link and proceed to read the following paragraph...

10 Women We Love to Hate
"There are women we love, there are women we hate, and then there are these ten women: celebrities we know and love, and sometimes love to hate. Donna Summer sang, "love to love you baby," but there is just something about these women that makes us do the opposite. From Oprah to Tyra to Kim Kardashian, what is it about these black female celebrities that makes us love to hate them?"

I REALLY HOPE YOU CAUGHT ALL THE GLARING REASONS THIS IS THE MOST SHOCKINGLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF SHIT EVER!!!--well, granted, not EVER, but certainly the most blatantly racist/sexist thing I've ever seen on AOL. Not to mention poorly written! I mean I was already offended by the simple title of "10 Women We Love to Hate"--but then to go ahead and explicitly say "black female celebrities"?! Ten black ladies we hate! OH man, yeah, do that, AOL!

I couldn't even make it past the first section, about Kimora Lee Simons... it was so intense I didn't bother reading the rest for fear of riling myself to the point of like, calling the AOL Headquarters and telling them the fuuuck off.. anyway, it says the following (the bold letters are my doing, it wasn't in the article that way):
"Kimora Lee Simmons annoys the world with her braying loud voice and her over-the-top sense of fashion. Not to mention, she stole that hottie Djimon Hounsou right from under the noses of women everywhere. "

Way to fucking reinforce ignorant and archaic stereotypes of the black woman as flamboyant/ostentatious/abrasive...and yes, just as I suspected, according to thefreedictionary.com, to "bray" literally translates as "to utter the loud, harsh cry of a donkey." (I suppose they simply meant 'loud' but this is an especially interesting word choice, considering the fact black slaves AND donkies were exploited for labor by the white supremecist capitalist patriarchy. and NO, I'm not linking the two beyond that.. while I'm an animal rights actvist, I don't believe the plight of the donkey is comperable to that of the slave by any means, simply that they were both used, essentially, as machines to exercise white power and greed.)--BUT I DIGRESS! "SHE STOLE THAT HOTTIE RIGHT FROM UNDER THE NOSES OF WOMEN EVERYWHERE!" Again, reinforcing stereotypes that were originally instituted by slavery. The black woman (and man, for that matter--Tom Robinson, anyone?) as sexually savage and permiscuous, animalistic and "always wanting it"-- these hateful, unfounded stereotypes were simply a way of ensuring slave owners ability to rape their female slaves anytime they had the urge to do so. This way, if she ever tried to object or tell anyone, no one would even consider believe her or doing anything about it---the same way the media RAPES AND EXPLOITS WOMEN today Also, why must they use the verb "steal"? Again, the concept of black as devient, criminal, even. and apparently, she "stole" this fellow--who, by the way, i've never even fucking heard of---"from under the noses of women everywhere" ohhhh yeah, way to enforce the idea that women are catty, backstabbing bitches and give a god damn flying fuck who other women are dating.. because I guess the self-worth of a woman is entirely linked to the MAN she's with!? Fuck THAT. Oh, yeah, and "women everywhere" are concerned about this---I'm sure there's a Ugandan woman RIGHT NOW saying "FUCCCCCCKKKK! I HAD MY EYE ON THAT FINE ASS Djimon Hounsou!" because women everywhere have nothing better to think about.

Sorry, I know I get really worked up about stuff like this, but FUCK! Just those few little paragraphs say so god damn much about western culture and how how far (not VERY) we've come and how little people are aware of STILL being inundated by nauseatingly ignorant stereotypes by our fucking garbage media! UUUGGGHHHH! WHHYYY???

Watch out, internet media, I'm about to send a letter to bell hooks!!!