Why would some one who is willing to give their life for a child allow them to live with someone for 17 years who made them so unhappy and why would they allow three other children remain in the home to be subjected to the unhappiness?

(I will make this one easier...I will make it multiple choice....)

a. The truth is the situation is not that horrible and the child/children are not unhappy, except for the normal level of unhappiness that is part of being a teenager stuck somewhere in between being a child and an adult.

b. The person is trying to appear as if she is some sort of hero and thay have some deep emotional issues that they are not dealing with in a healthy way.

c. The person only cares about one of the four children and they don't care about the one as much as they claim or they would have taken action to save the child much sooner.

d. both b and c

BUT I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU...

I ALWAYS TRY TO FIND THE POSITIVE AND HAVE EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING WHEN DEALING WITH PEOPLE, BUT I AM AM STRUGGLING WHEN IT COMES TO MY MOTHER.

IT IS 3:30A AND I CAN'T SLEEP. I AM SO DISGUSTED WITH HER. I AM NOT MAD. I AM NOT SURPRISED. I FEEL NO EMPATHY FOR HER. I FEEL NO SYMPATHY FOR HER. I FEEL NO LOVE FOR HER. I FEEL NOTHING BUT DISGUST.

SINCE I HAVE LAST POSTED SHE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT A PAIN IN MY ASS. I FEEL GOOD ON THE DAYS I DO NOT HAVE CONTACT WITH HER AND SICK ON THE DAYS I DO. I HAVE NO DOUBT THAT MY CHOICE TO CLOSE HER OUT OF MY LIFE A YEAR OR SO AGO WAS THE RIGHT CHOICE. I ALMOST FORGOT HOW SHE MADE ME FEEL.

IN ONE CONVERSATION WE HAD SHE TOLD ME SHE CHOSE NOT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY GIRLS BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T STAND ME. THEN SHE TOLD ME TO BUTT OUT AND NOT TELL HER ANYTHING I FELT ABOUT TYLER BECAUSE SHE HAD RAISED 3 KIDS AND TWO OF THE THREE TURNED OUT FINE. THEN SHE TOLD ME TYLER NEEDED TO ADJUST AND COULDN'T VISIT ME AT THIS TIME. I TOLD HER THAT IF SHE REALLY CARED ABOUT HIM SHE WOULD ENCOURAGE HIM TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME NOT TRY AND KEEP HIM AWAY. SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDN'T REALLY CARE WHAT I THOUGHT BECAUSE SHE HAD NO RESPECT FOR ME AND I NEEDED TO KEEP MY NOSE OUT OF IT. I POINTED OUT THAT I HAD ASKED HER TO DO THE SAME THING FOR ALL HIS LIFE AND I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD THE RIGHT TO TO TELL HER THAT AS HIS MOTHER, BUT AS HIS GRANDMOTHER SHE WAS OUT OF LINE TRYING TO TELL ME HOW TO PARENT. IT WAS LIKE BEATING MY HEAD INTO A BRICK WALL, SO I TOLD HER I WOULD CALL TYLER AND IF HE WANTED TO STAY I WOULD NOT DEAL WITH HER, BUT WAIT FOR THE COURTS AND IF HE WANTED TO COME HOME HE WAS COMING HOME. I CALLED AND HE WANTED TO COME HOME. I CALLED AND TOLD HER AND SHE SAID THAT WAS FINE SHE WASN'T LOOKING FORWARD TO TAKING ON THE RESPONSIBILITY OF RAISING HIM AT HER AGE, BUT SHE LOVED HIM SO MUCH SHE WOULD GIVE HER LIFE UP FOR HIM. (GAG) I REMINDED HER THAT I HAD GIVEN HIM 17 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND SHE SAID, "AND SUCH AN UNHAPPY LIFE IT HAS BEEN FOR HIM." I TOLD HER SHE HAD TO PLAY BY HER OWN RULES AND KEEP HER JUDGEMENTS TO HERSELF. I CALLED AND TOLD TYLER I WOULD BE THERE AFTER I GOT OFF WORK AROUND 11P AND SHE TOLD HIM I HAD TO COME NOW OR SHE WOULD CALL THE COPS. IF I WANTED HIM I HAD TO SKIP WORK AND COME NOW. TYLER KEPT SAYING "MOM COME GET ME." I TOLD HIM BEFORE HE MADE THE CHOICE TO COME HOME HE NEEDED TO THINK REALLY HARD, BECAUSE THE RULES WOULD NOT CHANGE AND SHE WOULD NOT LET HIM COME BACK AGAIN, SO IF I HAD TO CALL THE COPS HE MAY END UP LOCKED UP. HE SAID OKAY AND FOR ME TO JUST COME AND GET HIM. I FINALLY GOT MY MOTHER TO AGREE ON ME GETTING HIM AFTER SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY. THEN TYLER CALLED AGAIN AND I REMEMBERED THAT SHE HAD HIS PHONE TURNED BACK ON (ANOTHER STORY) AND I TOLD HIM THE PHONE WOULD BE TURNED BACK OFF IF HE CAME HOME BECAUSE MY RULES WERE THAT HE HAD TO SHOW RESPONSIBILTY BEFORE HE HAD A PHONE. HE GOT UPSET AND ENDED UP SAYING HE WANTED TO STAY WITH HER. I TOLD HIM THAT WAS FINE AND I WAS NOT MAD AND I WOULD STILL BE THERE FOR HIM WHEN HE NEEDED ME. HE TOLD HER HE WAS STAYING AND SHE SAID OK....SO THAT IS WHERE HE IS. I DON'T LIKE IT AND I WISH HE WAS HERE, BUT I CAN'T CHANGE THE RULES OR PROMISE HIM THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT IF HIS ACTIONS REMAIN THE SAME. HE WOULD HAVE THE WRONG MESSAGE AND WOULD BE MORE UNRULY THEN WHEN HE LEFT. IT WAS HARD TO NOT GIVE IN BECAUSE I WANT HIM WITH ME AND BECAUSE I HATE HIM BEING WITH HER MORE THAN ANYTHING...I SEE ONE OF TWO THINGS HAPPENING AND BOTH ARE POSITIVE FOR HIM. THEY COULD BOTH FIGURE OUT THE TRUTH ABOUT ONE ANOTHER AND SEE THAT THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM TO BE. THE OTHER THING THAT COULD HAPPEN IS THAT BECAUSE I HAVE DEALT WITH ALL OF THIS ALONE FOR 17 YEARS AND THERE IS SO MUCH FRUSTRATION BUILT UP AND I AM GROWING TIRED OF RUNNING INTO DEAD ENDS WITHIN THE "SYSTEM" LOOKING FOR SUPPORT THAT SHE MAY BE ABLE TO GET SOMEWHERE WITH HIM. I WOULD LOVE THAT FOR HIM, BUT HATE IT FOR HER BECAUSE IT WOULD OF COURSE BE DUE TO THE FACT THAT SHE IS SO WONDERFUL AND I DID SUCH A BAD JOB. ALTHOUGH I WANT HER TO FAIL, I WANT HIM TO SUCCEED EVEN MORE.

THE STORY ON THE PHONE...

MY AUNT IS THE ONE WHO GOT HIM THE PHONE ON HER PLAN AND SHE TURNED IT OFF BECAUSE I ASKED HER TO BECAUSE OF HIS BEHAVIOR. SHE TOLD ME SHE WOULD RESPECT WHATEVER I WANTED AND SUPPORTED ME. WHEN HE CALLED ABOUT THE PHONE, I CALLED HER AND TOLD HER I DID NOT WANT IT TURNED ON, BUT BECAUSE I KNOW MY MOTHER, I TOLD HER TO GO AHEAD AND TURN IT ON IF SHE MY MOM STARTED GIVING HER A HARD TIME, BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS FAIR FOR HER TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH MY MOTHERS SHIT. JUST AS I THOUGHT, MY MOM CALLED MY AUNT AND WITH TYLER RIGHT NEXT TO HER BEGAN TELLING MY AUNT THAT SHE DID NOT REALLY LOVE TYLER AND IF SHE DID SHE SURE DIDN'T SHOW IT. SHE SAID IT THREE TIMES IN FRONT OF TYLER AND MY AUNT WAS CONCERNED AND DID NOT WANT HIM TO THINK SHE DIDN'T LOVE HIM. IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS IT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAT HE KNOWS HE LOVED THAN HIM NOT HAVING THE PHONE...REALITY WILL TEACH HIM ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY IN DUE TIME. MY AUNT SAID SHE YELLED AT HER AND MADE HER CRY (MY HERO). SHE SAID MY MOTHER ALSO SAID SHE WANTED HER IN TYLER'S LIFE BECAUSE HE NEEDED EVERYONE WHO LOVED HIM AND CARED ABOUT HIM. MY AUNT SAID, "AND THAT INCLUDES HIS MOTHER. SHE LOVES HIM AND IS ONLY TRYING TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR HIM." MY AUNT SAID THERE WAS NOTHING BUT DEAD SILENCE ON THE PHONE. SHE NEVER CALLED MY AUNT TO THANK HER OR TELL HER THE PHONE WAS ON. SHE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED AND THAT WAS IT. SHE USED TYLER TO GET HER WAY AND DOESN'T EVEN THINK TWICE ABOUT WHAT SHE IS DOING TO HIM. TRUST ME, IF TYLER WAS NOT 17 YEARS OLD I WOULD NOT ALLOW HIM TO LIVE THERE. BESIDES, HE NEEDS TO FIGURE HER OUT FOR HIM SELF.

TODAY SHE CALLED AND ASKED ME SOME THINGS ABOUT HIS IEP AND I COULD ALMOST TALK TO HER WITHOUT HAVING THE URGE TO VOMIT. I WAS TRYING TO TELL HER TO BE CAREFUL WHEN SHE TRIED TO PUSH FOR THINGS BECAUSE HIS LAST IEP STATES THAT DUE TO HIS AGE HE COULD GET CONSEQUENCES FOR NOT FOLLOWING THE PLAN HIMSELF. SHE GOT PISSED  AND SHORT AND SAID, "I WENT THROUGH THIS WITH YOUR BROTHER, I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING." I SAID, "I HAVE BEEN THROUGH STATE TRAINING AND HELPED ADVOCATE FOR OTHER KIDS WITH IEPS ON TOP OF DOING IT FOR TYLER, SO YOU MAY WANT TO LISTEN, SO TYLER SOESN'T GET SCREWED." SHE SAID, "I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE." THEN HUNG UP THE PHONE. WHAT THE FUCK IS HER PROBLEM? IS SHE AFRAID I MAY KNOW MORE THAN HER? IS SHE JUST PSYCHO? WTF?

A FEW HOURS LATER, I CALLED TYLER AND TOLD HIM TO MAKE PLANS TO COME AND SEE ME THIS WEEKEND. HE SAID SOMETHING TO HER AND SHE SAID SHE WOULD HAVE TO SEE. SHE IS SUCH A BITCH AND SHE HAS THIS STRONG NEED TO CONTROL THINGS THAT IT OVER POWERS HOW SHE IS EFFECTING TYLER. HE GETS STUCK IN THE MIDDLE AND UPSET. HE ENDED UP IN TEARS DURING THE THE OTHER CONVERSATION. I JUST TELL HIM TO RELAX AND BE CALM AND NOT WORRY. HE SAID HE WANTED TO COME HOME, BUT MY MOTHER TOLD HIM SHE WOULD PAY FOR DRIVING SCHOOL AND A CAR. HE SAID HE WOULD GET MORE IF HE STAYED THERE. I TOLD HIM HE HAD THE SAME OPPORTUNITIES HERE, BUT IT WOULD BE HARDER, BECAUSE WITH ME, HE WOULD HAVE TO CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOR TO GET THOSE THINGS TO ME. I TOLD HIM THAT HE NEEDED TO FIGURE OUT IF HE WANTED TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT AND STAY WITH HER AND GET "THINGS" OR TAKE THE HARDER WAY AND BEHAVE HOW HE IS SUPPOSED TO AND BE WITH HIS FAMILY.

I AM NOT SURE WHICH DIRECTION HE WILL TAKE, BUT I KNOW HIM AND EASY IS USUALLY HIS CHOICE. HE WILL PROBABLY STAY AND TAKE THE STUFF FOR A WHILE. HE MAY SURPRISE ME AND THAT WOULD BE GREAT, BUT WITH HER INFLUENCE I DOUBT IT. SHE WILL SAY AND DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO COME OUT ON TOP AND SHE WILL DO IT IN AT TYLER'S EXPENSE. HE KNOWS WHO HAS BEEN THERE FOR HIM AND SOON HE WILL FIGURE OUT THAT WHAT SHE GIVES HIM ALWAYS COMES WITH STRINGS ATTACHED AND HE IS TOO MUCH LIKE HIS MOTHER TO BE MANIPULATED AND CONTROLLED.

TIME WILL TELL.....

Well, Tyler went to see a probation officer today and I have to decide what I want to do about him living in my home. If it goes in front of the judge it will most likely be determined that he needs to removed and the first place they will try to place him is with a relative. I have a few choices, I can find his father's address and or phone number give it to the probation officer and they will see if he will take him, but he doesn't have to...somehow that seems a bit unfair to me...My other option is to see if there is a relative willing to take him. The only person who would would be my mother.

Here is what has been going through my mind as I try to figure out which way to go. I am fairly certain it is time for him to leave the house. He cusses me and his sisters. He does what he wants, tears up the house, skips school, refuses to find a job and disrespects everyones feelings and belongings. The girls deserve to be free of the stress and drama he causes them.

With that decided I have to decide if where he would go. My first choice is his father. I think part of his problem is his father being absent and he just needs to know him. When he did see him about a year and a half ago, Tyler showed him more respect than I ever saw him show anyone in his life. He needs him, but I doubt his father will step up.

The other option is my mother. Obviously, I do not feel like living with her is in his best interest. Not only does she protect him from consequences and send him the message that others are to blame for his actions, she has this twisted desire to destroy me and I fear will lose him forever and never have a relationship with him. It may sound as if I am being a bit extreme, but I am not. Tyler looked at me and said, "Mom, Mamaw hates you more than anything." He wasn't even being hateful when he said it. I figured out a long time ago, it is not me she hates. She hates the guilt she has about things she did as a parent. I spoke with Tyler's psychiatrist about her and she says it seems to her that she feels guilty for her parenting and thinks that she can prove herself by saving Tyler. Which also makes sense as to why she has nothing to do with the girls...they don't need saved and a relationship with them would not make her guilt go away. Anyway...Tyler called and asked her if he could live there and she told him she would talk to my step dad and call him back. I am not sure if she called him back or not. She called my cell phone but I couldn't force myself to answer and I think she left a message, but I don't want to listen to anything she has to say. Which brings me to the next problem of him living with her. If he lives with her, she would have a field day trying to get control of me. She would make things hard. I do not want to end my relationship with Tyler, I just don't think him being here is healthy to any of us. I am not sure which is worse, Tyler living here and making things hell or having to deal with her in order to have contact with my son.

If she tells Tyler he can live with her, which she may not do because it would it would mean she would have to stop talking and start doing. I think she may make up an excuse, so she doesn't have to admit to herself or anyone else that she can't do any better than I have done. But, I think I will sign over guardianship to her. I don't see him making any changes before he turns eighteen in a year, so if she can do better, Tyler deserves the opportunity and the rest of us in the house deserve to live in peace.

When I spoke to my mom last which was a few weekends ago when she had Tyler for two nights and didn't even bother to let me know he was there, she told me she would make me pay support if he lived with her. Not that I have a problem with that, other than I think he needs to get off his ass and start learning to care for himself and it is just a fucked up example of how she will be if she has him. But, if the court orders support (which I doubt they will if I sign away parental rights) I will pay it and I will give her the $20 a week I get from his dad about twice a month.

I love Tyler and he knows it. I have to just have faith he will make it back to me someday.

Ok, I have tried my hardest to be positive and look on the positive side of all of this Randy, but I have to fight back!

Besides his regular pshcho shit all week, things haven't been too bad until today. On Monday I sent him a text telling him I would be able to get some people together to get my stuff towards the end of the week. He demanded to know who would be coming and I told him that I was not quite sure, but as long as it was not me or Darren, he really shouldn't worry about it. I also said that if he felt the need to be so picky, he could just deliver it himself. Long story short he decided to hire a moving company to bring me my stuff. After I made it clear I would not pay for it, I was fine with that. Shit, it may life a hell of a lot easier and I didn't have to subject anyone to dealing with his crazy ass! My theory is he is a big pussy and was scared I was going to have people at his house that would kick his ass.....which there are many people who would love to do it, but I don't play stupid games like that...and he didn't want to bring it to me for the same reason.

The guy from the moving company called to verify my address and he said that Randy wanted to know if my stuff was going in the house or the garage. I told him it was none of Randy's business where my stuff went. I told him it would go in both places, the majority of it in the garage.

Last night I thought of several things I wanted to make sure he remembered to get, so I sent him a text to remind him. His response was, "You want me to scrape the stain off the deck to?" I told him he could keep the stain and all the paint on the walls that I paid for and painted, but that I felt like I was entitled to have some of the things that I helped purchase while I lived there for a year. He never agreed or disagreed, so I just told him it was up to him as to whether or not I took him to small claims court for what I felt was fair and reasonable. Then I just had to wait and see what all the movers showed up with to determine what I would do next.

The movers showed up as scheduled and when they started to unload, the said they were told all the stuff could go in the garage and if I wanted anything brought into the house, I had to pay $70 and hour. I told them that I had talked to their boss on Friday and told him I had stuff to go in both the house and garage. He never mentioned it costing more, so after speaking to their boss, they agreed to move some items in the house. Can you believe the asshole tried to pull more of his childish shit...what am I saying...of course you can!!!

After that was all straight, they pulled out my compuer desk and there was a huge scratch on it. I asked what happened and they said that Randy and a couple buddies tried to make my smoker fir in the truck and must have scratched it on accident. I sent a text asking Randy what he planned to do about the damage and said the movers did it, not him. I told him the movers said he was a liar. He then went on to say that he spent $300 to have my stuff moved and that I needed to just let it go. What the fuck ever!! The asshole only paid $300 because he knows how wrong the shit he has pulled is and was scared to death someone may kick his ass, or even worse, they may not see him as Mr. Wonderfull, the innocent victim of women.

In between texts, the movers gave me the mail from Randy's house that was mine. Right on top was a copy of the protective order he had placed on me. I opened it up and read it and I realized he is either way crazier than I thought or he is just a low life piece of lying shit. Not only did he lie to get an order against me, he also put an order against me on his 5 year old son. The order was due to the fact that I had threatened to cause him physical harm....LIE...he described 3 incidents that occured; incident 1 occured on the day he went to get the order and it said, "Called her ex husband to come to my house who threatened me. Is supposed to move out and hasn't"...LIE...I did call, but because I was being threatened by Randy and Darren never threatened him once. He came so I could get my stuff for work and not be intimidated by Randy. I was supposed to move out, but had only been looking a few weeks. I had boxes packed in the bedroom that I showed the cops and Randy agreed to do the right thing and let me stay until I found a place.

Incident 2-Date Jan 08...LIE...mid march...it said, "Heather got angry, was drinking and hit me in the eye with a cell phone in her hand and injured my eye."...LIE...I did get angry and I did have 3/4 of a beer, but Randy was so drunk he fell out of bed when he tried to stand up to get in my face. I didn't hit him once, I hit him twice and I won't lie about that. He was up in my face screaming, "You fucking bitch. You loser fucking whore. I fucking hate you!" When I asked him to back off and he just puffed up his chest and got closer and louder, I punched him. when he got back in my face and said, "You want hit me you fucking nasty bitch...try it again!" Well, I did what he asked and punched him again. When I gathered my stuff and woke up the kids, so we could go to a hotel, he told my girls that there mother was a stupid fucking bitch. I am not sorry and I would do it again in those circumstances.

Incident 3-No Date...it said, "Has had time to find a place to live but is still there. Spends Nights at her ex-husbands and days at my house which prevents me from taking my 6 year old son there whom I have custody of." This one right here is the biggest, lie of all and the one that pissed me off enough to invest my time and energy into fighting this in court and making sure he paid for what he has done to me and my kids, Kathy and her kids, (including his own son), and to his three ex wives and any other female or child he has victimized in his 56 years alive. I am the one who watched and took care of his son for him for the entire week he was there. All this started on a Thursday night and Randy left Friday morning and was gone until Saturday. On Saturday he took Christian out to Kathy's and left him there to spend the night...mind you two days prior he drug the boy away from her house and his own birthday party kicking and screaming, because he said Kathy was a drug addicted whore and his son wasn't safe there. He had a court order signed by the judge giving him full physical custody and her having visits supervised by him only. So the truth is, I kept his son, knowing I was moving out, just because I wanted his mother to hit rock bottom and get the help she needed for her addiction and because I would do whatever I can for a child. When he figured out I was really leaving, he didn't know what to do about Christian, so he changed his mind about Kathy and she was now not using drugs, and all of this with the protective order was the perfect way to justify what was really him not wanting his son if I wasn't there to take care of him. PIECE OF SHIT. He screwed over every single persoon around, including his son, just because he didn't want the responsibility of being a responsible parent. Since I left, his son is only there a few hours a day...how in the hell is he going to explain that? Next lie...I stayed at Darren's two nights. The first night was the same night he left Christian with Kathy. She called to warn me that he was at a friends drinking and smoking pot and was already slurring his words and that it may be a good idea for me to go somewhere else, so I wouldn't be there when he came home drunk. The girls were already spending the night at Darren's, so I went and stayed there. The following day, I was back at Randy's (since he was sober) and I had two friends over and we were looking for apartments/houses. He was there and to say the least it was tense. I was not comfortable staying, so I told him I would stay somewhere else, but would be back to get my work stuff in the AM. The AM was Monday when everything happened...also, I had been positive that I was moving for a little over a week...to me that is not a reasonable about of time to find a place to live that is big enough for 4 kids.

I can't believe that he is such a prick. I got most of my stuff back today and really hoped I could be done dealing with him and move on. Now he has made a mistake. Now I will fight with all I have, if for nothing else, just for the opportunity to let everyone he fools know what a low life,  psycho son of a bitch he is. Thank goodness he is 56 and won't be alive too much longer.

DESPITE ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED, I CAN STILL SAY I AM BLESSED IN SO MANY WAYS AND AM LUCKY TO HAVE MY KIDS, MY FAMILY, AND MY FRIENDS.

PAIGE WROTE A BLOG ABOUT ME AND I WANT EVERYONE TO READ IT, SO YOU ALL CAN SEE WHAT A WONDERFUL DAUGHTER I HAVE.

PEOPLE AT WORK HAVE OFFERED ME THEIR HOMES, THEIR TIME AND MONEY, ANOTHER FRIEND OF MINE IS GOING TO LET ME AND THE KIDS STAY WITH HER UNTIL I SAVE MORE $$$ TO GET A PLACE. I FOUND A PLACE AND WAS GOING TO GO GET IT ON MONDAY, BUT IT WOULD TAKE ALL THE MONEY I HAD AND SINCE RANY TOOK ALL THE FOOD AND HAS MY COMPUTER THAT I WORK FROM, MY PAYCHECK IS GOING TO BE SHORT. I NEED FURNITURE AND ELECTRIC, ETC. SO STAYING WITH A FRIEND AND SAVING SOME CASH IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.

I BROKE DOWN AND CALLED MY MOTHER, WHO I HAVEN'T TALKED TO IN MONTHS...AROUND CHRISTMAS WAS THE LAST TIME...SHE WAS AWESOME. SHE TOLD ME TO CALL SOME SHELTERS TO SEE ABOUT RESOURCES TO HELP WITH GETTING MY STUFF BACK FROM RANDY AND TO HELP WITH GETTING UTILITIES TURNED ON. SHE CALLED BACK THIS MORNING AND OFFERED TO LET ME EARN SOME CASH SELLING SOME PURSES WITH HER. SHE SAID SHE WOULD RATHER DO THAT THAN GIVE ME MONEY. I TOLD HER I DIDN'T WANT MONEY FROM HER AND I DIDN'T CALL FOR MONEY. SHE SAID SHE KNEW THAT, BUT HAD SHE NOT THOUGHT OF A WAY FOR ME TO EARN SOME MONEY, SHE WOULD HAVE JUST GIVEN ME MONEY. SHE WOULD HAVE, BUT I WOULDN'T TAKE IT. I FELT LIKE AN ASS BECAUSE I HADN'T CALLED HER IN SO LONG. AS MUCH AS I DO NOT LIKE HER SOMETIMES, THE MINUTE THINGS WERE BAD, I JUST WANTED MY MOM...AND SHE WAS THERE FOR ME.

RANDY PULLED MORE SHIT YESTERDAY AND NOW I CAN'T EVEN GO IN PERSON TO GET MY STUFF. I DID TALK TO THE MANAGER AT THE TRAILER PARK HE GOT ME BANNED FROM AND SHE SAID MY KIDS COULD COME IN AND SEE THERE FRIENDS AND I COULD BRING THEM, AS LONG AS I DIDN'T BOTHER RANDY. I TOLD HER THAT I RESPECTED HER TO MUCH TO DO THAT. I ALSO FOUND OUT RANDY IS TELLING PEOPLE I CALLED CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES ON THE MANAGER. I HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH HER A LONG TIME AND HAVE TALKED WITH HER A LOT, AS SHE HAS TWO STEP DAUGHTERS THAT HAVE ISSUES SIMILIAR TO TYLER'S. I WAS A BIT CONFUSED ABOUT HER SIGNING THE PAPERS TO GET ME EVICTED, BUT KNEW IN MY HEART SHE HAD A REASON...AND SHE DID...BESIDES THAT, I AM NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ANYONE. HE IS GOING TO DO WHATEVER HE CAN TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK BETTER, EVEN IF IT MEANS MAKING UP CRAZY SHIT. I AM SO GLAD I HAVE BEEN HONEST WITH PEOPLE AND HAVE SHOWN THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME THAT I AM A GOOD PERSON.

I HAVE REALLY BEEN SURPRISED BY ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT FALLING INTO HIS LIES...I GUESS BECAUSE I TRUSTED HIS INTENTIONS THAT I THOUGHT EVERYONE ELSE DID TOO, BUT HE HASN'T FOOLED PEOPLE AS MUCH AS I THOUGHT HE HAD.

EVERYONE WAS RIGHT...I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO GET PAST THIS! IT GETS TOUGH NOT TO GET OFF TRACK AND SPEND TIME TRYING TO GET EVEN WITH RANDY, BUT IN THE END HE REALLY ISN'T WORTH MY TIME.

I JUST REALIZED.....

I HAVE BEEN EVICTED FROM A MOTHER FUCKING TRAILER PARK!!!!

I THINK I SHOULD GET  A WHITE TRASH PERSON OF THE YEAR AWARD OF SOME SORT, DON'T YOU?

SOMEONE CALL JERRY SPRINGER OR MAURY!!!!

In my last blog I said I would explain how I ended up staying at Darren's when I left Randy's because I didn't want to be there when he came home drunk....

This whole thing is one of the most crazy situations I have ever found myself in. It was not expected and left my head spinning for a few days, as hard as it is to believe I promise it is true....

I already told the story of the email between Darren and me that Randy read and it was exactly what I said it was. I told him I still loved him and always would and wished it would have been different between us and that I hated  knowing I would miss him forever and that I would never be with the one person I had wanted to be with more than anyone in this world. I sort of said my good byes and that was it. Nothing changed. We still didn't speak much when we exchanged Emi and we barely even looked at one another...just like always. I wrote him again after Randy went nuts just to tell him Randy had kicked us out because he read the email and that I would let him know when we were moving and where we were moving to. I did this the last time I was kicked out, just because I would want him to do the same because we have joint custody of Emi. His kids came in town and somehow the girls all talked and they all wanted Paige and Rylee to stay the night with Darian at Darren's house. I had no reason to say no and they stayed and had a good time. Then out of nowhere, I got a message from Darren. I opened it up and all it said was "hi". May not seem like much, but Darren is one of the most stubborn people I have ever met in my life, so I was shocked to get that little "hi" from him. I wrote him back and we talked a bit about this and that and it ended up that I told him I would call him the next day. I called and I went by and hung out with him and the kids for a bit. This all took place late last week and I can;t even recall how or when everything was said, but at some point the stubborn ass finally told me he loved me and was miserable without me and that he would do whatever it took to be with me. That is a huge step for Darren and it sucks that it took him so long to figure it out, but I am glad he did. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone and want to be with him , but I have learned a few things from my experience with Randy....

I learned that you can not do things you know are not right and expect to have no consequence. Before Darren and I split up, I had started going to church and working on a relationship with God. About the same time we split up, my church fell apart and the pastor was voted out. I liked this church and I really liked the pastor and I cried so hard the day the result of the vote was announced that the pastor couldn't even process what happened, because he was trying to comfort me. This whole thing didn't make me bitter with God, but it did confuse me and it did make me question the people who did this and wonder how these Christians could do the things they did. So, no Darren and no church. Randy came along and boy he was able to suck me right into his trap. Darren swears he was hitting on me before we split up, but he really didn't...at least not in the way Darren thought. What Randy did was act like he was my friend and like he was a supportive guy who wanted to make sure I was ok. He didn't do anything inappropriate, because he was smarter than that. He acted like a perfect gentleman and I feel for the shit. He did not ask me to come and hang out because he wanted a friend. He wanted me to hang out with him so he could take advantage of the situation I was going through, so he could get what he wanted....which was me, a young attractive female to make him look like he was all that. I knew from the start that I should not be with Randy while I was still married to Darren, even though he had moved out. I avoided going to church because that would mean I would really be saying, "God, I know I am not doing the right thing and I am sorry, but I am not going to stop, because I am doing what I want and you can just punish me, because I won't stop." I kept telling myself that I would fix it by going to church, but I talked myself into waiting until Randy and I were married, that way I would be married and then it wouldn't be wrong anymore. Well, I guess God figured he had given me a year and a lot of red flags and my time was up. He let me have it and he let me have it good. I have no home, no clothes,and no furniture...and I am not having much luck finding a place that I can afford in an area I want my kids to live.

I have also learned that I have to let go of things and let God be in control. Last night when Randy and the cops told me I could not have my stuff, I was mad as hell. I couldn't stand the fact I couldn't have my stuff when I wanted it. But, I figured out there was not a thing I could do about it. I have the means to get clothes and the other things I need and it isn't fair and it isn't the way it should be, but I can sit around and whine about it or I can let it go because I can't change it. In the end, he can't legally keep my stuff and although he has taken my money and now refuses to give me and my kids our stuff, in the end all I stand to lose are material things. I have what is important....my kids and the lesson.

The other thing I figured out about myself is I have a habit of wanting something so much that I over look small things that are in the way, because I want the end result/bigger picture so badly. Example; I have been looking at houses for me and Jimmy to move into. We found what I saw as the perfect place for us. It has a nice chunk of land, a lake in the front yard, a garage with what could be an apartment attached, another seperate garage, and it is set up in a way that would be perfect for Jimmy and I...it is together, but it spilt in such a way that he would have his own space and I would have mine. The rent is in our price range, it needs a bit of cleaning and it is a bit rough, but it could be an awesome place. What I did not see were the small details that Jimmy had to point out to me and say, "This is shit that you will hate after a while and it will ruin what you see as the ideal place." The things consisted of, all the landlords shit in half the garage, a junk car in the driveway, a second drive way that Jimmy had to push my van out of because the grates for the drain were missing, gutters that were shot, the fact that the dock on the lake was rotting and was not safe, exposed wiring from the house to the lighting around the lake, a funky smell in the basement that may or may not go away when the sump pump is ran a few times, a stained white carpet in thew living room, over grown weeds in the yard, a cracked window in the living room and a lot of elbow grease to get it to "ready to move in" condition. I do the same thing in relationships, I overlook the small details because I want the happy ending. The small details end up not being so small after a while and turn into things that I can't stand at all.

Not only do I have to stop ignoring what seems to be a small thing, I have to stop pushing so hard to have things I think I want and need. I have to do what is right and focus on what is right and allow God to control things...even when I think I want and need something different.

I hope that all of this has happened because it needed to happen for Darren and I to have the happily everafter we both want, but reality is that may not be the case at all. I hope I find the perfect place to live and the things I need for the house all fall into place, but reality is I may end up with a home that is not at all what I want, but am forced to take due to availabilty or because I can't afford anything else. I hope my kids won't be affected by this and end up able to have fucntional/ healthy relationships, but the reality is they may have issues for the rest of their lives because of the choices I made.

Every bit of this sucks, but every bit of this was caused by choices that I have made and I will face the consequences and suck it up.

I also learned that too much pride is not a good thing. I knew shortly after Randy and I got together that he wasn't what I thought he was and I should cut my losses and move on. I stayed because I did not want to admit that I had made another bad choice. Not wanting to admit my mistake made it into what it is.

I was dead wrong for a lot of things and I screwed up...PERIOD!