I shouldn't miss but I think I will

The purposeful wandering

Can make things more clear

As of now I fill an empty vessel

It's tragic, yet kind of lame

To feel the mendacity sting

And I fill myself to the brink

With more than I can bear

I'm taking too much in

Wrapping tightly until I can't breathe

I shouldn't miss but I'm already aimless

I shouldn't feel grisly but my throat has locked up

I'm throwing segments out

But for what?

I didn't want to come to where I now stand

I was once locked up tightly

A prisoner happy when fed

Delicious lies, aromas charades

But now I choke on autonomy

Constantly suspect of its toss

To less than where I was

I shouldn't miss but here I go

Target amiss

Another new year, another new semester. Aaaaahhh, the unquenchable excitement!

But here we are, the subjects in question.....

Chemistry: What? More, you say? Indeed!

Psychology: I like it and it likes me...maybe. My teacher is pretty quirky. Kinda represents how you have to be your subject to know it. First thing he said was that his goal is to make half the class drop so he can have a smaller class. Should be entertaining.

Math: Basically a fresher course before I go to calculus. I suck at math and it gives me the finger every time. I have this class in a few hours and I still have no idea who the teacher is which kinda irks me. I like to have potential candidates scooped out so I don't get stuck with a quack.

Philosophy: I swapped this class from economics because the teacher was so horrible and now I'm not sure why. I don't really need it but I could use it to fill a humanities course. Philosophy, in my opinion, is the brokeman's job. And another class where I don't know who's teaching!

I've also joined the Phi Thetta Kappa at school which should get me some pretty good scholarships.

As for the new year: NO RESOLUTIONS!

This year I'm trying to take it day by day. No planning, just evil masterminded plotting....hehehehe.

Carry On!!!

It's a shame to let things slip for the most minuscule of reasons

To let a love go stale

Based on lies and isolation

To prove one's point and determination

To play a jester's game to shove in some focus

Little lies are always the beginning of an unwinding bond

So we'll plaster them with optimistic mendacities

Until we're good and settled

We'll risk some chances before getting lucky

And make nothing of apparent jealousy

Did I mention the coldness wrapped around your intentions?

Of course, they're only symbols of what's evident

Maybe I lost track of what's important

That youthful bud sprouting to existence and lacking experience

Who needs me now more than ever

Who am I to fool around with a lost cause?

You lied to me and I took it

You cheated and off I shook it

You flabbergasted me with deceit and I bore it

Like clothing that I washed time and time again

To bring back the purity of what we once had

You roar down on me with that innocence you hold

I watch the quandary unfold and patiently wait my turn

To say my piece, but then I hold my breath

What explanation do I have to owe to you?

You are not a martyr and I am not a detainee

We went our separate ways and you didn't once try to stop me

Yet now I should feel some culpability for being happy?

Some responsibility for the treachery you once gave me?

I don't think so

I hate that you've made me question my measures

My stance, my accord

I hate that you marvel upon your one, and only one, good quality

To make me feel less than what you are

It isn't fair yet I'm too frail to fight it

So I'll just give in

Here you have it, me for once, stating that you win

You can be the victim and I'll be the murderer

You can show off your wound and I can hide my own

As it fades away, we can say it never occurred and just live off my crime to you

But I'll have no proclivity to hang on to your fallacies

Or your drama that you cling to inside

All I can do is wait my time, my time to walk away

And hopefully it comes soon

All of these were written last night...and I serioulsy don't remember writing any of them but I thought it would be funny to post them here, unedited or messed with.....and! Please tell me which one you like the best.

Thanks!

~Untitled~

He extended his hand down her throat

Reached deep inside and yanked our her heart

Still beating in his hands and aware of the damage

This coward still had the nerve to ask her how she felt

"Heartless" she replied as she used her hands to symbolize

The emptiness inside yet it had always been there all the time

"I think I'm soulless too" she decided

"A good combination" he pondered out loud

Distracted by his theories, he didn't see the knife she plunged into him

He looked down, watching the blood ooze along the edges of her

Sharp attack, more amused than surprised

He pulled her closer, his fingers running through her hair

She fondled the handle on the dagger, somewhat pleased

Standing there, bleeding together

Perhaps the way it was meant to be

~Untitled~

She wants him badly for who he is

Not who he wants to become

Whatever he brought into her world

Was better than what she had before

Yet he doesn't see it

Why doesn't he see it?

Maybe his feelings aren't completely true

One can only attempt a chance so much

Eventually, she too will give up

Once the daydreams subside, and reality sets in

She'll be all alone again

Hating all the paramours in the world

Yet she'll always love him

Or maybe it's the idea of him

The possibility he presented

The future that could have been granted

Which she'll ignore

To get over the pain of being rejected

What a funny way to go

No title

I never thought my life could improve

But then I ran into you

You made my life so much brighter

I'm not a planner yet I made plans still

Maybe that's why they didn't run over well

I should know better but you're floating through my mind

I want nothing more than to be with you

Close to you, talking of nothing in particular

As long as we're simonies

I have more fingers than I can count

As the poison sets in

I want nothing more than to call you

Yet you won't hear me

You drew me into your web

And I feel bad for the way I left

That I left when I really wanted to stay

But the only way to leave was to disconnect myself from you completely

Because I know no other way

I have no sense of ground to stand on

my body feels weightless as though I could just start to float

my brain feels foggy and there's this tighness in my throat

i fight myself to keep from feeling shame

i fight not to pick up the phone and dial out to nowhere

but there's no fight left in me

only this empty hollow hole

if you could look inside, you'd see no heart beats

all the misery accompanies me yet i don't want to let you go

so you let me go instead

I never loved nobody fully

always one foot on the ground

and by protecting my heart truely

I got lost in the sounds

I hear in my mind

all these voices

I hear in my mind

all these words

I hear in my mind

and it breaks my heart

Suppose I never ever met you

Suppose we never fell in love

Suppose I never ever let you

Kiss me so soft and so sweet

Suppose I never ever saw you

Suppose you never ever called

Suppose I kept on singing love songs

Just to break my own fall

Just to break my fall

all my friends say

That of course it's

gonna get better...

-RS

I am not deserving of a love as pure as yours

I am not able to grasp it without trembling hands

I am much too anxious, contemptible of what you're asking for

But you do seem to value who I am

I want to give you all the things that you're asking for

If only I knew where to look

But my eyes are getting sore

I need to feel you, want to breathe you as you rock me back and forth

A nestled inamorata in your arms, contemplating more

Hope is unattainable, I think I know better

Better enough than to embrace you too close

Before you wander off weathered

Beaten down by my own murkiness

I'd hate to see you go astray

Due to anything that I may do or say

I am not deserving of your patience

Even if it does me well

I'm out there in a loop of stars

There's no telling when I'm coming down

I can deflect your light to a point but I'll always fall behind

There's no hope for when my trust declines

I want to be a better person

Whenever you're around

But I'm held down, face in the mud

I've been an ominous being for a while

And my soul is penetrated, can't you see I'm wounded

Bound to bring you only sorrow if you don't leave me now

I am much too foggy when it comes to love

It's not a word easily mumbled on my lips

You'd think I'd know better but then I'd catch you glance at me

I swoon into you as your hands gently grasp my hips

I am not deserving of your dreams and wishes

Because when you know me better

You'll see I have not much to offer

Except pennies for the well

Yet I want to give you what you want

Sometimes, just sometimes, all we really need is a clean slate; a way to leave behind the messiness that we've managed to accumulate in our lives. A breathe of fresh air so to speak.

We change careers, get new apartments and shape up physical attributes but in the end all the disarray we managed to leave behind follows us or just appears in another form.

 We're always detoxifying ourselves mentally and physically in one way or another. The physical is so much easier than the emotional. It's like trying to quit an addiction like smoking or crystal meth. Painful yet you know its best.

We make these tough decisions, trying to achieve the better good in and for ourselves and loved ones, and of course we second guess ourselves while doing it since it's only natural to hesitate. There are just so many angles to a particular problem to consider despite its severity. Most of the time, we know the logical thing to do yet we shy away and cling on to our demons, grasping for a strand of something familiar, something similar to what we had before. Therefore, you're not really leaving that chapter in your life but replacing it with a new face or space.
This doesn't necessarily make you a masochist but sometimes it's easier to give in to something you already expect or are familiar with, regardless of how painful that situation is simply because the unexpected can potentially be so much more scary and unbearable so we choose to play it safe. Or in other cases, we go back to what we had before for that nice predictability of it all. It's easier to stay focused and determined that way and to also take it easy in your life.

But despite all that, sometimes that clean slate along with something unpredictable can be just what the doctor ordered. Otherwise, as in my case, you might just pass up an amazing opportunity, one you just may not get back.

I've blown a fuse as deep as the sea

I'm strangled by uncertainty

I start to remember more of that night

More things that were said as I'm too weak to fight

I saw what loomed before it came

That feeling in my gut, it was soon to begin

The change in me was swift and clear

I no longer abide, I no longer care

My life is not my own

My decisions in others hands

Handicap me with deceit

Weigh me down where the troubles seep

The season has changed over

My summer vanishes behind me

With that, all my choices

No room for opportunity here but plenty for you

I'm regretful for the beast in me

Tuned down to a feather

I'm now easily compliant

A joker with her tether

At this point it's only fury that has control

My poor brain is ravished by annoyance and loathe

I focus on the negative aspects to get me through

My pessimistic tranquilizer creates an optimistic truth

Am I more relieved than livid?

With my insecurity all gone

Should I be thankful for this blessing?

Or is it just a scenario gone wrong