Was today Day 10 of 20 for "Rogue River"? Damn, halfway through, and it hardly seems like that much time has passed. GF Lucinda Jenney & I are having a ball up here in Oregon, working hard to give you horror fans a lot of bang for your buck! Power went out today all over the area, but thanks to production's big handy generator, we kept shooting & made the day right on time. There was blood today, violence, shattered dishes and dobee dobee do (don't wanna give away too much!). We missed the trio of wild turkeys that usually visits location. One of the drivers yesterday said he saw what he took for a young mountain lion; if true, that may explain the missing turkeys, and, for matter, the missing family of deer! And yes, folks, it was 10 degrees today, and we are in the woods- no wonder all this wildlife is poking around: They're cold; they're hungry, and they're curious! How did you stay warm and/or dry today? Inquiring monsters want to know.  

That's the ad on the left side of this myspace screen. I'd click on it, but I don't want my GF to go Tiger on me. I ain't got a golf club, but if she got her hands on my chainsaw or my claw hammer or my straight razor or my frozen bone-in rib-eye, she could do me a lot of damage! She's in the next room of this cabin in the Oregon woods working her evil on a groggy half-nekked youth in "Rogue River," the movie we've been working on together for the last couple of weeks. My girlfriend- wow, watching her work, you definitely want to stay on her good side. That's why I'm there to encourage, but not to instruct (she don't want to hear it); I'm there w/ a handful of gummy bears (if she wants em- if not, I eat em!); I'm there to console but not to confuse (?). What's that got to do with Russian women? I haven't the foggiest. What's the big deal with them anyway? Is being from Russia something special? More special than a backwoods girl w/ two left feet from the US of A? Hell, Russian women don't even speakie no Engleesh. Come to think of it, maybe that's an asset, hardee har har. No, wait, honey, it was just a joke. Baby, sugar, snookums, put down that paper cutter. Ow, come on, sweetie, I didn't mean you. Help, folks, help meeeeee!!!!!!

This is Bill's girlfriend. You're on my side, right? Inquiring monsters want to know.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! There's plenty to be grateful for, even if you have to look hard to find it. Me, I'm grateful for the kids, the kats, Lucinda, my health, my 10-year-old car that keeps on choogling, my new music with Rani Sharone (Spider Mountain), my old music with Buckethead (Cornbugs), my family, friends, home & hearth, Mr Hanky & Blooey (the beaky bird & the beta fish), Josephine the chihuahua, Choptop, Otis, Luigi Largo, Johnny from "Night of the Living Dead," this cuppa coffee, the pumpkin pie my 11-year-old made last night (Lord, let it not kill Aunt Laurie!), pant pant- did I say my 91-year-old mother up there in beautiful Bozeman, Montana? My Purple Aces sweatshirt? The hair on my head? The internet, the outer net, fishing nets, hair nets- oops, I'm getting silly now. What are you grateful for on this Thanksgiving Day? Inquiring monsters want to know.   

Chilly morning for LA. I'm shirking my responsibilities to my animals- all except the beta fish: four pellets for you, my little blue friend. It's the start of another week, and mercifully I'm home until the end of the month, MY month. It's autumn, and even in LA you can feel it. I remember an old Johnny Carson joke about how you can tell it's autumn in LA: people are out raking the plastic leaves. My 11-year-old & her hardy little friend went swimming in the ocean yesterday. That reminded me that I don't think I've been in once this year. Five miles from the Pacific and my only swimming's been in people's pools. Oh, well. I'm tired from staying up last night after eating a handful of dark chocolate-covered raisins. My GF & I rolled around in bed, laughing & farting till late, late, late, and now I'm groggy & not a little stupid. Gym's up next- chest & shoulders? Don't have much to do today after my big signing yesterday in Burbank, CA, for "Girls & Corpses" magazine. No wonder Monday's such a letdown. Hey, maybe if I ate another handful of these choco-covered raisins...Kinda like the magic beans Jack (of beanstalk fame) traded for the family cow. How are you feeling today? Inquiring monsters want to know.  

thanks, everybody, for all your birthday greetings. My dear old mother once told me that I was due October 31- she was waiting for me with a plastic pumpkin filled with candies- but I held out until Veteran's Day (11/11). Hey, man, I'm a peace child at heart. I can still scratch my own back, thanks God, hanging out here in beautiful Bozeman, Montana- nice place to start another year on planet Earth! Had a real nice steak dinner last night at Sir Scott's Oasis in nearby Manhattan, MT; just glugged down a free cuppa coffee from the lobby dispenser of this hotel. I'm headed over to see 91-year-old Mom one more time before I fly off to LA by way of Denver, CO. Big Birthday Plans tonight? Dinner at my 11-year-old's favorite Chinese restaurant and then early to bed with her sexpot mother! Out my hotel room window I can see snow on the mountains south of Bozeman. I'd like to be hiking up there, but after Crypticon in Minneapolis and this visit to Big Sky Country, I'm ready to head to sweet home LA- gettin' a little road weary, folks. You ever been road weary? Inquiring monsters want to know.

Headed north to Minneapolis today, then Bozeman, MT, Monday. It's Crypticon time in Bloomington (MN)- I hope I see you there (crypticon.com for directions)-and time to drop in on my 91-year-old mother next week in Big Sky Country! Mom's a tough old bird, and she's still as clear as a bell. A key to her longevity just might be the fresh air of Montana and the TLC they give her at her board-and-care. It's good to keep in touch with the family (if you can hack it!); otherwise, I've heard just keep it to news, weather & sports, and you avoid all those difficult entanglements. Family's like a minefield for some, and with Thanksgiving coming up, it's prudent to go into that "family season" with a battle plan. I love Minnesota; when i was a kid I used to attend canoe camp up there on Rainy Lake in International Falls. Love the canoeing, the fishing, and man, is it ever chainsaw country (er, lotsa trees, henh henh)! This'll be my last convention in 2009, and once again, I've had a ball crisscrossing the USA, meetin' & greetin' the far-out fans who love good horror. There's something uniquely cool about us (yup, I'm one, too!), and I don't want to go all gooey or nuthin', but you know what I mean. Are you a horror fan, and if so, WHY? Inquiring monsters want to know.

Just back from the Fangoria Las Vegas horror con at the Palms Hotel & Casino on Flamingo Road in the middle of the reclaimed Nevada desert! Saw neither palm nor flamingo, but I chortled all weekend w/ the likes of Bruce Campbell, George Romero, Ken Foree & Tom Savini, caught the Rob Zombie show there Friday night (said hi to Rob & Sheri backstage), walked the red carpet for the World Premiere of "Dead Air" Saturday night w/ director Corbin Bernsen & co-stars Patty Tallman, Josh Feinman and Navid Negahban, and Sunday, well, I just laid low after the show closed and had room service bring me up a chicken noodle soup and a Cobb salad (named after Ty Cobb's brother, by the way!). So now I'm outta there, older, maybe wiser, not much richer, but my sense of humor remains alive & well (hardy har har har!). I get to shred a buncha junk mail, vacuum cat hair, pay some bills, ship some Cornbugs orders, do laundry, and then pack up all over again for a Thursday departure up to Minneapolis (well, Bloomington) for the awesome Crypticon convention this coming weekend! 11/11/2009 should find birthday me in Bozeman, Montana, looking in on my 91-year-old mother and then hopping a plane or two back to Los Angeles. Darn, I'm feeling like the Willy Loman of the horror circuit! Are you busting your butt these days? How come and to what end? Inquiring monsters want to know.

Saturday a.m., up already (it's 9:22), fed the fish (Blooey gets 4 pellets of beta food), Mr Hanky (green-cheeked conure gets a slice of apple, a spray of millet), the cats (cleaned out their litter box, fed 'em potted Friskies salmon, refilled their water bowl). Kid loved her 11th birthday presents from some of my recent, exotic ports of call: green knit cap w/ logo of Worcester (MA) Tornadoes baseball team; Buddah night light & Year of the Tiger t-shirt from Epcot Orlando; skeleton Barbie doll, creepy Xmas tree ornaments, cool orange black cat backpack from Worcester Rock N Shock vendors, hand-crafted w/ that oh so evil feel! Finishing up my 1st cuppa coffee, hankering for another. It's Marion's birthday party today (two weeks after the official day), and we're headed down to Little Tokyo w/ a gaggle of her buddies to browse the shops and feast on sushi. Girlfriend just hydrated the cat (two-inch needle delivers subcutaneous fluids to supplement age-weakened kidneys) in exchange for me making another pot of coffee- I took the last of the old pot; I can hear the fresh pot percolating in the kitchen as Jojo, the chihuahua, scratches my leg. Yes, just another exciting day here in Chainsaw Heaven. How's it going with you? Inquiring monsters want to know.        

Back in LA, back from Orlando, FL; New York City and awesome Worcester, Mass. "I traveled through rain, sandstorms & mud/Till I came upon a place they call the Bucket of Blood/ The admission was a dollar & a quarter to get in/ I flipped the ho a dime & I switched on in/When I got in, I ordered something to eat/They brought me a muddy glass of water and a tough-ass piece of meat" ("Bad Girl" by Baroness Bobo). Me? I'm headed out to the gym in a few minutes, plotting my next moves, henh henh. My comic book partner, Poland's own Szymon Kudranski, and I are about to publish our first joint effort, "Devil Deer," which should be available for mass consumption before year's end! And music partner Rani Sharone & I are hard at work on our Spider Mountain CD. We've already got one of our songs on the "2001 Maniacs: Beverly Hellbillies" soundtrack. (I suppose it helps to play Mayor Buckman in the movie, yee haw, but it's a fun song and darn-well plucked!) I've got back-to-back cons upcoming in Vegas (Fango con at the Palms Hotel over Halloween weekend), and then it's up to Bloomington, MN (Mall of America country!) for Crypticon November 6-8. After that, it's birthday time (11/11), so you might want to start thinking about what you're gonna get me. What would you get for the man who doesn't have everything? Inquiring monsters an to know. 

Sitting here in the United Air Red Carpet Club (actually the carpet is gray) at Boston's Logan Field, trying to duck all the sneezing people in here. I thought this was supposed to be an oasis in the airport wilderness, but it's actually a breeding ground for swiney flu! And all these loud, vapid cell phone conversations, oy! Makes me want to run out of here, screaming, or, or...Got a sweater on; got my ticket to ride (plane boards in an hour); got my business finished in Massachusetts. I'm gearing up for a five-plus hour return to LA; my hardcover copy of "Weaveworld" is in my backpack, and I'm a dingdong daddy w/ a plate to scratch! Hope my cats are okay- haven't seen em or Mr Hanky & the fish or my girlfriend & child in near two weeks, and I miss them creatures, both animal and human. Right now, I'm nobody's friend- hot, tired, dodging the sneezers, sick of all these corporate-speak phone calls. Think positive, think positive...hey, let's get out of this mausoleum and go look for a cheeseburger! Sound like a good idea to you? Inquiring monsters want to know.