'Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.' — Thomas Alva Edison
ive realized...
minus all the bullshit i've delt with business wise the past few weeks due to past bad ideas or just the economy falling...
that ive just been missing that spark...
that inspiration to keep pushing...
it's all become pattern, bullshit and "dealing with it"...
there was a time, that didn't matter...
and that'd i'd keep pushing no matter the obsticle...
however, this year i've just been in a pattern of necessity, continually beaten down (by legal, taxes, the economy) to keep up in order to not fail...
maybe i've just been distracted...
maybe i've just picked shitty "friends" the past few years that walked all over me and used me for this/that/the other...
maybe it's just been some of the negative (mostly female) influences in the past few years...
maybe it's that i'm just tired and need a new spark/direction...
but, again past some bad decisions haunting me, these past few months have been a barrage of bullshit just testing me to see how far down im willing to go and can take before i just quit...
with help from friends and family, ive kept my head up but not really headed to a new direction, just stayed afloat...
within the past week of seeing that i haven't pushed my potential or "spark" to go further, i've found new "motivation" to do so...
before I looked for motivation outside of myself as inspiration, however anyone within the merch business (minis one guy) has given me nothing but disappointment to look forward too and I've been just "doing out of necessity" more than pushing for a new direction to keep going...
i've just finally hit rock bottom and need a change...
dealing with all the emotional shit from the past 2 weeks, getting that out of my system, seeing friends on the mayhem tour, and just seeing that im just stagnent in all waters that i need to up my personal bar to get out of this funk...
i've come to that, i need to also change a bit of personal outlook with who i find as new "friends" in life...
maybe im just bitter in thinking that, as kevin sharp puts it, "I cannot help but wonder if this [person] has an agenda...."
but anymore, that's all I run into...
"single serving" friends for whatever flight they have in mind before going back to whatever it is they have on their agenda...
(this more so pointed to the jailbird and her bullshit last week) but still...
im tired of most people in general...
i know who my friends are as, even if i haven't talked to them in weeks, nothings changed between us and everythings cool...
no problems, no "life changing" questions, etc...
but those that if "something" in our friendship changes, and one of us needs to change gears, then all of a sudden its a problem...
makes for issues and granted, that happens from time to time...
but if all lines of communication are open, that will never happen...
I'm stupid, but not blind...
yet, I'm always the bad guy and just back off everytime which either makes it better or worse in the long run...
within the next week too much will change...
im getting a new car, starting my convention circuit (which still isn't 100% set), and hiring back an old employee part time to help align my business and paperwork...
hoping that that spark, will get me back into gear as she's a pusher... she's always busted my ass to do more, and as she's helped in all sides of my business (paperwork, merch and ran camera during video shoots) she knows/is comfortable with what I do... and as I've known her for years, without problem, maybe that's what I need to just get out of this bs...
not in that SHE, being female, is what I need...
but I just need a muse, a spark and a positive push to get my ass back in gear...
I've been either way more positive/negative this year depending on how shit is rolling at any point of my life...
but really, I just need to start pushing again...
getting shit rolling...
overcome the bs obsticles that pretty much every person and legal entity has thrown at me this year and just go with it...
so now that i've figured out the problem, "here's to bad ideas" in hoping that I can follow through in the coming weeks past the conventions heh :p