As of late, I've felt in a real rut. I havent been pushing myself. Don't get me wrong, I've been thinking about all the things I would like to change. Really most of the things I want to change are small tweaks here and simple little ideas I need to remember only a certain times in my like. Example: I have a horrible monring routine, rushed and I really wish I took the time to eat a better breakfast. So the solution I have noodled up for my lacking of a good health start to the day is BREAKFAST POWER SHAKE! Thats right ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take all the good things my body is deprived that would make it healthier and blend them all into one grey mass of liquid vitamins and minerals.
So, have I done this? NO, not at all. I haven't taken to step closer to making it in the mornings or creating a beta trail to see if I can even ingest such an invention.
This is one simple example of something I think about on a daily bases, yet don't act on making it a reality.
Which brings us to my new experiment. For the next week I will try my damnest(which at times isn't a lot) to stick with a fairly intense regiem Ive developed/written for myself.
Will I successed? Will fail in a matter of moments the second I wake up tomorrow? We will see.
I plan on checking back here every day for the next week to let you know of my progress(thats if I dont complete blow the experient and forget). I might even post the regiemn I'm following on here.

Wish me luck.

At least several times a day, I probably feel like a jerk, like I screwed someone over or I messed up somehow, usually it last only for a moment, like a quick pulsating toothache. It subsides and I go on with whatever is at hand, usually forgetting it after a short time, unless it pisses me off or it makes a good short story to tell others to make my life sound like it has some reminets of interest/excitment.

That got me thinking tonight at the Y, a thought I've probably have held onto since I was a child, because of its true simplicitiy and bluntness even a kid could grasp.

Everyone is a Jerk to someone else. Its impossible not to be. Everyone pisses off others. Kind of like living in sin, in a biblical way. Or we are all criminals in a legal sense, we all break the law at times. Tell me you don't go over the speed limit everyday. But yes, just like judging the speed limit, there is a lot of grey areas that comes with this. Unlike sin, there can be degrees of cinimals and jerks.

So does that mean I should just be like "Screw it, I'm a jerk, if you can't deal, get the hell away." No. Social decorum says there is a line of decency that shouldn't be crossed. BTW, where is this book of Social Decorum and where can I get a copy? Does it come out updated annually, like the Farmer's Almanac or Victoria Secret cataloge? I bet it has changed considerably over the years too, and the writters use to be all middle age white dudes and now its a very diverse group of editors from verying backgrounds and cultures but the book is now full of way more contradictions then in the past. I mean that in a nice way, but not really. But lets be serious, the old dudes were writing for old dudes for their world, and now the editors are trying to write for a HUGE demagraphic so they can't specific as much and are way more vague and P.C. What the hell am I going on about?

*wow, that title sounds really emo, doesn't it. Speaking(writing) of emo, when did emo take over the domain that goth use to hold to its own. I thought to be dark and depressed ergo was to be goth, but somewhere around the early '00s and late 90s emo came and took over, even though this so called emo seems to be a very much mutated and watered down verison of the emo of the 80s coming from NYC and DC. The emo of yore sounded much closer to the hard-core of today...but whatever, I could be off.

"Catch Me If You Can."

I wonder what goes through the mind of an individual at times, are they as calculating, as ponderous over actions and words. "Why did you do that?" Or is it all an internal automatic workings. Fine tuned over years of dealing with the array of individuals that come into your world. Your moden day instincts just kick in with precision, focusing on the outside stimule. Its all just ingrained reactions from you. Maybe your just more advanced, that worrying/wondering isn't even necessary, its all been mapped for them. Action 234 calls for Response 455.2

What's my point? We all do things for a reason, nothing in my opinion, happens for no reason, not in the sense of FATE, but more personal motivations and supposed wants/needs. We all deep down want to believe we are the prize, the one who needs less and deserves more. In relationships, it seems there are nothing but games, and the main event is The Chase. Determining who is the Hunter and who is the Hunted is the most important part. But it seems backwards from the scenario that plays out in nature, where the Hunter is the victor. The one being hunted has the power, at least in the beginning.

....wandering unfocused abstract thoughts amount to this........

OF course you can tell a lot about a person from the music they listen to.

I think the most telling part is there background. What kind of life they have had up to this point.

Top 40 I think can be a good sign. Its usually upbeat and most people like it. It can also mean that they are generic and might now like the more unusual types, cross me out then.

Country I feel is liked by people with tight sountern or at least rural backgrounds. The lyrics usually aren't to complex, but like rap they most likely tell a story of some kind.

Rock

R&B is probably the best music to dance to, hands down, at least for my generation. Techno comes in second and then of course 80s music third.

Rap is a pretty interesting gerne considering it wide appel

A lot of these observations are generalizations and really focus on the more mainstream of all the music gernes mentioned.

I run. I will run to you and wait. I will prove myself to you.

And I will run till every stranger see with their very eyes the truth.

I won't let go until I fall on my face gasping for air cause I could never catch up to you. You never let me.

When you do it, it will start this fire in me. The forest fire that will ravish my mind for an ungiven amount of time. Surrounding me as I scream in my best voice for the unrepentable sins comminted by no one.

But eventually the fire will die and all that will be left, will be the ashes and embers of what I imagined our false tender bed of a relationship was.

But a embers will remain, deep, dark unseen in my conscious memory. Hidden until one day a breath of wind sent by your voice comes sailing across and ignite it, sending my mind into a flurry. And I'll  watch from outside in, as the images and memories take hold and cause the painful reflections I swore I'd never feel again.

Embers remain.

It was late. I was tired. Love, Lust and Internal Issues are all interchangable in the short term.

I think ultimately we all want to be OR are artists.

In my definition, if you have a life force style passion for something ans try to live that passion out in your life than you my friend are a Real Artist.

The one draw back to say being a entertaiment artist oppose to lets say a talent engineer artist is the fact that most likely one will be making ends meet and other will be bringing you coffee with you dessert and the check too.

Do I want to be a starving artist or a happy family man ten years from now. And no I can't have both, I don't believe. Really.

....finish tomorrow....sloppy....

or