Ok, so, for my English 3 class in summer school, I had to wirte a short story, and I chose to do a Lovely Sir Ryan. The story I wrote was loosley based upon the orginal Golden Toilet of Endless Flushing Max and I wrote two years ago. I decided to change it up a bit. Some things you might notice are the fact that I took Ryan and Max out of the names, and just used Lovely and Not So Lovely. I also felt that Max's original character, The Not So Lovely Squire, really wasnt much of a squire, and was more like Ryan's equal, so I changed it to Not So Lovely SIR. I like this one a whole lot more. So, here it is, the new Golden Toilet of Endless Flushing. Enjoy.
The Golden Toilet of Endless Flushing
By Ryan O'Sullivan
"In the land of the golden privy, is a magical kingdom so wonderful, that its greatness is beyond the ability to scribe into words. This kingdom was home to a royal family. Here is where King Allanon, Queen Leah, and their daughter Silmeria resided. With the help of King Allanon's trusted friend, the mage Stephen Strange, they cast a firm, but fair, hand over land; organizing events and law.
The kingdom was also home to a vast amount of grand treasures. Millions of pound notes, solid gold bricks, fare jewels, enchanted instruments, powerful weapons and mighty armor were kept, and heavily guarded in the castle's vaults. Though the treasure in those vaults was marvelous, there was one peculiar item that stood above the rest.
Deep beneath the castle, beneath the barracks, beneath the cellar, rat burrows and torture chamber (the latter of which was not used) is a magic door made of the smoothest of Elkswood. On its straight, warm, surface were several protective runes carved by the mage Strange. Behind this door lies the treasure of treasure. Behind this door, lies a treasure sought after by many. Behind this door, lies the fabled Golden Toilet of Endless Flushing!" the creepy merchant rang out in a shrill voice, flinging his thin, lanky arms in the air as his hands wiggled like fish out of water.
"The Golden Toilet of Endless Flushing? It's real?? I thought of it as just a myth, but no! This treasure, it is surely real!" exclaimed The Lovely Sir Ryan, who was just as excited as the creepy merchant.
"A toilet? What's so amazing about a toilet?" asked The Not So Lovely Sir Max. Lovely Sir Ryan grabbed Not So Lovely Max by his shoulders and shook him excitedly.
"Did you not hear the creepy merchant, man?" Lovely cried. Not So Lovely looked at the merchant. He was by definition, creepy. He had long, scraggly white hair that hung to his knees, and it obviously hadn't been washed in weeks. His light blue eyes hid behind his bangs, and his crooked mouth hid behind a scraggly white beard. His chest was bare, save the portions that were not covered by his beard and hair, and his legs were covered in cheap, thin white pants made of a foreign material. Not So Lovely shuddered and quickly looked back to his companion. "The toilet is made of gold, my friend. And it never stops flushing! It's glorious!" shouted Lovely.
Not So Lovely shook away from Lovely's grasp. "It's not glorious, it's ridiculous. It sounds broken to me. If a toilet never stops flushing, than something is wrong with it and a plumber's assistance is thoroughly needed." Not So Lovely argued.
"Ah, my friend, the toilet is not broken. It is magical!" cried the creepy merchant, as his arms flew to the sky once more.
"I don't care if its magic, I still think it's stupid. And don't call me "friend"; I don't know you at all." Not So Lovely retorted. "Come on Lovely, I'm not listening to this nonsense any longer", Not So Lovely said as he began to walk away.
"But Sir, it does more than endlessly flush! It grants wishes to whomever sits upon its golden seat!" the merchant belted to his escaping customer.
Not So Lovely stopped dead in his tracks and turned to Lovely. "Lovely, does this man speak the truth?" he asked, eagerly waiting for a reply
"Mostly." Lovely replied.
"Mostly? What do you mean mostly?"
"I mean it only grants one wish, not wishes."
"Oh, I see. But, it indeed grants a wish?"
"Yes, it does."
Not So Lovely made an excited gesture and walked back to the merchant. "Right then Mr. Merchant Sir, where do we find this golden appliance?" pondered Not So Lovely.
"Well, it just so happens I have a map for sale. It will lead the way to the ancient castle, where the toilet resides." The creepy merchant said mysteriously, reaching into a pouch that dangled from his pants. With his boney hands, he pulled out the map. The map was made out of unshaven deer skin, and was very old and torn. From the look of the maps faded and barely legible ink, one would know that it had been around for a very long time. Before the merchant could hand it over, Not So Lovely quickly snatched it from his hands.
"All right then," exclaimed Not So Lovely "we'll be off. Come Lovely, we must start our journey as soon as possible." Not So Lovely jammed the map into a pocket, and started to walk away, again.
"Wait there a second! You have to pay for that!" cried the creepy merchant. Not So Lovely stopped in his tracks, again, and turned to the merchant.
"Ah, of course. How much?" pondered Not So Lovely
"That would be…" the creepy merchant rubbed his chin in thought, "one hundred gold pieces."
Not So Lovely's mouth opened wide and his brows scrunched in worry. "One hundred gold pieces?! Wow, I don't know if we even have that much. Lovely Sir, do me a favor and count the money", Not So Lovely said, tossing a bag of coins to his companion. Lovely reached out to catch it, but he was too slow, and the rattling bag of cash hit him in the face. "Oh, ouch, sorry about that."
"Tis ok friend, nothing to apologize for", Lovely said as he bent down to pick up the coin bag. Lovely then poured the coins into his hand, and started to count. One by one, he slowly put a coin back into the bag. Suddenly, Lovely stopped with a look of absolute confusion upon his face.
"Lovely, what's wrong?" asked a worried Not So Lovely.
"Ur," Lovely hesitated, "I can't count passed eleventy."
"Eleventy? Um, Lovely, I hate to disappoint, but, eleventy is not a number."
"It's not?" Lovely asked in despair.
"No my friend, it's not."
"Oh," Lovely said as mouth formed a frown. Lovely Sir was a very lovely man. He had silky brown hair that hung past his ears; his bangs covered his gentle jade eyes. He stood around six feet tall, and was very obviously strong. At all times, he wore a hooded, red, cotton coat and a pair of long, baggy blue pants that covered his worn leather boots, and a small pack on his back containing supplies such as blankets and food. Lovely Sir was the perfect image of a man. Unfortunately, he was incredibly stupid. "Well, then, you count it."
"Fine, toss the bag here." Lovely did what he was told and tossed the bag back to Not So Lovely.
Lovely watched as Not So Lovely counted the gold. He was lucky to have a friend like Not So Lovely. Not So Lovely was very intelligent; there wasn't a single problem he couldn't solve. Sadly, he wasn't very lovely. His stringy blonde hair hid behind a cotton cap that hugged his head, and hung to his shoulders and over his multi-colored eyes (the left was a dark blue, and the right was an ugly shade of brown). His teeth were slightly crooked and had a hint of yellow tint. He wore a thin, grey, hooded coat and tight blue pants.
After a short while, Not So Lovely had finished counting the gold. "Right then, we have one hundred and ten pieces, just enough." Not So Lovely noted.
"Ahh, good, good." The creepy merchant squealed in delight has he held his boney palm open. Not So Lovely poured the gold into his hands. The merchant smiled as he felt the cool gold trickle into his hands.
"There you are one hundred gold. Now Lovely, lets get out of this dreadful place."
"Wait just a minute. I want to see what else he has here." Lovely demanded.
"Oh, fine. Just hurry up please. I hate this place."
Lovely squealed like a school girl, and quickly tore through the miscellaneous piles of stuff the merchant had for sale. It wasn't long before something caught his eye. "Oh, I can't believe it! It's a Little Sir Ruxpin!" smiled Lovely. Little Sir Ruxpin was a beat up old teddy bear. It wore a brown suit of armor with red arm plates, a small helm, and mechanical eyes and a mechanical mouth. "Oh, how I remember my Little Sir Ruxpin. He used to read stories to me all the time." Lovely said, feeling very nostalgic. "Merchant, how much for this."
"Hmmm," the creepy merchant thought," that toy will cost you the rest of your gold."
Quickly, Lovely turned to his partner, and begged.
"Please Not So Lovely! Please. I swear, if you let me have this, I will never ask for anything again. Will you get it for me??"
"Phh, of course not. I'm spending the last of our money on some mangy old toy. Now, put it down and lets get out of here." Replied Not So Lovely
Lovely sighed and reluctantly put the toy down pack into the pile. "I'll be back for you, I promise." Whispered Lovely. "Ok, Not So Lovely, lets head off."
"Thank the gods, finally!" celebrated Not So Lovely.
Lovely and Not So Lovely were in the middle of the trading town by the name of Treno. Treno wasn't a very big place, nor was it a wealthy one. There were not many inhabitants, but it was always full of people. Buyers and sellers came from all over to buy and sell anything from fresh fish to rare diamonds.
Lovely and Not So Lovely quickly made it through the crowd of people. Shortly, the two made it outside of the small town. Not So Lovely took out the and examined the map. "Well friend, it looks like we have a ways to go."
"How far is it?" Lovely asked.
"Well, we go over the Lucid River, and through the Darkthorn Woods-" Not So Lovely was interrupted.
"To grandmother's house we go!" Lovely sang.
"Ur, no. We're not going to your grandmother's house" Not So Lovely objected.
"Why not?"
"You know full well why not."
"Oh, come on. She didn't do that on purpose, you know that!"
"She didn't? So, you think that she accidentally set my feet ablaze when I was sleeping? You think she was just innocently walking around with a bloody torch, and just happened to be in the room I was sleeping in, and by chance caught my feet on fire?"
"Well, yes." Lovely replied. Lovely's grandmother hated Not So Lovely for some unknown reason. Every time Lovely and Not So Lovely visited, she would do something awful to Not So Lovely, such as poison his tea, or set his feet on fire.
"Whatever. I refuse to go there. She is a vile old women and she despises me. Now, as I was saying, over the Lucid River, through the Darkthorn woods and then we should be at the castle, where I can find that toilet and get my wish!" exclaimed Not So Lovely.
"Wait a second. Who says you get the wish?" Lovely questioned.
"Well, you want the toilet and its endless flushing, I think its only fair that I get the wish", Not So Lovely retorted.
"Ah, I see. Yes, that does sound fair."
"Good, I'm glad you share my opinion. Now, lets head off. We need to get as far as we can before nightfall."
******************************
Several hours passed as Lovely and Not So Lovely ventured through the thick woods surrounding Treno, and past the vast beautiful landscapes that lay scattered amongst the way to the Lucid River. When they approached it, they sat along the bank of the river. Not So Lovely sat in awe, as he looked at the Lucid River. He could tell how it got its name. The river was crystal clear, so clear in fact; you could see the bottom that sat a good six feet beneath them. Not So Lovely watched as various fish of all colors and sizes swam in between each other and the various types of vegetation. "This river is absolutely beautiful!" exclaimed Not So Lovely.
"Eh, I guess so", Lovely said as he spat into the river's current. "Is there a bridge nearby we can cross? I don't want to get wet."
Not So Lovely stood up and looked from left to right, searching for a bridge. Unfortunately, he could not find one. "I'm sorry Lovely, but there isn't a bridge in sight. It looks like we're going to have to get wet." Not So Lovely said as he slipped into the moderately warm water. Lovely sighed and slowly crept into the river. Suddenly, the river started to stir violently.
"What in the blazes?!" exclaimed Lovely. Suddenly, a pillar of water burst out of the water. The water started to shift. The pillar softly waved left to right. Slowly, the pillar of water started to take the form of a very shapely woman.
"Who are you? And what are you doing in my river?" the water women quietly demanded.
"We are but two harmless travelers who wish to cross this river in order to continue our journey." Answered Not So Lovely. "Now, who are you? And what are you doing in the river?"
"I am Nausicaä, the spirit of this river. I am here to protect it and the inhabitants from any harm. But, you two do look sincere about being harmless, so I will trust you."
"Well, thank you Nausicaä. Now, will you be kind enough to let us pass and continue our journey?" Lovely politely asked.
"Yes, I shall let you continue, but first, you must solve a riddle" Nausicaä replied.
"Why, pray tell, must we answer a riddle?" pondered Not So Lovely.
"Every fantasy story has to have some sort of riddle, it's a requirement. It wouldn't be right without one." Nausicaä answered.
"True, very true. Ok then, by requirement, we shall answer you riddle." Not So Lovely agreed.
"Good.", Nausicaä smiled. "Now, get ready, this ones a reeaal toughie. Here it is: What is red, white, and black all over?"
"Are you serious? That's the riddle? Everybody knows this one? The answer to your riddle is simply, a zebra with sunburn".
Nausicaä cursed under her breathe. "How did you know that?" she asked, completely baffled.
"Well, it's like I said, everyone knows that one." Not So Lovely replied.
"Ur, I didn't." Lovely stated.
"Ok, then everyone except Lovely knows that one. It's an incredibly lame riddle."
"LAME?! I AM NOT LAME! AND NEITHER IS MY RIDDLE!" Nausicaä raged.
"I didn't say you were lame, just the riddle."
"Well mortal, do you have anything better?"
"As a matter of fact I do. Will you let us pass if you cannot answer?"
"Yes, I shall. Now, speak this riddle that is better than mine" Nausicaä demanded.
"Ok. My life can be measured in hours, I serve by being devoured. Thin, I am quick, Fat, I am slow. The wind is my foe. What am I?" riddled Not So Lovely.
Nausicaä thought for a moment. "Art thou, a hamster?" she asked.
"A what? A hamster? No, it is not a hamster. Guess again"
"Art thou a tornado?" Nausicaä pondered
"No it is not. Guess again." Answered Not So Lovely
"Ur, Not So Lovely?" Lovely asked.
"Yes Lovely?" Not So Lovely replied.
"Would you mind whispering the answer into my ear, I feel slightly left out."
"Yes, come here."
Lovely walked to Not So Lovely, and Not So Lovely quietly told him. "Oh, that's a good one! I never would have gotten it!" exclaimed Lovely.
"Yes Lovely, I know you wouldn't have." Not So Lovely said with a small laugh in his voice. "Now, Nausicaä, do you have the answer?"
'I believe so. Art thou………..the" Nausicaä hesitated," the Sun?"
"No, I'm sorry; the sun is not the answer."
"Well then, what was the answer?"
"The answer is a candle."
Nausicaä gasped. "Oh, that is a good one! Would you mind if I used this one instead of mine from now on? It is so much better." Nausicaä begged.
"Why, of course you can. Now, we shall be on our way." Not So Lovely said as he and Lovely trekked across the river.
"Thank you for the riddle, and good luck on your journey" Nausicaä said, as she faded back into the water.
'Well, that was interesting" Lovely stated.
"Yes, indeed it was." Not So Lovely agreed as he looked into the sky. He noticed that the sun was almost set." It will be dark soon. We should rest here and continue early in the morn."
Lovely agreed, and took off his pack. From inside, he pulled out two blankets, some dried meat, small pieces of hard bread, and a bottle of ale that had been wrapped in one of the blankets. Slowly, they ate their mediocre meal, and fell asleep.
******************************
Lovely woke up to an annoying pecking sound. Sluggishly, he sat up and rubbed his eyes. The pecking was coming from a wood pecker, who was pecking at a nearby tree. "Stupid bird. Does he have any idea how early it is?" he asked himself as he stood up and walked to the tree. It was in fact, very early; earlier than Lovely had woken up in a long while. "Hey! Stupid bird!" he shouted." Do you have any idea how early it is?!"
The bird stopped for a second, and then started again, as if in spite of Lovely.
"Hey! Are you listening to me?! Stupid bird! Hey!" Lovely cried out in anger.
The bird then proceeded to strike the tree much harder and much faster, resulting in an even louder sound.
"Curse you bird! You shall rue the day you messed with me!" he shouted to the bird. "I don't even really know what rue means, but by god, I'll get you!" Lovely then fell to the ground, rapidly crawling around in search of a rock, or a twig, or anything he could find to strike the foul fowl. Suddenly, he came across a rock the size of a small baby's head. Quickly, he picked it up at hurled it the bird. The large rock struck the bird and it fell to the ground. Lovely laughed a proud, victorious laugh as he approached the bird. "Not So Lovely! Wake up! I found breakfast!"
******************************
The small fire crackled amongst the wood as Lovely took a bite out of a juicy leg. He smiled evilly and laughed as he swallowed.
"This is quite good." Not So Lovely said as he nibbled on a wing.
"Yes, yes it is." Lovely said, laughing sadistically.
"Lovely, are you ok? You're starting to freak me out, you know, with all the creepy laughing. Did you do something to this before I ate it?" worried Not So Lovely.
"Hehehe, yes. I did."
Not So Lovely went pale. "What? What did you do? Did you rub it in some poison plant? You did, didn't you? Why, you're just as crazy as your grandmother!" cried Not So Lovely as he quickly scuttled away from the fire.
"Calm down my friend. I didn't do anything to you. I just killed the bird, the stupid bird that pestered and mocked me so!" Lovely started to get worked up. "I told him he would rue the day! I told him!"
"Whoa, Lovely, relax a bit, and finish your food. We need to get going."
Lovely took a deep breathe. "Right, right. Let's get packed up." Lovely said as he exhaled.
******************************
It wasn't long before Lovely and Not So Lovely had finished packing. They would've been done a tad quicker if Lovely hadn't kept sneaking the bottle of ale out every time he finished packing his bag.
Not So Lovely examined the map again. "According to the map, we're almost there. We just have to make it through the Darkthorn woods, and I'm pretty sure they're just over there," Not So Lovely stated, as he pointed to a cluster of green in the distance.
"Alright" Lovely said. "Say, how long do you think it will take?"
"Oh, not very long at all, I'd say three pages at the most."
"Eh, not too bad."
"Hey, it could be worse. This could be a novel. And if it were a novel, there would be somewhere around five hundred to six hundred more pages until we got to the toilet. Now, how horrible would that be?"
"My god! That would be dreadful."
"Indeed. And just think of the reader, having to read six hundred pages of this nonsense. And all for a toilet."
"Oh, so true. Ok, lets get going. We shouldn't put the reader through much more of this."
"Agreed."
And with that, they took off.
******************************
Lovely and Not So Lovely stood before the Darkthorn woods. They peered through the trees into its mysterious interior. It was covered in some strange fog, and it was very dark. There were several gnarled, thorny vines that covered the trees and the rocks. Lovely and Not So Lovely looked at each other with fear.
"I really don't want to go in there." Complained a scared Lovely.
"I know, neither do I, but we have to." Agreed Not So Lovely.
"Oh, surely there is a way around it" Lovely wondered.
"I'm sorry, but its not. These woods surround the castle on all sides. There is no way around it. We have to go through."
'Oh, alright. Lets hurry though, eh? I really have to find a bathroom."
"Why don't you just go behind a tree or something?" asked Not So Lovely
"You mean one of those trees? Not on your life, man. Just look at them! I'm afraid just thinking about doing my business anywhere near those things!"
"True, the are scary looking." Agreed Not So Lovely. "Hmm, I guess you could try and hold it. There should be a bathroom in the castle."
"Oh, alright. Lets just get in and out of these woods as fast as we possibly can." Lovely stated. Not So Lovely nodded in agreement, and they slowly entered the woods.
It was very hard to see in the Darkthorn woods, the fog was incredibly thick, and the mass amounts of trees blocked any sunlight from entering. Not much lived in the Darkthorn woods; mostly plants. Occasionally, the two would hear a wolf's howl, or see a rodent or two scurry along the cold, hard, dirt. Lovely was scared to death. He hated the dark, he hated howling wolfs, and he was deathly afraid of rodents. Trying to keep his mind off of the horrors that surrounded him, he struck a conversation.
"So, what do you think you're going to wish for?" he quickly asked.
"I'm not sure. I've done a lot of thinking, and I've come up with some good possibilities."
"Oh? And what are they?"
"Well, first would be two good, strong horses for us, so we wouldn't have to walk everywhere."
"That would be nice, only I don't have my rider's license yet." Lovely replied.
"I know, and that's what my second option would be: wishing for your rider's license. After, we could just buy horses with the treasure locked in the vaults."
"Wow, that's some good thinking."
"I know. Now, for my last option. I would like to be lovely. I think I'd wish to be lovely."
"Oh, that's good too" Lovely said with a smile.
"Yeah, it would be great." Not So Lovely said, picturing himself without his disgusting hair, his yellow teeth, and his odd colored eyes.
"Hey, what's that light up ahead?" Lovely wondered.
"I don't know, we must be close to the edge of the woods."
"Oh good, I don't think I can hold it much longer." Lovely said, as he the bathroom dance. Lovely quickened pace, and Not So Lovely tried to keep up with him.
Soon, they were out of the terrible woods, and were in the shadow of the most beautiful, colossal castle they have ever seen. It was much bigger than any castle they had ever seen before, and twice as elegant. Giant, twirling towers tore through the clouds, and the castle's enormous wooden gate sat open with a friendly "hello".
"Oh good. We're finally here. I've got to get to a bathroom now, or I'm going to burst." Lovely said, as he violently sprinted through the castle gates and into the castle.
'Hey! Lovely! Wait up!" Not So Lovely cried. Unfortunately, Lovely couldn't hear him. He was rapidly kicking open the doors of the abandoned castle in search of the appropriate facilities. After searching the ground and top floors, Lovely swiftly bolted down the stairs to the castle's basement. Just as he reached the bottom, he heard Not So Lovely shout something, but he couldn't tell what he was saying, so he ignored him. He searched the basement, when suddenly he spotted a door. The door was glowing a beautiful golden glow, and a faint whirring sound could be heard from behind it.
"There!" Lovely cried " A bathroom!" He quickly ran to the door, and opened it, just as Not So Lovely reached the bottom of the stairs.
"Lovely! No! That's not a bathroom! That's the-"
But it was too late. Lovely had slammed the door shut.
"Oh, god, why?" Not So Lovely asked, his head pointed towards the sky.
From behind the door, Not So Lovely heard Lovely sigh in great relief. Suddenly, the glow coming from the door grew stronger. It became so strong, Not So Lovely was almost blinded. Then, a deep voice rang out from nowhere.
"Brave stranger," the voice boomed, "you have sat upon the blessed seat this magical toilet. Now, speak your wish, and it shall be granted!"
"Hmmm," Lovely though out loud. "Should I wish for….." for a short time, there was a silence. The only sounds that could be heard were the constant swearing of Not So Lovely, and the flushing of the enchanted fixture. Suddenly Lovely spoke. 'Oh, I got it. I, The Lovely Sir, wish for---"
Lovely was interrupted by a big boom and a flash of multi-colored light. After a short while, Not So Lovely heard Lovely stand up and zip his pants through the door. Lovely then burst from the door, relieved and happy. We proudly walked over to Not So Lovely.
"Well?" Not So Lovely screamed.
"Well what?"
"Well, what did you waste my wish on, you bloody fool?!"
"This!" Lovely said holding out the old, beat up Little Sir Ruxpin from the mearchant's shop.
"A stupid toy? You wasted my wish on a stupid toy? And not even a new one. It's that ugly thing from the merchants pile of junk!" Not So Lovely ranted. "I could be lovely right now. I could be lovely! But no! You had to go and ruin that."
"Oh, come on. It isn't that bad. Hey! I'll let you play with him! You'd like that, wouldn't ya?"
The End