Awesomeeee... one more blog making a total of 39 posts...
If you learnt Japanese, you'd understand what I mean when I say
39!!! 'san-kyuu' THANK YOUUUU

Anyway off topic...

I once told a friend of mine [yes Osama I'm reffering to you] that I blog whenever something good or bad happens to me. When I told him that, I was writing up one of my 'bad' blogs. No prizes for the correct answer.

So what has made our MySpace addict blog once again this week?

Today we had soccer training at Altona Beach. I was pretty excited to see what it would be like, since it was my first time training there. I had a pretty good time, despite the fact that a few unexpected things came up...and stuck with me for the rest of the day.

I know that I am stubborn. I know I don't like to forgive and forget at times. I know that I shouldn't be selfish... but still... why? Why would I want something bad BACK in my life after I left it all behind? Someone told me if it was possible to leave it all behind. I did. It wasn't me who brought her back into my view. Why would I forgive and forget when I don't believe in it? 'Forgive and forget' only sounds good, it's just a figure of speech, but I don't think it's ever fully achieved. Maybe people would understand me better if I could express myself better.

I've had an open mind over this issue, but no matter from what angle I looked at it, it wasn't me who was at fault. Therefore I don't believe that I should put in any effort to erase this grudge I have. That slut did say sorry, but saying something is one thing, doing it is another. Acting like no apology was given... everything was just pretence... Besides, she just got dumped when she called me to "apologise".

I'd love to know the feeling of getting a second chance. But I've never gotten to. I've sent a sincere message of apology to someone who's friendship I screwed up. I don't understand why I did what I've done, but I just did... thinking I am "helping" out. But I put my priorities wrong: I put a close friend of mine behind someone who ended up betraying me. I didn't even know that person well. Anyway, I've never gotten a reply for my apology. It's been.. probably two years now. I've never gotten that second chance, so I wouldn't know what kind of joyful life with no grudges you're talking to me about.

For some reason, I'm comfortable living with this kind of grudge. It's just me. I don't mind it at all since anything related to her barely disturbs me in my everyday life. This is how I live.

To conclude, I've had a pretty crap week. Today I've cried more than I had to, unfortunately that thing I cried over isn't worth my tears. I've cried a bit on my way home, I've cried when I got home and pigged out, I've even cried watching Zettai Kareshi/Absolute Boyfriend... I wonder what I'll cry over next?

I swear I never knew I can be such a sulk.

Thanks for reading :] I know I blog excessively...

*catherine

Why... =="

Great. I was in the middle of writing a long azz blog but I hit the 'CLOSE' button.
Suddenly I feel very... angry indeed.
I wrote so much... I ranted so much as well...
I'll just write in dot points like this then.
Here goes me, making full use of my bitching device.

If you're a person who tends to rat on people
Like tell the guy I like that 'OMG did you know CATTT likes you OMG MANGZ'
It just shows you're only good at ruining people's lives
Or just mine
Because being a cat is so much cooler than being a rat.

Gee I sound so cocky

Oh and if you're those pedophobic types
And just pretending to be nice to me
[yes I'm calling myself a pedo to make you happy for now]
Snob me off. Yeah you heard me.
Snob me off so I hate you
And you won't have to talk to me again
As a bonus, let me enlighten you on something...
You're not a pedophile unless the reason you like that person
Is purely because that person is A KID.
I obviously don't so get your mind straight.
This guy just happens to be better than some of the guys my age.
Not mentioning any names.

Far out I can be so mean.

Hikaru... is very sweet... it's like he can understand me so well.
Although I may have misinterpreted his words
They made me very happy
So much as to pulling a tear from my eye, putting my head down
Putting my heart to shame for ever wanting to forget him
But inside that gentleness is a hint of cruelty

I can be so vain. In fact...
For the whole blog so far, all the stuff I've written
Is all about me. Heh. Narcissist in a way, you say?
But there's nothing wrong in reflecting on your mistakes

I haven't heard from Kaoru. Only seen his pictures
In some ways I miss him... which makes me feel like...
...a slut.
Sometimes I wished I talked more to him... but I stammer a lot.
I'm the crappest story teller you'd ever meet

I can picture you, whoever you may be, reading what I wrote up there...
I'd probably be the last person you'd wanna speak to in this world
If you knew me personally, you'd probably be thinking
"Wow I never knew she was like this..."
I'm always honest in my blogs or in my journals.
Especially about myself.

I shit talk about myself while asking this question...
Am I that bad of a person? I haven't killed anyone.
Do I deserve outsiders coming in my life to mess it up?
All I've done was being honest.
Do I need those people who think I'm those hopeless and weak like them clumsy anime girls?
Helloooo Catherine can CROSS THE STREET so you don't have to run all the way across the road to 7-11 and get that Slurpee for her.

I'm just merely accepting the good and rejecting the bad things out of my life.
You need bad things to happen so that you grow as a person...
But since I get put down easily, just how much do I need?
Twice the dosage to make me stronger?
Or would that make things worse...


I've written long enough. Thanks for reading...

*catherine


[extra: "you sound emoo..."]

"OMG CATHERINE DITCHED MYSPACE???"
Yeah I did, for twodays, but now I'm sucking up to MySpace...I did that for a reason.
Like always it was because of a guy.
Let's call him Kaoru.
I moved on pretty quickly from Hikaru didn't I.
Freakin' hell I feel so much like a player.
Though I don't know what a true player feels like pfft.

Just before I felt so sure... I wanted to forget Hikaru, forget that I ever liked him... just because this girl I know likes him. And, I'm hinting he likes her back too... I don't like talking to him on net either... he's hardly on but whenever he is, conversations end the moment it started...

I saw him on Sunday... I was so happy to see him... But, maybe what I felt on Sunday was something temporary... a chance to say face to face how much I've missed him... and then now forget him. I've said what I've been holding back, I'm done. And f*ck no I didn't confess.

As for Kaoru... I like him in a way that's way too shallow... Besides his looks, I can't think of anything else that I like about him... What I did notice about him was a trend... he's quiet when I'm around, a loudmouth when I'm not... I wonder about him and his ex... I wonder about his extreme vanity... Maybe I just like to LOOK at him... I can't believe I'm that type of person. I'm treating him like a person straight out of my Japanese pretty boy [pornnnnn] magazines...

I've come to an easy conclusion to drop Hikaru and Kaoru out of my life. I gotta admit... I loved Hikaru. But there's no chance of me ever getting to know him more than I do now... The people around me... to some of them age is a concern. I've gotten an idea of what they mean... As I thought of letting them go, I got a bit teary... I know I was reluctant to do so... He meant so much to me but I know I can't stand a chance. Stupid co-ed schools and other extra-curricular activities...

Meanwhile, I'll just shape up and get my mind set for the next brick [oh man I love that word] life throws at me... I'm glad there's always someone [especially the super dooper Marian group] there to make me smile... or laugh uncontrollably...

I've finished playing CCFFVII and I won't go into detail about my crying, but I did cry a lot. One of the times when I cried real loudly [yes I'm a sulk] was when... okay... spoilers...um... if you wanna know ask me with the code word "DISAPPEAR"... it just reminded me how eventually... people will disappear from my life. Sometimes just as fast as Hikaru and Kaoru.

I've spoken enough... should do my Studio Arts essay sometime about now... but mind's not in the right mood for work.

P.S Hikaru's still a dork.

*Catherine

Waiting... can only be done if you're prepared for a lengthy process.

Longing... for something means without it, nothing will be the same.

Hating... the person who turned into a person of self-hatred.

Quitting... because you've realized... nothing can alter the truth of your failure.

So besides whinging and complaining, what can you do? Love is a two way street... all you gotta do is wait for their response...

I'm not patient

I want to be with that person

I'm weak and quit easily

I'm scared of judgements thrown upon me

What kind of person do I have to be in order to really be in love? I don't think I have what it takes. Who will be the person... who'll be there for me despite all my bad qualities and almost zero interest in the world? Who will be there when I finally learn to love?

I wonder who will have the patience.

I wonder who will hate me.

I wonder who will give up on me.

I wonder who will wish I was there...

I guess it's just a matter of time and how long the words will sting or soothe...

 

For the time being, the only words I will say about that special person in my life right now... is:

I'm not sure for how much longer, but right now, at this moment, I miss you.

I've never genuinely missed anyone for a while until now. It's not like those one-hour-apart "I MISS YOU"'s, but one filled with longing... and a mere something-days worth of 'I want to see you's. Nothing lasts forever and that will definitely go for these feelings I have now. But for now... I'll think things through, not to the point I create my own version of him in my mind... just enough to keep my memories of him alive...

Because one day, he'll just be a memory of my teenage years.

Is there a purpose in trying to remember things when in the end of it all, there will be nothing to reflect upon when you've departed from this world?

I've got to live this sad life, get it over and done with, and find out if these memories will serve me a purpose in whatever happens after.

*oh gee I'm thinking a tad too far ahead*

*catherine

CAMP. WAS. AWESOME.

That's all you need to know, unless you want the details of the camp.
I usually talk about my camps in dot points so... I shall this time as well
Starting...

- NOW.

[DAY ONE]
- Friday after school, I arrived home, rushed my packing and left the house around 4:30.
- Boarded the bus, met new people A.K.A Quang, Martin, Andrew Van and Joseph
- Camp was at Drom..something, Safety Beach.
- PSP Crisis Core: Zack finally leveled up to LVL.37!!!~
- Picked up people from Chingvale, including Monica, Martin and Ho's cousin.
- Saw a lookalike of Ho's bro...^^ but he's shorter and has bigger eyes I guess...
- Father Hong is the best R.E lecturer out there.
- Spent most of the night in the games room...haha.
- There were chickens at our campsite
- Formed our groups, I landed in no.2 [Banh Mi O Pate] with Quang and Martin
- John was our leader
- Other members were Hung [Hai lookalike], Chi, Vi, Loan, Quynh, Lisa...I think I'm missing 2-3 people ^^'?
- People were drunk...and crap happened
-  Died at around 1-2 am I think?

[DAY TWO]
- Woke up like a stoner, ate breakfast.
- Today was the longest day, did a LOAD of things.
- Had a few lectures from Father Hong across the day. About love
- And Kamasutra
- Group activities: snake, tangle, etc...
- Randomly kicking soccer balls across the grassed area
- Went to the beach, did some shooting for the DVD or something 8D
- Listened to Quocodile play piano
- Martin's more AWESOME at piano!
- Preparation for camp concert
- Had mass, we made Father Hien cry ^^"
- Biggest random coincidence: MET HO AT CAMP!!!
- Caught up with Ho on stuff~
- CAMP CONCERT WAS AWESOMEE!!! SO MUCH LAWLZ.
- The contemporary dance of Romeo and Juliet won! ^^
- Tinh Yeu Banh Mi O or something was SUPER AWESOME!!! *bricked*
- OUR PLAY. WAS AWESOME. Thanks to the bst improvisation from Quynh and John.
- Had a disturbing MC Ms Minh and Son. Ho ho ho yaoi.
- CAMP FAII-ARRRR [fire]
- Had a catch-up talk with Joseph [Long] under the stars~
- Apparently somebody spilt out my secret F*CKING HELL!!!
- Still it was easily dealt with.
- We decided to sleep under the [freezing cold] starry sky
- SAW A SHOOTING STARRRR!!!
- Teresa, Vu, Joseph Long and I pulled an allnighter...
- Played truth or dare, Joseph was there.
- Showered at like..4-4:30 in the morning
- at 5-ish, went to beach to watch sunrise, too early, went back.
- lost my phone for a grand total of 3 times.
- went back to view sunrise.
- wrote on the sand.. yey....

[DAY THREE]
- Heard the mega annoying bell from campsite at the beach
- returned to the campsite, kicked soccer balls around with random grown-ups
- by the end of today I was known to be the girl who likes soccer
- had morning prayer and a guest speaker whom I recognised from the Anzac Day mass.
- Played that game I came third place with Joseph Long, just that this time I paired up with Quang.
- Had Emily do a few fun teamwork activities listening and speaking...
- L/S activity - got to know a few people, like this guy who recognised me from Saturday mass, An: Thuy's friend, also knows Dad, and Andrew who said 'Hey you like soccer yeah' or something more creative along those lines. Too bad we had to shut up =="
- FInally got around to getting Martin to play the piano for me one last time... I recorded him playing ^^
- Hung called me 'Cat' and 'Meo' and told me about his Macrob-graduate sister who also plays soccer ^^ He's real proud of her~
- Bus ride home was fun...and regretful... didn't say bye to Hung
- A certain someone was supposedly greasing at me?
- Quang is an adorkable mommy's boy.
- Talked to Andrew and Quan, found out they might form a MIXED soccer team ^^
- Hugged Quang goodbye, waited 'til I could go home
- Got a few more addys...

And yeah, that's my weekend summed up.

Besides a couple of bitching moments I couldn't COPE with [Please, I'm half man at heart], the whole weekend was a fantastic experience. If only it could've last longer. We got to meet new faces, form new friendships, and MINGLE'D [this word was used extensively throughout DAY THREE].

Unfortunately, the weekend has caused me to avoid the people with the traits I find unacceptable...

Anyhoot, maybe... I found a new love. I'm sure it's only temporary, but I'll let it live it's short lifespan. Right now, I just need to love someone... not just anyone.

Well anyhoot, hope you enjoyed reading, I shall end it here.
Take care
*catherine


*EDIT* I want to follow my feelings. I'll do it without stopping at any judgement forced upon me. I'll continue to follow that path I set out for myself, and overcome the failures that I will come across. If fate says this love will be unrequited, let it be, but let me live that moment of happiness I've been waiting for.

P.S. I adork you :]

Why hello again...

As many people may notice, I am a pessimistic person for the majority of the time. I would say 'the glass is half empty' rather than 'the glass is half full', not only because 'half empty' sounds better and is easier to say than 'haffoo'.

Being negative and bringing it out on others has made me realize how much of a selfish person I can be. When I unleash my PMS attacks, I tend to ignore anything 'good' around me. I forget that I have friends who care.

When I got scraped by the tram at Supanova, I forgot to wash it since I didn't get the chance to for a couple of hours. Kien, whist waiting at the train station, reminded me that we had to clean my wound. He helped out a bit, since he "didn't want to give the wrong idea". I wasn't really sure what he was on about, but I was definite that it would offend him to take in any wrong ideas when a friend is helping you.....????? Anyhoot...

I have the greatest sister in the world who stands up for the bubble-headed me. A little year 7 girl dropped her jacket, so I picked it up and gave it to her. She ran off with it without a word. My little sister said aloud: "At least you can do is say THANKS". And so the girl turned around and said thanks, then ran off. I was stunned... I'm glad I have such a strong sister with a good sense of direction.

My friends at school. Although I don't confide much in them compared to others, I believe that they are the people who will understand me the most when the time comes for me to say what's on my mind. My school friends are willing to give advice, and they're great to be with. And some things you discover after being around them makes you proud to be different.

Randoms. Yeah I found some randoms conforting. A friend of mine whom I've never met, Steven, had cheered me up during the time I screwed up a friendship which lasted since primary school. He was going through some rough times as well, but we got through it pretty fast. It's a shame we don't talk much anymore...

The anime groups. From the Bleach group to the Monash Clayton/Caufield Anime Club [MCAC]. They are the friendliest bunch ever. I had a great time going out and karaoke with them, and they're so inclusive and understanding. Sometimes I confide in a couple of them, only because they don't know personally who my 'victim' is ^^.

Saved the best for last. That is my FAMILY. I never mention my family much. Without my family, I would be super cantankerous and unapproachable. Without them, I wouldn't be able to gain self control over myself. I wouldn't be able to learn the basics of life I often skip out and make things complicated. I learnt the meaning of respect [and still learning ^^]. My parents help me grow and become independant, my sisters keep me on track, and my brother is my inspiration. I guess you might notice that I brag on about my brother a lot... because he's the most awesome brother anyone could have. He's funny, and has a positive aura surrounding him.

But no one can understand me more than my younger sister, none other than... LIZZIE~ ^^ I can tell her many things, we're usually together unless we go out or when we're in our own friendship groups... and yeah. She's there for me and always looking out for me. Should be an older sister instead |D~

Anyhoo I blabbed on enough. I shouldn't even be here
*pretends she's studying*
But I read through my oh-so-negative blogs and decided I should write a blog on the good things in my life. My life is NOT a shithole if that was your impression of my blogs :]

ANYHOOT, TOODLELOO~
*catherine

FUCKING MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. My problems, not yours.

Anyhoot...

Today Kimbo said that I was serious about soccer... shown through my careless and selfish actions [my words, not hers] of missing out on an outing so that I could go to training. I was feeling unconfident and under pressure at the time about the match. But no one could understand that, would they? The number of goals scored was highly dependant on the goalie and the strikers. Of course if I do a shit job, I cop the blame and let my team down, even if people are too nice to blame on the noobie goalie. "Excuses" aside, there are times that I actually do take friendship seriously, but it doesn't always work for me when I don't get the same treatment in return.

Recently less people have spoken to me. I completely understand. I'm a jerk for yelling at you not to keep SPANKING me so friggin' hard. I'm a tightarse for telling you not to TOUCH me all over. I'm an asshole because half the time I can't go out with a certain group "for unknown reasons". I'm mean and unfair just because I didn't hand you any more alc when you're lying hopeless outside IN THE EFFING COLD with me feeling shit if I don't help you get back to your senses. I'm EASY because all that people I hate need to do is say sorry and all is good with the world. I'm now a reject because what you have always wanted, you now have.

Oh GOD, look at me, I'm such an idiot, denouncing myself on a public blog. All at a worthy cost. I don't want to be in a group of friends where all they do is abuse me to any extent in some way. Is that wrong? I put my well-being first before others. Otherwise... my arse would be sore, I'd be touched in awkward places each day, the little "me" time I have would drive me nuts [at times I prefer to hang out on my own... did I hear someone say "LONER"?], I'd cop the blame for not stopping you from doing something stupid, my mind would be driven by hatred for some people and I'd go emo at the sign of rejection. By that time I'd probably too scarred for life to consider making another friend.

So in short, I do not regret any actions that might damage or repair the "friendship" unless I can honestly admit that it was a mistake. I guess I have the sort of strict friendship guidelines I follow, first to consider what's worth doing and what's not. I am still tired from being out in the rain and freezing cold for two Saturday nights, and have lost enthusiasm for pretty much everything I do. And now I'm sick. I can't sing properly anymore, my voice has gone retarded.

You are free to judge me.... NOW. I'm a selfish person, not a selfless person. But the truth is, everyone's had their inconsiderate moments. I just happen to be more "heartless", maybe even making you look like a good friend when compared to me.

Here's my resolution. From now on, I refuse to go to another party that has alcohol. I do enjoy hanging out at places with people, but I actually spend most of my time babysitting the drunk. Where's the fun in that? It's tiring I tell you. I agreed to go to Allan's alcoholful birthday because it's ensured that there's not gonna be any "she'll be there for me when I drink the f*** out of myself" crap. There are people who can live without ever getting drunk or excessive alc, and that includes me.

I'm sorry if I'm not good enough for a friend just because I refuse to risk getting sick for my attempt at being a "good" friend.

I figured my points would be more convincing if they were honest, and I did this by criticising and accusing myself. But if I don't take care of myself, it may affect me in the long run, possibly longer than the ever-changing friendships could last.

It'd be nice if all of us could be friends forever. I guess I don't even have the right to say that.

Thanks for reading, much appreciated.

*catherine

The title was inspired by the time I tried to say "I love you" to Aubrey... didn't work out well because I wasn't accustomed to saying those things, especially when I meant it in some part...

Well looks like I lost hope for the Jap trip... principal called it off because of the Jap school's centenary anniversary thingo, and for the STUPID ITALIAN TRIP. I HOPE YOU KIDS HAD A GOOD TIME IN ITALY. Damn damn damn...I guess this way I get more time to save up so I can whore around Harajuku and Akihabara...*sigh*

Let's see... tomorrow is Linda's party YAY~ I still haven't figured out what to get her... jewellery is out of the question... I have to think of something practical...hrmm...........later.

Recently I've been living up to my 'lovesick cat' title [by Nhut]. I've been thinking about this guy... and it's not that safe to mention his name on the internet LAWL. Anyhoo... for the first time age gap is a concern to me 0_0... but he's the same age as TAKAHIRO so it doesn't bug me as much ANYHOO... Maybe I'm just interested in the guy... I mean I only met him once >_>... and yes, he's mentioned once in my blog, not saying which ^^.

I've been pretty cranky during the week.. not sure why... but anyhoo I feel much better now~ Drawing and art really does take your mind off things. OMG VISCOM EXCURSION!!! Pretty awesome ~ the lecture thingo started with the band 'Tonight is like space invaders'.. and the drummer guy is AWESOMEEEE. He's cute azz...and the guest speaker who taught us the JFDI ATTITUDE... haha... and yeah.

Right now, I'm listening to Hiro play the violin via MSN in Sydney. Thanks to Andrew. Guh. I'm jealous of him. Contacted Shiina... Shiina Masaru... the awesome music composer... He's so cute... Phillip Chu too... a very inspiring orchestra conductor... *refer to my last year's Animania blog*.


Anyhoo getting lazy. BYEEEE~~ thanks for reading~


*catherine

Today's blog is in reference to my MCAC Forums reply to the "Do You Believe in Love?" thread... off-topic for an anime forum, but it was posted in the 'General Discussion' topic so meh ^^.

Here's my response:

Hey, I don't think it would hurt to hear from a highschooler, no? :]

Anyways, here goes...

Do you have a lover? It can be a male or female or whatever you call a lover. Do you really think people truly love that person or just for the visual/monotury gain?
I thought I loved, but it was only 'liked' or just 'interested'. I can't say love easily because I realize that I can't find a word beyond love. Most of the time I'm the shallow type, always spotting the guy that looks like the ones I drool over in my Japanese magazines~ Then there's some other times I find their personality so damn lovable and I never notice their looks. Love comes in so many forms that there's no definite way to define it.

Some people are like me at this stage in life [shallow, indecisive, yadiyadiya]... but eventually they might truly love someone. That's if they're open to love anyway *has closed herself off from love* Love sometimes drive people nuts. I'm pretty cynical, if that the right word >_>, so sometimes, towards other couples I'll just think 'they're together just for looks' or 'WTF they're ALREADY together? It's only been ONE MONTH' but it could be deeper than that. It could evolve into whatever true love is. I guess

Whats your definition of a family? Man/Women with kids? Gay with kids who've been born through more complex ways?
Man/woman with kids is a pretty typical form of a family. I just think of family as people who live together [like brought together through adoption and stuff like AZUMI~~ or are blood related...]... not really on with the family stuff either ... Sometimes I'd like to think of everyone as family... [freaks some peeps out but oh well ]

Family, to me, is where you don't need all those corny lines and any other stuff to make it all work like in love. Just simply be together~ Family time

Should people marry before they have sex or should sex happen before marriage happens?
As a Catholic and from an Asian background, I was brought up with 'wait until marriage/it's for baby-making'. But anyhoo, I thought over and will conclude with: whatever happens, happens. What if you don't plan on marriage? Oh and don't forget protection people~

Other responses to this topic [Monash Caulfield/Clayton Anime Club standard!] could be read HERE

So anyhoo, a friend of mine asked me how long it takes to fall in love with someone. I gave the best answer I could, seeing as I never officially fallen in love before... but yeah, I forgot what my answer was.

I guess nothing can be called love unless it's the most real, the ultimate thing you feel. So how do you know when you get to that stage? I reckon it differs from person to person. For the time being, it's probably safer to stick to 'LIKE'.

For example, there's people who absolutely love God, what if sometimes I feel lacking in faith and say I like God? I wouldn't be liking the person I shoved any blame on the way I blame God. I respect respect RESPECT Him. For every good thing that happens to me, the first thing I say is 'THANK GOD'. But I don't think that's enough to say "I LOVE GOD". So back to the subject, how would I know when it's love if I can't even love love LOVE my own God?

Now for the feelings directed at guys. I used to think that "I like ____, he will be the last person I'll ever like. In fact, I love him...". [teehee didn't see that coming did you]. In my current definition, I wouldn't call that love, at least not anymore despite how serious I was about the guy at the time. Gee I'm freaky.

In a person, I usually take notice of the first physical impression because my sight accounts for the most important things. The other sense including smell comes later 0_0. But in other situations, I usually take notice of good deeds or acts of kindness... or encouragement. So which one would lead to 'love'? I reckon a bit of both but what do I know. Whatever happens, happens.

The best form of 'love' I know so far is marriage with kids. And I mean the families that are always together and share everything with each other. Our mommy dearest went through all the excruciating pain for each single child she bore, and take care of the child for the rest of your life. I think it's the ultimate form of love because frankly, I think loving someone to the extent where you'll be willing to go through all of the pain is impossible for me. Hell yeah I want NO kids, even if they say it's rewarding. And I can't even imagine the kind of love people need to manage a family. As far as I know, in my family, right now I take more than I give [not a good thing...I'm still a kid, yo] so it's obvious I know jack about consistent family management.

Sometimes I think the kind of love that results in a family can come along easily for the wrong reasons. People try to make the whole idea of getting married and giving birth sound easy to me, to convince me that having kids is good for you, gives you a whole new experience. I'm gonna be realistic in my own way and say that I don't want a so-called "experience" that will last my whole life; the "experience" should be renamed a "life-long responsibility". On the other hand, I will be missing out on the joy of motherhood, but what says there are happiness that motherhood can't bring? Plus I know myself better than anyone else, I know my limits and abilities; other people just judge them. A single kid drove me crazy during a mere 2 hours of my whole life. On a Mother's Day note, I admire each and every person out there who's a loving mother to a child. Taking care of your children needs a lot of love and determination. Something I lack.

I'm turning 18 in around 3 months and these are my thoughts. I wonder how much they will change by the time I reach 21? I'm sure the 'having kids' part will remain the same. Why wouldn't it~?

Back to the blog title. When it's love, I'll know. Whatever happens, happens. Hopefully when that time comes, I won't let the moment overwhelm me so much that I forget about my own well-being.

*catherinee

P.S There's no hope for the trip to Japan this year. I think. I'll ask the school again later. But yeah, the principal said no. Maybe next year. [I might be able to go with the school although I'm in uni]

So. Hi there.

Animania 2007 last year was a life-changing event for me. I met someone and liked that person for about 6 months, cut off due to the interruption someone with whoring urges. None of that matters now, except a two faced slut is always a two faced slut.

Animania 2008, although I did not officially 'attend' [I ninja'd my way in with Martin and Nina], I reckon it was a pretty life changing experience too... Only time will tell if it truly is.

Anyhoo Martin and I hung out around and about the city before meeting up with the MCAC [Monash Caulfield/Clayton? Anime Club], who had just come from Animania. Melissa recognised me from iceskating, and she was dressed up as Sakura from Naruto. Although I don't like Sakura myself, I gotta admit... her cosplay is AWESOME. TOP NOTCH. Even the HAIR looks good ^^!~ Anyhoo Martin brought up that I like yaoi...

Girls: OMG YAY YAY YAY YAOIIIII~~
Guys: Oh god, not ANOTHER one.

And it was all excited talk after that. I met the one of the masterminds of Animavericks, Iyan and Darius [who I and the rest of the MCAC bag on the forums for fun...8D]. I didn't know the names of anyone else soooo yeah... When I met Iyan I was super dooper excited because I loved the contents of Animavericks~ Everything in it was so interesting and HE as well as HANDY HAKIM was behind all of it. Indonesians.... I swear they're awesome people~~...soretomo, kare wa totemo kawaii desu~~~*nosebleed*

After everyone has finished eating, we went to Animania and that's when I met Nina, who just argued with the security guard for the last hour. Melissa went in and got me the yaoi wristband... Iyan then mentioned that the security guard wasn't here so....we managed to ninja our way in and have a look around. I met up with Handy, the other mastermind behind Animavericks, Allan and Kien and man... curse Kien for not letting me cosplay as Hitsugaya ==". Nina eventually got caught as she was buying something, and was escorted out. I ran out afterwards as well. Outside the venue, I ran from the Bleach group to the MCAC group to catch up with things. I was talking with the Bleach group and they asked if I was gonna go eat with them... I felt bad for saying no and that I had to go later on anyway. Anyhoo the MCAC group took a group photo 8D They dragged me into it because I'm a yaoi fan 0_0...

Nah I hope to be a future MCAC member :]

[The next day, I lost my Yaoi wristband... It's special... because on it, it says 'Warning: Yaoi Content'... BEAUTIFUL ISN'T IT~]

I came to church an hour early, so I decided to train myself to lob the soccer ball with Ben's dodgy, deformed ball. When I came back in, I was really drained and my left eye felt funny. Before mass started, my eye began to swell up. The same thing happened to Kimbo on Wednesday, except it was much worse... and she was crying ~...because she couldn't help it, not because she was sad lawl. Anyhoo I pretty much had to wink throughout mass, but it was alright in the end. I spotted someone I might've considered special in church... but yeah... I'll think him over.

At the end of mass, I was saying hi to Son and was gonna do the usual poke, but some asshole had to butt in and steal the conversation away. Easily like how that whore I know can lie to me over a guy. LIKE WTF. She never had something against me until she found out I have a younger sister named Lizzie. AGAIN, I did JACKSHIT to you and I still get shitty snobby treatment.

You know, that bitch just ruined my day. I had such a good day, despite Martin rocking up nearly an hour late, I met Iyan and MCAC, I went into Animania... and I could finally lob the ball better than I used to. But NOOOO. I hate this. I hate it how because of a friend/sister that someone hates, that particular someone decides to have something against me too.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH
HHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE AND I FEEL AS THOUGH I'VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG, JUST I CAN'T REALLY PUT MY HAND ONTO WHAT IT WOULD BE!!?

IS YOUR PERSONAL ISSUES WITH MY SISTER MY PROBLEM?
IT REALLY ISN'T, SO DON'T EVEN THINK OF TURNING IT INTO MY PROBLEM AGAIN YOU FUCKING JACKASS. AT LEAST I'M NOT PRETENDING TO THINK I'M NOT ASIAN AND ACTUALLY HATE THEM. GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

This blog was initially a happy blog... but shitty things always happen to me. I wonder why. Haven't raged in a while due to 'anger management'. But today I had to burst, didn't I.

*catherine