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Shayna

Shayna Ruf


Last Updated: 12/2/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 20
Sign: Leo

State: Colorado
Country: US
Signup Date: 3/29/2005

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December 30, 2009 - Wednesday 

Current mood:  tired
The new year is coming. Seems like all these past years having been going by faster and faster. It's hard to keep track of things when they're passing by in a blur. I mean, I'm going to be 21 in only a few months. I know it's not like right around the corner, but it's still getting closer. I don't want to be 21. I want to be 7 again or maybe even 10. Tom was still alive and I was in lovely Nebraska. Things were simpler and I could be with my old friends.

But, then again, I wouldn't have met all the amazing people I've adopted as my siblings today. Katie is first. My sister of seven years. Then, Shandi. My sister of five years. Then, Tierney. My sister of a year. Tyler, my brother of a year. Sam, my brother of a year. Adam, my brother of a year. Lol, I have a lot of adopted siblings. It's amazing. Because there's no such thing as a best friend. If someone is a best friend, they're practically family. A best friend is someone you tell secrets to and the only people it's okay to tell secrets to are your family! Lol, I know. My logic astounds one and all.

But, even though it's the New Year and not Thanksgiving, I am truly thankful for the people I have in my life. Even the ones where a bad ending occurred. I still love everyone as much as I have always.

My resolution? I'll keep my standards as they have always been. I've made it this far and I'm still alive, never been in jail, not homeless. I'm doing relatively well for someone with so little. I have a place to sleep, I have access to food. But I also have heat, water, TV, internet, phones. Some people only have a place to sleep and they have no heat or electricity. I know I don't have it rough. I have it the easiest way that doesn't involve things getting handed to me.

Even though the God and the Goddess see fit to test my love life so mercilessly, I won't give up on my prospects. I know that sounds terrible and pimptress-like, but it's true. As long as you believe that you will succeed, you will. That's the key to success. Your state of mind and your beliefs. Thats the only reason I'm as confident as I am.

I hope no one's jealous of me because there's no reason to be. I'm not expecting anyone to be, but if there is anyone who is...please don't be. Did I confuse you? I hope so.

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
9:25 AM 
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December 13, 2009 - Sunday 

Current mood:  contemplative
There's only one obvious topic I'd choose to talk about at this hour. My confusion with the troubling Y chromosome. Seriously? Why does a slight difference in genetic composition have to make it so bloody difficult to understand the other?

Sometimes I worry if I understand my own gender. Women are an odd breed. Were so touchy about shit and we always want to look pretty. We always want to make the man happy. But we fuck it up so much that no one has any fun anymore. It's either teen pregnancy or being thrown into a religious cult.

I predict that women will eventually cease their craving for love and affection and they will dive into the methods of the men. We will become the sleazes at the bars trying to pick up on the young unsuspecting men. And men, they cease something too. Though it may be hard to believe, I know men will actually have an epiphany that will render them completely and totally able to understand women as they are today. But, being as convenient as God can be, they'll be too late. They'll still know what it was like to be an asshole, but how to you approach or even deal with someone like you?

This is why I bond better with guys. I have accepted the fact that romance and chivalry are both dead. Men usually have one thing on their minds, once they hit puberty. The penis and its satisfaction. Women think only of their hearts and the condition it should remain in. Because a man can go without sex and go beat off and still be mildly okay. A woman can do nothing with a broken heart except sew it back together and hope it still works the same.

I wonder if I even have a heart after the pain, torture, and turmoil it's gone through. If a heart could run away, I'm sure mine would have a long time ago. Spontaneous heart escape. I can see the headlines now.

All I'm asking is for guys to be like they once were. The best foreplay was romance. And the best sex can still be modern.
10:45 AM 
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November 21, 2009 - Saturday 
Chyeah right. I wish it was as easy as saying that. There will never be a single solution for all my problems. Boys, work, money, life. It's all too much for one thing to handle.

I went through a very light bout of depression earlier this evening. My mind was a blank and all I saw was the passing orange-yellow streaks of the street lights. People were cracking jokes and I would smile, but it was fake. I know why I'm like this. I keep letting him creep back into my mind. I promised him that I wouldn't dig myself into a hole. I wouldn't let it bother me that I was too late. I guess I'm kinda failing. But I will maintain a friendship for as long as he is willing. Only for him.
2:44 AM 
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August 27, 2009 - Thursday 

Current mood:  awake
I almost died today. I was almost the hood ornament of a big yellow semi-truck. This is that story.

I remember getting into the passing lane to pass the two semis. I checked my rearview and side mirrors out of habit and saw a beige Saturn flying up behind me. He must have been going 100 miles per hour...at least.

"Don't you dare rear end me, asshole," I thought to myself.

Thankfully, he passed me on the right side, then cut me off. I remember seeing a plastic bag fluttering out of one of the side windows. No. It was the side window. I remember dark brown or black hair and dark tan skin. My mind obviously veers straight toward someone Hispanic..or Latino...or Mexican...whatever fucking politically correct term is best. Anyway, it came to mind.

"Asshole," I thought to myself.

Not because of their race. But because of his unsafe driving. Plus, I have road rage brought on second-hand.

Then, one of the semis pulled out in front of him, blocking his path. Unfortunately, this affected me as well as the Saturn driver. I was reduced to the horrible crawling speed of 70 miles per hour. I remember the Saturn in front of me. I remember how he was tapping the brakes on the interstate. Isn't the speed limit 75 miles per hour? I check. It is. So why brake?

Finally, the semi driver passed the other semi and pulled back into the right lane. I expect the Saturn driver to blast off and regain his previous speed. What was it? 110? But he doesn't. He holds at 75 or just a little over. I'm ok with this. He can keep pulling ahead and I can pass the yellow semi I've been stuck next to for the past couple of miles.

Suddenly, he holds his brakes as we are passing in the left lane. I'd long since been waiting for something like this. His speed tipped me off in the beginning and I had been trying to be cautious. But I wasn't prepared for this.

As he holds his brakes and we pass over a bridge, he turns on his left turn signal.

"Aw, how thoughtful," I think sarcastically.

The only problem here is that he is in my way and the yellow semi-truck is blocking my only escape. And now, I'm coming right up on his ass.What can I do? It's too late to slam on the brakes and the ABS isn't working anyway. Then, as if a voice from above shouted it straight into my ear:

"CRASH AVOIDANCE!"

I carefully pulled the wheel to the right to drive around the man as he was making his stop to make an illegal U-turn through the ditch in the median. My awesomeness was shattered when I heard my mother screaming bloody murder.

What was she saying? Am I? Am I?

"SEMI!"

I suddenly remember the bright yellow titan coasting only a foot away from the side of my parents' Malibu. I can't risk bumping into him. The crash could result in bumps in bruises or death. I didn't want either and my mother woud be the likely candidate for both. But I couldn't panick.

"SEMI!" she shouts again. "SEMI! SEMI! SEMI!"

I can see her crawling over to my side of the car in an attempt to put more distance between her and the bright yellow truck.

I slowly and gently pull the wheel back to the left but not so much as to rear end the Saturn. Why was he taking so long with that turn, anyway? We were still going 65 miles per hour.

I drove over the white lines until I was past the danger. The semi blew past us and I noticed he had to pull over onto the shoulder to allow us room. Thank God for him.

I feel my mother throw her arm into the backseat as she flips off the man who cannot see her. The man who almost caused our deaths.

Once we got home, my mother told me that I had only inches of room between the semi and myself and the Saturn.

The only cool thing about this story? I know it wasn't my time to die. You're the most alive the second before you die. Your life flashes before your eyes like your body is anticipating it. Then, if you're lucky, you pass on.

4:43 AM 
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August 15, 2009 - Saturday 

Current mood:  apathetic
I'm 20 now...and I feel like some part of me is tired of being tied down and slow moving. I'm that much closer to being 21 and without limits that I should hurry up and get into the groove of living without consequences. I need to have fun and not worry about who I'll disappoint the next day. I need to stop sugar coating everything and just tell people how it is. This world wasn't built on a sugar coating. It was built on blood, fire, and chance.

There is no fate. There is no destiny. There is no plan set for us. Everything is decided upon the choices we make and then the changes the choices in the future. We have absolutely no control over our lives and yet we get a taste of it when we make a decision that effects our future.

I need to become Shayna, the 20-year-old party animal that doesn't give a shit.
I need to leave behind Shayna, the 17-year-old goodie good that cares about people and what they think.

If that means I have to spend my life alone for a while, so be it. I spent the earliest years of my life alone. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself in the worst situations.

Wish me luck.
4:57 PM 
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July 10, 2009 - Friday 

Current mood:  annoyed
So, as you might have guessed, I'm going to talk about how some certain aspect of my life generally sucks. Let us commence with the whining about financial issues.

I am currently jobless and I hate it. I'm mooching off my roommate, Adam, and I hate it. I even hate when I ask him for a cigarette!!! I usually have my own pack, but once I'm out, I'm guilting him into giving me one. I usually apologize for asking him for stuff all the time and he tells me he doesn't mind. I know he does. Everyone should get pissed off about that. I would after a while.

I like the fact that I'm not paying rent right now, but it's overwhelmed by the fact that I'm depending on someone else for a place to stay and food to eat. I WILL NOT move back in with my parents. I absolutely refuse. They have this nasty habit of not realizing when they're being a touch too blatant. I mean, granted, sometimes I do need a good slap of reality, but with debt collectors calling me and me losing my phone due to non-payment, I'm pretty much getting sucker punched.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place as far as where to go. I can't get a job even though I'm actively trying. I might have to resort to moving to Michigan with my best friend. Or worse, asking for money from family. I'm just hoping that once the summer's over, I'll have better luck with getting a job. DAMN ALL THE COLLEGE AND HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS!!!

I know I need to go to college. I kinda need to fix my fucking credit first. BESIDES, what the fuck am I going to college for? It's like high school all grown up! I'd have to deal with drama, getting grounded in the form of academic probation, and then I deal with the same crying mother that sobbed all over my robes at my high school graduation.

I want to get a tattoo that says, "JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE" followed by a quick cursive note beneath it saying, "Stop trying to live it for me."

Hmm, that's a good closing line.

To all of you that think you know what to do with my life, remember that you're thinking like this: What would I do if I were in her shoes? The key word is "I." It's the way YOU would act in MY position. News flash: I'm not you, so back off.

Just let me live my life and stop trying to live it for me.
6:03 AM 
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June 20, 2009 - Saturday 

Current mood:  pissed off
I've come to the conclusion that I am in an abusive relationship. Not like physically, but mentally and emotionally. I don't like the fact that I'm needy and expect to be pampered, but I've been getting that kind of attention all my life. I feel unloved without it. I hate to admit it, but not being pampered is like being ignored.

I'm a LEO...so I like being the center of attention. Deny a Leo that and you lose the Leo permanently.

I've come to the conclusion that NO ONE can handle me in a relationship. My family and friends are the only ones who understand me. They know how to work around my attention craves, but they still give me attention.

I...absolutely...hate...being asked to do something I DON'T WANT or NEED TO DO....OVER and OVER and OVER again. When I say "No!" I'm not being sarcastic or kidding around. I'm dead fucking serious and I will only NEVER want to do what you're asking the more you fucking ask me!

I was spoiled in my other good...or great...relationships. I don't care that I was. I just want to find that again!

I miss being able to cuddle...or someone telling me they slept on the side of the bed closest to the door because they felt it was safer for me...I miss unconditional love! I understand that all relationships should be a two-input. But I won't want to put anything into it...if you don't. That's why I'm not doing anything "girlfriend-like" in my current relationship. I don't feel it deserves it.

Fighting is healthy...when you fucking talk. Not when you roll over, curl into your fucking blanket, and put your back to me with your lips sealed shut. Or, perhaps, when you get out of bed and sleep on the floor because I don't want to give you a fucking massage!!!

I won't pamper you because you don't pamper me. And, trust me, the way I return the favor is worth it. I don't mean sexually. I'll do things you've been wanting me to do without you having to ask. Because I'll feel like I owe you something! I feel like I don't owe you shit right now!

I mean it, I am like |---| that far away from just ending it. I'm not thinking that way because I'm not GETTING my way. I just don't want to feel pissed off all the time. It doesn't feel like a healthy relationship. You told me to fight for you once you started to drift away. You're not giving me a reason to!
6:34 AM 
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May 23, 2009 - Saturday 

Current mood:  adventurous
Category: Life
I'm sure most of you know I'm no longer dating Nathan. It was a good run but he finally grew into his party age. That's ok. Now I can find someone who wants me more. Its sad that people couldn't convince me to move on but my tarot could. I created my own spread to answer the one question on my mind. Would we ever get back together. The answer was no. I expected it but hoped for at least a maybe. But it was no. The tarot is like talking to the god and goddess directly and I value their advice and answers more than anyone else's. So, goodbye Nathan, former love of my life. Enjoy your adventures and we'll always be friends. I will move on past our memories. But I will cherish when we would ride in Casper. When his was the first oil change I'd ever done. When you took me to the parks. Watching a squirrel get fucked up by our pennies when we were naked and hanging halfway out the window. And when we just layed together. The shirt I bought you and the one for Chrizzle. Love you both. But now I'll go out more and meet new people. Thank you Dillon for that advice too. I'll have fun more instead of sulking in the darkness.
6:01 AM 
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April 28, 2009 - Tuesday 

Current mood:  drained
Category: Life
So eleven months were good enough for him. I hope he figures out who he is and what he wants in life. I'm still confused but I understand at the same time. Someone I gave everything to just decided to kick me to the curb so he can be himself. I have to ask...was I preventing him from being himself for all those months? If so why did you fucking keep me around for so long?! I can't stand this trusting in people and then getting dragged through the dirt and stomped on followed quickly by getting my sternum split open and having my heart ripped out with a bare hand. But that's not what you want in life, right? Hurting me is the last thing you would do. Or so I thought. I'm so close to just throwing in the towel on everything I've ever known. Everything. Is it really worth it to chase after something that may or may not be meant for me? Since I so badly want a forever does that mean I can't have it? Don't worry... I'll be here for now. But if it happens again...definitely no promises.
5:18 AM 
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December 24, 2008 - Wednesday 

Current mood:  depressed

Title definitely reeled you in, huh? Well, it wasn't just for that. I wanted you to know what's wrong with me. I don't care if you're a friend, a random, or just someone I once-upon-a-time knew.

Last night, my heart was broken. I feel such a hole within that I can actually tell that it has its own gravitational field. There's a pull from within like my body wants to implode upon itself. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

He has his doubts and he's entitled. I haven't noticed any change in him.

He's getting bored...and I knew it was coming. I shouldn't have moved in. I can move out...do that whole, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" shit. But we all know how that ends.

I just...-=sighs=- I know I'm fucking 19 years old. I know I have my whole god damn life ahead of me. But fuck you, all right? I don't give a shit about that whole, "Live your life!" mantra. I want to live my life...with the person I love the most. As selfish as that is, it's what I want. I'm not writing this because I'm waiting for the axe to fall. Like he's gonna walk around the corner and say, "Hey...uh...yeah, it's not working so...let's pack up your bags and getcha outta here."

All I want is to scream FUCK YOU to evolution. If I was meant to hurt this much, I'd have killed myself or let him kill me FOREVER ago. But I'm better than that. I knew...somehow...that I would find someone that made me beyond happy. So happy that I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. That I wouldn't imagine myself with anyone else.

I have never gone through so many suicide scenarios in my mind as I have in the past almost ten hours. ODing, suffocation, inducing an asthma attack and locking myself away so no one can help me, cutting my wrists (but oh so cliche), drowning, electrocution, etc etc. Usually, for me, it's hanging myself, cutting myself, or holding a pillow over my face until the lights go out. But now I have access to Tylenol, Asprin, and countless other medicines all with warnings on overdose. I could always hit my head and fall beneath the water of a nice warm bath. I want a painless suicide. Does that exist? Haha! No.

Those of you who know me should know well enough that I'm not actually capable of going through with any of that. I get close enough to the edge but immediately pull myself back. And it's because of all of you. I love you guys too fucking much to leave you. I'd miss you. Plus, I'm not selfish enough to make you all feel like it was your fault. Really, the only person a suicide has to blame is themselves. They let everything get to them and lead them to that sorry spot in their life.

And that's where I am. The needy, demanding, hypocrite of a girlfriend (yes, I've been demoted) who can't make enough happiness for two people. Should the girlfriend just end the other's suffering and leave them to what they want? Whether it be someone else or more time to themselves... Or should she stick it out, hope for the best, and not rush anything? Giving up is such a heartbreak but I know he's thinking about it... A horrible little voice in the back of his mind saying, "It might not be such a bad idea." It might not even be a breakup. Just a "break". Which might as well be the nice way of saying, "Yeah, so, I care about you enough to not just kick you to the curb, but you're not doing it for me."

Is it too much to ask for a kiss? I know I ask for them a lot, but, well... It's me. I like kisses. Pecks, smooches, etc. What about saying "I love you" too much? Does that even FUCKING EXIST?! I guess it does. I've always been good at overwhelming people. I don't think I'll ever find someone who will be able to handle all of me. The good and the bad. The pretty and the ugly. I thought I finally had. Guess I was wrong.

What a blog for two days before Christmas. I hope your's is better than mine.

Stay alive, strive, and don't you dare give up like me

6:24 AM 
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