GEOFFREY RUSH:

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY:

GEOFFREY RUSH:

CHOW YUN-FAT:

JOHNNY DEPP:

JOHNNY DEPP:

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY:

JOHNNY DEPP:

PIRATES:

KEITH RICHARDS:

JOHNNY DEPP:

KEITH RICHARDS:

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY:

JOHNNY DEPP:

Script? Ha!

KEVIN MCNALLY:

JOHNNY DEPP:

Well, I never mentioned this before but we had a relatively impromptu gig (as far as gig planning goes) last Thursday in the foyer at the MacBob.

We rehearsed in half a week and played a 9-song set (which became a 13-song set after we apparently finished too early). I got the chance to sing a bit more, but I feel personally, that in terms of my performance, it all went downhill after Island In The Sun which was the third song, and my solo.

And speaking of solos, what happened to the guitar in Island? That's how it went wrong; I stopped singing to let Dom come in with his bit, but he didn't...!Nobody knew what was going on so Lewis brought the drumming to a finale and the whole thing ground horribly to a halt, leaving me looking like a twat at the front of the stage and probably getting the blame for it. After that I just didn't feel comfortable on the stage anymore.

But I still did my best to enjoy it and I hope that whoever was there enjoyed it too. and a big shout out to all my bandmates who actually did a flawless job throughout the set!

 Here is the abridged script for the film '300':

FADE IN:

EXT. SPARTA

PERSIAN MESSENGER PETER MENSAH approaches SPARTA to see the king, GERARD BUTLER.

PETER MENSAH:

I am a messenger for Rodrigo Santoro.

He wants you to say it's cool to rule you if he wants.

GERARD BUTLER:

The people of Sparta submit to no ruler.

PETER MENSAH:

But they all submit to you. You're their king.

And you submit to a bunch of inbred priests that talk to gods.

GERARD BUTLER:

I shall kill you where you stand for pointing out how silly the premise is!

PETER MENSAH:

You're going to kill a messenger? For insulting your pride?

That won't get the audience on your side.

GERARD BUTLER:

Um, it's for FREEDOM.

PETER MENSAH:

Oh, then that changes everything.

Clearly you're the good guys now.

GERARD kills the PERSIANS, sentencing his people to fight a battle they cannot win.

This is HEROIC, rather than JUVENILE.

EXT. HOT GATES

GERARD BUTLER, DAVID WENHAM, VINCENT REGAN, and 297 EXTRAS THAT ARE PISSED OFF THAT THEY SPENT SO MUCH TIME IN THE GYM ONLY TO GET A NON-SPEAKING PART all watch as the invading army of CGI invaders renders itself closer.

A MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN approaches.

MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN:

Gerard, let me fight by your side. I know a secret passage the Persians could use.

GERARD BUTLER:

No. You're ugly. Fuck off.

MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN:

You're sure you're the good guys?

GERARD BUTLER:

Of course. Freedom!

DAVID WENHAM:

Freedom, fuck yeah!

VINCENT REGAN:

Freedom is good! And since we use the word freedom, it means we embrace it! Freedom!

A METRIC FUCKTON of Persians attack, but they are killed. The scenes go in and out of slow-motion stylistically. Pixellated blood decorates the landscape.

VINCENT REGAN:

If videogame makers are trying so hard to make games "look like movies", why are we trying to make this movie look like a videogame?

GERARD BUTLER:

We're going for the "brainless thick-headed macho asshole" demographic.

DAVID WENHAM:

With these costumes? I thought we were going for the "closeted homosexual" demographic.

RODRIGO SANTORO decides to talk to GERARD.

RODRIGO SANTORO:

You will pay for this! I will burn all Greek writings! Nobody will know you existed!

GERARD BUTLER:

I'm Greek? Why the fuck have I been doing a Scottish accent for the entire movie?

RODRIGO SANTORO:

Why are most of the Persians Caucasian?

MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN tells RODRIGO about the secret passage.

Persians surround the Spartans.

There is some more fighting as the audience is doused with TESTOSTERONE.

VINCENT REGAN (dying):

Man, this whole plan was really stupid.

GERARD BUTLER (dying):

Freedom!

VINCENT REGAN:

Did I say stupid? I meant brave and inspirational! Freedom!

END

Well that's it, my thirteen years of necessary education are up. It's the last day in the Common Room, emotions are runing high, ties are being defaced (including my Colours tie but I'm not too bothered), and classes are skipped.

But I've got a problem. When I leave school my access to a working computer, thus MySpace, Bebo and all that shite is much more restricted (my PC at home just got lobbed in the skip.)

So for a brief amount of time, I'm gonna sign off. Brief, mind.

Stay up peace out

LD

OK, so The Doctor has his psychic paper that lets him get into anywhere he needs.

I've got psychic I.D. My provisional driver's license (which clearly states I'm 17) has been used and tested and anyone who doesn't know me has believed me to be 18 upon inspection of the card.

Examples...

April 21st- Hatch's bday. We all go to the Med. Bouncer I.D's me, I chance it with the card and he lets me in. Sucka!

April 29th- Buying Sin City and A Clockwork Orange (both cert. 18) at HMV. Girl at till (called Samara) I.D's me. I use card. Liam walks out with DVDs.

The same day I take the card to Matt G's work to show him. he takes it to his co-worker who then says I'm 18. Cool.

So there you have it. I've probably jinxed it by telling you. But it was fun while it lasted...

Just realised how much UTTER SHITE Bebo is.

If you've got one, add me. there's nothing on my page.

Look for S-O-L-U-S

PETER FONDA finds a YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE and acts EVIL, which is the best way to act to gain someone's trust.

PETER FONDA:

Hello, Nicolas. Sign this ominous contract to give me your soul. Mwa-ha-ha-ha.

YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE:

What? No. Oops, spilled some blood on it. Surely that's not legally binding.

PETER FONDA:

Pfft, sure it is. Who do you think all of the best lawyers work for?

NICOLAS CAGE grows up and becomes a motorcycle stuntman but sucks at it.

EVA MENDES:

Nicolas, I'm your childhood love interest. I'd like to interview you.

NICOLAS CAGE:

Sounds great!

EVA MENDES:

Question one: How did you manage to age 10 years more than me since we were teenagers?

PETER FONDA:

Hey Nicolas. Remember when you sold me your soul? You can have it back if you become my Ghost Rider. Go kill WES BENTLEY, he's my son or something. He wants some contract the last Ghost Rider stole.

NICOLAS CAGE:

No. (Pause) Okay, fine.

NICOLAS' HEAD turns into a FUCKING FLAMING SKULL and film as an artform officially DIES.

FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE:

Skull angry! Ride bike!

FLAMING NICOLAS confronts WES BENTLEY, who has apparently forgotten how to act. NICOLAS loses the battle and heads home. Taking a page from "Writing a Comic Book Movie for Complete Fucking Idiots", he then saves a woman being mugged.

FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE (to mugger):

MUGGER:

Youuu. Sillyyyy.

MUGGING VICTIM:

Rather than shitting my pants at the sight of a walking skeleton covered in fire, I'll thank you for saving me and be on my way.

FLAMING NICOLAS kills the mugger, presumably sending him to hell thus increasing the army of souls commanded by his enemy, PETER FONDA. He then stumbles upon SAM ELLIOTT.

SAM ELLIOTT:

Since every movie like this needs a character that understands the associated mythology in order to explain it to the audience, let me fill you in. Basically you work for the devil at night and you're a normal person during the day.

NICOLAS CAGE:

Because darkness is the symbol for evil while light is the symbol for purity?

SAM ELLIOTT:

What? No, because the special effects would look even more ridiculous in daylight.

NICOLAS CAGE:

Oh. What are my superhero powers?

SAM ELLIOTT:

Well, you have a flaming skull for a head. You can ride a bike.

NICOLAS CAGE:

Seriously? Why the hell did this character get a movie?

SAM ELLIOTT:

I dunno, show him a plastic bag blowing in the wind and hit him with a brick when he's distracted.

NICOLAS decides the audience has endured more than enough of the movie and goes to fight WES BENTLEY. He WINS! PETER FONDA returns.

PETER FONDA:

Nice work, Nicolas. I'll just remove the curse from you and you can be on your way.

NICOLAS CAGE:

No. I'm going to keep this curse in order to fight you.

PETER FONDA:

You mean the curse I had the power to give you and said I can remove at any time?

NICOLAS CAGE:

That's right. Wherever you go, I'll be there.

PETER FONDA:

The only place you're going to be is the '3 for £5.99' DVD bin at ASDA.

END.

The last (but by no means least) 40 things that are good about the decade I dodged...

41.Horror Directors whose names begin with 'C' (There were 4. Name them.)

42.Massive Mobile Phones (epitomised the Era Of Big)

43.Scarface (Say hello to my little friend... No, not that one, the gun)

44.Very 80s Stars (Cusack was way to cool to be categorised)

45.The King Of Comedy (Scorsese and De Niro again...)

46.PG-13 and 12 Certificates (Brought on by Indy 2 and Batman)

47.A Fish Called Wanda (Probably inspired Fairly Odd Parents. Probably.)

48.Transformers (What links Orson Welles, Boogie Nights and Michael Bay?)

49.Synthesisers (Beverly Hills Cop theme born. Adapted, Crazy Frog born.)

50.Body-Swap Films (neither versions of Freaky Friday were 80s. Or good.)

51.Once Upon A Time In America (between Godfather II & Goodfellas)

52.Home Computers (Enabling 48 hours of Football Manager. Skill!)

53.Trading Places (Dan Aykroyd gets poor, Eddie Murphy gets rich. So...)

54.The Goonies (All together now: "HEEEYYY YOOUUU GUUUYYYS!")

55.Miami Vice (Drug busts and driving around to Phil Collins...)

56.The Young Ones (Pretty disgusting surreal, snot-filled student sick-com)

57.Gremlins (Spoilsports made it a 15 after that chainsaw sequence)

58.Like A Prayer video (Black Jesus & burning crosses lost Madge her Pepsi)

59.The Shining (Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!)

60.Yuppies (All Del needs is a filofax and a pair of red braces and he's C.O.B!)

61.The Sinclair C5 (Clive's 3-wheeled folly gave everyone a good laugh)

62.Back To The Future (Leading lady falls for her own son. Timeless.)

63.Kevin Costner (Which actor played the corpse in The Big Chill?)

64.Sundance & Soderbergh (Beginning of an Indie Revolution- Indie, not Indy.)

65.Girls On Film (Duran Duran merited a censoring from BBC. Snap!)

66.Max Headroom (Prosthetics plus Matt Frewer equals a media twat)

67.Raiders Of The Lost Ark (End of the Indy Revolution- Indy, not Indie.)

68.An American Werewolf In London (That scene still looks disturbing today)

69.The Second Wave Of 'Nam Movies (Rambo: "Do we get to win this time?")

70.Spoof Movies (Airplane! kicks seven shades of shit out of Epic Movie)

71.Blade Runner (Daryl Hannah in a fright wig. And fancy-schmancy patter)

72.Money For Nothing video (Dire Straits plus groundbreaking CGI)

73.Illustrious Debutants (not sure what that means, but it involves Tom Cruise)

74.Celebs doing charity records (Tonight, thank God it's them instead of you...)

75.Woody Allen's Mia Farrow Phase (these days it's Scarlett Johannssen)

76.Sledgehammer video (It's got fruit in it)

77.When Harry Met Sally (I'll have what he's having...)

78.Neo-Noir (playful moodiness, if that makes sense.)

79. Do The Right Thing (written in 2 weeks- the right thing to do?)

80.Ferris Bueller's Day Off (Best til Last- Feelgood movie to the max!)

Well, that's it. I'm beginning to think my blogs suck donkey dick.

Hope you enjoyed and agreed with the 80 Great Things About The 80s!

You know you love that bloody decade. Even though it has been called "crap" and "the Decade Style Forgot" there are some seriously good little nuggets in that era. 80, in fact.

1. John Cusack (Let's hear it for the boy!)

2. Breakdancing (and Bodypopping)

3. Video Nasties (banned stuff, like The Evil Dead and that)

4. The fall of the Berlin Wall (school was suspended so all could get drunk!)

5. CDs (Ooooh... laser...)

6. The Empire Strikes Back (Who's the daddy?)

7. First name- Mr. Middle name- Period. Last name- T.

8. Amusement Arcades (fetishised in Tron)

9. Swords & Sorcery (Conan the Barbarian? Hobbit, Schmobbit...)

10.Trivial Pursuit (Reward your knowledge with little coloured cheeses)

11.Moonlighting (Apparently good detective show with Bruce Willis)

12.Buckaroo (Pin the tail/bucket/shovel/dynamite/etc on the donkey. Fun.)

13.The corporate ass-ramming of Betamax by VHS. Repeated with Blu-Ray (?)

14.Rubik's Cube (Currently lining lofts and attics the world over.)

15. E.T. (making kids cry in cinemas without using Pennywise.)

16. Sly, Arnie & Bruce (Oh my!) founding fathers of Planet Hollywood

17.Lethal Weapon (A time when Mel Gibson acted)

18.Aliens (Girls just wanna have guns...)

19.Operation (the PG way for kids to play 'Doctors & Nurses')

21.Aussie Soaps (75% against Albert Sq.'s 5%- of cast who are shaggable)

22.Calculator Watches (The SQA would roast our nads if we had them today)

23.High School Movies (as in American- ours are depressing)

24.The birth of Hip-Hop (Shizzle ma Nizzle. If you can find ma Nizzle.)

25.Spitting Image (The Chicken Song is still ace)

26.The Sony Walkman (Conception of anti-socialism. Not political, just rude.)

27.Dry Ice (You never see it any more. I dare you to find dry ice today!)

28.Ghostbusters (Who you gonna call? Bill Murray!)

29.My Neighbour Toroto (anime that I haven't seen)

30.This is Spinal Tap (almost as good as The Pick Of Destiny)

31.MTV- A Generation ("What's it like to feel neither highs nor lows?" "Meh...")

32.Top Gun (Take my breath away...)

33.Michael Jackson- Thriller video (Classic 8-minute dancing zombie flick)

34.Robocop (Well cooler than that gay robot thing off Buck Rogers...)

35.Music Movies (Legwarmers, giant plants, and buckets of water...)

36.Cold War movies (the big-weapon willy-waving that put everyone in a sulk)

37.The Man With Two Brains (Steve Martin was funny before Pink Panther)

38.Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (making a glorious comeback)

39.Walk This Way (Rock and Rap collide through smashed-up walls)

40.Raging Bull (Scorsese and De Niro continue world domination)

Next 40 coming soon!

I love you, so here is the (unofficial) script for Casino Royale.

You can tell I didn't make this up, it's way too clever…

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FADE IN:

DANIEL CRAIG teams up with THE MOST INEPT SECRET AGENT EVER to follow SEBASTIEN FOUCAN. SEBASTIEN runs, requiring DANIEL to plough through a construction site, destroying everything in his path.

SEBASTIEN FOUCAN (running):

You'll never catch me, Daniel Craig! Woohoo!

DANIEL CRAIG:

I'm supposed to be chasing you? I thought my mission was to prevent this building from being finished.

He shoots SEBASTIEN, then tracks down his boss, SIMON ABKARIAN, confronting him at a BODYWORLDS EXHIBITION.

DANIEL CRAIG:

A BodyWorlds show? Are we trying to make this the silliest setpiece in a Bond movie ever?

SIMON ABKARIAN:

How did you find me? I was slightly careful!

DANIEL CRAIG:

Er, you sent a text message, on your excellent SONY ERICSSON phone, in front of the only security camera in your club.

SIMON AKBARIAN:

Dammit! I knew I shouldn't have typed the text message, on my excellent SONY ERICSSON phone, while I was driving, solely so that I could send it the exact moment I stepped out of my car!

They STRUGGLE and eventually DANIEL stabs SIMON. Then he follows SIMON'S CONTACT to the airport and calls DAME JUDI DENCH. On an excellent SONY ERICSSON phone.

DANIEL CRAIG:

Some guy is at the airport. I think he's going to blow something up. We both managed to go through security in a matter of seconds without having to take our shoes off, despite being in post-9/11 America, as was needlessly pointed out earlier.

DAME JUDI DENCH:

 Makes sense. He plans on blowing up some new plane.

DANIEL CRAIG:

I have to rescue a plane? Couldn't there have been a beautiful woman in it?

I can't have sex with a plane!

 DAME JUDI DENCH:

I bet you'd give it a bloody good go, though.

EVA GREEN:

Hello, I'm the hot girl for the movie. I'm here to tell you that you need to enter into a poker game with the villain, Mads Mikkelsen.

He DOES.

MADS MIKKELSEN:

You're no match for my mathematical genius, Daniel. Oh, and please ignore my bleeding eye, which, though mildly sinister, is completely superfluous to the plot.

AUDIENCE:

This is the worst Celebrity Poker Showdown ever. Daniel Craig and Mads Mikkelesen? Where the hell is Ben Affleck?

All four players reveal a succession of STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE HANDS, subverting the film's attempt to paint poker as a game of skill rather than luck.

DANIEL CRAIG:

Well, the movie is called Casino Royale and I've just won the big poker game.

Guess that's it, then…

Despite this, the film CONTINUES.

EVA GREEN:

I love you inexplicably. We don't actually need to have any chemistry to get away with this big character change, right?

DANIEL CRAIG:

Let's make up for lack of chemistry by tacking on 30 minutes of garbage.

Their relationship ends VERY BADLY.

DANIEL CRAIG:

Ha! This justifies my reprehensible womanising later in the series!

DAME JUDI DENCH:

Now we just need to justify an invisible car driving through an ice castle.

END.

I didn't expect you to read all that.

Thanks anyway!