Hey Torrid Readers!
So glad to finally be back on the radar!
Hope you all are feeling completely romantic and ready for a wonderful Valentine's Day. If you aren't, then maybe reading my story, CURSES AND KISSES will help you realize that your love life isn't so horrible.
Even if all is going well and Mr. Right is on the sofa next to you eating chips and watching some sort of sport, maybe you'll get a chuckle out of the MY FUNNY VALENTINE ANTHOLOGY!
Here's a little blurb about my story:
According to Madame Xavier, Maryanne Mills Valentine's days are cursed until she finds true love. Join Maryanne in her humorous almost romantic escapades and wrong turns on the path to happily ever after.
Does that interest you? I hope it does. I have an excerpt up if you'd like a taste. Here's my website: http://harrischanning.bravehost.com/
I'm also hosting a contest this month so go on over and check it out: http://www.harrischanningcontests.bravehost.com/
In addition to this contest, my anthology pals and I are going to judge a "MY WORST DATE EVER" contest.
To get the ball rolling, Kissa, Sherry and I have decided to share one of our crappy dates with you…
Here's mine:
"Are you sure you know how to find the place? It's a bit off the beaten track."
"Hey, I've lived here all my life," he said. "I know how to get there. I'll pick you up at five. We'll eat some pizza and head to the dance."
Dumbass was wrong. Living on one side of the county all your life does NOT make you an expert on the entire county.
Now, on my couch, in my off-white prom gown, with my hair overly sprayed and my eyelashes looking like tangled spider's legs, I sat…waiting. It was after six p.m. My junior prom date was officially late. When you have to be in by midnight, it really sucks to miss out on even one dance, or one laugh. Brad (not his real name) finally showed up almost an hour late.
"Sorry," he said, rushing through hellos with my parents. "I got lost."
"Midnight," Dad reminded, crossing his arms over his barrel chest. Brad nods and whisks me out to his dusty blue sedan.
"Crap," he says as he climbs in the car leaving me to get in all by myself. NOW don't get me wrong, I don't mind getting the door for myself 99% of the time. When I try my damnedest to look good and your BUTT is an hour late, you should get the door. Dammit, I wanted to be Cinderella…
"Crap what?" I ask, narrowly missing slamming the skirt of my gown in the rusty door.
"I forgot your flowers."
"Oh." I wondered where they were. Now I knew. It was painfully obvious that I was not the most important thing on his mind that night. "That's all right."
"Well, Mama wanted you to come by and meet her anyway. Do you mind if we run home and get the flowers?"
I smelled a rat…I wondered if Mama said, "Brad, bring her here. If she wants them flowers, she'll come."
So, forty-five minutes later, (remember I said he lived on one side of the county? I should have said the far side) we pull up the driveway. Mama comes out, camera in one hand, flowers in the other. Yep, it had been planned! Pictures taken, huge pink corsage strapped to my wrist and off we go…
Now, this is priceless. I don't know what you all think of dipping snuff…but I think it's disgusting. My date however had the addiction and used his empty soda bottle to collect his spit. Well, he missed the tiny little opening but thankfully his tuxedo leg caught the drippings….did I mention he wore a pale gray tux? A lovely stain on the upper…and I mean upper pant leg is visible in the photos…dumb ass. Looked like his little soldier had sprung an amber leak.
So, we eat pizza and with less than three hours of my time left, we arrive at the park where our dance is taking place. The line for photographs is out the door. But darn it, I wanted to remember this night…why? I don't rightly know! But as I'm standing there what happens? I know you all know…and I'd love to know if it's happened to you…my dress is on another girl's body! Yep, twins! UGH!!!!
Pictures taken we dance…and I honestly don't remember much about that part. Wonder if he was a good dancer? He mustn't have been too bad or I would have remembered…but he mustn't have been too good or I would have remembered…
What pops to mind next is the kiss goodnight. Poor Brad. He must have been part boy, part puppy dog. All tongue, swirling around like a fish trying to get back into the lake. And yeah, I know it was late…I was seventeen and this is my first real kiss. It's a wonder it wasn't my last.
So, my sucky date story is nothing like what happens to Maryanne in CURSES AND KISSES but it's true…and it was my last date with Brad. Wonder what he's doing now? Wonder if I'm his suckiest date ever? I bet if he were to read this, I would go to the top of the list!
Torrid Readers- Dare to Experience the Imagination of Kissa Starling
(That's my new tagline how do you like it?)
Oh, Harris, I'm sorry for you and your date! My portion of "My Funny Valentine" is a story called Love Angel. Maurice is the Gilligan of love angels and more clumsy than any of the other angels. Come along on his adventure to couple two humans living on either sides of the country- it will make you laugh, make you ahh, it might even make you sigh.
My worst date ever involved a boy I asked out from high school who was an inexperienced kisser to say the least. He kept poking it on and out of my mouth. I tried to wrangle the slippery sucker but it was no use. I tried teaching him how to kiss, also no use. I raise my glass to all out there who have had a 'not so great' date. Let us drink!
Kissa Starling
www.kissastarling.com (coming soon)
Drop by my yahoo group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/kissaskarmakorner/join
And keep up-to-date on my contests, releases, and life happenings.
And last but not least….
Nancy Dugan is an older woman. In the past she's had some really good lovers, but since her husband passed away ten years ago, the pool of eligible bachelors had dried up completely. She's tired of dating old geezers who slobber on her shoulder when they dance and can't get it up in bed. When she's conned into a blind date, she can't imagine what this new man in town can be like. She's certain he can't hold a candle to her current lover, Mr. Dildo.
Jon Valentine can't believe that he was foolish enough to accept a blind date with a woman who has been a widow for the past ten years. If she's been on the shelf that long she must be a dried up old prune in more ways than one. With a name like Valentine, he has certainly lived up to the myth around the day. In his youth, he was a great lover, but not as good as he became with his wife. Valentine's day always meant a night of erotic pleasures. Now, with her gone, it is just another night of the year. He can't imagine the old gal he's been set up with will be up for the activities he has in mind.
As for Shari Dare, my dating was really limited. I guess you could call it one of those fairy tale stories. When I was 13 years old, I belonged to a teenage square dance group. The caller was putting together an exhibition square and paired me with a gangly teenager. At the time he said, you don't have to marry her, just dance with her. Five years later he reminded us of that at our wedding. Now almost 50 years since that first set up for the two of us, we're still going strong.
MAKE READING FUN AGAIN
www.derr-wille.com
Well, there you have it, Torrid readers - the anthology authors have spoken, bad dates and all. Here is the chance to win one free download of My Funny Valentine…….post a comment here about your funniest, worst, or most unusual date. We will choose one winner next Friday night. That's February 8th at 6:00pm.
(We can't wait to read your funnies!)